Now, Christian Kane guest
stars for the double-sized trial conclusion of a special Buffy/Law and Order
Crossover Fic, as Jack McCoy and Abbie Carmichael try to prosecute Spike for
the murder of the Subway Slayer. And
you won't believe the Law and Order twist....
Disclaimer: All Buffy characters are copyright Mutant Enemy productions. All Law and Order characters are copyright Wolf Films. This is a not-for-profit crossover fanfic, so please no one sue me.
Law and Order Personae Dramatis:
Sam Waterson as ADA Jack McCoy
Angie Harmon as ADA Abbie Carmichael
Dianne Wiest as D.A. Nora Lewin
J.K. Simmons as Dr. Emil Skoda
*PLOSCNTM*
*Arraignment*
Bailiff: “Docket number 3425, People versus William the Bloody, a.k.a. Spike, charge is murder in the first degree.”
Judge: *dryly* “Nice name. Can I get a plea from Mr. Spike?”
Lindsay: “My client is not guilty, your honor, and frankly we resent being hauled across the country on these ludicrous charges....”
Judge: “This isn’t California, Mr. McDonald, you can save your indignation for the trial judge, though I’ll take that outburst to mean you’re opposed to remand.”
Abbie: “Your honor, Mr. Spike murdered a New York City Police Officer while in the course of attacking the occupants of a crowded subway car. He then fled the state and escaped our jurisdiction for over twenty years. Calling him a flight risk is a massive understatement.”
Lindsay: “Your honor, my client has unique nutritional needs, and a life-threatening allergy to the Sun...”
Judge: “Then we’ll give him a cell without windows and you can bake him a cake, as long as it doesn’t have any files hidden in it. Suspect is remanded without bail. Next!”
*PLOSCNTM*
*DA’s office conference room*
McCoy: “We’ve got the coat, the eyewitnesses who picked your client out of a line-up, your client’s fingerprints on the scene and the victim’s clothing from when he removed the coat from her dead body.”
Abbie: “Oh yeah, and a dead NYPD officer. The only advice you should give to your client that he’ll be lucky not to get the needle...”
Lindsay: “I’ve got a better idea. How about criminally negligent homicide, sentence commuted with a year of rehab in a California institution?”
McCoy: “Murder one, life without parole, or we go to trial.”
Lindsay: “Your tab.” *hands McCoy a motion* “Notice of intent to plead insanity.”
McCoy: “Just because your guy thinks he’s a VAMPIRE doesn’t mean he didn’t know the difference between right and wrong!”
Lindsay: “Why don’t we ask your shrink about that?”
*PLOSCNTM*
*Dr. Skoda’s office*
Skoda: “So you think you’re a vampire.”
Spike: *flashes to game face* “I AM a bloody vampire, you dumb sod.”
Skoda: *writes on pad* “Why didn’t you bite her?”
Spike: “Who?”
Skoda: “Office Tinsley.”
Spike: “Oh, right, the Slayer. Sorry, I forgot, I’ve bit so many people and all...”
Skoda: “For food.”
Spike: “Yes, for bloody food, blood is life, it’s what keeps us from being dead. Of course I bite people for food!”
Skoda: “So why not her?”
Spike: “The Slayer I ate in China, she was all business, and so was I. This one had more style, flair. It didn’t seem right to eat her. Besides, I’d already tasted a Slayer. And if you read the report, you’ll notice I WAS trying to eat someone, when she bloody SHOT me!”
Skoda: “Do you regret having to eat people to live?”
Spike: “You don’t get it, do you shrink? I’m a VAMPIRE. I have no soul, no conscience. These people you want to charge me for killing? Happy meals on legs. Slayer may have me whupped, but I’m still a vampire.”
*PLOSCNTM*
*bar*
McCoy: “Well?”
Skoda: “He confessed, to this and at least 20 other homicides.”
McCoy: “Does he possess the ability to tell right from wrong?”
Skoda: “In my professional opinion? I’ve been doing this for years, and I’ve heard every reason for killing people in the book. But this guy, he really DOESN’T think he’s one of us. If you call me, I’ll have to say that either he’s the best actor I’ve ever met, or he actually doesn’t believe killing humans is wrong.”
Abbie: “Anything that could help us?”
Skoda: “Well, there’s this girl he’s trying to impress, a Buffy Summers. I get the idea that he wants to do good for her.”
McCoy: “Thanks anyway, Doc.”
Skoda: “One more thing.... if I were you, I wouldn’t invite this guy into your house. Can’t be too sure....”
*PLOSCNTM*
*DA’s Office*
McCoy: “Thanks for coming Mr...”
Giles: “Rupert Giles.”
Abbie: “You’re the owner of the magic shop, right?”
Giles: “Yes. I’ve done a lot of research on the occult including your suspect... er, I mean the mythical killer he is pretending to be.”
McCoy: “Refreshing to see that you don’t believe in those fairy tales.”
Giles: *scowls, but doesn’t want McCoy to decide he’s crazy and stop listening, darkly* “Look, Mr. McCoy, this man you’re prosecuting is dangerous. He has killed many people, and he’s stalking a girl who’s like a daughter to me, so I would like nothing more than to see you put him away.”
Abbie: “You don’t want the death penalty?”
Giles: *thinking fast, realizing that a lethal injection won’t kill a vampire* “Uh... no... because he thinks he’ll live forever, so life imprisonment would seem like a worse punishment to him....”
Abbie: “I like it...”
McCoy: “We can decide what to do with him AFTER we convict him. Mr. Giles, what we need to know is, has this man ever done anything GOOD?”
Giles: “He’s not totally opposed to doing something good, but only when it serves his own selfish interests.”
Abbie: “So he’s never done anything to suggest that he values human life at all?”
Giles: “No, he hasn’t. In fact..... wait a minute.” *adjusts glasses* “There was this one time a month or so ago when the Bronze, it’s this local nightclub, was attacked by some troll... I think Spike was helping the victims to impress Buffy....”
McCoy: “Thank you, Mr. Giles....”
*PLOSCNTM*
*Supreme Court, Trial Part 57*
Woman from the Bronze in “Triangle” : “If he hadn’t helped stop the bleeding, I might not be alive today.”
McCoy: “So, would it be fair to say that he helped you because he recognizes the value of human life?”
Lindsay: “Objection! The witness is not a trained mental health professional!”
McCoy: “Let me rephrase. Why do you believe this man helped you?”
Lindsay: “Objection! Calls for speculation!”
McCoy: “In the witness’ personal opinion...”
Judge: “I’ll allow it. Witness may answer.”
Woman: “I think he helped me because he thought it was the right thing to do.”
*Hallway of the courtroom, after the court recesses*
Lindsay: *runs up to McCoy* “I don’t understand you, putting on character
witnesses to convince the jury that my client is a nice guy.”
McCoy: “Let me give you a hint. If he knows saving human life is good, then he knows taking it is bad.”
Lindsay: “Ah, but I’ll put him on the stand and he’ll testify that he only did it to impress a girl, for selfish reasons.”
McCoy: “Go ahead. If he takes the stand, I can cross-examine him. When I’m done, the jury will be begging to put him down.”
Abbie: “Your client is so convinced he’ll live forever, ask him what he thinks of life without parole if the jury decides to be leniant.” *evil grin*
*courtroom*
Spike: “Are you sure this is going to help?”
Lindsay: “Absolutely. Have a drink of water, and knock ‘em dead.”
Spike: “Will you do that for me? I think I can eat them if they’re already dead....” *takes a glass of water from Lindsay, drinks*
Lindsay: “The defense calls William the Bloody, a.k.a. Spike.”
Bailiff: *presents Spike with a Bible* “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
Spike: *recoiling from the cross embossed in the cover of the bible* “Yeah, I’ll talk already, take it away!”
Lindsay: “Yesterday we heard from a girl who said you helped her. Did you do this because of your remorse for everything else you’ve done in your life?”
Spike: “Hell no, I did it to impress the Slayer. All that blood, and I didn’t even take a taste, and even THAT didn’t impress her. I was going to stake my OWN SIRE, my darling Dru, for her, and it didn’t make a whit of difference.”
Abbie: *at the prosecution table, whispers to McCoy* “Why’s he doing this, Jack? He’s not winning any points with the jury....”
Lindsay: “So you did it for selfish reasons.”
Spike: “Yeah.”
Lindsay: “And why did you kill Officer Tinsley?”
Spike: “She was the bloody Slayer. Having killed two of them is a badge of pride for me.”
Lindsay: “No further questions. Your witness, McCoy.”
McCoy: “Describe for the court how you killed Officer Tinsley.”
Spike: “Well, I was drinking this girl, and then Tinsley shoots me, and we fought, and I snapped her neck. Done.”
McCoy: “So if Officer Tinsley hadn’t happened along, you would have killed this other girl too.”
Spike: “That’s right.”
