| All Other Canadian Jokes |
| There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes." So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish" 'FOOM' the oceans were full. The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in." 'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec. The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall." The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Paul Martin dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the gate and takes him on the grand tour. As Paul is walking around, he notices all these clocks with names above them on the wall. He sees Preston Manning's, Lucien Bouchard's, etc... and each clock is going at a different speed. Some a little faster than others. He's curious, so he asks St. Peter what all this is about. St. Peter tells him that each clock represents a person's life: "Every time someone tells a lie, their clock ticks of a minute of their life." John has seen the clocks of all the people he knows except one. So he asks St Peter, "I haven't seen Jean Chretien's clock. Where is it?" "Well," says St Peter. "God keeps Jean Chretien's clock in his office. He uses it as a fan." _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I pledge allegiance to the maple leaf Of the united provinces of Canada To the Federal Government For which it stands One nation, under hockey indivisible With back bacon and beer for all! _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar. The bartender says, Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you....... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised". _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there's a very simple answer...... Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta. All our dipsticks are in Ottawa. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Three men were traveling in Europe and happened to meet at a bar in London. One man was from England, one from France and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives. The guy from England began by saying: "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert." Then the man from France spoke up: "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries. The fellow from Canada was married to an enlightened woman from the prairies... He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye." ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame Chr�tien...] "Your husband has been such a prominent Canadian figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame Aline Chr�tien. A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer, and no one knew what to say next. Prime Minister Jean Chr�tien leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma petite, in hinglish dey pronounce dat word, 'appiness!". _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |