Strange as it may seem, my life has always revolved around books. Not only because I love reading, but because books have always marked different milestones in my life. But let me start from the beginning.
I was born in a Catholic family in Poland, a country where Catholicism is the national religion. I don�t know the exact statistics, but I believe about 90 per cent of population of Poland is Catholic. I, myself, know only four people of different faith, and they are Jehovah�s Witnesses. So all the people I�ve known my whole life are Christians. As a child I went to church every Sunday. I never liked it, sometimes I was really angry about it, but there was nothing I could do. I remember my mom threatening me that she would tell the priest I was a bad girl. Of course I didn�t want that, so I kept doing what my parents wanted me to do.
For many years I didn�t think about my attitude to the Church. Children usually don�t examine their motives for liking or disliking something. But as I grew older I started to wonder, what on Earth was wrong with me? Why was I getting so furious about the things told by the priests or by the people who always know best? As for the teachings of the Church I disagreed with most of them. I didn�t think gay people were perverts, sex without marriage was evil, and using contraceptives was a sin. But most of all I resented the arrogance, the conviction that the Catholic faith was the one and only right religion and all others were false. I began to rebel. Still, I didn�t stop going to church. After all, I did believe in God in my own way, I just didn�t know of any alternative faith.
About this time, I might have been fifteen then, I started reading books by a Norwegian author Margit Sandemo. Her books maybe will never get a Nobel Prize, but they were extremely interesting for someone like me. Telling stories of witches, demons, monsters, the spirits of the ancestors and even Lucifer himself. These books were the first that dared to question the Christian religion. Many times they showed the injustice and cruelty of the Church, the Burning Times in the first place. After reading these books I saw the whole world differently. I realized that my dislike of the Church was by all means valid. But, unfortunately, it didn�t make my confusion about religion smaller.
Soon after that I took interest in the books written by a Polish author, Andrzej Sapkowski. He is a fantasy writer and a great personality. His novels, which action takes place in a fantasy land were also full of fantastical creatures, but besides that they contained much wisdom. Through the imaginary world, he showed the problems and concerns of our own world. Issues like intolerance (�Elves to reservations� � a graffiti on the city wall), wars and religious fanatics. But in spite of this sad picture of the world there were still places where Nature is sacred and respected, and people who live there are kind and tolerant. This is the temple of the goddess Melitele, Brokilon, the sacred forest of the dryads, and the druid groves. Thanks to these books I realized how Nature is being destroyed by people who think they own It. This happens because men have lost contact with Nature and want to be the masters. After all, isn�t it said in the Bible that people should make the land their servant?
But I have one more thing to be grateful for. It was in Sapkowski�s book that I first read of Wicca. It was described as a nature religion worshipping the Great Mother Goddess. I liked the sound of that from the very beginning, but I thought it was some kind of an elitist religion, not for ordinary people like me.
The next book that had great influence on me was �The Clan of the Cave Bear� by Jean M. Auel and the rest of the series. While reading the books I was deeply frustrated. I wanted so much to live in those times and worship the Goddess! The whole religion, as it was described, made so much sense to me. It was so natural, beautiful and true.
It was about two years ago. The books inspired me to find more information about Wicca. I started searching the Internet and I was astonished at the number of sites and multitude information I found. First of all, I learnt that besides Wicca there are many other religions, more or less similar. I discovered that there was something like Neo - paganism. Before that I always thought that Paganism was the religion that disappeared when the Christianity came. I was very much confused, not sure whether Paganism was appropriate for me. I decided to learn more and wait.
Last Summer I went to England for two months. I was very excited and enjoyed my freedom. Almost the first thing I did after arriving was, of course, visiting a bookstore. And there I found dozens books about Wicca and Paganism in general. I bought two of them: �True Magick� by Amber K and �Paganism� by Vivianne Crowley. I learnt much from these books. I realized more and more that this religion was right for me. For two months I didn�t go to church and felt OK with that. I didn�t need Christianity anymore. I found a good alternative. What is most important is that I found out that I could practice Paganism on my own, I didn�t need to join any group to do it. When I returned home, I was almost certain about my Path.
Back in Poland I went on a search to bookstores and found out that even here there are books about Wicca and Paganism. I started buying them, they are an invaluable source of knowledge, but the era of revelations has ended, at least for some time. I've made my decision. When I finally realized that I was Pagan all the time, a great sense of calmness came over me. I felt all doubts go away, everything was so simple and so natural. I also found great friends through the Internet, people from Poland and from other countries, who went through similar things and understand me. We learn from each other and support each other in hard times.
I�m finally at peace with myself. I�ve never been happier in my life. My being Pagan changed my perspective on many things and I owe it to many people and many books . I wish all seekers to find their way home. It took me seven years, but I have found it.
Blessed Be,
Emaleth
