Fellowship of the Posters
Book Two

*The house of Kuzibah*

Heather wakes up, slowly, feeling like she's slept for weeks, and is vaguely startled to find herself lying in a bed, rather than passed out on the side of the path.

Green Armadillo: So, Heather Spazzins has decided to rejoin the land of the living!
Heather: YOU!  Where the heck have you been?!
GA: Glad to see you too.
Heather: No, seriously, where have you been, where am I, am I going to become like Shatner, what of the Ring....
GA: I get the idea.  You've got questions.  As to where I've been, I went to consult some of the other boarders, only I made the mistake of entering.....

*BRAVENET chat room, shortly after GA was last seen in the previous part*
GA: *walking in* Okay, everyone, we've got a situation.... *looks around, but doesn't see anyone*
Bravenet: Oh really?  This wouldn't have anything to do with your trips to Heather Spazzins' place, would it?
GA: Bravenet, don't mess with me right now.  I need to speak to the others.
BN: Could you really have been concealing the ONE RING from me this whole time?
GA: You know as well as I do that the Ring is forever tainted by the 1969 Gremlin's influence.  It can never be used.
BN: He WILL find it, you know.  And when he does, he will remember who stood with him, and who stood against him.
GA: That may be, but the Ring can only be worn on one finger, and somehow, he doesn't seem the type to share.
BN: Join with me, GA!  When the power of he who is known as Slapping Trout and the Coolest Chat on the Internet are teamed up, nothing can stop us!
GA: Let me think for a moment.  Oh wait.  NO.  Now let me by, foolish chat.
BN: I AM THE COOLEST CHAT ON THE INTERNET!  And you are in MY realm now!  *waves, and GA's trout is stripped from his hands*  You could have joined with me, but instead you spurn me!  I will leave you alone, to ponder your fate!

*The present*
GA: BN thought I couldn't escape.  I think he didn't realize that I could just leave.  He's not the smartest chat on the internet.
Heather: So if you weren't a prisoner, why didn't you come to my rescue?
GA: Well, I had to play email tag to confer with people, and that can take a while.  But you're safe, and that's all that matters.  You've reached the House of Kuzibah.  It took many days, but Kuzibah was able to remove the last traces of Shatner Speak from your system.
Heather: Whoo hoo!  So what now?
GA: Now, we attend the Council of Kuzibah.

*The Council of Kuzibah*
Kuzibah: I'm sure you've all heard of the One Ring, the only thing the 1969 Gremlin needs to enslave us all.
Da Wonder Sheep: But the One Ring was lost long ago!
Kuzibah: Ah, but what is lost may sometimes be found.  Heather.... bring out the Ring.

Heather timidly takes out the ring, and puts it on the pedestal in the center of the room.  The people in the room gasp, and confusion reigns.

GA: Behold, the One Ring!  That which was forged in the River Charles in Cambridge, and can only be unmade there!
Hazel: But wait!  Why must the Ring be destroyed?  Can we not USE the ring, to send the 1969 Gremlin and boazoars and everyone else we don't like back to 1969?
Jojo: History tells us that the Ring is evil!
Kuzibah: Indeed.  It corrupts all who would use it, and we would only replace one evil menace with another.  No, the Ring must be destroyed.
GA: Which means that one among you must bear it into the heart of dread Cambridge itself.

The room falls silent.

Heather: Oh, alright, I'll take it.  But I can't go alone, I'm always getting lost, and I don't know where anything is back East....
GA: Then I shall go with you.
Anthony: And I as well, as the representative of the board pimps!
Jojo: You shall have my bow as well!
DWS: And my ax!
Ciara: *from behind Heather's chair, where she's hiding*  Don't leave me!  I have to go with Miss Heatherosa!
Kuzibah: Very well.  It seems you two are inseparable, after all, you come to a secret council meeting when only she is invited.
GA: Well, so Bowen and Laura make 8.... we need one more.  Hazel?
Hazel: I don't want to!
GA: Why not?
Hazel: Cause people always kill me off in their fics, and you're going to cast me as Boromir!
GA: Look, Hazel, I cast you as Vincent Schiavelli last fic, and you didn't die, did you?  Trust me.
Hazel: Okay.  I too will join.
Kuzibah: Behold, the Fellowship of the Ring, Nine Walkers to oppose the Nine Dark Riders, and the last hope of the world!
Ciara: If Heather doesn't lose the Ring first.  BITCH!
Heather: SLUT!
GA: *sighs* There's no hope for any of us....

