Home of Greg Sanders Slash Fiction
AUTHOR: Nicole
EMAIL: [email protected]
FANDOM: CSI
PAIRING: Nick/Greg
CATEGORIES: Nick and Greg angst
RATING: PG-13 [for now]
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything affiliated with CSI or CBS
SUMMARY: Watching someone he loved waste away to a nothingness was the hardest thing Nick has ever done
WARNINGS: Possible spoilers [but really, who hasn't seen all the episodes for which there might be spoilers?]
NOTES: I have to thank my ninth grade science teacher, Mr. Sherman, for being such a fighter against his own encounter with cancer and providing inspiration for this story. I wish him the best of luck in the few years he has left and I hope he lives life to the fullest.
This is my first slash fic, so please forgive me if this is terribly horrible.
- - - - - -
Staying awake to chase a dream
Tasting the air you're breathing in
I know I won't forget a thing.
Promise to hold you close and pray
Watching the fantasies decay
Nothing will ever be the same.
- Muse, Falling Away From You
- - - - - -
When Nick came home early from work to check on Greg - - who had been home sick while Nick pulled a double - - he found Greg sitting at the kitchen table drinking a steaming hot cup of Chai tea. But Greg never drank tea unless something was wrong.
Then Nick saw the huge bruise on Greg's bare torso from when he tried flipping over the back of their couch the other day. It was uglier than when he last saw it - - blacker and bluer, covering Greg's entire right side of his body.
But when Nick saw a pile of pamphlets laid out at his spot on the table, Nick knew Greg's doctor didn't give Greg any good news. Because the two had looked up all the worse possibilities on the web based off of Greg's symptoms and they just hoped that they had been wrong when they made the appointment with doctor at the hospital.
Greg was crying before Nick could scoop his lover up into a hug. Greg buried his face into the space between Nick's neck and shoulder like he always did and after a few seconds, Nick could feel his shirt getting wet. Nick rubbed Greg's back as he sobbed and fingered Greg's scars from the explosion ever so lightly.
"We'll get through this together," Nick whispered and could feel tears of his own sliding down his cheeks. He ran a hand through Greg's spiked mess of hair. "It'll be okay Greg. I promise."
- - -
Greg couldn't keep his composure long enough to tell nightshift that he was going in for chemotherapy treatment. Nick had to explain to nightshift that for the next six weeks, Greg would be into work sporadically and when he could - - it was really going to depend on how much of an affect the treatment took on his body.
Grissom asked the detailed and more personal questions in his office later, while he filled out a Leave of Absence form for Greg and Nick. Nick had told Grissom that I would be taking care of Greg.
"It's acute lymphocytic leukemia." And Nick had to answer all of the questions because Greg couldn't get his mouth to work.
Grissom studied their intertwined hands but only asked about the cancer. "Where are the tumors?"
"Same place as last time - - along his spine."
Greg had had the same cancer when he was fourteen and had received a very rare, new, experimental treatment and surgery and when he was in remission just weeks later, the doctors thought it had done the trick. But fifteen years later, Greg was a plethora of symptoms and both men knew that maybe the surgery had only bought Greg time and
not a permanent solution.
And when Nick and Grissom were working on a case together early on in Nick's CSI career - - and just a couple of days after Greg had been hired - - and the victim had cancer, Greg had told the two about his own close encounter with the deadly disease.
Gil knew enough about Greg's first case that he didn't ask any more questions.
Nick stayed with Greg in his lab all day since it was his last day, instead of going out in the field to work a case with Warrick. And Nick didn't care anymore if people saw his and Greg's public displays of affection so thanks to Catherine who caught the tail end of a particularly romantic kiss - - which had involved a war for each other's tonsils - - and Hodges who spied on the couple all of shift, the entire lab knew by the end of shift that good ol' Texas boy scout Nicky Stokes and the crazed lab tech Greg Sanders were indeed a couple.
If you were watching close enough, you would have seen Warrick paying both Catherine and Sara ten dollars each for losing the bet.
- - -
Nick took Greg to the hospital and Greg began to cry when they handed him the hospital gown. The nurse didn't stop Nick when he followed Greg into his room for the next couple of days while he received the treatment.
Greg turned and hugged Nick once he shut the door and cried into Nick's shoulder. "Let me help you change," Nick whispered in Greg's ear and began to unzip Greg's jacket.
He took a step back and let Nick strip him of his jacket and shirt. "My hair is going to fall out."
And Nick stared at Greg and cried. "We'll take pictures and put together a scrap book, following the journey of Greg and his hair."
Greg started laughing but he slowly started to cry again. "I just want to be better."
"Me too," Nick whispered, reaching for the buckle on Greg's belt so he could finish undressing Greg. He patiently waited as Greg eased his way out of his pants - - one of the symptoms being joint pain - - and sat down on the edge of the bed so Nick could remove his shoes.
Greg reached forward and grabbed the sides of Nick's face, pulling his lover level with him. Their noses were almost touching and Greg could smell the mint in Nick's breath. "I love you," Greg said quietly, slowly pulling Nick's soft lips onto his own.
Nick pulled away to breathe, and with a slight pant in his breath he whispered in return. "I love you too."
And even in the disgusting hospital gown, Nick thought Greg looked beautiful.
Part Two
- - -
Only for the one he loves would Nick touch barf buckets and clean their faces of traces that they had up heaved everything ingested in the past two hours. But he doesn't just wipe away barf from Greg's face, but tears as his stomach betrays him and all he can do anymore is dry heave and gag.
When Greg isn't throwing up, he's sleeping in their bed or on their couch, cuddled up in Nick's arms, head resting on his chest or in his lap. Nick watches Greg breathe and runs a hand through the young man's hair.
Greg doesn't remember Sara and Catherine coming over one day before shift. He doesn't remember Sara holding his hand and telling him how lucky he was to have Nick by his side through the entire treatment and telling him how upset Nick has been because he is so scared of
losing his Greggo.
He doesn't remember Catherine consoling a crying Nick in the kitchen because Nick is so scared of what might happen to Greg is the chemotherapy doesn't work. How to deal with Greg being too weak to walk and Greg waking up to find locks of his hair on his pillow. How
he is supposed to stay strong for Greg and himself as well.
Grissom calls every day to talk to Nick about how Greg is feeling, what he looks like, what his complaints are, how much he is sleeping, how many pain meds he has taken and Grissom always asks Nick if he needs anyone to help him.
Warrick stops by every three days and calls on the days in between. He brings movies that him and Nick watch and occasionally Greg takes
up for a few minutes to watch with the boys. But soon he falls back asleep and Warrick watches in awe at how much love and care Nick gives Greg as he gets him situated on the couch next to him, wrapping him in a blanket and kissing him lightly on the forehead.
"You really love him, don't you?"
Nick gives Warrick a smile of pure pride. "With all my heart."
He even loves to hear Greg snore.
- - -
Greg isn't sleeping as much any more and he goes out with Nick to the Strip at night to see shows and pouts like a child when he realizes that he will never be able to see Siegfried and Roy show. Nick has to explain to Greg that the FBI is currently investigating the attack and Greg suggests they go to a magic show instead. Nick tells Greg the story of a magician's murder he investigated a couple of years ago and Greg decides to not risk being chosen as a volunteer from the audience.
Nick scoots closer to Greg in the booth and runs his hand along the inside of Greg's thigh, getting dangerously close to his crotch. Greg tries to hide the rising blush on his face as he looks at Nick with an expression that falls between `cut that out' and `God, I want you so bad' and Nick laughs, backing off a little and wraps an arm around Greg's shoulders and Greg lets out a sigh as he rests his head on Nick's shoulders.
The night would have been perfect until Greg felt a dull pain in the small of his back. He tries hiding the discomfort from Nick, not wanting to worry him but when his face screws in pain from what felt like someone stabbing him in the same place as the pain from before, Nick noticed and began to panic.
Nick grabs Greg's hand and his lover squeezes back as another jolt of pain hits his back. "I want to go homes," Greg whines and tries to walk away as Nick drops $100 on the table, but doubles over in pain and drops to his knees as the pain courses down his legs and up his
spine to the base of his neck.
"Call 911!" Nick yells and drops to the ground beside Greg, scooping his boyfriend into his arms as Greg begins to cry.
- - -
Round two of the chemotherapy started yesterday and Greg is back to sleeping all the time. But when Nick has to wake him up to take his
medication, they talk for a few minutes. Greg declares one day that as soon as he was able to, him and Nick are going to go out and buy a huge fish tank and buy colorful fish and a little scuba diver too.
So the when Greg can stay awake for a few hours and can walk without assistance from Nick, the two venture to Pet Smart and buy whatever fish Greg wants and they even get the little scuba diver with a pink wetsuit and Greg watches the diver float up and down more than he does the fish.
At night, him and Nick sit and stare at the fluorescent light in the darkness of their family room. Greg falling asleep in Nick's arms and Nick watching the reflection of the water from the tank bounce off Greg's pale face and he smiles because this is how things should be - - Greg smiling and Nick smiling and the happy couple sharing private moments like these that make their relationship special.
Nick feeds the fish for Greg when he's sleeping and even when Greg wakes up, he feeds the fish no matter how long ago Nick did. He has named them all after the other people on nightshift - - Greg let Nick pick his fish before he claimed his own and dubs the ugliest one Hodges.
Greg calls Grissom to tell him the great news and Nick laughs because he sounds like a little boy, telling Grissom all about his new pets with plenty of "ums" and "likes" to satisfy everyone.
Greg is going in for his third round of chemotherapy [out of seven] and the night before Nick has to bring Greg to the hospital for the next couple of days, Nick tucks Greg into their bed like his own little boy. Greg's still too weak for any sex and Nick is afraid to push him even if he is.
Nick stays awake and watches Greg sleep, twisted up in the sheets that fall loosely around hips. Greg rolls over and Nick sees a patch of Greg's hair stuck to the pillow.
*My hair is going to fall out.*
Nick picks up the lock of hair and rubs it between his fingers before slipping the strands of hair into a drawer on his nightstand. He can start to see patches on Greg's head where his hair is falling out.
That night, Nick cries himself to sleep.
Part Three
*Grissom had warned him of the case's nature and told him that if he
couldn't handle it that he could work with Warrick and Catherine on
their case. But Greg said that just because he himself had been blown
up in a crime lab didn't mean that the next case would personally
affect him.
But the more of the case he investigated, the more his hands began to
shake.
Another crime lab on the outskirts of Nevada had an explosion which
not just obliterated the DNA lab and the walls of the trace lab, but
the entire building, including part of the adjacent police station.
Greg said that he was able to handle it and would provide the point
of view that maybe the case required.*
Nick picked up the three rolls of film from the one-hour photo place
and the clerk gave him a sad face. "Does he have cancer?" she asked
in a bubblegum ditzy voice and Nick wanted to slap her.
"Yeah," Nick whispered, choking on his words. "But he's getting
better."
She bowed her head in either respect or embarrassment and squeaked
out a small, `I'm sorry' that Nick thought was fake and let him have
the pictures without paying.
*His hands began to shake so bad that he couldn't write his final
report - - an unknown chemical reaction had occurred near flammable
items and caused the fatal explosion. No one was at fault and the
whole incident would be ruled out as an accident. Everyone who had
died had `smoke inhalation' or `severe burns' on their autopsy
reports.
Greg ignored Grissom's shut door and went racing right in and up to
his boss' desk, shoving his vibrating hands in Grissom's face,
panicked and scared, wondering if his "problem" was going to affect
his work.
"Look!" Greg shouted and when he saw how Grissom felt just by looking
at his eyes, he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at
his feet. "I was getting better but this case...it was exactly like
what happened to me, except worse. Instead of just blowing up the
lonely lab tech, it killed people Gris - - this accident didn't just
cost money. People lost their lives."*
He quietly shut Greg's hospital door and slid into his normal chair,
dropping the box of photos and photo album onto the ground and reach
for his lover's hand. Greg's eyes opened just enough to see Nick
sitting there and he closed them again, smiling faintly. Nick brought
Greg's hand up to his mouth and slowly kissed his fingertips and
knuckles.
"I'm glad your back," Greg said faintly over the noise of his heart
rate beeping every second. His breathing was slow and labored, but he
just finished his fourth treatment a couple of hours ago and this has
been the worse yet. And Nick got upset because the treatments were
supposed to get even worse and he couldn't imagine Greg making it
through any more that he already had.
Nick smiled and kissed the tip of Greg's pinkie finger. "I told you
I'd be back soon."
