Disclaimer: I don’t own the BCS board or its residents, or pretty much anything else appearing in this fic, except for any and all trout.
Leoff: “A spoiler board fic recap for GA’s board fic...”
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MV: *jumps up angrily on his desk* “You DARE defy me?” *throws his arms out to both sides* “I am the greatest director of all time! I am the KING of the WORLD! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE MIGHT.... of James Cameron!!!!!!”
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Bracken: “Okay, I think we’ve proven that it’s him.”
Silver: “Great. What now?
Saria Angel: “We ask him nicely to stop?”
Bracky: “Mr. Cameron, would you please stop being COMPLETELY INSANE?!”
James Cameron: “Let me think about that.... NO. So, by which of my many creations do you all wish to be killed? Since you were so good at figuring this out, you deserve the honor of death at the hands of my finest works.....”
Silver: “Uh... how bout we pass on that?”
Saria: “Yeah... I’m not even a regular or anything....”
Cameron: “Very well... I shall exercise my own great creative mind on your behalf....”
Suddenly, a voice is heard from the doorway...
???? : “Actually, Mr. Cameron, we would so hate to take up so much of your valuable time, since I’m sure there’s something else you should be doing....”
The boarders turn around to see... Vampyr Slayer, holding something in her hand.
Cameron: “You presume to tell ME what to do?”
VS: “Well, no. But since your lacky ITW had his mental breakdown, the gremlins have been running free. Our gremlin hunter, Buh Buh Raven was nice enough to herd them this way, and our resident chef whipped up some special treats for them. Too bad she got tired of carrying all that food around and set them down in front of all your Academy Awards....” *holds up a golden statue on a wood pedistal, covered in gremlin food*
Cameron: “MY OSCARS? NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!” *He dashes out of the room*
VS: *tosses the statue to the side* “Come on, everyone, let’s rescue Wolfie and Enigma and get out of here.”
Bracky: “Aren’t we going to keep that as a souvenir?”
VS: “Nah, it’s just gremlin food painted gold. That’s why GA was stealing our gremlin bait in the first place. I must say, that hungry horde is going to be very interested in anyone carrying a bunch of those....”
The group laughs as they rescue their comrades and head out of Cameron’s office....
Downtown, 20 minutes later....
The boarders are mingling in the crowd outside a press conference with Joss Whedon, execs from the WB and Fox, Eliza Dushku, and N’Sync. The conference starts.
Joss: “Before we get started here, are there any questions?”
A slight scuffle is heard, and several reporters go down in the crowd, only to be replaced a few seconds later.....
Hazel: *disguised as a reporter, with press pass and notepad “borrowed” from one of the poor reporters who “tripped and fell” a moment ago....* “Uh, yes, Mr. Whedon? We were wondering if anyone here has any comment regarding the unusual disturbances to Buffy-related websites, posting boards, chat rooms, and mailing lists in the last week.”
Joss: “Uh... I hadn’t heard, but I find such reports deeply disturbing....”
Suddenly, a haggard figure bursts in the back door of the auditorium, with clothes torn.....
James Cameron: “WHEDON! This is all your fault!!!!!”
Everyone else in the room: “JAMES CAMERON?!”
Mitsy: “I knew it was him all along!!!!”
Cameron: “Everyone SHOULD be watching MY show! But instead, it keeps slipping in the ratings while yours stays right where it is! If only your stupid fans would stop promoting it, I WOULD be KING OF THE WORLD!!!”
Joss: “My show’s fans on the net around the world are the greatest, and I couldn’t be more proud of them. That’s really all I’ve got to say to you, James. Well, except maybe we should do a cross over sometime.”
Cameron: “Really?”
Joss: “Sure... if you count stealing our show’s name, imitating our characters and plotlines seasons after we did them, and running it in the same timeslot.”
Kira: “I think what he’s trying to say is... get out of our faces.”
Bos: “Cause if you want to get to our show, you’re going to have to go through us.”
Sarah Rose: “Careful. She’s a hair puller.”
Jodith Grace: “I think that’s Buffy’s OTHER sister... er, the OTHER Buffy’s other sister... uh.... oh you get the idea.”
Cameron: *getting ready to scream something about his superiority, when he hears the approaching gremlin horde* “Curse you, Whedon! I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids! And their stupid board!” *runs away, gremlins in hot pursuit*
Fox Exec: “WHAT was that all about?”
Jamie Kellner, President of the WB: “Don’t ask me, he works for you people.”
Lindsers and Anthony’s Mansion.....
It’s a few hours after the conference, and all the boarders have gathered at the house to rest up. Suddenly, a lone figure walks up, dragging a body behind her....
Dru: “Bravenet really needs to lose some weight.... he’s heavy!”
Lydia: “Hey! You got Bravenet!”
Ozzie: “Okay... I’ll lock him up again... under tighter security this time.”
Suddenly Bravenet leaps to his feet.
Bravenet: “NO! I am the COOLEST chat on the Internet! You will NOT imprison me again! I will destroy you all!!!!”
The boarders look at BN skeptically. Finally, the silence is broken by a cry of....
Da Wonder Sheep: “BA! GET THE TABLES!!!!”
MCLVR: *drags out a table and sets it up near BN*
The rest of the boarders smile, and leave BN to his fate.
