Hockey is boring.
Created: April 3rd
I'm a Canadian. Almost every Canadian watches hockey. The reason they watch hockey is that they're Canadian. That's not the whole story though. Truth be told, hockey is more exciting than baseball, football, and basketball combined. Unfortunately, all three of those sports are amazingly boring.

I have to respect the NHL (National Hockey League) because:

1. Their sport isn't quite as boring as the other major sports
2. They know their sport is boring
3. They are trying to figure out how to make their sport less boring

"Well, we could raise the crossbar a few inches... make some minor tweaks to rules that don't mean anything or"... What the hell? You call this progress? Let me teach you how it's done.

New Rule #1: Make the rink more like a pinball table
Notice those black areas in the back? In hockey, players trap the puck behind their own net while they wait for their teammates to get into formation. Well, my version of the game still lets them trap the puck, right into the multi-puck trap, while a new puck drops a few feet in front of their net. Any pucks or players that fall into one of these trap zones will wait by the blue area until someone hits the multiball release or... multipuck release, ah screw it.

Instead of scoring points, those bumpers make the whole rink TILT! Yeah that's right, hit the bumpers in the other teams zone with the puck and you get a nice gravitational advantage. All of this tilting will also make players tumble around. It'll be great, trust me.

New Rule #2: Make every team Western Canadian

Right now, every team in the NHL is afraid to make a good play, becuase it will leave them open for a counter attack. Every team, that is, except three: The Edmonton Oilers, the Calgary Flames, and the Vancouver Canucks. These guys are hardcore, and out to put on a show.

Once one of these teams (doesn't matter which one) was losing by two against some ordinary team that used their bullshit "strategic formations" to put themselves in the lead. Did they sit back and take it? No, they took their goalie out (this is at the end of the first period), all six players charged at the net, and they scored! Holy shit!

New Rule #3: Explosions. Lots of explosions.

Name one thing that doesn't instantly become better when you add explosions. That's right; you can't. Right now, the NHL has a zamboni, a machine that smooths the ice after every period. Smooth ice?! I thought these guys were supposed to be real hockey players, why do they need smooth ice?

Well, let's kill two birds with one stone. Instead of smoothing ice, the zamboni should ride around the rink dropping mines randomly. They don't even have to be deadly mines, just enough to make the players catch some air and crash. I can't believe no one has thought of this!

New Rule #4: Add ninja.

New Rule #5: Stop charging so damn much

Only one type of hockey fan can afford to go to a Leafs game. The "I'm not really a hockey fan but I got a free ticket from the corporation I work for" fan. It costs a trillion dollars for the ticket, followed by $900 for the parking.

Okay, I guess they have to charge that much thanks to the miracle of "Supply and Demand", but why do they charge $9.7 X 10^56 for a 3 oz. plastic cup of beer?

And why am I still writing this?
people think that my ideas would greatly change the sport of hockey.
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