onfic

       I haven't actually been reading discipline fiction for that long (a year and a half?), but I've been writing it since I was 12 or 13. Of course, then I didn't know it had a name or that anyone else was crazy like me. it was nice, having thought I was the only one, to wander through the internet one day and find out I was just flattering myself. that there are people all over who like what I like, who feel what I feel, and who do what I do.

        it's nice not to feel quite so crazy. :-)

        I write discipline fiction for a million reasons. first, because I am a spanko -- a word I don't hear too often in m/m fiction. I like the idea of spankings. I like the thought of letting go, not worrying so much, not feeling like such a threat to myself all the time. I like that, in fiction, people can be whoever we want them to be, they can do whatever (or whomever >:)) we want them to do. and I like to use fiction as a means of dreaming about the things I want to happen to me.

        I crave structure that I cannot seem to give myself. I crave being told, "no" and being expected to listen. I crave knowing where the boundaries are and what will happen if they're not adhered to. I want to be loved, looked after and sent early to bed.

        and so, I write these stories.

        some writers, I've noticed, really like the realism you can bring to fiction. taking a story and making it as truthful and as accurate a portrayal of real life as possible. I appreciate that kind of writing. I love it because the world needs art like that. art that reflects who we are and what we truly need from one another. but I don't write that kind of fiction.

        some writers are detailed in their descriptions, stoic and even-keeled. which we need as a genre, to balance out the silliness of the rest of us. but I don't really write that kind of fiction either, though sometimes I wish I could. or would. or whatever I mean. but I don't.

        the fiction I write is wrought with the silly things I want to hear myself someday. the terms of endearment, the stern, "get over here right nows" and the steady breathing in bed at night. I hope I keep details short and sweet because I'd like to think that other people's imaginations will enter in and be engaged. I love that feeling, myself. I hope I'm not too realtistic either, because I want it to be fun. nice fun. calm, structured fun. with very clear boundaries!

        Ironically enough, this genre is almost entirely made up of women and it bothers some people when male characters get "turned into" women. when our male characters too closely mirror ourselves. this bothers me, too, when it's taken too far. it can squick a person pretty good when the words, "sweet, darling, lover, beautiful, prince, mushy, gooshy, slop, slop, goo..." get taken overboard. and when the socks come out. or, so I've heard.

        but, on the other hand, I don't mind male characters I can relate to, as a woman. even if that means having some... feminine characteristics. maybe they cry too much. maybe they eat too much chocolate. or maybe, instead of women, they're accused of being too childlike, too unbelievably four-years-old. but those are the characters I like to read and they're the ones I hope to write. characters who are a reflection of me, who cry when I wish I could and who over-sulk because I do it on a regular basis, even with no one to cater to my whining.

        I write because I need an outlet. because therapy is too expensive. :) because I love it and because, when the inspiration hits, it's all I can do to type fast enough. I don't know that I could stop doing this if I wanted to.

        so, my characters may be too much like me. they may be too feminine or too four years old; they may be too fantastical. it's hard for me to tell, really, because they're all me. and I kind of like them the way they are.

        in the end, I try to write them as realistically as I can while still staying true to what I enjoy reading. because, when it comes down to it, I do write for me. I'm too terrible at sending feedback to other people to expect any in return, so I can't write for that. and I still fight with myself not to hide in the closet whenever anyone does send feedback. i'm self conscious, have an inferiority complex and I am, sometimes, too honest with people I don't know very well.

        like right now.

        so, I write. and I knit and watch movies and read and then I write some more. I guess I just can't not.

                                                                                    - g.

on writing discipline fiction...