Beware the jubjub bird, and shun the frumious Bandersnatch!

Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll -

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One two! One two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Some of these poems and ramblings are new, and some are old.
I just wanted a stage to set my thoughts upon.
It's a way to share pieces of yourself with the world.
I care not whether they are judged well or ill.
They are mine to love and hate alone.
If you connect at all then maybe you can understand.
If not- then nothings harmed

The Frost:

I feel the darkness around you-
like a blanket of ice crystals.
They are small, blue and frothy;
Surrounding the aura of your harsh words.

Darkness latches onto the soul that yearns.
It's easier to cling than sunlight can catch.
Foulness combines with bitterness;
Concocting a brew of listless disgust

What should make you introspect,
doesn’t seem to take affect
The comfort of connection,
has left you numb and dense

You’ve been betrayed my friend
Everyone has in their own sick way
People come, and people flee
They leave you alone to follow their own dreams

Trust is hard to find
Brightness chokes and fails to shine
Hold on my dear
The sweetness of life is there

You can be told ‘til you’re pink in the face
The angst inside you burns with disbelief
EVERYONE is fucking worth something
Damn the ones who’ve said ANYTHING,
To steer you from that truth

Solace:

Dig the blade a bit deeper, amiss my psyche
Irrigate the dirty slit, festering nightly
Fount the blood that pours with fervor
Dissect the veins to recognize my kingdom come

Lumina reflects the garish shadows;
Bringing forth the fluffy, iridescent meadows
Flip and dissipate the complication;
Condense into a puddle brimmed with gaseous augmentation

Horror of all utter unfair terrors;
Shuddering infectiously around a blotch-less wound
Coddle the fiend disregarding the intricacies of this mesh;
Collectively woven via the rising and falling of a million millennial moons

Wicked hopes transcend into the reality we owe our sanity
Fearless meager beginnings dissolve into a blush of catastrophe
Winding around inside the sick catacombs of our inner bindings;
Yearning to defy the world the fates have thrust unjustly

Bags of bones are all that’s left of all we beat over
Flesh continually consuming love ailed mentalities
Convalescent fantasies spit forth into the void;
Relieving all this melancholy, fleeing out life’s gilded doors

Absolve myself of all these threats upon my willful soul
Thrust into this wicker brain an amorous vibe unsung
Lingering tingles of passion remain despite the dampened loll;
Depicted in my memory as selfless worldly aches I’ve sinned for

Pray tell my higher power, of what you’d have me do?
For years they still demand of me attention if they choose
Sorrowful handles of speechless communication;
Dissipates the reason for my pain and degradation

Better be the martyr and the seasoned drama actor
This stage we set our feet upon is given without candor
Breathe my lines repeatedly with undemanding fire
Weep the tears of smelling salts and smile just like the jester

Sinister acts are curses unto God, dependent on his slander
Fantasize my worldly prize to spite my aching chasm
Finalize the tingle in my amply simplistic methodology
My candle lit fairy land unbinds me; though my heart cannot be silenced

Emotionally masochistic; deems my inner voice..
Finding joy within such pain seems sensationalistic and abhorrent
Smile the smirk you form at night when nobody is peeking
Laugh despite the hurt that writhes with parallel perception dealing

Sigh again in light of things that spew against the trickle
Find your way to fight the chill and lonely wordless seething
Peace is settled in my knowledge that the world is fickle
Giddy crass-like undertones will linger through the evening

It’s all being settled now, as marred flip flop wings drift slowly
Hang on for our destiny; while drinking in this moment
Time will only tell the connective cords of electric swells;
And whether the unknown will reveal and validate this endless sting;
With solace…

Freedom:

I thought I’d lost everything;
Struggled with demons till dawn
Fear was my rapist once more

Words of the crazy girl
Song of the nightingale
Cryptic articulate words

Lullaby come sweetly
Psychosis completes me
I’m finally ready for free

Maybe:

Close my eyes to envision a forever spacious
Vivid visualization of futuristic flighty movements
Colors shift and blur within my fuzzy drugless apparition

I’m searching through my able intuitions to find;
Life can be quite beautiful and grandiosely kind,
If only I’d accept the fact I finally have my freedom

I don’t yearn for anything other than what dharma has planned
Translucent decisions seems to congregate and feast;
On the moves I am making, towards the urge that breathes

Walking in the dark night, towards a lonely shrine
Standing in a doorway, that calls me from the inside
Do I wish to keep stumbling around, nursing love-struck ache?

Listless singing keeps my throbbing company
Artistic hums of vent-less use are uttered forth to comfort;
Distracting the nervous outcast who’s refusing foul possession

The right thing will lead to enlightenment of self
Deprive your body of that which you need,
And divulge on other humanistic weaknesses

Resolve to be the better of women-kind
After all you’ve had this syndrome since the birth of your time;
This idealistic weakness for falling on your knees

And maybe if you pray and sing to the heavens long enough;
After hearing no a thousand times, again..
Just maybe, you’ll find another soul who’s touched like that one’s been

Numbness:

Give me back my numbness;
My blanket of apathetic security
A sea of endless blankness;
Staring at an uneventful screen

It was lonely there without light;
But at least I was somewhat free
The darkness calmed and soothed
It’s echo cold, yet serene

