| "Dear Diary" Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here! Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here! Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada! Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here. Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough. Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole. Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice. Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head. Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November. May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads. May 10 - Moved back to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada! |
| DEAR DIARY... |
| An oldie, but a goodie...a funny look at how an American handles his first, and perhaps only Canadian winter |
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50 above-New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens. 40 above-Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe. 35 above-Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the window down. 32 above-Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. 20 above-Floridians wear coats, gloves and wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt. 15 above- Texans begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming. Zero- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook out before it gets cold. 10 below- People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flagpoles. 20 below- Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket. 40 below- Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos. 60 below- Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door. 80 below- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 100 below- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their earflaps. 173 below- Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs of beer. 297 below- Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 below- ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 below- Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup. |
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| CANADIAN THEMOMETRE CONVERSION CHART (All temps in Farenheit) |