Sheeps
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Today I spent several hours at the local Mail Boxes, Inc. running off patterns by the armloads on the copiers, my headphones enveloping me in Gaslight. Listening to the lyrics, I found myself thinking back on the past year - the story most of you all know, - big life changes, the lyrics from Russell's music the biggest catalyst.
I thought about the Perch, and all the new folks here lately, and how many really YOUNG gals are here. And suddenly, I found there were tears running down my face. Not sadness, but just this feeling of ..... mixed feelings.
"You treat me like chocolate....something you shouldn't take between meals....
I've always read that lyric as "chocolate" being a metaphor for life, and "having at it" being gobbling up life while you can....
And so....thinking of those words, and others from Gaslight, I want to share something with everyone...but especially the youngest here.
This is the crux of it: The price one pays for cowardice, or of even excessive caution, in life, is too damn high.
My mom and dad, God love them, came from conservative hard-working people. I was taught to be careful, of everything. I think the result - my being a rather timid child anyway by nature - was that I learned the world was a scary threatening place, and life something to simply get through as painlessly as possible, not devour.
Looking back - as I often do now in this year of enormous transition - I have given up so much, SO MUCH, in the name of safety. There is so much I didn't attempt, things I didn't learn; I didn't demand things that were good for me when I should have; I married a man not for true love, but for a safe option - I'm most ashamed of that (what a terribly selfish thing that is, in the end...).
"Some recall experience so others can run the same road...
I feel lucky today too....because my eyes were opened early enough. I'm still fairly young...I can start over, maybe even with another man. I have the youth and energy and health to do some real living.
So what would I have done differently?
I wouldn't have wasted a minute writing down possibilities. Life goes by so quickly - and faster with every decade. Can each of you imagine, that for each one of us there will be a last day of living here - the last smell of grass, the last sight of the sea or river or lake, the last feel of your pet's fur, a last hug or kiss from someone you love. Can you even think of that? That this isn't endless?
I want to learn to sail this summer. My mom, who can't swim, was always afraid of water, warning us to stay away from it. My dad put us in swim lessons as youngsters - always an ordeal, I was so terrified. Finally, at about 20, I hired an adult teacher who taught my sister and I to swim privately, working first on our fears. Now, I want to learn to control a boat, and work with the wind to move it across the water I've grown to love so much... the danger, the possibility of an accident, now seems so insignificant. The thought of NOT doing it frightens me more now.
I want to get back on a horse, and learn to ride better, and learn to ignore that awful panic when the horse under me breaks into gallop. I want to will my muscles to relax, to become one with that animal, to let him carry me through his experience, at his speed. Because - not living that way is WORSE than falling off and breaking an arm - or my neck. It's WORSE. See?
I want to love a man with my whole heart. I want to have the courage to say goodbye to any one who mistreats me. I want to trust one, and have sex with my SOUL into him this time. You know? Because not having that in my lifetime is MORE frightening, than being hurt. I don't want to ever feel again, that I have to hold back a little of myself - "you can't have this, you can't touch all of me...I'm still safe". I mean, WHY? Life is too short.
"This time it could be critical to wake your living heart from it's resting place..."
I'm going to live closer to my heart - as Russell would recommend. I'm going to stop listening to the 'voices over my shoulder' cautioning me, and I'm going to live to feed my soul. Not just stay safe.
One more thought: "I feed Eternity with my own bravery." I think he means.....when you conduct yourself with bravery today, in the NOW, you set up an eternity of options for your life, that you wouldn't otherwise know..."
I need to start feeding my Eternity, because I've been a coward way too long. So I will dry these tears (again) - because I really have been blessed in so many ways - and forgive myself for cowardly, soul-killing, safe choices - and for any unwitting harm I may have done others along the road - and I'm going to live hard. And devour this chocolate life! !
Hugs to all - especially the youngest amongst us.
Instead of having at it, (and)
Simply express the way you feel.."
But you just write down possibilities so you can spend
More time at home...."
Harley Grrlllll
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
�
Sheeps, lOVED reading what you shared here with us.
I'm one of the youngest, and I can APPRECIATE every word here. I TOO, DEVOUR CHOCOLATE every minute and second I get in the days. I will live my life to the FULLEST/HAPPIEST that I can. I only get one chance. And I plan on making SOMETHING of it all. I do try to not take anything for GRANTED......... Because LIFE is TO SHORT!
Just ENJOY!
The Meaning of LIFE is to LIVE IT! Now HG, wiping away the tears!
CHEERS!
{ { {SHEEPSIE} } }
HUGZZZZ and KISSES TO YOU!
Thanks for the warm FUZZIES!
LOVE YA
HG
Of the Angels
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
OMG... thank you for such a generous glimpse into your soul! Nothing I've read here has made me cry like this. I can see myself in your words and I too have decided to "live & love" instead of fear. It's a beautiful thing and so are you.
Thank you!
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redholly
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Dear Sheeps I wish I could hug you, you are not wrong this
is not a rehearsal He said it "just have at it".
Love red.
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vcSuperStar
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
( NOTE TO RUSSELL : This wise little gal is all of 16 years old.)
awwwwwww! My inner sap got all teared up!
