Fellowship of the Posters
Book One

***** Home of Xander's Woman Spazzins ******

A large gathering has accumulated in celebration of one of the board's most elder states-people, a true living legend.  Old regulars, more recent additions, and even recent dogpile victims have been invited.  Finally, the guest of honor stands up for a speech.

Xander's Woman: *holding the most recent of a long string of drinks*  My friends!  My family!  People I dogpiled this morning!  Sorry 'bout that guys.  I've been around for a long, long time.  And yet, it seems far too short a time to spend with people like you.  Well some of you, anyway.  I'm not *bleeping* drunk enough yet to give a *bleep* about most of you....

Some of the crowd is taken aback by this, and everyone wonders where she's going with this.....

XW: But I have to say that it's over!  Done!  You folks are out of beer, so I am OUTTA here!

Suddenly, XW disappears.  Mass confusion and panic ensues, and no one sees the back door of the house opening, with no one standing at it.  Inside, XW's bag appears to pack itself, until finally... XW appears, slipping a ring into her pocket.  She leaves a note on the mantle and is about to leave, when she turns to find.....

Green Armadillo: People are going to be talking about that for a while.
XW: What can I say?  I've had it with all these board gatherings, and being the center of attention.  I think I need to hit the road for a bit.  All the papers are in order, I'll leave the place to Heather and everything.
GA: Everything.  Including the Ring?
XW: Yep.  Left it on the mantle.
GA: And I suppose it slipped off and fell back into your pocket.
XW:  Huh?  *puts her hand in her pocket, finds the ring* So it did.  Well, why is that a problem?  Heather doesn't really need the Ring anyway.  And why should I give it up?  It's MINE, I found it!  It's my Precious!
GA: You're not the first person to call it that.  Give it up, XW.
XW: I... maybe you're right, GA.  Maybe these things started to get old and tiresome after I found the Ring.  *puts it in an envelope, seals the envelope*  Perhaps it's time to let it go.....

XW walks towards the mantle with the envelope, but can't force herself to put it down.  Her hands shake, and she drops it.  She is about to snatch it up again and pocket it, when GA quickly picks it up and places it on the mantle.

GA: It'll be in good hands, XW.
XW: *reluctantly at first* Yes.... You'll keep an eye on her?
GA: Two, when I can spare them.
XW:  *brightening, now that she's willingly given up the Ring* Well, then, I think I shall be off.  Not enough booze around here.  *heads out singing drunkenly*
GA: *sits, pondering, disturbed by what he's just seen*

A few minutes later, Heather Spazzins walks in.

Heather: Is she... gone?
GA: *looking up*  Yes, Heather, she left.
Heather: So she really meant it....
GA: Yeah.  She left some stuff for you on the mantle.
Heather: Ooooh!  *runs off, opens the envelopes*  Ooooh!  The house!  *bounces around the room*
GA: This is going to take a while, isn't it?
Heather: Ooooh!  Some other stuff!  *bounces some more*

*an hour or two later*

Heather: *stops bouncing* An envelope... what's...?  *opens it* XW's ring?
GA: *wakes up* Uh?  Ah yes, the ring.
Heather: I didn't think she would leave it....
GA: It's for the best, judging from its history.
Heather: You mean with the 1969 Gremlin?
GA: Yes.
Ciara: *hollers from outside the window, where she's hidden* What the heck is a 1969 Gremlin?
GA: The 1969 Gremlin was once one of our greatest foes.  The recap would take faaaar too long, and besides, none of you would go to my website if I summed it all up here.  (http://www.geocities.com/grnarmadillo)  Suffice it to say that it had the power to send things back in time to 1969.
Heather: And after the gremlin lost its body in your last fic, its soul remained inside this ring.
GA: The ring fell to Liz Parker, from Roswell, who should have destroyed it.  But she didn't, because she was evil, and saw a way to save her show from cancellation.  She used the ring's power to alter the past, so that the UPN picked up Roswell when the WB came to their senses and canceled it.  But the ring betrayed her - it fell off her finger as she attacked the boarders at Homecoming, and thus she was overcome and taken to F=j's dungeon.
Heather: Poor Liz... Mobby is probably still torturing her.
GA: Not really.  I've seen about 5 minutes of an episode of Roswell once.  She deserves what she gets.  Anyway, a boarder named Bracken picked it up in the scuffle at Homecoming, mistaking it for a shiny American dime.  She kept it for a long time, and began to talk to it and call it her Precious.  Only it left her too, for XW.
Ciara: But why are you sure this is the One Ring?  And why in the world would a gremlin pick 1969 as a year to send stuff to anyway?
GA: Well....

