| Western Canada Jokes |
| A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions. "Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?" The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way. The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English." ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of "Survivor" the popular TV show. The rules are simple. Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer,Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: I'm votin' for Chretien, I'm Gay and I'm here to Take your Guns. The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ When it's springtime in Saskatchewan, And the gentle breezes blow About seventy miles an hour And it's fifty-two below. You can tell you're in Saskatchewan 'cause the snow's up to your butt And you take a breath of springtime air And your nose holes both freeze shut. The weather here is wonderful So I guess I'll hang around I could never leave Saskatchewan My feet are frozen to the ground! _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ During a heavy snowstorm in Winnipeg, a farmer found a hat lying in his field. He picked it up and found beneath it the head of his neighbour, very much alive. �Wow!� exclaimed the farmer. �I�ll get a shovel and dig you out!� �You better bring a tractor,� was the response. �I�m sitting on a horse!� ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ [Just in case you're traveling to Saskatchewan, here is a list of rules that will be handed to everyone entering the province�] 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym. 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way. 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. 4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked... by our women. 5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot. 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. 8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon. 9. You bring Coke into my house you should bring rye along, and ice. 10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year. 11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. 12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. 13. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern, walleye, and pike, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop. 14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them. 15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church. 16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept? ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The National Transportation Safety Board recently conducted an extensive study with car maker Fords in installing black boxes in the dash board of 4x4 pickup trucks in order to determine the causes of traffic fatalites. They were surprised to find that in most provinces, 56.4% of driver's last words were "Oh Shit!" The lone exception was the province of Alberta where 83.7% said their last words "Hold my beer and watch this!" ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |