On October 7, 2002 HHH startled the world when he spoke these words: “Kane you are a murderer.” Sure plenty of WWE superstars are crazy criminals that have used drugs, kidnapped people, brain washed each other, set one another a blaze, dragged coffins behind cars, and used ashes of people’s parents as foreign objects but never has a wrestler been linked to a murder before. Kane claims it was an accident but HHH says that he took her life with out mercy and then took her wilted flower. I have studied all the facts and now I’ll present the information about the case. I will introduce each suspect and tell you why they would want to kill poor Katie Vick.
KANE
Kane’s sad story begins when his brother (The Undertaker) burns down their family funeral parlor located in scenic Death Valley. Now I know you’re asking, “why would any one built a funeral parlor in the middle of the God forsaken desert?” Well you see, Undertaker’s dad had his parlor in Los Angles. But, he ran afoul of the local undertaker union. You see Mr. Calloway liked to date the recently deceased. He would dress them up real nice, take them out to eat, and if he was lucky he’d get a little something-something if you know what I mean. This made all the undertakers look like sick perverted fools so they drove him out of town. He moved to Death Valley because Mr. Calloway sniffed a little too much ether and thought that if was full of dead people. Well he was wrong and business was horrible. Since Undertaker’s father was so hopped up on embalming fluid, Mrs. Calloway decided to cheat on him with his assistant: Paul Bearer. They had a child named Kane and all would have been well if not for one thing. You see young Mark (The Undertaker) had one thing that meant everything in the world to him: his Fonzie Mego doll. He would spend his youthful days going on a wacky adventure to the 50s. He’d tell an imaginary Potsie to set on it and bale a fictitious Richie out of trouble. Mark’s happy days soon turned to sad ones when young Kane found the Fonzie doll and bit its head off. This made Mark go into an insane rage of hate and death. He doused the place with gas and lit it ablaze. Somehow Kane survived this and came under the care of his father: Paul Bearer. Kane was burnt so badly that he would need to apply topical cream to his face for three whole weeks. The real reason Kane wears the mask is because he had the worst teeth ever. His dental hygiene was horrible and would take 30 whitings over the course of 20 years to make them presentable to the public. Kane lived a completely normal life for a man that wears a goofy mask could. He went to college and met the love of his life: Katie Vick.
Katie was the head cheerleader at Greenwich Community College. She fell for Kane the moment they met in their dentistry class (hey he wanted to keep other young men from being forced to wear masks to hide their ugly teeth). One day at a party Kane got quite drunk and Katie needed a ride home. It’s public knowledge that Kane can’t drive a stick-shift and in fact the only thing in the world he fears is having to drive one. Being drunk he accidentally got in the wrong car with Katie (who was drunk herself). They drove for sometime until Kane realized that it was a stick. He panicked and lost control of the car. They hit a tree and a half-hour later when the ambulance got there, Katie was dead. According to the coroner said the official cause of death was massive head trauma from the impact of the crash. But, did Kane really kill her?
Kane somehow manage to get into a strange car and start it with out having the keys to it before getting in. This suggests that someone switched Kane’s keys and somehow got him to go to the strange car with a stick-shift. So, someone that could have easily known that Kane fears the stick could have set him up. But, what about the rape? The coroner did find a yet unrevealed sample on the deceased. We know that Kane’s step-father liked to play around with dead things but did Kane pick that bad habit up? Of course no one knows when the rape took place so it may have been before her death.
The Undertaker
After the parlor burnt to the ground young Mark went wandering thru the desert aimlessly. This was most likely because young kids can't read a map or tell which way is north. During his journey he met Joseph Goebbels (Hitler’s head of propaganda). Mr. Goebbels had ran away to the Mojave Desert to hide from the allies at the end of WWII. He survived by drinking cactus water and getting high from licking toads. He told Mark that he needed to lick a toad so he could go on a visionquest to claim his destiny. Mark licked the toad and everything became an opening credit sequence of a James Bond movie. His destiny was never claimed seeing as he became addicting to licking various things he shouldn’t have and life because a drug induced haze. He came to 20 years later in Houston, Texas. He sort of quit licking things cold turkey by accident. You see Mark stumbled into a WCCW show and licked Kerry Von Erich’s mullet. The bitter taste of talent snapped him right out of the darkness that was his life. Mark had no money, skills, or a TV to watch Happy Days on. The Von Erich family felt sorry for him so they hired him to be jobber fodder. After several months of endless jobbing Mark started to yearn for one thing: respect. This want for respect caused him to start beating the living shit out of all of his opponents and saying stupid stuff like: “You mouth is writing checks your ass can’t cash” and “Crazy brave and puny strong”. He started making the Von Erich’s look bad so they did the only rational thing they could do: hire Hacksaw Jim Duggan to kill him. But alas all Duggan knew how to do was yell “HOOOO” and hit people with a two-by-four. Mark just got a slight concussion from the blunt trauma of having a loon hit him in the head repeatedly with a piece of wood. Jim then hired William Shatner to finish the job. Shatner learned a lot about killing people while making TJ Hooker (why do you think the show was on so long) and became a killer for hire. He ran over Mark but that didn’t get the job done. So, he recited all of his dialog from the first season of Star Trek until Mark finally couldn’t stand anymore and bit his tongue off (which caused him to bleed to death, dum dum). His body was buried in the desert of New Mexico right next to unsold ET cartages and the fabled sixth bongo playing member of Bon Jovi,
Paul Bearer had collected the ashes of Mark’s parents after they died and just carried them around with him for no real good reason. He found out that Mark was dead and left to find his body. He dug up the corpse and brought Mark back to life with the power of his parent’s remains and a flashlight loaded with Ever Ready batteries. He dubbed Mark, The Undertaker and took his zombie ass to WWF to live off of his undead bitch.