BN: “Why are you ignoring me? I’m a threat! I will – “ *BN is slammed through the table by MCLVR and DWS*
Buh Buh Raven: “Not bad.”
Bowen: “Eh, we could take them, dear.”
MCLVR: “You wouldn’t stand a CHANCE in a tag team tables match!”
BBR: “That sounds like a challenge....”
Bowen: “We’ll see your tag team tables match, THIS THRUSDAY NIGHT on WWBF Smackboard!”
DWS: “You step into OUR yard, you’re going for your LAST RIDE....”
The four of them get in each other’s faces, ready to fight....
Anthony: “MCLVR! BOWEN! NO WRESTLING IN THE HOUSE!!!!”
MC and Bowen: “Yes, dad....”
Elsewhere in the house....
Eliza Dushku and N’Sync were talked into partying with the boarders after the conference. Eliza’s presence is enough to satisfy the N’Sync detractors in the group, as N’Sync performs their hit song about Faith, “Five By Five”....
JC: “This one goes out to our girl, Krista!”
Mitsy: *screams wildly*
N’Sync: (Thanks to Mitsy for explaining who’s singing which lines here!)
JC: “She’s doin' this tonight, she’s probably gonna start a fight, some vampys gonna dust tonight, Hey baby come on.”
JC: “Slayin’ demons endlessly, the watchers won’t be there to see, So now she’s gonna leave and make it alone....”
Justin: “They know that they can't take no more, It ain't no lie, she’ll dust the vampys with the door, Baby five by five...”
Unison: “Demons be a fool if they mess with you, even if you only slay one or two....They may hate you but but it ain't no lie, Faith is five by five...”
Unison: “She don't really wanna make it tough, but the vampys had enough. It might sound crazy, But it ain't no lie, baby Five by Five!”
As the boarders party, Bracky comes in with a surveillance feed....
Lindsers: *looks at Bracky* “What do you have there?”
Bracken: “I’m not sure if Cameron was really behind everything... listen to this....”
Bracken’s tape, recorded from the bugs she planted in Cameron’s office.....
Police Officer: “Well, Mr.
Cameron, I’ll admit your story seems hard to believe... but we’ve checked your
office records... and we can find no evidence whatsoever of your activities for
the last month. Are you sure you don’t
remember anything at all?”
Cameron: “No... I was at a party a month back... lots of actors and other
people in the industry were there.... and I don’t remember anything since....”
Officer: “Well, Mr. Cameron,
you’re lucky you weren’t hurt....”
Cameron: *shaken* “I guess so.... wonder what I was doing...”
Outside the office, and out of range of Bracky’s bug, a lone figure in a coat looks across the way at Cameron.....
“Greatest director of all time indeed... he couldn’t even take some internet fans. Maybe I should hypnotize someone else....” *ponders this, rubbing his forehead with his hand* “Or perhaps it’s time for me to step in myself. If it’s a war they want....”
The figure lowers his hood to reveal...
James Van Der Beek: “It’s a war they’re going to get.....”
The Buffy Cross and Stake Trout Storage Warehouse.....
VampyrSlayer stands sadly, looking at the spot where GA was before he disappeared in the vortex. She lays a trout down on the spot, and is deep in thought when suddenly she hears a sad voice behind her....
???? : *mournfully* “The cheese did not protect him....”
VS: *turns around* “F=j!” *they hug*
F=j: “I trained him so well too... he was getting all evil... but not well enough....” *sobs*
VS: “I know.... but maybe.... it’s better this way....”
Sarah McLachlan (singing voice over, you might recognize it....): “So it's better this way, I said....”
F=j: *puzzled* “How do you figure?”
Sarah: “Having seen this place before....”
VS: “Well... now I only have ONE Riley Lover after me...”
Sarah: “Where everything we said and did...”
F=j: *smiles slightly, catching on, but still sad*
Sarah: “Hurts us all the more...”
VS: “What’s up with that, anyway?”
Sarah: “It’s just that we stayed, too long....”
F=j: “Don’t ask me, I’m a Dark Sider too....”
Sarah: “In the same old sickly skin....”
VS: *sighs, sad*
Sarah: “I'm pulled down by the undertow...”
F=j: “Come on, let’s cheer you up.... you can borrow my rocket launcher and we’ll torch Lindsers’ Riley dolls...”
Sarah: “I never thought I could feel so low...”
VS: “Won’t she be mad?”
Sarah: “Oh darkness I feel like letting go...”
F=j: “Not after you apologize sincerely that Ant did it to impress you that he wasn’t a Riley Lover anymore...”
Sarah: “If all of the strength and all of the courage....”
VS: “F=j! You’re evil!”
Sarah: “Come and lift me from this place...”
F=j: *with a smile* “So I’ve been told...”
Sarah: “I know I could love you much better than this...”
The two walk off, hand in hand.....
Sarah: “Full of grace....”
THE END......
EPILOGUE:
Focus on the spot where VS laid the trout. Suddenly, there is a flickering light. If only VS and F=j had stayed a little longer they would have seen......
Nothing. So it’s good they didn’t waste their time. Though I’m going to have to call maintenance about that light bulb. What, you were expecting something else? Eesh, who do you think I am, Angel? Isn’t it Creatures of the Night time already? Go Arise already! And thanks for reading!
Green Armadillo (January 17, 2001)
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