2. You're expected by all to remain a virgin until the day you marry the [Greek] man of your dreams.
3. At some point in your young life, the king (your father) matches you up with a prince (someone's arrogant Greek son). Dontcha love metaphors?
4. You get yelled at for not watching your weight, but in the blink of an eye, Yiayia or your mother has filled up your plate -- unbeknowngst to you.
5. You know who Glykeria is.
6. Every year, you get dressed up in your imported 'horiotiko' outfit to dance in your church's Greek Festival...until you're 28.
7. Getting spat upon by old ladies just doesn't freak you out.
8. You have a difficult time explaining to your Americanaki friends that you can't go to the movies with them this weekend because you have to go on a GOYA retreat.
9. Your girl friends see the guys at your church and say to you, "He's soooo gorgeous! Can you set me up?" You turn around and throw up.
10. You go to Astoria just to buy Eon chocolate and Arahova feta from Titan (pronounced "teeh-tan", of course).
11. The owner of Stamatis saves Galactoputico for your family and gives your father a bottle of Greek wine around Christmas time because you go there so often, that you're "practically family."
12. The sight of a diner makes you sob uncontrollably.
13. You get pissed off when you hear xeni say that "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" is "just like MY family!" Pshh, okay...
14. You have heard enough about "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" already.
15. You know how it feels to dress in all white and stand on the altar in front of the whole church with a candle in your hands for hours at a time during holy week.
16. The altar boys hissing comments at you during the above mentioned procedure really doesn't help any.
17. Your parents were: Set up/met at church/married in some horio in Greece.
18. When you randomly come across another Greek, you're not surprised to learn that he/she is related to you or to koumbaro.
19. Cypriots don't count as Greeks.
20. If you ever brought home a Turk, you'd be disowned. Then given something to eat.
21. Greek Canadians...need I say more?
22. Your Yiayia considers herself modern when her list of ethnic groups suitable for marriage include "Greeks...and maybe Italians, if they convert."
23. When you meet Greek-Americans and ask where they're from, they automatically respond with the village from which their family emigrated.
24. Gotta love weddings...if you don't get hit in the eye with some flying plate fragment
(and a word of advice: Don't touch the money on the floor, unless you want some Yia yia to beat you senseless).
25. Every Greek woman you meet asks if you're married...even if you're only 15...and when you say "no," replies with: "ahh, I have a son/nephew/grandson for you!"
26. The church love triangle...soap opera, or just another Sunday?
27. Every Greek woman "discovered" the fragrance Romance by Ralph Lauren and "popularized" it.
28. Any Greek pop music more than four months old is considered "old stuff."
29. Eyebrow maintenance requires a full-time job.
30. You were born with the natural ability to hostess, waitress, and bartend...regardless of experience, skill, or your lack of balance...
31. You work at a diner, regardless of #30, and on your breaks you refuse to eat; instead, you sit with the other Greeks and play Tavli while drinking espresso and twirling around your koumboloui.
32. You're used to seeing portly Greek girls with unsightly bleach blonde hair and g-strings hanging out of tight black pants running around Astoria -- absolutely wasted.
33. Greek School -- always that one (or more) psychotic, eccentric teacher.
34. The concept of eating, dancing, eating more and dancing more is not new to you (see #24).
35. You own at least one piece of jewelry displaying the Greek Key (and get pissed when you see xeni wearing it).
36. At the NYC Greek Independence Day Parade (which you attend annually), it isn't uncommon to see friends from church make spectacles of themselves on top of high street lamps (waving the Greek flag and blowing out of a huge plastic horn), or to watch as that nice old lady who sits in the front pew at church (you know, the one who can't speak a word of english but always makes galactopudico for the festival) disappears down some random dark alley...
37. Your professors think: A. You smoke crack, or B. That you're in a cult, when you explain that you have to miss a few classes, the legitimate excuse being, "it's my Easter."
38. You have a tendency to correct anyone from a friend to a random stranger when they pronounce "Gyro" with a "G."
39. When they first see you, people think you're Puerto Rican...or Italian..or Jewish...anything but Greek (like it's a bad thing?)!
40. You constantly have to explain what it means to be Greek Orthodox..."I'm not Catholic, I'm Orthodox...No, I'm not Jewish, I'm Christian!"
41. It's not uncommon for someone in your family to have or have had a pet goat.
42. All your Greek friends (yourself included) have screennames and e-mail addresses that include something about your heritage...for example, GreekGirl, GrkGod, Zeus69, Athena04.
43. Everyone thinks you have some special bond with windex.
44. You like cursing out non-Greeks in Greek...a little too much...Malaka.
45. You are trained to become a Greek housewife from very young...by your early teens, you're already used to cooking, setting and clearing the table, washing the dishes, doing the laundry...it's an all-inclusive resume!
