Brandon Downard: I’m really glad you decided to come to my house to chat with me today.
Scott Steiner: It’s always a pleasure to talk with one of my freaks.
BD: First off I have to ask the question that everyone wants to ask: do you or have you ever used steroids?
SS: Many people have asked that over the years and I must continue to say no.
BD: Then how did you get so big?
SS: Did you ever watch the Double Dragon cartoon?
BD: Unfortunately yes.
SS: Well, on that show the Shadow Master made this drug. It was in a little black orb and you crushed it to get all jacked up. You got like really strong and pissed off until the shit wore off.
BD: And that has to do with your muscle mass how?
SS: Oh nothing, that was just a cool cartoon. Did you see the episode where Shadow Kahn came to life and started kicking everyone’s ass?
BD: Could you just answer the question?
SS: I got these peaks from hard work. Lots of working out, pumping iron, eating right, and praying to Talsum.
BD: Talsum?
SS: Don’t you know nothing you fool. Talsum is an elder god that used to purge the universe of life. Then one day some jag offs that wanted to save the universe sealed him away forever in a clay pot at the edge of time and space itself. He gives me his great power as long as I do his bidding.
BD: And that would be?
SS: To squash cruiserweights and put on long boring matches.
BD: I would think he’d want you to kill people.
SS: First off Talsum is beyond our feeble human concepts as sex. Second he did want his followers to murder the world until he saw Hulk Hogan with his all seeing eye. From then on he wanted all those that spilled blood in his name to be just like that.
BD: So, Hulk Hogan actually did something good in his life. But if not steroids have you ever been addicted to anything?
SS: It’s hard to admit this to anyone especially a puny non-believer in Talsum but yes. I was for years hooked of Flintstone children’s vitamins. They were like candy you just couldn’t have one. One time I ODed on like 12 bottles on them. For two weeks all I could say was “yabba dabba doo”.
BD: At least you didn’t hallucinate about the great Gazoo.
SS: Don’t ever bring up that no good wish screwing up green bastard. He once turned me into a bucket of water and Rick drank me.
BD: Did you eat any Flintstone vitamins before that happened.
SS: No, but I did drink two and a half bottles of wild turkey while watching the Superfriends. But I don’t see how that is important.
BD: What do you think of HHH?
SS: His peaks aren’t nearly big enough. You see he has peak envy. He wants what I got but won’t pray to the great destroyer of all things: Talsum.
BD: Why are you the big bad booty daddy?
SS: Some people think it’s because of my ability to attract women with these peaks here. Those people are called idiots. The name comes from the fact that I like freaks with huge asses. I can’t get enough of getting a hand full of lumpy, doughy behind. I like to chew on the fat like its bubble gum.
BD: Ok, shut up now.
SS: Then I use their big butts as a pillow when I sleep at night. One time I got my head stuck in one of their cracks.
BD: Shut up for the love of god.
SS: My freaks don’t like your tone.
BD: They’re not here.
SS: My freaks are everywhere. I can’t walk down the street without a loyal fan hitting me with a brick just to see how tough I am. They tell me that my credit card is maxed out just so I can kick their ass because they love me so much.
BD: I think it’s time to go.
SS: You’re right I need to donate sperm so the world can have more genetic freaks.
BD: Out now!
