The following is a special Christmas edition of Posting: Impossible.  I
don't own any of the people or places described in.  While I don't think
there's any content that should offend people, Green Armadillo Fic
Productions Ltd hereby warns that this fic could in principle offend
people and therefore due to its content should not be read by anyone.  As
if any of you are reading this anyway.  And without further ado....

Posting Impossible: Christmas 2001, or How Green Armadillo Saved Christmas
with Shellfish

*GA's house, North-east Pennsylvania, December 28th, 2001*

GA walks inside and slumps down in a chair exhausted.  He bears numerous
cuts and scrapes, and his clothing is tattered and worn, save for his
leather jacket, which appears to have missed whatever severe beating he
took.  GA calls out:

GA: I know you're there, you might as well come in.
Sophie: *bursts in, storms up to GA* You missed my party.
GA: Yeah, yeah, I know, all y'all are gonna sic Heatherosa on me again.
Big deal.
Sophie: Don't you care that she's probably destroying your school right
now?
GA: Heatherosa doesn't have much geographical knowledge on this coast.
She thought New Haven was three hours out of New York.  I told her it was
a suburb of Boston, right across the Charles.
Sophie: Isn't that.... Cambridge?
GA: *eg*  Yep.

*Cambridge, Massachusetts*

Rufus: I say, Nigel, whatever is that ruckus?
Nigel: I have no idea, Rufus, old chap, but they clearly shouldn't be out
so late.  After all, it's after 8 PM, and we need to be studying.
Rufus: Well, then, I shall have to give that fellow a piece of my quite
considerable mind.  Excuse me?  Excuse me, sir, you're making a bit of a
scene, and we all need to be studying, what with our finals being after
break and all and... *STOMP*
Heatherosa: CAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!

*GA's place*

Sophie: *mutters* 'Look at my friend, isn't she pretty, she eats cars and
flattens cities!'  Americans.
GA: Yeah, yeah.  Don't you have anything better to do, or have you worn
Ant out already?
Sophie: Well, actually... HEY!  That isn't the point!  We had TWO parties,
and you missed BOTH of them!  I'm hurt!

GA: Well, SORRY I was off saving Christmas.  Sheesh, what more do you
people want from me?!
Sophie: Ooooh, a story!  About bloody time, let's hear it!
GA: *sighs*  T'was the night before the night before the night before
Christmas.....

*Short Hills Mall, New Jersey, December 22nd*
GA: *balancing large pile of packages* Ah yes, the beauty part of having
exams on December 19th and not getting home and being able to start
shopping until the 21st.  *sigh*  At least the shopping is almost done...
maybe I'll even get to do my Christmas cards before Christmas this
year....

Suddenly, the payphone he's walking by rings.

GA: Or not.  But even *I*'m not stupid enough to answer that.

GA walks by, and ignores ringing phones for a while, until finally....

Loudspeaker: Attention, mall shoppers.  Will a Mr. Green Armadillo please
come to the information desk to retrieve a lost package?  Thank you.

GA: *scratches head* Hm.... I don't think I'm short any parcels.... oh
well... *hikes to info desk*
Desk Girl: Ah yes, Mr. Armadillo, your cell phone.
GA: Uh, I don't own a Cell Phone.  They cause brain cancer and all.
Desk Girl: Are you sure?  It plays music by the Orchestra of Camden when
it rings.
GA: You're shitting me.  There's an orchestra in Camden?!
Desk Girl: The ORCHESTRA of Camden....
GA: Oh alright already.  Give me the bloody phone.  *sighs, and heads
outside, just as the phone rings*

VS: *on phone* Good afternoon, Mr. Armadillo.
GA: No.
VS: Excuse me?
GA: You're about to tell me that my mission, should I choose to accept it,
yada yada yada.  I choose not to.  Happy holidays!
VS: It doesn't work like that!
GA: Yes, actually, it does.  I'm not even a regular Posting: Impossible
agent, and I'm busy as hell.  Send your lap boy Ant to do it.
VS: I can't.  The mission needs to happen tomorrow.
GA: And let me guess... he's going to be too busy boinking his fave Brit
to save the world, and he's got your entire P:I team at his party.
VS: Not the world, GA, just Christmas.
GA: I'm not even going to die and still you're bothering me?
VS: Oh could you please care for ONE MOMENT so we can get to the actual
mission?
GA: Oh alright.
VS: Good.  The objective is in the King of Prussia Mall.  This'll be a
cake-walk, you'll be able to get the rest of your shopping in then....

*Hard cut to....
December 23rd, King of Prussia Mall*

VS: *voiceover* The Conspiracy for the Cessation of Christmas needs to
seize the bear statue from outside an FAO Schwartz on the 23rd so they can
use their technology to corrupt it.  Because the bear is a symbol of toys
everywhere, they'll be able to use it as an effigy and destroy all toys.
You must NOT allow that to happen.

GA: *muttering to himself* Great... baby-sitting the bloody bear.  *raises
camera, to verify that the bear is the same bear he and the P:I team
scouted in July*  Wait a minute...

GA adjusts the auto-focus only to find that the camera can find nothing to
focus on because... the bear isn't there.

GA: A hologram?  But where could it be projected from?  *does some quick
triangulation, finds a small generator.*  Dear god, there actually is a
group stupid enough to call themselves the CCC, and they actually stole
the bear....  *picks up the generator, but it turns off, and the bear
disappears*
KoP Rent-a-Cop: Oh my god!  He just used that device to steal the bear!
GA: No, wait, I can explain!  This was only a decoy, someone ELSE took the
bear!
KoP RaC 2: Wait, I remember him!  The last time he was here, he was
with... ANTHONY!

GA: I think the possibility of resolving this with reason just left the
building.

GA dives, as the Rent-a-Cops open up, glass exploding everywhere, as GA
whips a few trout out of his coat and throws them at the guards.

GA: Who the heck hires cops to shoot up a bloody mall in the middle of the
Christmas shopping season?  I though Posting: Impossible was supposed to
AVOID the use of firearms!  Oh wait, that's only the first one.  This one
is probably being directed by John Woo.

A pigeon flies across the screen, only to be whacked by a trout.

GA: CURSE YOU, WOO, AND YOUR LITTLE BIRDS TOO!!! *rolls to the next
available cover, while dialing on his cell phone*  GA to Grim, GA to Grim,
copy!

Grim: *on phone* GA!  You're missing a hell of a party!  *hears the
firefight* Or maybe you're having your own....

GA: Tell me about it.  The KoP patrol is trying to cap me.  Suggestions?

Grim: The mall security?  What did you do, pull a weapon?

GA: Yeah, right.  I don't even carry anything that isn't a fish!

Grim: Their rules of engagement are very strict about not starting
fire-fights during mall hours.  Scares the customers off....
GA: *leaps from his spot as two rent-a-cops round the corner, giving them
a clear line of sight on his position, cuts around behind the elevator*
So you're telling me these are some sort of operatives?  But that doesn't
make sense, my expected opposition's already GOTTEN its primary objective!
Why would they still.... unless... call you back, G!  *speed dials VS*

VS: GA?!  How do you still have this phone?!  After I'm done explaining
your mission it's supposed to...
GA: DON'T SAY IT!  So I hung up on you before you finished your spiel.
Big deal.  As long as no one actually SAYS it, the phone won't blow up.
Now, why are your CCC boys after me?
VS: YOU?
GA: They've already got their "target", and yet here they are having a
running gun battle with me.... *lobs a few more trout their way*
VS: How would taking down you affect Christmas?  Hey, wait, what about
your trout supply?
GA: I'm doing fine, thanks.  I don't actually CARRY this many fish on my
person.  I had my coat enchanted with one of those standard hero-type
extradimensional spaces, you know, the ones people use to hide multiple
Uzi's, katanas, and other weapons under coats that couldn't possibly
conceal them in the movies.  I just have the spell keyed to my fridge at
home, where I stash all the trout.  Why?
VS: Just like Santa's bag!  Oh god, GA, they're going to try and re-route
the spell to connect your jacket to Santa's bag!  Don't let them catch
you!
GA: Not planning on it... hey, why is this hologram emitter of theirs
beeping.... *ZAP*

Suddenly, a remote controlled-taser in the emitter goes off, knocking GA
out.....
 

**** The CCC HQ, 11:30 PM, December 24th****

CCC Member 1: *reaches into GA's coat pocket to pull out.... a live
lobster, which has grabbed onto his hand*  Not again!!!  Get it off! Get
it off!
CCC Commander: *sigh*
CCC 2: It's no good, sir, we aren't going to figure out how to target this
thing to a specific place before midnight, and you know what happens...
CCCC: Very well... question him.
CCC 1: *runs around the room, hitting the lobster on various surfaces,
trying to get it to let go*

CCC 2: *walks over to where GA is being held, beaten and frazzled from the
tazer shock*  Talk, Armadillo!  How do we get inside Santa's bag of
goodies?!
GA: Oh, like I'm going to tell you.
CCCC: Don't you see, it's all for a good cause!
GA: Wait, I know you.... you're one of those loony environmentalists from
campus!  What have you people got against Christmas?!
CCCC: Think of all the pollution the coal Santa hands out is creating!
And because there's so much evil in the world these days, that amount is
only rising!
GA: Okay, this has GOT to be the stupidest motivation for an evil plot
I've ever heard.  Do people even burn that coal?
CCCC: Like YOU get to complain.  *YOU* don't actually have to advocate the
thing.
GA: Good point.  Sucks to be the cheesy villian in the Christmas special.
CCCC: So for god's sake, have pity on me and tell me how to work your
coat!
GA: Oh alright, just cause you really don't have much else going for you.
Just turn on my cell phone, and say the password.
CCCC: *turns on the phone* Which is what? *repeats after GA*
GA: This phone will self destruct in five seconds.
CCCC: *after saying it, commands CCC 1* Try it!
CCC 1: *rubbing his sore hand, reaches into coat pocket....* OUCH!  THE
HUMANITY!!!  PAAAAAIN!!!! *runs off with another lobster biting his hand*
CCCC: *GA* Hey, what are you trying to....

Suddenly, GA's phone explodes, as is traditional.  In the confusion, GA
breaks free and attacks the enemies.  He is beaten back, and seems about
to be defeated by a swarm of guards when suddenly, the clock chimes
midnight.

CCC 2: No!  Now the Red Rider can sally forth!  Beware, for Santa Claus is
going to go to town on our asses!
CCC 1: CLAWS?! I CAN"T TAKE ANYMORE!!!! *runs away*
CCCC: All is not lost, CCC Commandos!  If we surround the chimney, we can
jump him as he comes in, and thus prevent him from spreading his foul,
pollution-causing coal to evildoers the world over!

Santa: *shouting out as he approaches CCC HQ from above* On Dasher and
Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, on Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen!

CCC 2: *pulling out large firearms* Claus is going down!
CCCC: That's the spirit!  We can take one fat old guy!

GA: *standing behind them, wearing his leather jacket again* Actually,
you're going to have to take him, and the guy with the seafood.
CCCC: And why can't we just shoot you first?
CCC 2: The Great Conspiracy for the Cessation of Christmas Commander
demands to know WHY we can't just shoot you!
GA: *wordlessly holds up a lobster*
CCC 2: *horrified* Because he's holding an endangered Maine Lobster!
CCC 1: *running back into the room with a whupass large sword* I will
defeat the lobster!!!!!
CCCC: No, you fool, there's only 2.3 million of them left off the coast of
Maine alone!  Stop him!!!!

And with that, the CCC'ers break out into a mass brawl, trying to protect
the lobster.  GA shrugs and throws the lobster into the crowd, before
heading to stand by the chimney.

Santa: *comes down the chimney* Ho, Ho, Ho!
GA: Nah, I don't really see any chicks, of the 'ho' variety or otherwise.
Santa: Now, now, GA, join in the Christmas spirit!  But first, let me find
these boys' presents!
GA: You're going to give them presents even though they kidnapped me,
stole a bear statue from a shopping mall, and shot up a mall in an attempt
to hunt you down and destroy the holiday you stand for?!
Santa: Of course!  *reaches into the bottomless extradimensional space
that is his bag*  A new SUV for each of them!

CCC 2: NNNNNOOOOO!!!!  The poor gas mileage on that thing alone will cause
more people to destroy our planet for more oil!  Must destroy it!
CCCC: You fool!  You can't just trash it, half its parts are
non-biodegradable!
CCC 1: DIE, lobster!
CCC 2 and CCCC: Stop him!!

GA: *looks over at them* They're going to be at this until next year,
aren't they?
Santa: *shrugs, hands GA a pen*
GA: Thanks, Santa!  What's this for, though?  CRAP!  I've got to write my
Christmas Cards!
Santa: *smiles, waves, hops up the chimney* Merry Christmas to all, and to
all a good night!
CCC 1: Okay, I've calmed down, I no longer see the need to kill the
lobster.
CCCC: Thank god.
Lobster: *bites CCC 2*
CCC 2: Kill the lobster!!!!
CCCC: NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

***** GA's house, present *****

Sophie: So you've been writing Christmas cards the whole time since?
GA: Actually, I *STILL* haven't started yet, but oh well.
Sophie: How lame.
GA: You have no idea how many girls have beaten you to that one.
Sophie: Bloody hell, I figure Ant's probably crawled out of bed by now.
Next time I have a sodding party, why don't you show up!
GA: Sure.  And Sophie?
Sophie: Yeah?
GA: Merry Christmas.
Sophie: You too.

Fin.

Back to GA's fic page!