*Harvard University, 1969*
Nathaniel G. Remlin: Hahaha!  Now that I've graduated from hArvard, all the women will want me!
Girl: Sorry, but I'm not interested.  Haven't you heard?  Yale just started admitting women!
Nathaniel: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

*The Present*
GA: Nathaniel was so consumed with rage that he forged his Harvard Class of 1969 Ring with the water of the Charles, intended to send him back to the days before girls could go to Yale and thus know better than to want to go out with him.  But repeatedly living out those same few months aged him, and twisted him, until he became an evil destroyer of posting board posts and saver of bad television shows.  You can identify the ring, by its inscription and the Crimson stone it bears.
Heather: *looks at ring* Harvard, Class of 1969.  Nathaniel G. Remlin.  And a Crimson stone.  Looks like this must be it.
GA: Of course.  This would make a pretty dumb fic if you got one of the 2,398 miscellaneous insignificant rings, wouldn't it?
Heather: So what do we do?
GA: Well, the ring can only be unmade in the waters of the Charles, in the center of the dread land of Cambridge.
Heather: What do you and your Clown College have against Harvard anyway?
GA: *glares*
Heather: Oh alright.  Oooooh, aaaaah, danger, I can't do it alone!
GA: I've got JUST the helper for you.  *reaches out the window and grabs Ciara*
Ciara: Hey, no fair, you wouldn't have known I was here if you hadn't written me asking questions for the purpose of introducing recap!
GA: Look on the bright side, at least I'm not referring to you as Furby.
Ciara: True.
GA: Well, you're going to have to accompany Heather here.  Don't lose her.
Ciara: Oh, I wouldn't dream of abandoning Miss Heatherosa!  She's the coolest!
Heather: This is supposed to help?
Ciara: BITCH!
Heather: WHORE!
GA: *sigh*  You two go to the Prancing Poster Inn.
Ciara: Aren't you coming with us?
GA: No.... I need to look into something.  You two set out at once, stay off of the roads at night, never use the name Spazzins, and I'll meet you there.  Good luck.

The next day, Heather and Ciara set out on their journey.  They are walking along the road, carrying on as usual, when they run into...

Laura: Hey, Heather!
Heather: Hi!  Where are you off to?
Laura: I'm off to meet Bowen for lunch at the Prancing Poster!
Ciara: Oh, cool!  You can tag along!
Heather: Do you hear something?
Ciara: What?
Laura: I think I hear a horse.  Who the *BLEEP* still rides horses for transit these days?!
Heather: I don't want to find out!  Off the road!

The three get off of the road just in time as a black rider come galloping up.  It's a member of... the cast of Enterprise, on UPN!  *gasp*  The rider stops, and looks around, as Heather is sorely tempted to put on the Ring.  However, she resists, and the rider shrugs and rides away.

Laura: My god, what did you DO to get that kind of evil after you?
Heather: We'll explain on the way.  Let's go.

*The Prancing Poster, that night*
Heather: *walks up to the counter* Uh... excuse me?  Do you know a Green Armadillo?
JodithGrace: Of course I know GA, he's my dad!  Oh, hey grandma!
Heather: Jodith!  I didn't know you run an Inn!
Jodith: I don't really.  GA just wanted a way to include his daughter in the fic, and I threatened to hurt him if he made me tromp around in the underbrush or something.
Heather: Ah.  So, where is he?
Jodith: Dad?  Haven't seen him in weeks.  Don't worry, it's safe here.
Ciara: *looks in the corner of the room at a cloaked figure* Are you sure?  Who's that?
Jodith: *face darkens* That would be one of those sketchy folks from Jersey, they call themselves pimps.  He's got many names, but around here he's known as "Strider" cause he strides through all the women.  I'd stay clear of him, Mom said some bad things....
Bowen: *waving from her table* Hey, Laura!
Laura: Bowen!
Jodith: I'll let you know if I hear anything.
Heather: Thanks.

The group walks over to Bowen's table.

Laura: Hey, Bowen.  I bumped into Ciara and Heather Spazzins on the way over!
Heather: Shoosh!
Ciara: *jumps forward, to join in the scolding* Yeah, don't call her....
Heather: *knocked over by the Ciara, falls, and not realizing it the Ring slips on her finger*

Crowd: Wow, she disappeared!

Heather: *crawls under table, before taking the Ring off and emerging* I'm okay, just a big old klutz!

The crowd turns away.