*The farewell banquet*
Laura: *munching away* So, Ant's some sort of board royalty, huh?
Bowen: Well, yeah, I guess so, half the board is related to him, after all.
Zoey: But who's that with him?
Jojo: That would be Sophie, the Blushing British Rose.  She wouldn't give me sex!  *sobs, drinks profusely*
Da Wonder Sheep: HEY!  I'm playing the dwarf here!  Aren't I supposed to be the one drinking?!
Kuzibah: *coming up to the group* Heather.... come with me.
Heather: *walks with Kuzibah* What's going on?
Kuzibah: The moment you have been waiting for is at hand.  Behold....

They round the corner to find.... Xander's Woman, drinking, of course.

XW: Heather!  How ya been!
Heather: XW!  So this is where you went off to!
XW: Yeah.  I've been working on some songs.  Only they won't let me sing them.  Indecent, they say.  BAH!
Heather: AAAAAHHHH!  Don't say anything!  Virgin ears!
XW: Sure, whatever.  So, I hear you're toasting my old ring.
Heather: That is my task, yes.
XW: Eeeesh, can't trust you not to break anything, even the mystically unbreakable.
Heather: HEY!
XW: Whatever.  I'm going to give you all my stuff.
Heather: Don't you want any of your stuff?
XW: Like I care about this stuff.  The sword glows in the dark when there are chat demons and gremlins around.  Quite a neat party trick.  And the armor is unbreakable or some *bleep*.
Heather: HEY!  I saw the movie!  You're supposed to want the ring back and be sorry you made me take it!  Yeah!
XW: Sorry, kid.  Now, I need more booze.....

And so, the next day, the Fellowship sets out, hoping to cross the Adirondacks.

Heather: *shivering* Soooo Cooooooold......
Ciara: Is she turning evil again?
Anthony: No, she's from California.
GA: There *is* that other route we discussed....
Ant: Let us not speak of it again unless there is no other way.

*a few hours later, a snow flake falls*
Heather: Ooooooh!  SNOW!
Jojo: Uh, that's just like one snow flake.
Heather: *sees a second snow flake* Oooooh!  More snow!
GA: It's no use!  We can't take her anywhere in this weather!
Ant: I guess you're right.  Very well, we'll have to use the route you suggested.... by the old board.

*The old BCS Spoiler Board*
Ant: Okay, everyone, time to rest, while we figure out which way to go.
GA: I agree.  It's been along time since we've been here, since the evil arose....
Bowen: A servant of the 1969 Gremlin?
Ant: No... something older.

Heather stands by the edge of the group, when she sees a figure sneaking around in the distance.

Bracken: Preeeeecious.... *hides

Heather: GA, I think I just saw.... Bracken.
GA: Yeah, she's been following us ever since we left Kuzibah's place.  I sense she has some role to play later in this fic, though only time will tell whether it's for good or ill....
Heather: You're cheating.  You're the author.
GA: Whatever.

*A while later*
Da Wonder Sheep: Hey guys, look at this, old posts from before we left this board!
Ant: *opens some posts* Postings being eaten left and right, whole days disappearing without a trace.... Posting filler and gremlin food, but the gremlins keep coming.... Drums, drums in the deep..... The end approaches....

Suddenly, deep booming drums can be heard in the distance.

Jojo: I think we're screwed.
Hazel: I'm going to die!!!!
Laura: No, you're not, your character doesn't even die this soon!
Heather: *taking out her sword, which is glowing bright blue* Uh... is this bad?
Ciara: GREMLINS!!!!

And with that, a horde of gremlins descends upon the boarders.  They fight down the hall, and start running down an old staircase in the middle of a massive room, with a huge deep pit below.  Suddenly, they come upon a gap in the staircase.

