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MELBOURNE STORM (Panthers) coach Chris Anderson slammed his team's 31-16 loss (Actually, we didn't even score a point) to the Bulldogs yesterday at Olympic Park, describing it as the worst performance he had seen during his time at the club. (Damn straight)

Speaking after the game, in which Melbourne threw away a golden chance to move into outright third on the NRL ladder, (Or at least get off the bottom) Anderson blasted his players, saying they would need a vast improvement to defend last year's title. (Actually, it was 2 years ago Chris)

"It was a fairly inept performance I thought, probably the worst performance we've put in the three years we've been here," (Is this the type of performance we have to show after three years???) Anderson said. "We got what we deserved, we were soft. We need to improve about 150 per cent." (I'd say more like 350% Chris, but right-on with the getting what we deserved part. And for some reason a pensioners poo comes to mind)

Anderson's side looked out of sorts against a committed Bulldogs, who dedicated their win to club icon, Peter Moore, who died on Wednesday night. The Bulldogs made the most of a succession of Storm handling errors and missed tackles to rack up 31 points and repel a short-lived Storm comeback in the second half. (I think the Panthers comeback was sometime during postmatch tinnies)

"Our defence in the first half was woeful. (In my opinion the entire game, Chris) We were totally disorganised and we were just nowhere near where we should be. It was one of those days where we should have stayed at home. We should have given the people our money back," (Not a word of a lie there Chris) said Anderson. "There isn't one bloke out there who can hold his hand up." (Apparently Paul "the Flying Dutchman" Tait can)

The loss caps off a terrible week for the club who lost star half-back Brett Kimmorley to the Northern Eagles. (Well, we have lost Angus St John this year) The Storm's misery was compounded by injuries to centre Tony Martin (neck) and five-eighth Tasea Lavea who are both likely to miss next week's match against the Eagles. (Injuries??? No excuses here)

The damage was done in the first half (or the first minute) with the Bulldogs leaving the field at the break with a 24-6 lead and the game in their hands. The Bulldogs exploited a lop-sided 10-3 error count in the first half to run in four tries to one. (Four to none) Three of those tries came down the Storm's suspect left defensive side (Appparently the suspect defence for the Panthers was in the form of the 7 blokes on the paddock) which was thrown into disarray by the late withdrawal of Martin, who re-injured a pinched nerve in his neck.

Martin's absence meant the Storm started on the back foot with makeshift centre Russell Bawden taking the field after the kick-off. Melbourne's defence out wide never settled after this early setback.

Two tries each to Bulldog winger Gavin Lester and centre Darren Smith all stemmed from distracted defence in this area. Smith's contentious second touchdown, that sealed the match for the Bulldogs, silenced a brief Melbourne comeback in the second half to widen the gap to 15 points.

For the Storm, however, the damage was done in the first 40 minutes. (Or as I said earlier, first one minute)

(Pretty woeful performance boys. The editor awarded no post-match tinnies for this effort, as you should be sipping Lattes instead of knocking back a few cold ones. Obviously you need to go back to the basics and learn how to play the game again. If this sort of performance comes my way again, rest assured that the editors comments will not be as tame)