How many times did I go through class, did I go through performances, did I watch other dancers wondering what it would be like to feel as secure, cared for and safe as I make my partner feel when I dance with her? Could I ever once trade places and always have someone�s strong arms around me to steady me, balance me... find my center? Could I throw myself into a lift and really FLY, secure in the knowledge that he�ll see to it I never touch the ground? How different would it be if someone�s hand were always outstretched to me?
"Connors, I�ve watched you partner so many girls here and... I mean... I really envy you �cause you�re the best partner here, and, so... like... I�ve worked really hard but then I see you and Katia together and you guys are perfect. You look so beautiful and all I want is to look as good as you do so I�ve been taking all the pas-de-deux classes and practicing with the girls after the Saturday class and so... well... I just... lately I... I mean I always wanted to know what the other side of the coin would be like you know? I really envy you Connors, but sometimes, I�m jealous of Katia too...
I look at him for a minute longer �cause for the second time today I can�t think of anything to say.
"I mean... Shit. I sound like... Dude, I dunno what I sound like. Do you know what I mean?"
I nod silently. "Let�s start again."
I walk back to rewind the tape.
"You want me to mark it?" Clark asks nervously.
I feel as though everything depends on my answer.
"No Clark. You do it full out... if you want."
Before we begin, I flip the breaker on the wall and the stage lights come on. I turn off the fluorescent lights and now we are both bathed in hues of wheat and bastard amber. The music begins again.
I offer him my hand and he takes it as he strikes his attitude pose. Our eyes lock as I promenade him around. We dance as the music moves us to, he jumps and soars in a lift high overhead, he turns and I center him close to me with my hands around his waist, he balances and I am there right behind him, underneath him, aside him...
It�s happening.
That passion that just happens when you dance and we�re both caught or maybe we�re holding it but either way it�s there and it�s happening and we both know it so we keep dancing and dancing very much unsure of what�s coming...
I bring Clark down from a lift facing me. Our eyes still locked, he takes my hands, pulls me down to him and kisses me. This time however, I know exactly what to do...
There is much more music, but this is as far as we get through the choreography. Hearing the music and feeling his kiss I suddenly wonder, did he know before I touched him? Before we danced? Did I even know?
Onstage, in the half-light, Clark and I make love and all I hear throughout are a few whispered words and the music of Mendelssohn. But all I ever see is not the piercing green from the eyes in front of me, but a
hand outstretched to me promising me, my dream of lightness.
* * * * *
I can still hear that music echoing around the walls along with the laughter, the applause and the tears. I feel a little as though I were attending the wake of a best friend. The body looks like the loved one, but yet it really isn�t them, just an empty shell, a completely useless vessel. That�s how this building now feels to me and it almost brings me to tears.
Steph lost the school in a nasty divorce war almost a year to the day. I had already been accepted at the Pacific school by then and by the time I made it into the company a year later the school was sold to developers to make way for luxury condos. The local historical society however had preservation ideas and the legal battle to save the building from the wrecking ball kept the building sitting empty and deteriorating for almost seven years.
Clark joined me at Pacific and had a promising career until he decided he wanted to have a family and found some girl to get pregnant. Last time I spoke to him he was managing a Starbucks.
I never lost my irreverent sense of humor of course but I came to realize that it wasn�t all I had to offer. The shield I used to hide behind to face a world that was hostile to anyone different turned out to be completely unnecessary. (Ironically, my straight friend Michael would also teach me not to sell myself so short. But that�s another story�)
I suddenly feel a warm hand on my shoulder.
"You ready babe?"
I don�t really know if I�m ready. I feel as though I want to take something from the building with me, to remember it by. But then I realize, I already have.
I sigh heavily and my man wraps his arms around me. I get an idea...
"One last lift?" I say as I turn around grinning like a fool.
"O.K., but if I drop you into a pile of rubble you�ll have to cancel your performance of Dream tonight."
