Sorry no new West Wing today, basically this is what I was doing instead.....
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the actual people appearing in this fic, nor any of the copyrighted works I’m making references to. Any resemblance to real events, which have actually happened sometime today, is in no way shape or form coincidental, since that’s what I’m writing a commemorative fic for. This is a non-profit fic, so please don’t sue me.
*The New Jersey Turnpike*
Anthony is driving his
van, tired after assorted cross country travels, when he pulls up to a toll
booth, where a cute girl is taking tolls.
Toll Taker: “Good
afternoon. Do you want anything?”
Anthony: *looks her over*
“Rowr....” *winces slightly* “Look... I’d really love to, but I’m on my way
back from Sacramento and Berry really wore me out...”
Berry: *irl* “GA! We did NOT SLEEP together!”
GA: “Yes, sister dear,
this is why this is a work of FICTION.”
Berry: *leaves grumbling*
Toll Taker: *scowls at
Ant* “I meant perhaps some music.”
Ant: “No, thanks, I’m
covered.”
Toll Taker: *getting
frustrated* “Or perhaps the orchestra?
We have the orchestra of Camden....”
Ant: “You’re shitting
me. They have an orchestra in Camden?”
Toll Taker: “No, the
ORCHESTRA....”
Ant: “Oh.” *mutters
obscenities* “Give it to me....”
Toll Taker: *hands over a
CD* “Thank you for driving the New
Jersey Turnpike. We hope you come again
soon!”
Meanwhile, angry drivers
are honking that it’s taken Ant so long to clear the toll booth. He flips them off as he pops the CD into his
car CD player.
VS: *on the disk* “Good
afternoon, Mr. Zisa.”
Ant: “Rowr.”
VS: “Your mission, should
you choose to accept it....”
Ant: *muttering along to
the CD* “Yeah, like I’ve got a choice.”
VS: *recording continuing*
“And no, you do NOT have a choice....”
*Mission Impossible Music
starts playing*
VS: “Your target site is
the King of Prussia Mall. I’ve selected
your Posting Impossible team from your usual pool of agents. Kuzibah and Grim, who you’ve already met,
are based in the area, and have been sent equipment that you will need for your
mission.”
Ant: “Cool.”
VS: “I’m also adding a new
member to your team. You are to pick up
Green Armadillo at the University of Pennsylvania. You need him because... uh... his biology expertise will come in
handy on the mission. Yeah, that’s
it. Details on the rendezvous sites are
as follows....”
Ant: *jots directions
down*
VS: “Should you or any
member of your Posting Impossible team be caught or captured, the Board Momma
will disavow all knowledge of your actions.
This CD will self destruct in five seconds.”
Ant: *throws CD out the
window, towards the camera, it explodes at the MI theme cuts to the new rock
version, as he drives towards Philly*
*University of
Pennsylvania high rises*
VS: *instructions from the
CD* “GA lives on the twentieth story.
You will approach the building from the side and climb up to his
apartment.”
Ant: *glares at the
camera* “You’re got to be kidding me.
This is a *bleeping* dormitory.
Can’t I just walk in the front door?”
GA: *shakes head, sighs*
“No, Ant, you can’t. The security
checkpoint at the door only lets residents in.
They even make people they’ve signed in three times in the last hour
show them ID again.”
Ant: “Well, can’t I just
go to the desk and ask them to call up to your room, so you’ll let me in? Or maybe, I dunno if this one is being
directed by John Woo too, shoot my way in?”
GA: “Now, now, Ant. You know as well as I do that Ethan Hunt
always goes from the highly acrobatic dangerous top way in rather than risk the
lives of the guards.”
Ant: *sighs, pulls out
grappling hook, starts laboriously climbing up the building, when suddenly,
about 10 stories up, he sees someone large walking by....*
Heatherosa: *roars*
“Silv...... Caaaaaaaaaaar!”
Silver: “Oh no, not again!”
Bracky: “Run! Run for your lives!”
Heatherosa:
“Caaaaaaaaar!” *stomps off after them,
flattening half the city block*
Ant: “I’m not even going
to ask.”
Anthony keeps climbing up
to the 20th floor, and is looking for GA’s room, when suddenly the
window he’s resting his feet on slides open and he’s pulled in.
GA: *pointing a trout at
Ant’s face* “Who the hell are you, and why are you scaling my building?!”