Jojo: *jumps over* Come on!
Bowen: *jumps, but barely lands safely as more of the stairwell begins to erode*
Hazel: I shall help the little people!  *grabs Laura and Ciara, jumps*
Heather: Uh, we're all about the same size, here.
Ant: If I didn't know better, I'd say she's using the excuse to try and feel them all up.  I like her style.
GA: Nice try, Ant, but I'm not writing a board slash fic.  *jumps over*
Ant: *looks at Da Wonder Sheep, offering to help*
DWS: NO ONE TOSSES A SHEEP!  *jumps over*
Laura: Uh... I don't think that line was even in the book.
GA: Not to my knowledge, but it's silly enough to merit my having written this entire scene around it.  *eg*
Ant: *grabs Heather and jumps across, just as the ground they were standing on collapses*  To the bridge!!!
Hazel: Who puts this sort of stuff in the middle of a spoiler board, anyway?
Heather: Shoosh!

The Fellowship runs for the bridge, but the floor shakes and a red glow is visible behind them as something approaches.  The first of the group runs across, as GA stays and motions everyone on.  GA runs too, but stops in the middle of the bridge and turns to face the oncoming....

Inside the Web: STAND ASIDE, POSTER!!!!
GA: *pulls out a pair of trout* I am a servant of the secret seafood.  You shall not pass.
ITW: *Takes a swing at GA, but GA deflects its sword with a trout, roars*
GA: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

The two clash again, when suddenly, the ground under the monstrous ITW gives way, and it falls into the darkness.  But as GA turns to rejoin his friends, the creature lashes out and grabs his ankle.  GA hangs by his hands over the edge for a moment....

GA: *to the others, who are watching in horror* Fly, you fools!

And then GA falls into the darkness.  The rest of the gang runs and finally makes it to the exit.

Heather: Why does GA always have to write himself a dramatic death?  *riff riff*  Paaaaaaain!
Hazel: This is not good!  I'm going to die next!
Laura: Don't worry too much about that.  I mean, that whole subplot with the big bad Orc that Saruman bred wasn't in the book, and was vaguely silly, except as a way to have a big last battle at the end of the first movie.
Bowen: Yeah, GA never casts boarders as baddies, so there isn't really anyone to fill that role.

*The Tower of Bravenet*
Bravenet: *stands over an opening pod* My greatest creation yet!  Who do you serve?
????: BRAVENET!

*back outside the old board*
Da Wonder Sheep: Where ARE we, anyway?
Jojo: Yeah, we should have come out somewhere in New York.
Ant: We must have gone too far North while underground.  We must reach sanctuary by nightfall at the court of.... Vampyr Slayer in the woods of Toronto.

*The woods of Toronto*
DWS: This place makes me nervous.
Ciara: Yeah, again with Ant leading us into the Canadian Outback.

Suddenly, they realize, they are surrounded by a large group of posters.

Robin, the Crossover Junkie: You have entered our realm without permission!  Surrender!
Surleigh: Yeah!  And I get dibs on whomever is playing Legolas!
Dawnmeister: No you don't!  He's mine!
SeventhSwan: Not if I can help it!
Robin: Excuse me, for a moment, while I confer with my colleagues....

And with that, the four break out into a scuffle.

Ant: *grabs Jojo, who was about to throw himself in* Don't even think about it, big boy.  Being torn apart is not a fun way to go.  Trust me.  Let's go see VS....
VampyrSlayer: Welcome, to Toronto.  You may all stay, and rest safely, knowing that the only peril here is that which you brought yourselves.
Ant: Peril me indeed... *rowr*
VS: Not a chance.  Hey, wait, weren't there supposed to be nine of you?
Ciara: GA he...
Jojo: ITW got him....
VS: I'm sorry to hear that... But I'm not too worried.  I starred in one of these things a while back, and he usually managed to make a dramatic comeback.  Alright, everyone rest up for your departure.  But Heather, Ciara, come with me....

Heather walks with VS down the stairs to a small pool of water.

VS: Do you want to see what the future holds?
Heather: *thinking* Well...
Ciara: *bowling Heather over* Sure!
VS: Very well.  Look in the mirror.

Ciara looks and sees the board subjugated, forced to watch UPN all the time.
Ciara: AAAAAHHHHH!
VS: Indeed, that sight is terrible, and it is surely what will come to pass, should the 1969 Gremlin regain the ring.  Heather?

Heather steps up to the pool and looks in.  She sees a flurry of battles, William Shatner walking and laughing, as he stands over the bodies of many fallen boarders, and finally, herself lying, seemingly dead, as Ciara wails "No!  You can't die and leave this to me, you big old BITCH!!!!!"

VS: One of your company will try to take the ring from you, Heather.  You know which one.
Heather: Yes.  I know what I must do, but I'm afraid, and it's cold out here.  Why don't you take the ring?
VS: *her eyes flash dark* And you would replace your worst enemies with a dark queen!  FINALLY, Ant shall be neutered, as I have long campaigned!  FINALLY, the women of the board shall be safe!!!  Tempting.  Very tempting.  But no, Heather, I pass the test.
Heather: Darn.

The next day, the group prepares to leave.
VS: Heather, I give you this.  It shall be your light when all else fails.
Heather: Oooh!  Is it a magical crystal?
VS: Nah, it's a whupass-large flashlight.  In a pinch, you could whack someone on the head with it too.
Ant: And we're off!

The group travels down the river, south towards Massachusetts.  When they break for camp, the group disperses to get firewood.  Heather is gathering branches when she runs into Hazel....

Hazel: I'm going to die soon, I know it!
Heather: Hazel, GA's never permanently killed off a board member in a fic, and I don't think he'll start now.
Hazel: You don't understand, he killed himself off!
Heather: Yeah.  He does that from time to time.
Hazel: NO!  I'm not safe!  The only way I'd be safe is if I had the Ring!  He wouldn't kill the Ring bearer!  Give it to me!
Heather: No!  *puts on the Ring, promptly vanishing*
Hazel: Heather!  Come back!  Oh god, what have I done?  I just started the events that will lead to my own death!  No!!! *runs back to camp, screaming* Guys!  Help!  Heather ran off!!!!
Ant: Hm.... that doesn't sound like something she would do.
Ciara: I don't know, she IS easily entertained.
Ant: Anyway, we'd better find her.  Split up!  Ciara, you're with me!  Hazel, Bowen, and Laura, go thataway.  Jojo, Sheepy, take the other direction.

Hazel: *whimpering as they walk off* I'm going to die, I'm going to die!

Suddenly, chat demons burst out of the woods.
Demons: Take the little ones!
Bowen: HEY!  We're the same size as everyone else!
Hazel: They're going to kill me!
Laura: They're not going to kill you, I mean, they don't even have a leader!

Suddenly, Hazel is poked by a really tiny arrow.

Hazel: Ouch!  *pulls it out, not really having suffered any damage, because it's pin-sized*  Who uses arrows this small?!

Stepping out from amidst the demon hordes....

Spot: I serve the coolest chat on the Internet!!!!

Hazel: *looks at camera* Okay, no way.  I'm not going to lose a fight with a hamster.  I'm going to go find a better role to play in this fic!  *storms off*

The chat demon grab Laura and Bowen and run off as Spot gloats.
Spot: Finally, I get the true starring status I deserve... *WHACK*

And with that, Ant comes running out of the trees, and punts the evil hamster.

Ant: That was easy.  But they've taken Bowen and Laura, and meanwhile Heather and Ciara have continued on their own.  I guess this toasts the whole Fellowship thing.  Might as well go rescue the kids....

*The boats*
A boat starts floating out, with no one visible in it....
Ciara: *comes running* Wait for me... you TRAMP!
Heather: *takes off the ring and reappears* Oh alright.
Ciara: Well, that was easy.
Heather: Well, I wanted to spare my friends the risk of death, but that doesn't include you... WHORE!!!
Bracken: *hidden in the bushes* Preeeeeecious.....
 

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