| Newfie and Maritime Jokes |
| Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A guy sees a Newfie walking down the street carrying a bag of fish. He walks over to the Newfie and says: "Hey Newfie, I bet I can guess how many fish you have in that bag. If I get it right, will you give me one of them?" And the Newfie says: "Heck, if you can guess how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give 'em both to you" _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A newfie calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!" The next day the RCMP descends on Billy Bob's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's.. "Hey Billy Bob, did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yep" "Did they chop all your firewood?" "Yep" "Happy Birthday Buddy!" ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Henry and Mike decide to leave Newfoundland and fly to Ontario. Before they leave, Henry's dad gives them a bit of advice: "You watch out for those Toronto cab drivers. If you give 'em an inch, they'll take a yard. They'll rob you blind. There's nothing you can do - except don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the airport in Toronto they hail a cab to take them to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says Henry. "And you'll only get fifteen from me too." Adds Mike. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ A Newfie went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99". Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go bye," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100." Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100." The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100." Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?" |