"You're not so bad off yourself Mike. Danna is a really special girl. Seems like she really likes you. Not to mention the fact that she's fucking gorgeous."
"You think so?" he asks grinning. There's that look again. "I guess I am pretty lucky. He says suddenly shifting moods. "I never realized how much I take for granted Grayce." He almost sounds sad as he says it.
We lapse into the second silence of the evening but for the first time ever, this one is palpably uncomfortable.
"I've been thinking about what you said."
"Look, Mike I'm sorry, I never�"
"There's nothing to be sorry about Grayce. I asked you to be honest with me and you were. You're my best buddy. You think I'm gonna hate you for telling me the truth? He pauses to draw on his cigar. Blowing a stream of blue smoke into the night, he focuses on the appearing stars, pauses, and then says; "Grayce, buddy� did you really think that I haven't known how you've felt about me all this time?"
I suddenly feel very queasy, realizing how transparent I've actually been. How long have I been this way?
"I probably knew even before you did."
His admission sends my head spinning. Suddenly, I'm stripped nude in the town square for all to see... Never have I felt so vulnerable, so stupid.
"Like I said about taking things for granted, one of those things is you Grayce. I've been letting you follow me around through every part of my life like a puppy dog, knowing how you've felt about me the whole time. If anyone needs to apologize, it's me. I've been too afraid to admit to myself what I feel for you 'cause I was too busy being a stud. But what's the point of being a man if you can't be straight up about what you feel? It's taken me a long time to figure it out, but one of the most important things I've learned from you is I don't have to be ashamed of what I feel about anything. Fuck what people think."
My heart feels like a giant open void being filled with his words.
"I've never loved another guy in my entire life Grayce... not even my dad. I didn't even think I could love another guy that is, until I met you. I do love you. I've known it for a long time.
He looks directly at me but I can�t look back�
�And I don't mean just as a friend or brother.�
He lets out a long breath.
"There. I said it. I actually said it. That wasn't so bad. But 'ya know, there's just one problem with all this."
"You're not gay." I offer quietly.
"Exactamundo buddy." The stars continue to come out, one after another. Mike gives each one his attention as he smokes his cigar and goes on...
"I can't love you the same way you love me Grayce. I feel the same way you do but I can't do what you want me to do about it. I could never give up women completely and settle down for a life with just you. No matter how much you hide it, you're a hopeless romantic. You want a white knight to sweep you up off your feet and set you up in a condo on Michigan Avenue with a white picket fence. I could never be that guy for you Grayce. I just cant.�
For the second time tonight, I'm fighting to hold back tears and losing desperately. He puts his arm around my shoulder and continues...
"Look buddy, please cut the waterworks will 'ya? I've been thinking a lot about what we have together and I think I've come up with a way that we can both be happy."
He leans closer and whispers softly; "You're gonna come all the way into my world tonight Gray-boy. I'm gonna be your guide."
"Here you go boys, just what we needed!"
Before I can fully comprehend what Mike was talking about, Kerry returns through the sliding glass door with a bottle of Black Label in one hand and three shot glasses in the other. Mike immediately removes his arm from me but not before Kerry can make a quick assumption about what may or may not have been going on. He pours us each a shot. "So," Kerry asks, "Who's gonna make a toast?"
"I will." Mike pipes up. "To your new home," he motions to Kerry. "And to mine." he says directly to me with that look.
We down our shot and Kerry pours us another. He pauses to re-light his cigar. "So," he asks, with a new tone in his voice I haven't heard yet, "how long have you two known each other?"
* * * * *
The party is in full swing and I find myself cornered by Harnick's wife Evelyn, a cheek pinching schmata who after six martinis has suddenly found me irresistible. Just as I'm wondering how I will ever tactfully extricate myself from this fresh hell, Kerry walks by. "Hey Connors, you got a phone call holding." he says as he continues on his way.
"Thanks." I reply gratefully. Making my exit from Mrs. Harnick, I quickly weave through the crowds towards the back where it's quieter, enter one of the paralegal offices and pick up the flashing line.