Ciara: That was a close one, you should be more careful.  BITCH!
Heather: You're the one who bumped into me.... WHORE!
Strider: *having walked up to their tableside*  You BOTH should be more careful.  People are watching.  Not all of them good.
Laura: YOU!
Strider: The black riders are watching.  They are sick, twisted parodies of the actors they once were, who have sold their souls to the 1969 Gremlin in the hopes that he will renew their shows when he recovers the Ring.
Bowen: Wait... aren't you....
Strider: *puts down hood to reveal.....*
Bowen: DAD!  *hugs Anthony*
Anthony: I am Anthony, son of Drusilla.  And if by life or death I can sleep with you, I will.
Laura: Isn't the quote supposed to be "save you"?
Ant: Whatever.
Ciara: So, Ant, what are we going to do now?
Ant: Well, I don't know why GA isn't here yet, but he doesn't tend to show up for these things anyway.  We head to Kuzibah's place.  We'll be safe there until we decide how to get rid of the Ring.

And so the gang set out for Kuzibah's place, finally setting up camp for the night.

Ant: We'll head out tomorrow, and ford the Schuylkill River.
Laura: Is that really necessary?  I mean, there are bridges and things.   And for what reason are we camping out instead of in a hotel somewhere anyway?
Ant: It's a genre thing.
Ciara: Uh, guys, do you hear something?
Ant: *listens, suddenly becomes concerned* Horses.  Everyone, form a circle, facing out!  Grab a torch, they don't like fire!

The gang forms a nervous circle, as the Dark Riders approach, shying away from the fire, but drawing menacingly closer.  Heather feels more and more afraid, until finally.... she puts on the ring.  She recoils in horror to see the true form of all the Riders, especially their leader....

William Shatner: You.  Will.  Give me.  The.  Ring.
Heather: Nooooo!!!!!    I knew they'd never run your Iron Chef show if you hadn't sold out!!!!
Shatner: *stabs Heather in the shoulder*
Ant: Take it off!  Take off the Ring!  *beats the Riders back with the burning torch*
Heather: *takes off the Ring, and reappears, semi-conscious, as the riders flee*
Ant: It's no good.  This wound.... it's by one of their weapons.  It will slowly consume her, and she'll become more and more like them until they can finally control her.  This is beyond the medicine of New Jersey.  Heather's only hope is that we get her to Kuzibah's place in time.

The group journeys onwards as best they can, but Heather is getting weaker and talking more and more like Shatner.

Heather: I.  Feel so.  Cold....
Ciara: She can't take much more of this!
Bowen: Don't look now, but I think I hear another horse coming.
Ant: *bleep*.  Hey, wait, that's no black rider, those sunglasses are too cool for losers like them.  Hey, actually, those used to belong to me!  GRIM!!!!
Grim: *comes riding up on a white horse* Ant!  Kuzibah sent me out looking for you all.  Where have you all been hiding?
Laura: We've been camped out in the middle of the *bleeping* Jersey hinterlands, because no one thought to go get a *bleeping* car.
Grim: It's a genre thing.
Ant: Exactly what I said!
Heather: Ooo. oooo.  ooooh.  Pretty.  Horse.
Grim: *turns pale* Only one sort of wound could cause that.....
Ant: The King of the Black Riders stabbed her.  We're rushing her towards Kuzibah's, but we're not sure if she'll make it...
Grim: She shall ride my horse.  Let us make haste for the fords of the Schuylkill, and pray that the Riders do not lie in wait....

*The Fords of the Schuylkill, in deep night*
Ant: *bleep*!  I think the Ford is held against us!
Ciara: And Heather's fading fast!
Grim: Then we have no choice.  My steed shall not allow any who I place on it to fall.... I will send her on to safety.
Heather: But.  What.  About.  Every. One. Else?
Ant: Don't worry about us.  They're only after the Ring.
Grim: Now ride!  *commands the horse*

The horse sprints towards the river, as branches whip past Heather in the dark.  Looking back, she sees the terrible sight of all of the Nine riders pursuing close behind.  Indeed, as her wound has nearly claimed her, she is now half in their world, as in ours, and as a result, the outside world seems to fade as she perceives their true forms, reaching out to her.  She almost does not notice the water sloshing up to her ankles as the horse dashes across the river.  However, Shatner holds out his hand and she feels compelled by his power to stop, and she reigns in the horse just on the other side.

Shatner: Come.  And.  Join.  My host.

Heather stares, trying to be defiant, clutching the ring in one hand, and yet knowing that they will cross the river as easily as she has.  Finally, she musters the will to draw her sword, though not to turn away.

Heather: *trying to sound more confident than her weakened and frightened condition would allow*  If you want it, come and get it!

The riders begin to cross the river, as their horses buck uneasily.  Suddenly, as Shatner's horse reaches the mid-way point of the river, a slow roaring can be heard.  As the riders look upstream, they see a massive crest of water approaching them, hundreds of silvery trout jumping above the wave.  The rear horses turn to flee, but shy away from the bank as well, as Heather's friends approach bearing torches and shouting battle cries.  And then the wave crashes into the riders, sweeping them off into the darkness, as darkness rushes up to claim Heather as well.......

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