Disclaimer: Characters are owned by their respective creators. Holdouts are by and large owned by our Benevolent Dictator, Sheepy, though their actions are largely modeled on their benevolent titles, kept by GA. Action takes place prior to the current season of Buffy. And attempts to narrow the point in continuity down further than that will be met with severe mockery. :)
Xander Harris comes to in the old warehouse in Sunnydale.
Xander (internal monologue, narrating, henceforth "IM"): *thinking he'd
been knocked out in a fight* I'm alright, guys, all good....
Xander (spoken, henceforth no note): I don't know what groovy chick
that was, but someone get me her number...
Xander (IM): Huh?! Why did I say that?
Xander looks down, and realizes he's tied to a chair.
Xander: Well, baby, if it's me tied to a chair you want...
Principal Snyder: Ah yes.... Mister Powers has rejoined us.
Xander: Principal Snyder?! But you were devoured by the mayor at
graduation
Snyder: Now, now, Mister Powers, I didn't go for my doctorate in Evil
Education to have you worthless kids calling me "Principal". Now
it's Doctor Evil!
Xander (IM): Alright, first off, who's Mister Powers, and second off,
you mean he was that evil WITHOUT the doctorate?
Xander: Well, Doctor Evil, I don't know what dastardly plan you have,
but you can't possibly expect it to suceed.
Snyder: No, Mister Powers, I expect you to die.
Xander: Die? I don't see any henchmen with guns or anything, and
with you it's always some overly elaborate, easily escapable trap.
Where is this death supposed to come from?
Snyder: *gestures below Xander to a tank with sea bass with frickin
lasers on their heads* From beneath you, Austin Powers! Begin the
un-necessarily slow moving platform descent!
Xander (IM): This is so not good. My dead principal is trying to
kill me.....
Suddenly, the windows of the warehouse shatter inwards as in swing....
Willow and Tara, dressed in tight fitting spandex.
Tara: Oh no, Austin, what have they done to you?
Willow: Quick, let's set our baby free!
They untie Xander and all three jump off the platform, which has
lowered by about six inches during this whole process. As one
girl leans on either side of Xander, he faces Doctor Evil.
Xander: It's my lesbian side-kicks! Yeah, baby yeah! What
do you have to say for yourself NOW, DOCTOR Evil?!
Snyder: *fuming* You may have escaped my death trap, but you will not
leave here alive! Get them, my Zombie Soldiers!
Xander (IM): Zombie Soldiers?!
Suddenly, zombies rise through the floor of the warehouse, as Doctor
Evil makes his escape. Rather than some dramatic fight music
playing, however, the intro to a familar theme begins playing in the
background. The trio backs up towards the wall, Xander spreading
his arms to protect the girls.
Tara: There's too many of them....
Willow: How are you going to save us, Austin?
Xander: We have only one chance. I must work my mojo!
Xander quickly begins doing the snoopy dance. The zombies regard
him skeptically for a moment, and then break out into the zombie dance
from "Thriller" as the music swells to the Austin Powers theme....
New Line Cinemas
and Green Armadillo Board fic productions present....
Xander Harris as
Austin Powers in....
The Spy Who Shagged Christmas
The dance number spills out onto the streets of Sunnydale, dancing
zombies in tow. The citizens of Sunnydale join in and all seems
peaceful until a zombie upends a hot dog cart, spilling mustard on
Austin's multicolored felt coat. The girls fuss over him, take
off his coat, and hand it to David Fury, who ballet dances off with it.
Xander shrugs and leads the dance number past the line for the
bronze, where all the women scream and flock towards Xander. He
takes off and runs around the block, inadvertantly leading the girls
right into the mob of slow-following zombie dancers, who execute
perfect dance lifts on the girls. Dave Fury pirouettes back out
of the dry cleaner, holding Xander's mustard-free British Flag colored
coat, which he puts on with a smile, and runs for the Austin mobile,
Xander's car from The Zeppo. He jumps over the back into the
seat, does the painful straddling the stick-shift spot, and then drives
off as the girls jump in and the girls and zombies chase after the
fleeing Austinmobile. The musical number continues as he pulls up
in the alley behind the Magic Box. Xander and the girls jump out
of the car and run in the back to the gym, where Buffy is training.
She looks up, realizes a dance number is on, and promptly does
some dance moves not possible for those of us whose flexibility is
limited by normal human muscles.
Xander (IM and spoken): Yeah, Buffy, YEAH!
They all dance into the shop proper. As the enter, Anya, standing
behind the register, and Dawn, sitting on a table, jump up and do the
dance of capitalistic joy, until the procession finally winds up as the
song ends in front of Giles.
