Historical Note: This fic featured a contest to guess the mystery villain. Winners from the first time the fic was published are below.
This fic is dedicated as follows:
"To the brave women and men of 'Neuter Ant Now' for their work in pursuance of the greater good of humanity (or at least the board family tree)."
Disclaimer: I don’t own the BCS board or its residents, or pretty much anything else appearing in this fic, except for any and all trout.
Leoff: “A spoiler board fic recap for GA’s board fic...”
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Mitsy: OMG omgomg!
You guys will never BELIEVE who BN had prisoner!!!!!
Boarders: *collectively look at Mitsy for a moment,
sigh*
Mitsy: *not caring* N’Sync!!!!!!!!
Wolfie: *starts sobbing uncontrollably*
GA: Wolf-man, try to think positively. Imagine they’re saying “Five by Five”, that’s what I do.
Fred: Hm..... excuse me a moment.....
Mitsy: OMG, they’re going to sing!
Talia: *hair instantaneously crimped when it used
to be straight, thanks to being zapped with massive amounts of chronometric
energy. Not that I recommend this as a
hairstyling method, but it may be the only logical explanation for how Buffy
finds the time.......* WOW! It’s N’Sync!
N”Sync: *takes the stage, starts their song* FIVE BY FIVE!
Wolfie: *jumping up and down for joy* OMG!
It WORKS! SEE THE POWER OF
POSITIVE THINKING!!!!
Chloe: You know, I never noticed how much one of
those drum beats sounds like a whip.
Sophie: Good point.
I wonder why they keep flinching every time that one hits though....
Fred: Shhhh......
Bagel: *looks at the
monitor* “What’s going on? Hey, they’re trashing our house!” *on the screen, a large number of grey
metallic robots are seen, breaking in.
Suddenly, one pops up right in front of the camera, and its gleaming red
eyes are the last thing on the tape before static* “If they took anything....”
Mystery Villian: “No matter...”
*looks over at the ITW pop-up ad, mini-me, who is playing with a model ship in
the office* “CUT THAT OUT!! YOU DISHONOR
THE MEMORIES OF THOSE WHO WENT DOWN WITH THAT SHIP!!!!!” * takes a moment to
compose himself* “All that matters is
the plan... initiate the capture of the boarders in question.”
ITW: “Right away, sir.”
Mini-me: “No problem, J-Dawg!”
MV: *stops, looks at Mini-me,
sternly* “I have accepted many titles.... many many honors in my time.... and I
AM the GREATEST that my field has ever seen.... but no one calls me J-Dawg and
lives.” *pushes a button on his desk. A trap door opens under Mini-me’s feet, and
he is dropped down below into a pit, where he is quickly devoured by hungry
aliens*
Eowyn: *runs into the room,
half-panicked* “Guys! We’ve got trouble! Someone’s kidnapped Wolfie and Enigma!!”
BBR: *runs in behind her*
“It’s true.... their rooms were trashed... and we found this in the rubble...”
*holds up a burnt piece of metal, clearly blasted off of a robot of some
sort. A 20th century Fox
logo is visible on it....”
Head Gremlin: “Yes, sir. Using your hardware, we secured the boarders
Enigma and Wolfie. We’re now going to
know exactly where the ratings stand.”
MV: “YOU PEOPLE ARE THE MOST
INCOMPETENT GROUP I HAVE EVER DIRECTED!
I HAVE WORKED WITH THE VERY, VERY BEST, BUT NOW-“
AOL: “Oh save it for the
Academy. We need a distraction. Can you handle that?”
MV: *picks up the phone,
dials* “Hello, Eliza? Yeah, it’s me, so
glad you remembered. No, this isn’t
about that... I need you to put in an appearance for me....”
’69 Gremlin: *facing VS, the
only boarder standing, with an evil grin* “You people like fish almost as much
as the Boss, and he spends his spare time filming the bottom of the ocean....”
