On February 7^th, 2001, the BCS board was deluged with a massive discussion of the ethics and legality of killing vampires. That discussion inspired this fic, with a premise taken from the greatest cross-over eppy ever, "X-Cops" on the X-Files. It was made especially timely by that week’s running of the new Angel episode “The Thin Dead Line”, in which Wesley is shot by zombie cops, as he, Cordy, and Gunn try to run their detective agency after Angel fired them, and it is set before that episode. This fic is dedicated to Vampyr Slayer, Anthony, Leora, Jo-Rus, Bos, Kerri, Scott, and everyone else in that thread....

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters or shows referenced herein.

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The following program is a special presentation of Green Armadillo Fanfic Productions. Viewer discretion is advised.

*music* BAD BOYS! What ya gonna do... whatcha gonna do when they're coming for you.....

*assorted city shots from LA that they use in scene changes on Angel flash up, along with LAPD officers arresting people*

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they're coming for you....

COPS is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspect demons, vamps, Slayers, etc are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law....

Caption: “Los Angeles, California”

*a patrol car is driving in downtown LA*

Caption: "LAPD, Detective Kate Lockley"

Kate: "I can't believe they stuck me with this *bleeping* camera crew...."

Interviewer: "Tell us about your work, Detective."

Kate: "Police work really isn't something we do for show. There are real problems in this city, more than most of you are prepared to understand."

Interviewer: "So we've heard. You've developed a sort of a reputation as the "Scully" of the LAPD...."

Kate: "Scully's the skeptic. *sighs* It isn't that hard to keep them straight..."

Interviewer: "But Scully's the girl, right?"

Kate: *stops the car by the curve, on a downtown street, people walking past, store fronts, etc* "I'm here to protect the innocent. Nothing more, nothing less. These people *gesturing to the few people wandering around late at night* need someone to watch over them, and we sure aren't talking about some guardian angel...."

*camera man focuses out on the street at a couple walking. The guy is a platinum blonde, with a leather coat, smoking a cigarette. The girl is massively over-accessorized, over-crimped blonde with long hair, jumping up and down excited while the guy rolls his eyes*

Harmony: "Isn't this great? The big city! It's like Paris!"

Spike: "Paris is on the other side of the Pond, you nitwit." *shakes his head in frustration*

Kate: "Who's going to protect them, if the LAPD isn't prepared to deal with any possibilities..."

*Spike and Harmony are passing a dark haired girl in a tight fitting outfit, when suddenly she whips around, reaching into her backpack, and pulls out a stake, plunging it into Harmony's chest*

Harmony: "Spikey...." *explodes into dust*

Spike: *jumps back in shock* "BLOODY HELL!"

Kate: *covers face with hands for a moment* "Not *bleeping* vampires... not on live national television...."

Interviewer: "We're not live. You can't say *BLEEP* on live television...."

Kate: "Shut up. *gets out of car, draws gun, points it at the girl who did the staking* LAPD! FREEZE!"

Girl: *turns around, sees Kate. Her face is pixellized out. She turns around and bolts*

Kate: "*BLEEP*!" *takes off after her, knocking Spike over in the process*

Spike: "Hey, watch it you bloody pillocks!"

Camera Man: "Can they say 'pillocks' on national television?"

Interviewer: "I don't see why not. Not like our audience speaks British. After them!" *The interviewer takes off after Kate, the cameraman following behind, camera shaking*

Kate stops short at the entrance to an alleyway. As the cameraman catches up, the fleeing girl is seen scaling a fire escape with remarkable speed and agility. The bottom of the escape is still a good 10+ feet off the ground, meaning that the girl had to have jumped to reach it. Kate looks at it for a second, and then takes off around the buildings. The camera follows, as she kicks in he side door, covering the entryway with her gun, and scrambles up the dirty stairs. Finally they come out on the rooftop, right in front of the girl....

Kate: *Points gun in girl's face* "You're under arrest!"

Girl: *stops, shrugs, says casually* "You got guts, girl, gotta hand it to you. Didn't think the ole' LAPD was 5 by 5 like you...."

Kate: "FAITH?!"

caption: "Faith, Vampire Slayer", her face depixilates"

Faith: "Glad to see you too."