Giles: Austin, so good of you to join us. How was your day out?
Xander: Well, Basil, it was quite a mess. Principal Snyder is back, but
now he's Doctor Evil, and he has zombie soldiers!
Giles: Yes. Quite unfortunate that. But we've got a far
more serious problem that only you can handle.
Xander: Does it involve me shagging lots of hot women?
Xander (IM): I could learn to live with this job...
Giles: I'm afraid not, old chap. Dr. Evil and his organization
have been hacking into the North Pole.
Anya: Well, it's about time. Santa giving all that stuff away for
free every year, it just isn't American!
Xander: Anya, sweetie, I don't think the North Pole actually is IN
America....
Giles: I'm afraid it's quite more insidious than that. Dr. Evil
will soon have the means to obtain the entire naughty/nice list, as
well as the present inventory for Santa's sleigh.
Willow: But with that information....
Tara: Dr. Evil is going to SPOIL Christmas!
*Dr. Evil's hollowed out destroyed High School over the Hellmouth Lair*
Snyder: Number two, give me a report!
Principal Flutie: I don't understand why *I* need to be number two.
I was principle of this school before you were, YOU were
Principal Number Two.
Snyder: That's EXACTLY the sort of wooly headed liberal thinking that
got you eaten!
Flutie: But YOU got eaten too....
Snyder: Good point. Guess it comes with the territory. Now
is everything ready?
Flutie: Yes, Dr. Evil.
Snyder: Excellent. Open a channel to the UN!
Their viewscreen pulls up the UN Security Council
Secretary General: Dr. Evil?! What is the meaning of this?!
Snyder: My EVIL organization has hacked into the North Pole, and we're
going to spoil Christmas for all the children of the world unless you
pay me.... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
The UN Security Council bursts out laughing hysterically.
Flutie: Uh... Dr. Evil?
Snyder: Yes, Number two?
Flutie: Since you were eaten, the whole Furby and Tickle Me Elmo thing
has spiralled even more out of control than ever before. Parents
now pay hundreds of dollars above ticket price for the hottest toys
each holiday season. The point is that the toys are worth so much
more than one million dollars that parents won't mind if their kids
find out about them in advance.
Snyder: Right.... We will spoil Christmas unless you pay me... ONE
HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!
Secretary General: That's preposterous! The United Nations does
NOT negotiate with terrorists!
Snyder: Oh, but you have no choice! *raises pinkey to mouth*
Bwahahahahaahaa....
*The Magic Box*
Giles: Now, Austin, remember, this part is most important. If
Doctor Evil has already downloaded the spoiler information, you'll need
to shut off the obviously labeled main power switch for his lair, and
then destroy the computers it's stored on. But until you take out
those computers, the complete information in Santa's North Pole
database will be available to anyone in the Lair.
Tara: EVERYTHING in the database?
Willow: But he sees us when we're... uh... sleeping.....
Anya: *puts hands on Xander's chest* And he knows when we're...
awake....
Xander: Uh... right. Basil, there's no way this'll work.
Who's going to be able to resist dropping everything to go look
at the Christmas spoilers?
Giles: I've contacted a group through the Internet. They call
themselves uh... ah yes, the Hold-outs.
Xander: On the internet?
Buffy: Uh yeah, aren't most internet groups just looking for sketchy
nude pictures and stuff? Cause Dawn's still underage....
Dawn: Hey!
Giles: According to their most recent roster, almost all of their
members are female, so the younger Ms. Summers should be safe.
Dawn: HEY! Darn.
Xander: Uh... Basil.... what about us?
Giles: *turns red* Well... Austin.... you shall simply have to restrain
your mojo until you finish the mission. Report to Spike for your
super-spy gear.
Xander: SPIKE?! He's my equipment guy?
Spike: Only bloody role that wasn't taken yet....
Giles: I've also contacted Angel and his team in New York. He
says they'll all be here right away.
Anya: It's so good that they're all so close so we can call on them in
case of a real serious threat to the world.
Everyone nods.
*Dr. Evil's hollowed out destroyed High School over the Hellmouth Lair,
a bit later*
Flutie: Oh, Doctor Evil, while you were being digested by the Mayor....
Snyder: Was this before or after he got blown up into little pieces?
Flutie: That isn't the point. We activated your back-up protocol
and....
Suddenly, the wall... well alright, it wasn't there to begin with
because Sunnydale continues to inexplicably leave a derelect mostly
destroyed high school standing despite it's massive threat to the
public safety. But Austin Powers, his side kicks, and the
complete roster of The Holdouts come running in.