46. You did shots at your cousin's engagement party, at the Greek Festival, at Yiayia's funeral and at your great-grandmother's mimosino...but at your cousin's wedding, you got yelled at for drinking wine because "they're watching!"
47. You scorn fraternities and sororities for having the audacity to consider themselves "Greeks," then consider joining one.
48. You have to be serious with someone before you appear together publicly...and by serious, I mean engaged. You gotta watch those gossipping yiayiathes at church!
49. When the song "Kiss, Kiss" came out, no one believed you when you said that it was originally a Greek song. And you would turn up Despina Vandi's "Geia" and start singing along everytime...I mean, EVERYTIME it came on the radio.
50. Watching your female cousins do their hair back in the '80's was enough to give you nightmares for the rest of your life.
51. You're most afraid of your younger sisters marrying before you...ahhhh! The shame!!!
52. When those hot Summer months come, you always make Nescafe Frappe's for everyone...using your little plastic Nescafe Frappe brand shaker!
53. Chances are, there's a bouzouki in your house...and someone knows how to play it.
54. You have a koumboloui hanging from your car's rearview mirror. AND a subtle tribute to the Greek flag. And by subtle, I mean not at all.
55. People either ask you: a) where's the club, or b) who died, because you're always dressed in black pants, black designer tops, stiletto-heeled black boots, your black leather coat...
56. You always greet other Greeks by kissing them on both cheeks...but, of course, Americanaki find that weird.
57. You get very offended when people forget to wish you a Happy Nameday, (or fail to throw you a party complete with presents, for that matter).
58. If you weren't sick of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" by 14, you definitely are now!
59. You check out the guys at the cafeneons, who in turn make it obvious that they think you're hot by whistling and carrying on in Greek with their manga friends. If you're lucky, some greasy-haired winner with too much chest hair might even grab your ass.
60. When you come down with something (even a little cold), everyone blames it on the mati and Yiayia safety-pins the little eye to your underwear to ward off evil.
61. You are a walking-talking mobile gadgets store. God forbid you leave home without your pager or your cell phone!
62. You consider your heritage a separate race.
63. You have perfect hair...but complain it looks horrible, like all the time. But you know damn well it's amazing.
64. You roll your eyes at all the arrogant Greek men (cuz you aren't arrogant yourself or anything...)
65. Even in the middle of the Summer, when people compliment you on your tan, you respond politely with, "thank you, but this is my natural skin color."
66. You call soccer "football," and play hard-core Greek style, shouting out Greek obsenities as you collide with opponents to get the ball away.
67. You correct fraternity brothers and sorority sisters for their common mispronunciation of the entire Greek alphabet.
68. When you arrive at a party or a club, you always have to have an entrance. This usually consists of pausing at the door, looking around at your "constituants", and tossing your hair. When you're sure you have everyone's attention, you proceed to make your way through the party, an entourage of girlfriends following you. You make it your business to strut wherever you go, because you know you are the shit.
69. Even at American clubs, you dance as if the dj is playing tsifteteli, with your hands moving above your head like a professional bellydancer.
70. At Greek clubs, you have one goal: Find a decent guy to marry before someone else (female OR male) gets to him first!
71. When you were little and teachers completely butchered your name, you would blush with embarassment. Now, when people do the same thing, you correct them as if they are stupid. Of course they should know how to pronounce your entire name...Papachristomazoulakis, duh!
72. When dancing traditionally, you always wear a serious expression. And then laugh at how silly the boys look when dancing the Zembeikiko.
73. You're late for everything, but it just doesn't bother you.
74. When skanky guys try to pick you up, you either respond with: "I'm married," or "I don't speak English," followed by you walking away. It works every time.
75. Your boyfriend drives either a Bemve' (BMW) or a rather large SUV.
76. After 9/11, you were eyed suspiciously at airports, and often frisked at security. "Jeez, man, do I look Middle Eastern to you?"
77. You still wear the mati.
78. When Greece won the Euro Cup, you went crazy. People congratulate you for it, and you thank them, as if you had something to do with it.
79. When the Olympics "came home", you partied in Astoria every night. You were for the most part too drunk to even comprehend what was going on.
80. It's embarassing, but you know guys who claim to be part of the Greek Mafia...because it "does exist."
81. Americanaki claim they taste the same, but you know that Ouzo is really better than Sambucca.
82. When people from other countries (such as Australia) call you a "wog," which is relatively derogatory, you grin with pride.
83. You have an affinity for the colors blue and white.
84. You find that the term "Turk" (see #20) applies to not only Turks, but every non-Greek who you do not like.
85. You make it your business to let everyone know that you are Greek, and how cool you are because of it...to the point where you piss off your friends. Immensely. I mean, they're just about ready to kill you
Zhto h ellas, and God Bless America!