McCoy: “And you DID kill others, didn’t you? Tinsley was undercover on that train investigating a string of murders that YOU committed, didn’t you!”
Lindsay: “Objection, and approach!”
Judge: *snarls* “Make it quick!”
Lindsay: “Past bad acts aren’t admissible!”
McCoy: “They are when they go to motive. He committed the crime he’s charged with in furtherance of a killing spree.”
Judge: “Objection overruled, the witness will answer.”
Lindsay: *heads back to his table, not looking upset by the ruling*
Spike: “Yeah, I killed them too. What can I say, I was right hungry, and the food here sucks.”
McCoy: “How many people did you kill?”
Spike: “Too many to count, boy. I’ve been doing this since 1880.”
McCoy: “How many did you kill here in New York in 1977?”
Spike: “It couldn’t have been more than four or five before your bloody manhunt chased me out of town...” *trails off, looks uncomfortable*
McCoy: “And you don’t feel any remorse at all for your reactions?”
Spike: “I...” *coughs, looks half ill* “Of course I...” *coughs, suddenly clutches his chest, keels over in pain, falls forward over the witness stand*
Lindsay: “Oh my god, my client isn’t breathing! Get a doctor!”
*DA’s office*
Nora: “When I said I wanted you to seek the death penalty, I meant AFTER you convicted him.”
McCoy: “Look... it’s the strangest case I’ve ever run, and that says a lot. Bottom line, we caught him, he’s dead, case closed.”
Kate: *knocking at the door* “Hello?”
Nora: “Aren’t you the new ADA candidate?”
McCoy: “New ADA?”
Nora: “She asked for an interview, and I told her I’d let her know if we had any openings.”
Kate: “No, I think you’ve got me confused for someone else. I’m Kate Lockley.”
Abbie: “Oh right, the LAPD detective who found the fingerprints....”
Kate: “Yeah, that’s me... but what fingerprints?”
McCoy: “The crime scene prints you took of Spike tipped us off that he was in LA.”
Kate: “Your detectives said something about my crime scene reports, but I never found any prints...”
McCoy: “Then who entered his prints in the system?” *phone rings, Abbie answers*
Kate: “That’s not the only problem. His mysterious ‘heart attack’ in court today... a vampire won’t die of a heart attack...”
McCoy: “Really. Then why is he dead?”
Abbie: *puts down phone* “Maybe we shouldn’t be hasty on that account....”
*PLOSCNTM*
*Hospital*
McCoy: “What do you MEAN his body is gone?!”
Doctor: “Look, I can say with 100% certainty that he was dead. No pulse, no breathing, body was cold, and tox screen didn’t show any agents that would let him fake it.”
Green: “So where did the body go?”
Doctor: “Look, the guard is right around the corner, we know that no one went into the room. And let’s just say your dead guy got up and walked out the door. The guard can see the door!”
Briscoe: “In this corner mirror here?”
Doctor: “Yeah.”
Abbie: “Oh great...”
*Offices of Wolfram and Hart*
Spike: “What the HELL did you poison me with?!”
Lindsay: “Actually, it was a magical incantation. It affects your demon side, so it’s undetectable by medical screens looking for human toxins.”
Spike: “Alright... FIRST butterfingers here...” *nodding to Lilah* “Drops the ball, and I get hauled off to New York, then YOU bungle and land me in Attica, you nearly get me LIFE in prison, which is a bloody long time given that I’m not going to bloody DIE, and on top of it all your wankers POISON me?! I didn’t even HIRE you sods, but I don’t care, you’re all FIRED! I’m going back to Sunnydale. They all hate me there, but at least they’re competent. Well, more competent than you people anyway....” *leaves*
Lindsay: *to intercom* “Let him go.”
Lilah: “Who DID talk us into taking this case, anyway?”
A figure steps out of the shadows.
Figure: “That would be me. You people did perfectly.”
Lilah: “We didn’t get him an acquittal...”
Figure: “Which is what I paid you for. No acquittal, but also get him out.”
Lindsay: “Not that I care, since the customer is always right, but I don’t get it. Lockley never had Spike’s fingerprints. You paid us to enter them into the database so the cops would come and try him, so we could bail him out. Why was it worth your while?”
Figure: “Well, Spike still has pending criminal charges against him. He might seek a pardon.”
Lilah: “A pardon?! Who is going to pardon a copkiller?!”
Figure: “Probably no one. But all I really want is for him to meet the President. And I hear President Bartlett is a forgiving guy....”
THE END.... for now.
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