Ant: “It’s me,
Anthony! I’m supposed to collect you
for the P:I team!”
GA: *lowers the trout* “Anthony....
I’ve waited a long time for this day.
You realize there is only one thing for us to do now...”
Ant: *nods, gets up, dusts himself off* “Let’s go.”
The two of them hike out
to Ant’s battle van, clothing billowing, and Santana’s “Smooth” playing in the
background like that scene in “Keeping the Faith”. They jump into the van, Ant hits the music, and they take off.”
Ant: “What, you were
expecting a drag-down knock-out fight?
What do you think this is, a Marvel Comic book?”
*King of Prussia Mall*
VS: *voiceover* “Since GA
has also never met Kuzibah and Grim before, I should probably furnish you with
a description. Grim’s tall. Really tall. That should be all you need.”
GA: *looking around* “I
hope we’ve got the right food court.”
Ant: “There’s more than
one?”
GA: “Big mall. Hey, it’s a really tall guy....”
Ant: “Oh, it’s them!”
Kuzibah: “Agent Ant! Good to see you again. Here’s your equipment, a camera HQ has
outfitted with some special attachments.”
Ant: “Great. GA, Grim, Grim, GA, GA, Kuz, Kuz, GA.”
GA: “I’m not sure I
followed that, and I just wrote it.”
Ant: “Okay, do you know
where our objective is?”
Grim: “I’ve spent years
familiarizing myself with the security and procedures of this facility. The target is right around the corner. Our getaway vehicles are located in parking
sector 42.”
Kuzibah: “We’ll rendezvous
at Denny’s. If I call abort, everyone
just walk away. WALK AWAY.”
Ant: “Great. Let’s go.”
The P:I team hustles off, trying too hard to look stealthy, and thus highly conspicuous
in the middle of a populated shopping mall.
Grim: “This is our target.”
Everyone looks at the
objective, a large statue of a teddy bear outside FAO Schwartz, holding several
building blocks.
Ant: “It’s a giant
*bleeping* bear.”
GA: “And this mission
needed an experimental biologist WHY?”
Kuzibah: “There are some
potted mall plants over there...”
Grim: “Alright, our
mission is to get a picture of this item.
To make it look casual, all of you pose next to it so we don’t draw
attention to ourselves.”
Kuzibah, Ant, and GA
immediately strike silly poses leaning on the statue, and Grim snaps a
picture. People are staring at the
silly P:I team, and suddenly...
GA: *looks down the
corridor* “I think I see a rent-a-cop....”
Kuzibah: “Abort! Abort!
Everybody walk away. WALK
AWAY....”
Everyone gets up and walks
into FAO Schwartz.
Kuzibah: *looks around,
sees that the group is still all together* “Everyone walk DIFFERENT ways!”
*sighs* “First I had to plan homecoming, now this.....”
*Denny’s*
Heather: “Hey, won’t that
go straight to all of your hips?”
Bracken: “Heatherosa, you’re
a 60 foot tall monster. You don’t HAVE
hips.”
Heather: “Shoosh, you!”
Kuzibah: “Looks like we
all survived the mission.”
GA: “Don’t be
overhasty. It’s taking the waiter 10
minutes to figure out what kind of ice cream they have in the back.”
Ant: “Well, at least they
have all these kinds of sugar packets for my coffee. I wonder if anything bad happens if I mix them.”
Grim: “Yes.”
Ant: “Seriously?”
Grim: *shakes head,
sternly* “No.”
Kuzibah: “I’ve uplinked
the images we captured to command, looks like our mission was successful.”
Ant: “They seriously
dispatched four of us to take a picture of a statue which is in a public place?”
GA: “Our missions aren’t
impossible, command just makes it look that way....”
*Ant’s place*
Ant: *on IM* “I don’t get
it. You had the four of us there. If you wanted the thing stolen, we could
have done it on the spot.”
VS: “Don’t worry about
it. You did exactly what you needed
to. And Ant?”
Ant: “Yeah, VS?”
VS: “The next time you go
on vacation, make sure to tell me where you’re going.”
Ant: “If I told you where
I was, I wouldn’t be on vacation.
Besides, I wasn’t ON vacation. I
had a court appearance.”
VS: “I’m not even going to
ask....” *signs off*
Ant: *to himself* “I
wonder what she wanted that picture for....”
VS: *looks at her framed
copy of the photo, which shows Ant and GA side by side* “Rowr.”
FIN