"Yeah, but they all stopped laughing when you added almost 11 inches to your jumps and made All-State Basketball team that year. Then something just got into me Mike, I don't know, I just thought, "Well, I'm not gonna beat 'em, so I'll join 'em." That's when I started dating Jill Olson."
"Oh, man, Jill Olson..." Mike's eyes squeeze shut at the voluptuous memory. "Who didn't want to date her? Many tried but only a choice few succeeded. How'd you ever manage to nail such a choice piece of ass?"
"You know Mike, sometimes it just takes a gay man to tell a woman what she really wantto hear. All I did was compliment her shoes and she threw herself at me. Have you learned nothing from my tutelage?�
�More than you think buddy boy.� Mike replies sipping his beer.
I decide to continue...
�I know that a lot of people had already made up their minds about me. But when I started dating Jill, doors everywhere started opening. People that considered themselves friends of yours suddenly started saying hi as they passed by. They smiled at me. Talked to me. Laughed at my jokes. Invited me places. All of a sudden� I existed." They all may not have totally bought into it. In fact, I doubt any of them really did. But I think they respected me for at least trying."
He digests my words, swirling the last swig of his beer around the bottom of his glass.
"Mike, I'm not at all proud of the fact that I lived a lie to gain some friends, but it saved me from slicing my wrists or jumping on the L tracks which I was ready to do. And look at the friendship that came out of it. If I had it to do all over, as long as you were still part of the bargain, I wouldn't change a thing."
I notice the crowd has turned and I check my watch. "Well it's almost seven, you think we should head over to the office?"
Mike downs the last of his beer. "We'll leave when you answer my question." He locks his eyes on me again, the overhead lamp turning those hot-blue beacons on and flashing them directly into me. He continues very quietly and intently; "Grayce, you're not fifteen anymore and nobody is asking you to fuck anybody for respect, sure as hell not me. So now, how's about you giving me an answer? Why do you do it Grayce? Now that you�re a man and can do whatever you want, why do you still want to spend all of your time playing the game with me?�
Do I tell him the truth and risk the possibility of changing our friendship forever, or do I lie to keep things exactly as they are? Deciding it's not much of a decision; I look directly into his eyes, and go on...
"Because, Michael... Because, I love you with every bit of my heart." The moment I say it, I discover tears flowing freely down my face. "I love you as my best friend, I love you like a brother and I think... that I may even love you more than that. But I know how totally unfair it would be would to put those feelings on you and make you try to deal with them. After six years of friendship, I know you care a lot about me but I realize that's all I'm entitled to." In an effort to pull myself together I try to pull a napkin out of the dispenser but they all pop out, spilling, like my tears, all over the table.
"The reason I never talk about anybody special Mike, is because one of the biggest disappointments in my life so far is that I've never met a guy that has even come close to comparing to you." I can see this statement visibly moves him but he still does not break the connection. I hurtle forward, his eyes willing the truth from me. "I spend every date asking myself, 'Am I having as much fun as you and I do?' Am I as relaxed and comfortable as I am with you?' Is he making me feel the same way inside as you do?' And the answer is always 'No.�
The tears continue worse than ever. Despite my embarrassing display, he never once stops touching me with his eyes.
"Mike, think about this: When you come into my world, when I take you to the ballet, or the symphony, or some charity event, you're glad to share my company but when I come into your world it's a different story. I've never seen you so happy as when I'm there cheering you on at a football game, or when we're kicking ass on the hockey rink, or out raising hell on a double date."
He's thinking about what I've just said, realizing I'm right.
"You just said yourself we do everything except fuck each other. Well, when I'm with you and you're letting me, no, making me watch you fuck some girl in the back seat of your car or in a bathroom stall at Vortex, I really believe that's about as close to you as I can possibly get without touching you. And I believe that you actually want me that close. That's why I let you fuck with me like that Mike. Because more than anything in this world I want to be that close to you and I suspect that you feel the same way too. You�re asking me why after all these years I still let you fuck with me but I could just as easily be asking you the very same question Mike."
He gets up suddenly and heads towards the front door. Oh my God! What have I done? I think to myself in shock as he walks away. It's over and I killed it. Just like that. How could I have been such a fucking idiot? I put my head down into my hands as the next few weeks of my life flash before me; the packing my belongings in forced silence, the hunt for a new apartment, the awkwardness at work, the explaining to our friends why we are no longer buddies...
"Dude, I just paid the tab, you ready to go?" He stands at the head of the booth, smiling wide, throwing bills on the table for the tip.
"Man, you're a fucking asshole Mike..."
"I had you going there for a minute didn't I?"
"No, you did not."
"The fuck I didn't!"
The argument continues out the door and down the street.