Even though, I probably am the youngest (i'm damn proud..heh heh) I learned that this year. I used to be so afraid that I'd mess up something if I wasn't careful. But, you can still mess up WHEN you're careful and more importantly, perhaps being careful is messing up?
Since this still is slightly anynomous, I don't mind sharing this. Four years of my life was wasted being depressed. Two of those years was spent being manic depressive. All that time just GONE, time I could have done something with my life...
Now I live for the now. I know I don't get oppurnities often so I take them when they are offered. In fact, because of that, I gotta be on an MTV show ( TRL ), I'm on the debate team, I'm up for a solo in my church choir, I have a ton of new friends, I've been doing charity work, better grades in school, etc etc etc.
I can't say I'd do things differently, because those 4 years I really learned a lot about life. As everyone I know says, I'm 16 going on 35...I had to learn the hard way, but at least I now know and can help my friends that are in my situtation.
Music really helps me and currently it's TOFOG that's working it's magic. I can honestly say I'm content with life right now.
Wow...I kinda just don't stop talking when I start...
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ozcmom
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
�
Sheeps, thank you for sharing what is a very beautiful and wonderful time with us! It is always a privilege to be allowed to share in the wonderful, joyous times in a person's life, and to see the changes they are making/have made.
The relationship to Russell's lyrics is amazing - as I read each passage that you quoted I could hear it play in my head (which is a great feat at the moment as 4yr old is playing Hercules on the Playstation! ). What you have said about decisions in your early years is wonderful, and many of them hit home to me BIG time! Know exactly where you are coming from, and wish you all the joy, excitement and fun on your future adventures!
{ { { { ! !Sheeps! ! } } } }
And { { { { ! !Russ! ! } } } } for laying your heart out there for all to see, hear, read, kick about, toss up in the air, catch or drop, run with, and learn from. Good on ya, mate!
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CINDY
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
SHEEEEEEEPSIE - You are one Phenomenal Woman and I!m so very very proud of you. And believe me Sweetie, it's never too late to do what you are doing. From your very first postings I've known that you possess an incredible amount of inner strength, even though you may have had it hidden for some time. I have no doubt you will accomplish whatever you set out to do in life.
You know, I think Russell's lyrics really cinched it for me. When I started researching his earlier movies, and reading all the interviews I could find, I was more and more drawn to the man and more in awe of his talent. But when I found out about TOFOG and read his lyrics, I think that is what truly "put me over the top". Aside from all his other attributes, the man has the soul of a poet and is not afraid to lay it bare for all the world to see. And he is truly an inspiration for all.
Love to Sheeps, a truly brave woman.
Love to Russell, our main man, our inspiration.
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the57motz
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Very powerful thoughts Sheepsie -
motz puddled up a couple of times and by God that's hard to do to me anymore -
thanks for sharing.
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HeidiB
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Sheeps, what a wonderful "life lesson" you have given us! Sometimes we all need to be reminded that we are mortal and that life is meant to be lived! So eat the damn chocolate - - and enjoy every last creamy morsel, sing to your heart's content, play with the energy of a child, and explore as if you were Magellan. If you don't leap, you'll never know what it's like to fly!
Hugs to you for putting some perspective back into my world. { { { HUGS } } }
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Zee J
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
�
Sheeps, you are a brave and beautiful woman. I am honored that you have shared some of this rough spot in your life with us here. You have expressed this so eloquently, but I do want to add one more thought.
Quote:
"I feel lucky today too....because my eyes were opened early enough. (In my 30's ) I'm still fairly young...I can start over, maybe even with another man. I have the youth and energy and health to do some real living."
I have come to believe that "fairly young" can be a lot older than you think. There are few things in life sadder than people in their 40's or 50's who have given up and decided that life is over for them.
You go girl! And keep us updated on your new life.
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sarony
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Sheeps - thank you so much for sharing those intimate thoughts with us! We should all feel honored. Let me just give you some encouragement - follow your heart and live each day with the awareness of the wonders around you. I happen to be incredibly lucky and blessed in many ways... I am married to my soul-mate, who I first met early in life at the age of 18! We didn't get married until almost 4 years later (no rush - we knew we had the rest of our days here on earth to spend together). There is nothing like having a man who is so in tune with you that he makes love to your body AND mind AND soul. Everyone deserves that kind of love. I have a beautiful son for whom I waited for 5 years, and he's more amazing than I ever dreamed he would be. I've always had the attitude of "just go for it - you never know when good things and good people are going to appear before you". Life has rewarded me time and time again for that attitude. Yes, that means you have heartache and trouble and great disappointment sometimes along the way because you are not afraid to love, to give, to breathe in all the moments, but I don't believe in living a life that's dead to who I really am. I'll gladly pay the price for truly being alive. Knowing who you truly are is most of the battle in deciding what direction to take in life and what decisions you must make. Sheeps, you are truly brave to embark on the journey you have before you. Always be true to yourself, dream big, open your heart and mind, and never be afraid to soak up all the life you can. Life is a gift and what we do everyday is important, even the small things, because we are exchanging a day of our lives for it. I hope that you get closer to that person you want to be every day, and enjoy the ride while you're at it. You!re an inspiration for all of us here. Never forget that.