__________________________________
Note – Any reference to “Dru” herein refers to the boarder with said name, while any reference to “Drusilla” refers to the Buffy vamp who sired her grandsire.... :)
The new hideout of ... Bravenet! (Well, okay, just his motel room, give the poor chat credit, he just got out of jail.... lol)
Bravenet: “Soon... the time will come when I shall get my revenge on the boarders for imprisoning me! They ALL shall PAY....” *there’s a knock on the door, BN goes to answer*
Dru: “Hi” *waves, smiling*
Bravenet: *looks at her for a minute* “YOU! YOU are a BOARDER! I shall DESTROY YOU for daring to face me!!!!”
Dru: “Uh, actually, I just wanted
to introduce you to someone...”
BN: “Huh?”
Dru: “See, I play this vampire named Lisette in f=j’s Buffy RP, only she just suffered an ambiguous death, so she isn’t going to be around for a bit, and I thought she might like some company....”
BN: “I.... uh... I see... well... how nice of you...”
Dru: *shoves Lis in the door* “I’m sure you two will get along nicely.” *turns and splits*
Lisette: *looks BN up and down* “What’d you do?”
BN: “I am the coolest chat on the internet!”
Lis: “I see. Well, you beat my last roommate. He never helped with the housework. Maybe because I kept him chained to the wall....” *vamps out, flops on the bed, and turns on the TV*
BN: *at a bit of a loss for words, when someone else knocks on the door, he opens it*
Forgwyn: *a mysterious gentleman is standing at the door* “Good evening to you, sir. We’re looking for someone of ours, who we think has fallen into your possession....”
Drusilla: *standing behind him, swaying slightly* “She has been very very naughty... she won’t do as she’s told... The moon says we’re bad nannys... bad bad BAD!”
BN: *blinks, not sure what to think*
Forg: “Yes, well anyway, if you’ll just hand her over, we’ll be on our way...”
Lis: *hears their voices, stands up, afraid* “Oh god... that’s Forgwyn... be careful, Bravenet, he’s a vampire who can make your worst fears come to life....”
BN: “I don’t fear you! I am the COOLEST CHAT ON THE INTERNET!!!!!”
Forgwyn: *looks a bit cross at BN’s response* “Well, that must be quite good for you, but I must say that I don’t really care.”
Drusilla: *walks around him slowly, playfully biting at the air as she sizes him up* “The stars don’t like this one... they say he’s bad. They’re so judgemental.....”
BN: *overconfident* “The only way you’re getting to her is through me.
Forgwyn: *vamps out* “If you insist.... I always wanted to dissect a chat....”
The lair of ITW....
ITW: “Great. The ’69 gremlin has disappeared. But at least there’s a bright spot....”
AOL: “What’s that?”
ITW: “I’ve got a new helper...”
Into the room walks.... the ITW “thank you for posting” page....
ITW: “I call him... Fat Bastard. He’s as annoying as a metric ton of Dawson’s Creek advertisements.”
Head Gremlin: “That’s a lot of Dawson’s ads.”
AOL: “And what useful contribution will this new asset bring to our organization?”
ITW: “He is here for one reason.... to safeguard my Mini-me! ... Mini-me?”
ITW looks around, suddenly looks at Fat Bastard and sees he’s wearing Mini-me’s ad on his shirt as a napkin, and wiping his mouth with it.
ITW: “Mini-me! NOOOOOOO!!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!” *sobs*
AOL: *stands up angrily* “That DOES IT. You people are the most incompetent idiots on the web, and I am the largest entertainment conglomerate EVER! I’m going to find someone new to work with...” *storms out*
ITW: *still sobbing uncontrollably*
Gremlin: *to Head Gremlin* “Is there anyone left to tell us what to do?”
Head Gremlin: *ponders this, then smiles evilly* “No, I think we’re on our own......”
The motel....
Bravenet is cowering in fear and horror, whimpering. Disembodied boots kick him repeatedly, he becomes frozen at random intervals, and chat demons with large trout slap him around repeatedly.
Forgwyn: *shudders* “This disturbs even me. I had no idea anyone would inflict these same punishments on others.... The pain and fear having them reversed on him must be causing can only be immense.”
Drusilla: “Oooh, I like it... can we frame it and hang it on our wall?”