*Greg tried not to cry as Grissom asked to see his hands. He
extracted them from his pockets and they shook even more as they get
closer to Grissom's own and is felt like Grissom shocked him as their
hands make contact. Grissom doesn't notice but Greg pulled his hands
away quickly, fingers numb and that's when he noticed someone out of
the corner of his eye.
Nick was sitting in a chair, case file in hand and mouth wide open in
shock. He hadn't said anything and it took him a second to register
the fact that his two colleagues had gone silent and Greg is staring
at him but when he did, he began fumbling with an apology and Grissom
told him to stop talking.
"Nick, this is not to leave this room - - do you understand me?" Nick
nodded his head absent mindedly and Grissom went back to examining
Greg's hands, but the young CSI had already fled the office and was
nowhere in sight.*
The doctor came in and told Greg and Nick that the pains Greg had
been having in his abdomen was actually another tumor. If Greg has
the tumor removed in the next forty-eight hours, his chances of the
cancerous cells spreading went from seventy-five percent to five
percent. The tumor was fairly small and could be removed in a quick,
one hour surgery.
Greg wasn't so sure if he could spare the energy for a surgery but
Nick explained to Greg that waiting could cost him even more. Greg
agreed to have the surgery the following morning.
He was wheeled in first thing Wednesday morning. Nick barely had time
to go home, shower and drive back before Greg was being wheeled back
into his room, even more tubes and machines attached than before and
it made Nick feel sick to his stomach.
Nick pulled out a camera and took pictures of Greg asleep on the
gurney, doctors wheeling him down the hall.
*When Nick left work, the shadow of the lab cast out over the parking
lot and his car. That was when Nick noticed someone's shadow from
atop the roof and before he even turned around, he knew it was Greg,
his back to the parking lot. He was staring at the sun setting over
the city, watching the Strip come to life just a few miles away.
Nick walked up to the roof; by then, Greg had moved to the far
corner, toes hanging over the edge of the roof and hands held out in
front of them, shaking worse than before. There was a shake in his
shoulders that Nick noticed as he quietly shut the heavy door.
"I never had time to be scared," Greg declared and Nick wondered how
Greg knew it was him.
"It happened so fast, I had no time to cry."*
Nick cried when Greg asked him to take pictures of the stitches on
his stomach. "They look like thorns," Greg decided. "Black, angry
thorns on a cactus that is slowly killing me."
Greg was mourning his upcoming death day and Nick was upset that he
was so willing in accepting his death. That he wasn't going to fight
harder. And that made Greg cry.
"I already cheated death once - - no man has enough luck to beat it
twice, Nick. I was ready to die fifteen years ago, so imagine my
surprise when I celebrated my fifteenth birthday, a feat I had
already accepted as not happening."
Both men cried until Greg's painkillers kicked in and knock him out.
He gave Nick one final kiss before his eyes slid shut.
*All Greg could remember from last night was being terribly drunk.
And now he was waking up in Nick's bed, wrapped in Nick's arms and
only dressed in his boxers. The same couldn't be said for Nick though
and Greg could tell as Nick grinded up against him.
*But I'm not gay!* was what Greg's mind was shouting as he slid away
from Nick's arms and silently looked for the rest of his clothes. He
had always guessed that Nick hit for both teams but it was always
just a joke with himself and Bobby Dawson who "had it on good
measure" that Nick was indeed gay.
Greg stopped when he was pulling on his pants when he noticed his
hands and the lack of shaking. Normally, they were at their worse
when he first woke up but as he watched them now, there wasn't even a
shake in them from how cold he was. They were still like a lake early
in the morning, untouched and quiet.
He looked back up at Nick, who had rolled over, and smiled. Although
he wasn't gay, he felt different knowing that he could wake up in
Nick's strong arms every morning. It was a safe, confident feeling
and instead of sneaking away from Nick's house and leaving
his...well, what was Nick now?
Had it just been some pity fuck or one night stand? Or was there
actually a relationship to come out of it? Because either Greg could
continue to call Nick just a friend or colleague, or now Nick was his
boyfriend, his lover.
Nick Stokes, my boyfriend and Greg liked how it sounded when he
thought about it. So he stripped down to his boxers and crawled back
into Nick's bed, wrapping his arms around his new - - and first - -
boyfriend.*
TBC