I�ll take your hand
But he did not come. Throughout the whole evening I watched the Gryffindor table, hoping that he would come. But he didn�t. I guess he felt too sad and distressed to attend the festivities. Next to me, I saw Albus grew more and more quiet. He looked tired. The deep circles under his eyes told me that he had not had much sleep in the past weeks. The twinkle had gone from his eyes and he watched the students in front of us with a sad, serious expression.
Finally the end of the feast came and we watched the students return to their dormitories. Maybe it was because I was still not completely recovered that I was so over emotional, but when I watched them leave I felt tears come to my eyes. They were so young, so innocent. Some of them were only eleven. What would happen to them? How would they come through this war?
After all the students had left Albus rose. He did not speak a word when he left, he only squeezed my shoulder softly when he brushed passed me.
After him, I too left. I went to the Gryffindor Common Room, making sure that everyone was in. On my way back I met Hermione, she had just done her prefect duties. �Where�s Harry?� I asked her.
�Ron said he had already gone to bed�, she answered. �He didn�t want to come to the end of year feast�.
I nodded. �Understandable�.
�Professor�... she said hesitantly, �he... he will alright, really. He just needs time�.
I smiled. �I know Hermione, I know�.
�Have a nice summer, Professor�, she said, walking passed me.
When I continued through the hall, I thought of her words. �He just needs time�. But how much time was there, before another dreadful thing happened?
I shook my head angrily. Albus� bad mood was beginning to rub off on me.
I decided to check on him. When I entered his office he was sitting in a large armchair near the fire. He seemed to be spending an awful lot of time in that armchair lately, another bad sign. When I came closer I noticed the traces of moisture on his cheeks and I realised he had been crying.
I rushed over to him immediately and dropped on my knees, next to his chair. �Albus, what�s the matter?�
He looked at me as if he was pulling his gaze away from a far distance. �I�ve just talked to Sir Nicolas�, he began after a moment. His voice was hoarse and full of sorrow. �Harry has talked to him tonight... he wanted to know... he wanted to know if Sirius could come back as a ghost�.
�Oh�, I whispered softly. I could have seen that one coming. I was glad Sirius had not returned as a ghost. Ghosts lead a half life, a haunted life. I wanted to spare Sirius and Harry that. But I could understand his disappointment.
�I could have prevented this, Minerva�, Albus said angrily and I realised this anger was directed to himself. �If I had made different choices...� Another tear rolled down over his cheek.
I got up and sat down on the armrest of his chair. �Shh...�, I whispered softly, �it�s not your fault�. I wrapped my arms around him and he buried his face in the curve of my neck, his own arms slipping around my waist.
�It was not your fault Albus�, I carried on whispering, �Sirius made his own choices, you are not to blame for this�. In response he only wrapped his arms tighter around me. To see him so heartbroken broke my own heart. I loved this man so much. For many years we were close, working together side by side, dealing with whatever life threw at us. But I had never seen him this upset or this grieved.
My own tears began to fall as well. I stroked his hair gently as we both cried, holding on to each other.
A long time later, he pulled away. �Thank you�, he said softly.
�You�re welcome�, I replied, brushing a few remaining tears from his face.
He mirrored my actions and I tried not to shiver as his thumb moved over my cheek. �Now I�ve got you started too�, he whispered.
�That�s alright�. I caught his hand in mine. �Albus, he just needs time. Harry has trusted and respected you since the first time he heard of you. He will not give that up easily�.
He nodded slowly. �I hope so. I hope he can understand. Why he has to return to the Dursley family for example�.
�Petunia Evans will keep him safe�, I said convincingly.
�With healthy disinclination, she will�, Albus retorted.
A thought entered my mind. �You know what you should do? You should ask some members of the Order to talk to them tomorrow, before they take Harry with them. �I m sure Mad- Eye can scare them into being civil to him during the holidays�.
His face lightened slightly. �That�s an idea�, he said thoughtful. �And I�m sure Remus and Nymphodora will be most willingly to assist�.
I slide of the armrest and looked around for my walking stick. I hated needing that thing.
�Here it is�, Albus said, pulling it from under his chair. He grasped my hand and squeezed it gently. �Thank you, Minerva�, he said smiling softly. A sincere smile this time.
�You�re welcome�, I answered again.
When I had left the office I hoped that he could finally put his depressed feelings aside.
****
I was wrong.
One week later he was as depressed as before. The circumstances did not help for that matter. We received owls from the parents of students, claiming that Professor Umbridge had used violence against students. Although I couldn�t say I was surprised, I was shocked nevertheless.
Dolores Umbridge had used a Paincil on students, a quill that made them write lines in their own blood. I was repulsed beyond words. Paincils were banned from Hogwarts a century ago. They were even forbidden when I was at Hogwarts. And at that time corporal punishment was very common. Or so I�ve been told.
It didn�t long to find out that Harry too had suffered from it. From all the students he had received the most detentions during the past year. I wondered why he had not come to see me. Or why Hermione had not told me for that matter.
Albus was furious. He cares about all his students and he cannot bear to see one of them getting hurt. I remember that time in his office, when Marietta Edgecombe had sold Dumbledore�s Army out. He had been composed the entire time, until Dolores started to shake Marietta.
After we had reassured all the parents that their children would not suffer from the effect of the Paincil and that Dolores Umbridge would have to answer for her actions, Albus was as down as before.
I tried everything. I explained to him that he could not have known that, that the students would have come to us if it had got too much out of hand. I tried telling him that the fact that Harry was the gang leader of Dumbledore�s Army meant that he still trusted him, I talked to him for what it seemed hours but I didn�t get though him.
He spend hours in front of the fire, staring and worrying. Maybe it was the fact that Harry wasn�t around, maybe because he could not completely ensure his safety when he was at Little Surrey, as the events of the previous year had proved, but his feelings of guilt returned, depressing him more then ever.
Four weeks passed and the whole situation was beginning to take it�s toll from me. I couldn�t bear to see Albus like that. Following his example, I too spend nights tossing and turning, worrying about both Albus and Harry. Eventually I talked to Poppy.
I went to see her, because I still needed medical check-ups, much to my dismay. Although this session went very well. I was finally allowed to stop using the wretched thing.
�You are worried about Albus, aren�t you?� she asked while putting her instruments away.
I nodded. �He is taking it so hard�, I told her, �and no matter what I say, he still cannot believe that he is not to blame for what happened�.
Poppy felt silent for a moment. Eventually she said, �since Harry is the one that made him believe it was his fault, the only person who can make him think differently is Harry�.
I thought about that for the rest of the afternoon. And by the end of the day, I had made my decision.
Paincil is the word I invented for that quill Umbridge used. I�ve also used it in �Harry Potter and the Tales of the Rememirror�.
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