This week has been one bad thing after another. I've just been grumpy and no fun....so have the majority of people around me. Tuesday has been the worst (so far). Tuesday, somthing happened that I never ever expected to happen. My husband threatened me with physical violence for the first time. I was completely taken aback. I was so hurt and angry. What had happend was that I walked into the computer room and sat down at my computer. I could see that my husband had been working on both of our computers, he was playing a game on his and looking at the website to the game on mine for hints and quests and stuff. As I sat down he immediately turned around an leaned over me to access my mouse and said something like, "JUST WAIT! I'm doing something here", so as rude as he was I just sat there silently, waiting patiently. After about two minutes I felt a crick in my neck. I angled it to the left a bit and an audible "pop" was heard. He hates that, and I know he hates that...but I get terrible headaches at times, even migraines, and I know that to NOT pop it when it feels tight is to all but invite a headache in for a few hours...or days even. He said, "Stop that" in a nasty tone. I said, "No...my neck hurts and I'm going to pop it whether you like it or not. I'm not suffering in pain because of you" . I may have sounded snotty, but he and I have had this conversation before and I'm really, really tired of it. Then, in a very smooth and even tone he says, "Well, maybe I'll just smack the f*** out of you then". Stunned silence followed. Then I remembered our son was in the next room. I looked over at him (his face was totally blank) and said, 'Watch your language!" He said nothing, and continued leaning over me scrolling through the web page he was on. After about a minute I just got up and walked away. It's always distressing when I hit this point in a relationship, and believe me, I always do. Does he understand that he has crossed a threshold with me and we can never go back? Does he undertand that he has lost my unquestionable trust? Probably not. I know that he likes to be in control....and I hate being controlled, but I have sacrificed part of my total freedom to be safe & secure. I always thought he would protect me, even though he was controlling. That if I let him have his way & I didn't "rock the boat" TOO much that I would be taken care of to some degree....that I no longer had to worry. I truly felt physically safe with him, now that is gone. Now the wating begins. When will it happen? Today? Tomorrow? Next month? Next year? Will it even happen at all? Wednesday he kept trying to talk to me, and I kept trying to blow him off. I answered his questions, I was "civil", but I did not innitiate any converstaion at all. He asked me what my problem was and I replied that I was upset about "last night", his reply was, "Well, that doesn't mean you have to be mean to me." WTF?!?!?! Is he SERIOUS? Does he expect me to be NICE??? I'm at a loss. I love my husband, even though he is an ass....he does have SOME good qualities. But I know things will not be the same now....because I will not LET them be the same. He has to know that his behavior was completely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it AT ALL. I've let him control me long enough, and, quit frankly I'm sick of it. I'm nobody's puppet. He bitches about wanting me to be a strong woman like his mom and sister, but when I try and exercise any authority over myself what so ever I am belittled and torn down. I feel like an outsider, likes he truly never let me in. He all but worships his family, but I'm a second class citizen..... My husband is good with our son, his step-son actually. He can make him mind, he can CONTROL him, I cannot. As a former psychologist for troubled teens he's been able to straighten him out quit a bit. I probably would have had a nervous break-down by now. But he says things to him that I don't agree with, like, "I'm not going to adopt you now because of your behavior at school" or "If your behavior doesn't improve we're going to send you up to your father". He's telling him that he doesn't love and accept him for WHO HE IS...that he has to change and fit some sort of mold before he will be accepted. I guess that's what he's been trying to do with me all these years as well. Nothing I say is right, nothing I do is right. Example: One morning he came in from work and bitched that I hadn't cooked him any breakfast, and that after he's been out working all night risking his life (cop) that the least I could do was have breakfast ready for him. After one year of working nights he says this to me...as if I've been fixing breakfast everyday and all of a sudden forgot....I told him I never cooked breakfast for him because he usually comes in and goes straight to bed...and I'm going out the door. SO....the next morning he comes in and I have scrambled eggs with ham and biscuits ready for him and do you know what he had the nerve to say to me? "Why did you cook this big breakfast for me? I'm tired! I've been working all night! I don't want to eat this big breakfast and go to bed on that!". I just stared at him and started eating, then left for work without saying good-bye. There is no pleasing this man. He's even tried to control my religion. Now...he knew I was Wiccan when he married me, hell..he knew 17 years ago when he meet me that I was pagan!!! And he insists on putting a bloody cross on our mantle! He's not christian himself! But he says christianity is part of our culture and so we should show it. I told him that was a load of horse shit, that he was just doing it to make me angry. So I quit going on about it, eventually he'll forget about it and I can take it down. He keeps saying he hopes I forget about my "stupid" religion though, always belittling it. But he's never asked me to stop practicing, never asked me to get rid of my books or magickal tools....just to keep it all hidden from his family. Which I have no problem doing as I hide it from MY OWN family...and most definately my employer. As I work for the school system I would lose my job right away if they found out because ignorant, intollerant rural people just don't understand there there is more than thier one religion out there... He most definatley controls the finances. It's ok for him to spend money on junk (new video games, subscptions to online video games, junk food, magazines, gas to go out in the middle of the night for a COKE and CANDY BAR!)...but if I buy a bra I get the 3rd degree. He refuses to save any of our money for Zack's college education. He says if he wants to go to college he will have to go to the military and go that route. I'm fairly certain that if he was his flesh & blood that he would not force him to go that route. Even though I am working, my money is "nothing" , I don't make "any contribution" to our income. I'm not allowed to do anything without PERMISSION. Well, that is all changing RIGHT NOW. If I want to get a pedicure, I am going to get one! If I want to go to lunch with my friends...I'm going to lunch! If I want to buy a bra....I WILL DO IT. He can bitch and moan all he wants, from now on I'm not even going to respond. He will go on with his argument about how he is saving us money and it's "ok" for him to waste a little here and there because he knows the shape of our finances. I'm just going to ignore it all, it's all a load of CRAP! I know we don't really have any excess money, but I'm not going to deprive myself all the time when he doesn't bother to do so. He trys to control what I say and what I do...how I think. It's going to STOP. NOW. He can like it or kick me out...if I have to struggle as a single mom again, I will (Gods how I hate even the thought of that!). If he makes another threat against me I will give him an ultimatum. I have no money, I have no means of financial support, this is very frightening...but if I give an ultimatum I always stick to it. Last time I gave an ultimatum I lost everything, almost my child as well. I had to file bankruptcy. I cannot rent from anywhere because of the bankruptcy, I'd have to live in a shelter while I put myself on the waiting list of the local ghetto housing authority. My job doesn't provide enough income for one person to live off of, let alone two. It would be difficult to keep a job on my own as I'd miss alot of work becasue of taking my son to the psychiatrist for his meds and councilor for therapy.....The fear grows.... I know all about the cycle of violence, I've been caught in it's web my entire life in one form or another. I must be paying off a very large karmic debt. On the next page I have put some information about domestic violence for your information. )0( |
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| Thursday, June 16 |
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