| Gee, the funny thing is that when you have your freedom, when you've finally stopped crying over "the EX," you come to realize what a shitty place the world has become. You can go out with who you want, where you want, when you want- but can't do what you want, because generally, today's single man has one thing and one thing only on his mind. And won't, unlike "the EX," won't take "NO" for an answer. (It's like being alone on a boat with Freddy Kruger and not knowing how to swim- there's not a lot you can do to argue your point!) In my opinion, today's perfect gentleman just isn't as perfect as yesterday's. Take, for example, the classic Good-Night-Kiss, at the end of a First Date. After fighting off his Not-So-Subtle-Advances all evening, the polite and social thing to do nowadays is to ask him in for a coffee. So, in he comes. He's nice enough looking, and as you mindlessly chat, an absurd thought enters your mind. "Gee, maybe I'd like to kiss him"- which soon dissipates into "My god, I'll bet I'd have more fun doing this with my goldfish." He feels he has to hold you at a suffocating "you're-invading-my-personal-space" distance, i.e.- you now can feel every nook, cranny, and protruding emotion in this obviously sexually frustrated "perfect gentleman" (Keep in mind, folks, that this is a first date, and the status of the relationship is as yet undefined). Then comes the Mouth. First, it's slightly open. Very sexy, very acceptable. But once he's realized you're enjoying this, the said Mouth becomes a huge gaping hole, which, with your lips slightly parted, the edges thereof are nowhere to be found. Just a huge, probing, stale-tasting tongue forcing it's way into your mouth. So what do you do? You turn your head, of course. But said Mouth follows. "Sorry bud, I'm pullin' out." You try to pull away, but those huge, calloused hands are holding you tight by the bum, forcing you up against every nook, cranny, and protruding emotion of this almost-stranger. You give up, figuring with no response from you, he'll tire out. No such luck! Said Tongue shoots back into your mouth. As a last resort, you bite down hard on his tongue. "You, my dear, are a tease." Hmm. You think to yourself, "No, I'm not. I really do have a deep-rooted desire to end this grope-a-thon. The sooner the better!" Just when you think you may throw up on his tongue, out it slips. He peels his body off of yours and says in a deep, throaty voice, "I think I'd better go." Phew, it's over. Oops, wait girls, not so fast. Walk him to the door, and he wants another kiss. So, you humour him, just to get him out of your hair. Oh-oh. Here comes the boob-crushing grope hold. This time you reach back and remove his hands from your behind. (We wouldn't want handprints now, would we?) But the tongue and other probing instruments are still ready for action. Thinking fast, you reach behind him and fling open the door. Pushing your body hard into his (is there some truth to his accusation? You know, the one about you teasing?), you propel him toward the door as you yank away with all your might. Of course, once he's outside, said Mouth will poke through the door for yet another kiss. With one hand on his chest and one on the door frame for support, you can now shut the door. All in all it wasn't so bad- but don't forget to yell "thanks" as you push him out- it's all the thanks he's going to get!
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