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Dragonfly
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
{ { { { {Sheeps} } } } } Thanks Sheeps! I'll take that advice to heart, and it comes at a particularly appropriate time for me. Must be my guardian angels sending you my way! Thanks.
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Lark Songbird
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Wow, Sheeps, thank you.
I have tears in my eyes. For your beautiful post, and because much of what you and others have said here has truly touched me.
I have thought for some time that many of those who have found their way to the Perch are in some sort of crisis point in their life. Thanks for showing me what you have learned.
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Thinking Bastards Woman
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
I think I'm one of the younger ones here and I really appreciate the advice. I've been in very similar circumstances and I'm just beginning to turn things around. It's good to know that we can all start over.
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Princess Pupule
Registered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Thank you Sheeps for having the courage to share your heart and soul. As a woman who's lived most of her life with one foot on the excelerator and one foot on the brake, I've done a lot of lurching and I've sure made life harder for myself than it needed to be. Lately I've been contemplating taking my foot off the brake and just going forward. I'm not quite as young as you, but still young enough. Thank you for reminding me that my life won't last forever.
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wendy
Unregistered User
eating chocolate
Sheeps, you are truly an inspiration. (I have a huge box of Godiva with your name on it.) It made me feel better about my shitty situation when I saw your post. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your problems and lose track of what life is truly about. BTW, I lost your e-mail address and I have something I'd like to send you. It has certainly helped me not take life so seriously. If you'd like to see it, e-mail me and I'll forward it to you.
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lisa s
Unregistered User
Eating Chocolate, and Proud of it!....
Perchettes,
I have been lurking since Gladiator and there have been so many times when I say to myself, "I HAVE to respond to this". I feel as if I know you all, and I thank you for sharing so much with so many people. I have always thought that we underestimate how we affect others lives, and you ladies have enlightened me, made me laugh, cry and given me the courage to dig deep into my heart with regard to things that are going on in my own life. Again I thank you (and of course you too Russ).
While lurking I have heard my own thoughts and feelings echoed on this board on a regular basis, but reading Sheeps post, God I felt like I could have written it myself, only I am not so far along in the "process" - I am still looking for the courage to make the changes necessary to live my best life (sorry for sounding like Oprah), to "get life all over me". I too am young enough to start over, but we are on this earth for such a short time, and I have so much left to do, I realize that the time is now.
I too am also Russell obsessed. With his amazing talent and beauty of course, but it must be more, because I am not someone that gets star struck - ever, and by the intelligence and insightfulness I have seen illustrated on this board, I am guessing many of you ladies have found something very unique and special in Russell that you can connect with as well. Perhaps it is what he represents, in his views and value of life (in addition to the more primal stuff! ! ).
So Sheeps, as I dry my tears upon reading your post, my I also reiterate your sentiments to the tots on the board (although being 30 may put me into this catagory, but I have delt with more shit than many people see in a lifetime, so I FEEL a lot older). Live life and live it for yourself, we all have enough baggage without carrying everyone else's. When you come right down to it, as long as you have your physical and mental health, the rest is gravy. This is not a dress rehersal and there are no excuses for not "devouring this chocolate life" - - I love that! ! !
Thanks again Ladies!
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HarleyGirl
Registered User
Sending you WISHES!
DANCE SHEEPSIE, DANCE in LIFE.............!
I hope you DANCE! ! !
LOVE YA
P.S. Yes, I'm on another computer............!
I hope we all DANCE! ! !
HG
Thought of something to add on the drive home from work!
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babzee
Registered User
Re: Sending you WISHES!
Sheepzachara - - you deserve vats and vats of chocolate! !
QUOTE:
"This is the art of courage: to see things as they ARE and still believe that the victory lies not with those who avoid the bad, but those who taste, in living awareness, every drop of the good." - Victoria Lincoln.
( chocolate sheep dip? Eeewwwwwww! )
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Abercrombie25
Registered User
Re: Sending you WISHES!
Sheeps: I am one of the younger people on the board, I want you to know I really took your words to heart. I'm still drying the tears The tears started with the mention of there being a last time you feel your pet's fur (I love my dog with all my heart and soul) and a last time you kiss someone you love (my husband shares my heart and soul with my dog), and I DO, so often, think about the fact that it won't last forever. And I worry that I'm not living life to its fullest, spending as much time with loved ones as I should. But your words gave me inspiration, to stop worrying so much - and just DO! Jump in there and "have at it," so to speak. Thank you. So very much.
Also, I can relate to your fears - I feel the same way about skiing as you seem to about water and boats. I had a miserable time one weekend when I went, because I was scared to death of going too fast down the mountain and having an accident. I couldn't enjoy one minute of it. And in the 4 years I spent on a farm where I could ride horses, I barely got comfortable on them, and I've loved horses my entire life. I'm just afraid of being on them when they gallop off into the sunset I wish I had enjoyed them more when I had the opportunity.
Again, thank you for those wise words and inspiration.
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lurker 0317
Registered User
Thanx for the reminder...
{ { { { {sheeps} } } } }
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