Forg: *frowns* “I’m not sure that it would match our décor...”
Drusilla: *suddenly perks up, listening* “People are coming... they want to play with our toy...” *pouts, then hisses* “The Slayers.... They’re going to break our toy!”
Forg: “Well, I do doubt that... our Lisette has proved most resilient.... and this torment is more than I wish to inflict.... leaving him for the Slayers is a good compromise. Come along dear, let us go find some nice people to eat....”
Drusilla: *smiles eerily, walks out the door Forg is holding open for her, patting the cringing Bravenet on the shoulder* “All done... run along, stay out of trouble....”
Forgwyn waves a hand as he leaves as well, and BN falls to the ground, no longer tormented by Forg’s creations. Lisette walks up to him, and looks him over, concerned....
Lisette: “Are you alright?”
BN: “Who.... who were those...”
Lisette: *grimaces* “Just some people I know... I don’t think we have anything more to worry about....”
Suddenly, a large number of people burst in through every possible door and window to the motel. Included in the crowd are Buffy, Faith, Giles, Riley, Willow, Xander, Sunday, Skye, Alexa, and numerous other characters from the RP list whom Lisette has managed to tick off. They all look at each other, having arrived separately for the same purpose, but decide to shelve their differences in pursuit of that goal.
BN: “Uh... what do we do?”
Lisette: “Run.”
The BCS Board....
MCLVR: “I can’t believe he’s gone.....”
Bos: “And to be buried by so many trout.... it’s a trout conspiracy!”
Lindsers: *sadly* “We’ve got a bigger problem than GA at the moment.... ITW’s never cut the ’69 gremlin loose like that before.”
Hazel: “Whatever they’re trying to keep us occupied for is probably going to happen soon....”
Mitsy: “My money’s on Joss! I know he’s behind this!!!”
Sophie: “It just doesn’t make sense, though. If only we could figure out where Joss is so we could ask him....”
JodithGrace: *looking at the newspaper* “Might this help?”
Jeff: *reads* “Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator Joss Whedon, will be joined at a press conference today by WB president Jamie Kellner and executives of the Fox network....”
Megg: “So that’s everyone we’re after, right? We should go and ask them.....”
Kira: “I don’t know.... it might be a trap...”
Jeff: *keeps reading* “The conference will concern the group N’Sync’s smash hit, ‘Five bye Five’, and feature a live performance of the song, and an appearance by actress Eliza Dushku, who played the character Faith, the subject of the song.”
Sarah Rose: “Now I KNOW it’s a trap.”
Bowen: “All we need now are some monkeys...”
Jeff: “An exhibition of monkeys from the Los Angeles Zoo will also be on display.”
Everyone stares at him in disbelief.
Jeff: “Just kidding!”
Mitsy: “What are we waiting for? N’Sync is there!!!”
Da Wonder Sheep: “I don’t think we have any choice....”
MCLVR: “We have to get to the bottom of this.... for GA.”
Linders: “Okay, let’s go. But everyone BE CAREFUL....”
A couple miles outside the motel....
Bravenet and Lisette slump down to the ground, tired and beat up, after barely eluding their pursuers.
Bravenet: “You sure know how to make friends.”
Lisette: “Hey, you do what you’re good at....”
Suddenly, a lone figure in a leather jacket and wearing eyeglasses walks up with a slight limp. BN slowly gets to his feet to meet him.
BN: “I don’t know who you are, but I am the coolest chat on the internet!”
Wesley: “So I’ve heard. Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, rogue demon hunter.”
Lisette: *bursts out laughing* “Wesley, dear, can’t you get enough of me?”
Wesley: “I have enlisted the most feared force in the world to defeat you both.”
Bravenet: “Oh boy, magic? Like you have anything on that last vampire....”
Wesley: “Nothing so flashy. Let me just say now...” *raises his voice so everyone around can hear* “That is anyone should happen to come along and beat the two of you senseless, I should be most grateful. I might even be inclined to take my shirt off.”
Bravenet and Lisette stare at him for a moment, incredulous. Then both break down in tears, laughing.