We know that Taker would simply forget about the fact that Kane tried to kill him about a dozen times and dug up innocent dead people and tried to force him to “be like his father”. Plus Taker was a mindless hoss at the time of Katie Vick’s death. So no matter how much he hated Kane for the beheading of Fonzie he couldn’t have possibly did it.
Paul Bearer
Paul Bearer used to be Percy Pringle III the greatest surfer to ever ride a wave on the west coast. But that ended tragically the day he discovered Marshmallow Peeps and gained about 80 pounds in the course of two weeks. The now hefty Percy tried to win the big Beach Blanket Surf Championship but his added width totally screwed up his balance and lost to those darn preps. Humiliated he left the world of surfing behind and tried many odd jobs until he ended up as an undertaker’s assistant in Death Valley. Percy hated the job but fell in love with owner’s wife. They had a child (Kane) together and Mrs. Calloway lied to her husband about the baby. She said he knocked her up in one of his ether-induced hazes and he being stupid bought it. We all know that Undertaker burnt the place to the ground while Paul was out in the desert alone with a bunt cake (don’t ask). He found Kane still alive and raised him on his own until he went to college.
We all know that Paul brought Taker back from the beyond and sponged off his ass for years in the WWF. But things started going down hill when a series of events caused Taker to became uncontrollable. First Hulk Hogan tossed Mark’s parents’ ashes in his eyes at Tuesday in Texas. With the ashes gone Paul started having less control. Then Kama the Supreme Fighting Machine stole Taker’s urn and melted it down to take away Taker’s inhuman power. This caused Mark to regain control of himself and once again demand respect from every single person that even looked at him. Paul needed to do something quick before Taker would fully turn on him. He lied to Kane and told him that Undertaker switched his car so that Katie would die. Kane being pissed off went back to the WWF to take his revenge.
Paul Bearer loves his son so it seems unlikely that he would have killed her. He was also busy at the time being Undertaker’s manager.
HHH
Kane first met HHH at Greenwich Community College. I know: Why would a rich snob go to a community college? That’s because he’s not rich at all. Hunter is the son of a used car salesman and a genderly challenged female (Hunter has a sick Oedipus Complex). Well one day Hunter’s mommy (I use that loosely) ran away to Canada and hasn’t been seen since. His only friend was Justin Credible, an unfortunate young boy that looks little a certain naughty part. They used to dress up like He-Man and Orko when they went to school (in fact up until 11th grade). This made them outcastes and nobody wanted to even acknowledge their existence. This plus the fact that he was omitted from the school’s yearbook made Hunter take up a quest: he would force everyone to see him all the time whether they liked it or not.
Hunter went to Greenwich Community College after graduating dead last from high school. At school he meet Katie Vick. She was the head cheerleader and the most popular girl in school. So naturally Hunter wanted to date her so that he would be popular and liked. But she was the girl friend of Kane and Katie wasn’t blind.
Would HHH set Kane up because Katie wouldn’t date him? Well he did fake a video of The Maple Leafs marrying Stephanie McMahon (click here for details). He did drag Mick Foley in a cage behind the D-X Cruiser. He did step into The Undertaker’s yard even though there was a no trespassing sign. So, a little murder won’t be a stretch for him. Also he was the one that brought up the fact that Kane killed Katie. He’s fought Kane many times before and has never mentioned it once. But ten years after the death he brings it up.
Plus you have to take into count his disturbing fixation on the dead Katie Vick. He showed Kane a video of himself in Kane’s mask raping the dead Katie. Did his lust for her cause him to rape her before (or after) her death?
Kev’s problems with Kane didn’t start until he left WWF for WCW. You see Kane got his first break in wrestling being the fake Diesel.
This didn’t sit well with Big Daddy Cool. He swore he’d get his revenge one day. But, there are a couple of things that makes it impossible for him to have killed Katie Vick. First he never heard of Kane before 1996 so he won’t have been able to switch the trucks. Second Kev is too lazy to ever extract revenge seeing as revenge requires physically doing something. There is a popular theory that Nash contacted Tekno Team 2000 so that he could use their time machine to go back in time to set Kane up.
Al Wilson
Good old Al Wilson. He betrayed his daughter to marry a two-dollar slut. Then he went and got himself sexed to death on national TV. Conveniently Al went to Greenwich Community College in 92 to pick up young women and party. His roommate was a keg of Coors and Al invited himself to every party whether they wanted him there or not. We know that he tried to get it on with Katie and pissed Kane off when he hid in her shower and sang “I want you to love me” completely naked when she walked in.
Could this cute old man have murderer Katie? Well, he doesn’t seam like the kind of guy to murder a good -looking woman but would he have raped her. And more importantly if he was the one that raped here, did he what till she was dead when she couldn’t say no.
MUM-RA
Mum-Ra is the greatest enemy of the Thundercats. Mum-Ra is a cartoon. He’s not real and will never be real. If you think he killed Katie Vick then you are retarded.
The Maple Leafs
If you read the bio of Test (Click here to read) you know that the Leafs are the most violent hockey team ever. Could they have set Kane up for some unknown reason? Or maybe, just maybe I wanted to make another pointless Leafs joke.