Kate: "There's no POSSIBLE way you can be out right now. You confessed to murder! That carries a 10 year minimum sentence!"

Faith: *shrugs* "Hey, it's sweeps month, we need the ratings."

Kate: *mutters* "This is the problem with our justice system today... it's all a revolving door....."

Faith: "Look, I dusted a vampire, I did ya a favor. Not like there are laws against that...."

Kate: "Yeah? Well how about carrying a concealed weapon?" *snatches Faith's bag, starts pulling stuff out of it, produces cross and holy water*

Faith: "What can I say, I've taken up missionary work. Gotta bless those babies and all...."

Kate: *grimaces, reaches into the bag, pulls out a stake*

Faith: "I'm building a really short fence...."

Kate: *reaches in, pulls out a crossbow*

Faith: "That's just a model...."

Kate: *points the crossbow at the door, fires a bolt which embeds itself several inches into the wood. The interviewer was standing nearby and faints in shock*

Faith: "A very good working model." *with a smile*

Kate: "Oh I give up..." *pulls out a notepad, writes something down on it, hands it to Faith*

Faith: "LITTERING?!"

Kate: "City's going to have to clean up that pile of dust you left on the street...."

Spike: *stepping out of the shadows* "A bloody ticket?! Is this all your system of justice can do for us? My date was just KILLED! Not that I miss her or anything...."

Kate: "I'm sorry, but we can't charge her with murder if her victim was already dead...."

Spike: "Then who CAN help me?!"

*a figure steps out of the shadows*

Man: "We can..."

Caption: "Lindsay McDonald, Wolfram & Hart"

Faith: "Wolfram & Hart? You've got to be kidding me. You guys hired me to kill Angel!"

Lindsay: "Nonsense. Our firm would never engage in such actions...."

Spike: "Wolfram and Hart? The evil mega-law firm? Why didn't I think of that? What are you going to do, ruin her credit rating? Frame her for some crime?"

Lindsay: "Actually, we are offering you our services in to you for a civil suit...."

Kate: "Personal injury? But no one was hurt. No one living anyway. What are you going to sue her for?"

Lindsay: "Well, it doesn't mean anything to threaten to kill someone who's already dead, so assault and battery are both out. However, we're confident that our client, Mr. William the Bloody, can recover a substantial settlement from this so-called Slayer and more importantly that British Watcher's Group that trained her."

Faith: "How are you going to pull that off?"

Lindsay: "Intentional infliction of emotional distress. Spike may be dead, but he still has feelings, which you hurt when you staked his girlfriend...."

Spike: "Alright! Not only am I rid of that wanker, I'm going to get paid for it too! And bankrupt the Slayer! It's too rich! *pauses a moment* But she was NOT my girlfriend."

Lindsay: "Uh... Spike... it would help if you showed some signs of distress.... acted upset... distressed?"

Spike: "Wait, I've got to miss her? Sod off! I'll get this chip out and eat the Slayer and her crack team myself...." *walks off*

Faith: *walks up to Lindsay, smiling* "Well, nice try. Maybe I'll get you some neckwear like I got for your coworker..." *walks off, as Lindsay shudders, remembering how she put the other lawyer in a neck brace...*

Kate: *shakes head, walks past camera man muttering* "Just another day on the job...."

AFTER THE BREAK, ON COPS:

Kate: *looks out the window of the car* "HEY! THOSE GUYS ARE DUMPING A BODY!" *pulls out a gun and gets out, running up to them* "LAPD!

FREEZE.... oh no, not you people again...."

Caption "Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, Rogue Demon Hunter"

Wesley: "Detective Lockley.... we encountered this demon...."

Kate: "Don't you people know there are laws against dumping bodies?"

Caption: "Charles Gunn and Cordelia Chase, Angel Investigations"

Cordy: "Hey, did YOU want to be cleaning up this mess?"

Gunn: "And what exactly do the laws say about Demon bodies?"

Wesley: "He does have a point...."

Cordy: *realizes they’re on TV, jumps up and down and shouts* “HEY! We’re Angel Investigations! We help the helpless! Contact us... well we don’t have a phone yet but come visit!”

Gunn: *covers face in embarrassment* “I don’t know these people....”

Kate: *frowns darkly* "I swear, one of these days you people are going to get shot...."

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