(told by Andy Thompson and Ian Drong, transcribed by Jeff Blackman)
Act I: Prelude to Fury
It was a night like any other in Ottawa. It was Nana�s birthday, so a night of drinking and debauchery was obviously necessary. It all began the usual way - pre-drinking in residence wet their appetites for an evening of adventure (and boobs). When the group arrived at the Market, the girls went for drinks at the Brig, while the guys went for chicks at Bare-Fax.
When they first arrived at the rippers, seating was poor at best. But then, like Moses parting the Sea of Reeds, perverts� row opened for the Grenvillains. Ian, a virgin to the Ottawa strip-scene, did his first fiver on stage; much to the cheers and applause of his comrades. Their pulses raised to a paramount as three bi-curious dancers formed a triangle of sloppy mouth sex. The boys had their fill, and ventured off to rejoin the birthday girl.
Alcohol began to take its toll on them. One pitcher of beer too many sent the boys into a drunken stupor and an extremely vocal argument with a pack of Senators� fans. This raging, yet very much justified, argument lead to their sudden and undesired ejection from the Brig.
Now, the boys were hungry. Hungry for food ... and adventure.
Act II: The Battle of Rideau Street
The line at McDonald�s was long and dense, wrought with drunkards, recently released upon our nation�s capital after last call. The boys waited in line for upwards of twenty minutes. When finally within sight of the counter, with a fist full of dollars and domestic beer on his breath, a very loud Andy anxiously tore napkins in his pocket. At that moment, only one order away from reheated hamburgers, the hired goons of McDonald�s approached Andy with a stern look in their eyes.
While waiting in line earlier, the boys had received a previous warning to simmer down. This, however, was no warning. The security demanded that Andy leave the premises immediately. In an irate yet civil demeanor, Andy protested this injustice, claiming he was only one minute away from food and would then mozy on out of there. But his plea was in vain.
�I can�t believe this!� Andy bellowed, and that moment tossed a cloud of torn napkin at the ground. This was promptly followed by two of the security guards grabbing Andy and forcibly moving him towards the exit.
However.
During his non-consensual departure of the premises, Andy thrust his hand back into the depths of his pocket and let loose another barrage of napkin rippings. Ian did not take kindly to the situation. He stepped up to defend his accosted comrade, and peacefully spoke out against this grave injustice. �Hey � let him go!� he cried. The goons response was merely barbarism. Just as Andy was tossed to the curb, the same treatment was given to the gallant Ian.
The two boys vented their rage through vuglar slurs and political diatrabes. Screams of �You�re a fucking Nazi,� �McDonald�s are Nazis,� and �Your Fajitas suck� rang out into the early morning skies. Suddenly Andy had an epiphany and began to adjust his pants. He approached the storefront window and prepared to give the goons the old pressed hams. But common sense prevailed and Andy stepped back, with pants still in tact. The boys began to walk away, yet the worst was yet to come.
Two security guards came barrelling out of McDonalds, in pursuit of the exiled two, Andy and Ian. The boys tried to flee, but alas, their alcohol soaked bodies could not escape their fate. The tyrants laid the beat down. When asked now, Andy can only remember hitting the ground and being cuffed to his partner in peace. �I�m being assaulted, I�m being assaulted!� he cried out. Their plight soon drew the attention of many in the market. Among the growing crowd, was a very vocal and sympathetic Afro-Canadian. With images of Rodney King swirling in his mind, he cried out in the defence of the two boys, now laying bruised and beaten on the cold sidewalk, beneath the knees of two despots.
When the police finally arrived, the boys were liberated. With the advice to �stay away from McDonald�s for the night� in their minds and wounds of battle on their bodies, they headed back to the sanctuary of First Grenville.
Act III: Prelude to Revolution
The story spread like wildfire. The boys return home was loud and vociferous. They told of their oppression and began stirring nationalistic fervour on the floor. Calls of revolution began to echo throughout the halls. A rousing rendition of �O Canada� spontaneously erupted like Pompeii. Ian and Andy were joined by fellow revolutionaries who sung songs of freedom (all they ever had) and discussed their future actions against McFascism.
Andy�s rants of his torture at the hands of the McShock Troopers brought one Nate Prier to voice his anger. If Andy and Ian were the martyrs of battle, then Nate was surely the Pen of the Revolution. Their rage and fury was put into words and became the infamous document: To Those Who Oppose Andy.
After a long night, ranging from hot-lesbo-action to a revolutionary call to arms, the boys were tuckered out and hit their respective sacks.
The end.