DISCAIMER: Test in no way created this page or paid the writer to make it. Even though he is a handsome, talented man he does not need to vainly display it on a web site. But if you Testicles out there really love me…..I mean Test then there is nothing wrong with devoting your entire life to his sexy self.
Test was born Andrew Martin to a proud Amish family living on a farm in the middle of a park in Toronto, Canada. Life was hard for the Martin family mostly because of the fact that they where the only Amish family in Toronto. Test’s father Gabriel Martin sold bootleg maple syrup to support his family. But tragedy struck when Gabriel was beaten to death by cops when they came upon his illegal operation. Some say that Gabriel would have lived if he didn’t tear his clothes off, cover himself with the bootleg substance, and started singing “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. Test (at the time eight) was deeply affected by his father’s death. He did what any grieving child would do: start drinking. Test became a raging alcoholic and as you know a young Amish alcoholic is a very dangerous person. He ran afoul of the most brutal gang of ruffians in Toronto: the Maple Leafs.
When they aren’t playing hockey, they’re roaming the streets causing wonton destruction of anything they find. Test meet them at the annual Hockey Day riot and in the drunk daze that became his life challenged them to a rumble. If you ever watched “West Side Story” you realize that you need a gang of prancing punks to fight in a rumble. Well, Test had himself and was brutally beaten nearly to death. As Test lay painfully in the hospital he vowed that he must defeat the Maple Leafs. Since Test was Amish he wasn’t entitled to healthcare and was kicked out while still in a bodycast. Test would have died in the gutter if it was not for Bob Barker. Bob was vacation in Toronto at the time and found poor Andrew on the street. Out of the kindness of his animal loving heart Bob took care of him. Test being an unclaimed child that no one cared about was perfect for Bob’s dark side project: White Slavery the Price is Right. Test was won by Robert Lockheart a smack dealer from Newark. Test was forced to sell crack cut with crushed Fruit Loops. Test did this for seven years. During this seven years his hate for the Maple Leafs grew until it over took him. He ran away to Toronto and once again challenged the Leafs to a duel. He was once again beaten. They strapped him to a goal and fired pucks at his nuts. The Leafs gave him the nickname Test because of all the testicle shoots that young Andrew took. With his nuts destroyed and his vengeance ruined Test went back to drinking. While wasting his life away Test came across the second queerest thing he ever saw wearing a cowboy hat (Bradshaw being the first): Knuckles.
Test told the echidna that animals can’t drink booze and then stole his cowboy hat. Knuckles didn’t find this one bit funny and spin dashed Test through the nearest window. Test got back up and fought Knuckles. The battle ended in a draw and Knuckles saw a great warrior in Test. After a few rounds Test told Knuckles his dream of defeating the Maple Leafs and Knuckles agreed to train him. After two long years of collecting rings, running in halfpipes, and hopping on robot’s heads Test was ready to fight the Leafs. Too bad they got a new center named Carlos “crotch chopper” Santana who single handedly beat Test into submission with his patented nutcracker sweet. With three strikes against him Test decided to move on in his life and became a bouncer. During this job he met Motley Crue. They hired Test to be their body guard and film Tommy Lee banging Pam Anderson. When the Crue appeared on RAW he was there to kick the ass of any one that would be enough of a loser to attack this shitty band. Jim Ross saw Test’s 6’6 282 pound frame and knew he’d be a great wrestler. Ross told Test that size equals talent and training wasn’t necessary. After crippling several jobbers during dark matches with spin dashes and hockey stick shots to the spin; Ross explained that wrestling was fake to Andrew.
After being taught to fake fight by watching hundred of hours of Kevin Nash matches and TMNT 2, Test was ready for the big time. Test became a member of the Corporation and beat up many people. Then Test fell in love with the boss’s daughter: Stephanie McMahon.
They were in as much love as a whinny bitch and an Amish drunk could be. That is until there wedding day. During the ceremony HHH showed a video of Steph being knocked out and married to the Maple Leafs! Test went insane and stormed out with one thing on his mind: kill the Leafs. If Test would have stayed he would have found out that tape was a fake but Steph did get knocked out and married to HHH. Test tracked the Leafs down and one-by-one got his ass handed to him (those Leafs are a tough breed). He returned to the WWF in disgrace.
With his heart broken along with his ribs Test decide to fill the void with meaning less sex. But poor Andrew has no social skills so he came off as a rapist (see above). Trish Status felt sorry for him so she taught him how to get women: break dancing. You see women can’t resist a man that can bust a funky move. Oh, they’ll tell you that that’s bullshit but they’re lying. With his new fresh moves the women swarmed to Test.
Despite Test’s impressive size and being labeled a Hoss he wasn’t getting over with the crowd. When his break dancing got Stacy Keibler in the sack his prayers where answered. She came up with the idea to use his full nickname as his gimmick. So Test embraced his testicles and the crowd forever loved him.