Lisette: “Oh god.... Wesley, that’s simply precious.... I might just chain you to the wall for another couple of months before I kill you, just for that.....”
Bravenet: *hears something* “Uh, Lis.... what’s that noise?”
In the distance, the three of them her an approaching roar. As it gets closer, they realize it’s a chant....
Crowd: “MORE! NAKED! WESLEY!!!!!”
Bravenet: “Oh dear god....”
Lisette: “What is it?”
Bravenet: “The Society for More
Naked Wesley! RUN!!!!!”
As Lis and Bravenet break into a run, a crowd consisting of MNW co-founders
Berry and Miesl-Dru, and Sexretary Heather, along with SocKs, Chloe, Toby, Alex
(marching in the hopes that Naked Wesley leads to Naked Women), Lydia, and
Delirium charges after them in a frenzy at Wesley’s promise.
Wesley: *smiles* “That shall teach YOU to deal with a Rogue Demon Hunter...” *adjusts glasses and walks away*
The board, as the boarders prepare to leave....
Saria Angel: “Something doesn’t seem right here...”
Silver: “I know what you mean.... Fox, the WB, Joss, they all have something to lose if the show gets really bad ratings....”
Bracken: “I know.... but we know they work for Fox, at least at some point. And whomever it is knows Eliza, if she’s agreed to participate in this press conference to distract us all....”
Mitsy: “Wasn’t Eliza in that movie... what’s it called....?”
Saria: “Oh god.... it must be him...”
Silver: “Hey... you’re right....”
Bracky: “Maybe we should go look into this....”
Mitsy: “Good luck!”
Saria: “Aren’t you coming?”
Mitsy: “And miss N’Sync? No way!”
In a back room.....
VampyrSlayer is looking through GA’s bag....
VS: “Why were you stealing gremlin food, GA? What did you know that we didn’t?” *suddenly she finds something that isn’t gremlin food* “Gold paint? And a little wood pedestal? Oh boy.... BOS! Buh buh Raven! I’m going to need your help.....”
An ornate office....
Saria Angel, Silver, and Bracken walk nervously into the cavernous office, looking at various things on display on the walls. A full scale robot with red eyes, marked “The Terminators: Written and Directed BY ME! (Never mind that lawsuit that said I stole the plot from someone.)” A full-sized model Alien, marked “From the Movie Aliens, Written and Directed BY ME!” A framed picture of Arnold and Eliza Dushku, with a caption “True Lies: Written, Directed, AND PRODUCED BY ME!” The model ship “THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! ALL BY ME!!!!” And finally, a life-sized cut out of Jessica Alba. “My Dark Angel....”
Suddenly, the three of them hear laughter, and look up to the massively large desk, where a figure is seated with his back to them....
Mystery Villian: “I knew you people would find me eventually.... I expected more of you though....”
Silver: “But why? Why do you want to keep people from watching Buffy by distracting the show’s most loyal fans?”
MV: “YOU ask ME WHY? You could be watching television... the greatest television ever.... a show... BY ME! AND instead.... you watch.... Buffy... and Angel! Your show even stole my show’s name and timeslot!”
Saria: “Uh... actually, ours had the name and time slot first.”
Bracky: “And maybe we’d watch your show... if it didn’t suck.”
MV: *jumps up angrily on his desk* “You DARE defy me?” *throws his arms out to both sides* “I am the greatest director of all time! I am the KING of the WORLD! BOW DOWN BEFORE THE MIGHT.... of James Cameron!!!!!!”
To Be Continued......
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Next: The Final Battle....
Contest Results:
Saria Angel was the first to guess at 23:53, January 15th, board time. Congrats Saria!!!
While Mitsy was putting her money on Joss at 11:30, she came out in favor of James Cameron at 00:27, but presumably would rather be chasing N’Sync than James. :)
Bracky concurred at 00:36.
Silver also reached the conclusion that it was Cameron at 02:56.
Honorable mentions go to Kira and DWS for guessing Jessica Alba, which was close if not correct.
Thanks to everyone who participated! Hope you’ve enjoyed the fic so far, and the upcoming ending!
Back to GA's boardfic page.