Xander: Your Evil plans end here, Doctor Evil!
Sheepy: Yeah, we're all about staying spoiler free for Christmas!
Snyder: Not so fast, Mister Powers! My computers are going to
broadcast the X-Mas spoilers to the world in five minutes, and you
can't both stop me and shut off the broadcast?
BC: Uh... why not? The computers are right over there.
Skittle: Yeah, why don't we just walk over there and deactivate them,
and then deal with you?
Snyder: Because of my insidious food-related trap. Release the
melted chocolate!
With that, a huge vat of chocolate is spilled into the room, and
there's suddenly a pool of chocolate in between the group and the
computers.
Tracy: What are we going to do now?
BlueRose: Hey, wait, it's just chocolate.
Dawnmeister: Yeah, I'm all for chocolate....
Caza: Uh... aren't you hyper enough already?
Bowen: No worries, I'll bake something out of it!
Mushmush: And whatever she doesn't bake, I'll chomp!
Snyder: Uh... this isn't working. Quick, bring out the cloning
ray!
Flutie: Yes, Doctor Evil!
Flutie quickly fires the ray at the Buffy and Angel regulars, and
creates a bunch of clones in the pool of chocolate, to block the group
from advancing on the computers. The two start running off.
Caza-bot: I'll protect you, holdouts!
Missy: Don't look to me, I'm an absentee member!
Firebird: Uh... then how are you here?
Geogirl: Hey, insane ramblings are MY job!
Mandikins: Alright, resistance, assemble!
Giles: It's no good. If Doctor Evil escapes, we won't be able to
get the codes to shut the computers down.
Ruth: We can hold them off here.
ALuv: Yeah, I've got plenty of zoo keeping experience.
Hazel: And I'm a sexy bitca!
Sheepy: Yeah, we've got this covered. Go, Austin!
*The back hallway, or the destroyed remains of it.*
The statue of Amy Madison's mom's eyes follow the fleeing Dr. Evil and
Number Two towards the Principal's office, as Austin runs after them.
They enter the destroyed office, where the big, clearly labelled
"main power shutoff" switch is located.
Xander: Now, Doctor Evil, you have nowhere to run!
Flutie: Ah, but we have backup.
Snyder: Yes... come, Scott!
Oz: *with a gun* Alright, THIS time, I'm gonna cap you, Austin!
Xander: OZ?!
Oz: Hey, it's work.
Xander: But I feel so betrayed.... you played an irreplacable role in
our gang, and now it's like you just dropped us for the first other
role that came along...
Oz: Man, they made my girlfriend a lesbian like a month after I was
gone.
Xander: Well... I guess you have a point there.
Suddenly, a character clone covered in chocolate goes crashing through
a wall, and spilling chocolate everywhere.
Chasa: Sorry about that!
Oz: Great. My big scene, and now I've got chocolate all over
me... and strangely enough raspberry.
Ruby2: Oh my god, it's choco-Oz!
Nikkikat: With RASPBERRY!
Ryno: GET HIM!
Oz: Uh oh... *drops gun and runs*
Snyder: This isn't good, is it?
Wolfram: *walking in* Nope.
Beffirae: Okay, I'll shake the maracas.
Flutie: Uh... why?
Sheepy: Because you idiots have lost. So DANCE, monkeys!
*The chocolate pit, as the AP theme plays again*
SteffiG scrambles around, trying to clean any windows and other messy
glass surfaces. Desi gives Seki a huge hug as Seki scritches her
head confused at this turn of event. Meanwhile, SpikedKitty
happily rounds up the chocolate covered Spike clones, Kim's got a few
Xander clones, Robin works to corner the market on choco-Wesleys, and
Jade tries to protect the choco Buffys and Angels, though Katlurkin
appears to have gotten away with one anyways.
Giles: So, uh... Mister Armadillo... what exactly do you do for these
folks, anyway?
GA: Well, I'm the benevolent storyteller. I tell stories.
Giles: Well, I can relate. Do you think they appreciate it?
GA: They prolly think I'm insane, if for no other reason than cause I'm
turning into a bigger crossover junkie than Robin.
Giles: Right. Hey, where did Austin go?
GA: He's hiding over there.
Sheepy: Really? Hey, Holdouts, UNITE to give our hero, Austin
Powers, a big Holdout thankyou!
Xander takes a good look at the chocolate covered gang for a minute.
Xander: Oh boy, here we go again....
He takes off with all the Holdouts in pursuit and runs through the
halls until suddenly.....
*Xander's Apt*
Xander wakes up.
Xander: THAT was one weird dream. Groovy, Baby.
FIN