Born with a brain that cannot process;
The thoughts and ideas of everyday people
Countless struggles and dramatic entangles’
Paranoia combines with neurosis to jab me

Enclosed coma of shallow keys;
Locked up my passion and unsightly needs
Poke my head to feel the glitter;
Burn my eyes and nose with sneezes

If I had given up before, and gone to my dungeon;
Maybe this heartache would never have rumbled
I’m the toy of Mab, the weaver of dreams
She fondles, stretches, and leaves me in pieces

Should I step back and completely disconnect? Again?
I’ve only wept a few times this time, fevered and ached just a little
I’ve kept inside a lot of how I feel, because I don’t think I have the right;
To want something I never had, but brushed against lightly in a fleeting lie

Damn the strings that hold our misery
Only the crazy people feel such bouts of torture and neurosis
Psychotic expectations of grander are for the daft;
Only bringing lifted brows and whispers from the white coat staff

I wish I wanted something else;
My hope is lingering in the recess of my being;
Hiding from the realism the rest of me is seeing
Moving it’s eyes away from being greeted

Hold the hand of pure devotion
Pray to heaven that it won’t be jaded by my phobia
Straighten your thoughts to lessen the jitters
Assure the thing that’s important, not what’s uncertain

Untitled

I’ve cried my tears before
I’ve laid down clinging the backs of my arms
Not understanding the ache that writhed
everything in those moments flashed
like some psychotic drama film
The outside world closed
the moon turned to blood
That pain kept my limbs animated
It kept me going
I used to think only love could feel like this
that tearing within my inner walls
when your guts wrap around each other
and the thought of any other nourishment burns
unattainable contentment
hope being allowed to rein
without cautious protection
impossibly yearning for complication
The stars no longer shine with the same luster
My eyes are dry
I’ve been sober recently
the twelve-step program did its intended deed
The naïveté of love when you’re young
that undying fire and need to love
and be loved
not even loved back
but not thrown aside
not taken for granted
or teased
not played with
like a toy that’s lost it’s novelty
simply wanting your love to be worthy
accepted and appreciated
treasured as if it’s the most precious gift
your inner most soul can bestow
you’re left missing the passion
that lustful need to arch your back on cotton sheets
devouring their lips and tongue
looking into the eyes of someone you’ve let inside of you
for those precious few moments having hold of flesh and bone
exchanging breath
exchanging fluid, salt and smell
it doesn’t have to be immaculate
to have it be absorbed
loved for what it is
even though these moments fade
into memories
leaving you lost and lonesome
empty and without
sometimes bleeding after the departure
it slips away into the moments of our existence
Maybe one day you’ll feel that way again
you miss it so deeply
you ache for the day your heart and head will accept such emotion
That the walls of past hurt will flood open with healing light
It’s all so romantic
But romance has died for you in some forms
Numbness sings you sad songs in your dreams
It tells you it’s the key to everything
it will protect this hallow heart you hold inside
It will hush the complicated neurosis you have so thrived on
Heady and drunk on your own delusional tears
That was then and this is now
Maybe someday you’ll fight your way into the middle
you’ll have your cake and eat it too
and be happy with the frosting smeared on your face
even laugh at yourself despite it all
Silly girl that you’ve been for too long
not yet an adult
but trapped in a body and mind
that’s been thrust into a grown up world
there is no real conclusion to this confusion
you’ve time or you don’t to learn
and live
It’s that simple in it’s complexity
maybe and sometimes still linger
and perhaps that’s not such a bad thing

Complication

You can only handle-
so much complication
Until everything
Falls apart
slowly your soul depletes
along with the energy
It used to thrive on
hope is dashed into this vortex-
of hate and uncertainty
all the things you once imaged
Become real before they fizzle out
you cease to breathe
In the same normal patterns
Everything falls away
cryptic as it all sounds;
it makes perfect sense
When the lullaby becomes sweeter
the fantasy becomes clearer
As the delusional fog rises
away from the concrete
vacant
frozen
unnoticed in the grand scheme
Unseen beyond this shell
This female meat
freedom nudges-
Claims independent weakness
held in a heart
That doesn't want to feel-
Anything
Any longer

Full moon in Pisces

The air is cool
It calms the whirl
The pinch of pain
They say it’s time for death
death of nature
so that it can be reborn
bitterness for reality
is swimming in my heart
I don’t hate anyone
I don’t rage against life
It is this way
It fades
And becomes light again
Tears fall unintentionally
I can’t regret
There is no use
It was so keen
It was so true
It was a daydream
but real
Because I made it so
I didn’t allow it to be
anything else
than what it was
Cycle of life
and death
things must end
as surely as they’ve begun
how else can we keep going
how else can life move on
It hurts
But it’s no ones fault
not even my own
because such things
are meant
why can’t I stay numb though?
Why does the pain
always come after the pleasure
is it some sick twisted punishment
do we have to pay for our happiness
even if the substance is so small
have we learned to appreciate
every rare joy so intensely
that the longing
the burning ache
is more concentrated
when its ripped away?
I don’t know
and I don’t know if I’ll ever know
is this making me smarter
is this making me stronger
or is it just making me more numb
more bitter at nothing
because nothing is the cause
nothing but living
nothing but feeling alive

Thoughts

look up to the midnight sky
scream through the silence
wake to the music of my unsettling dreams
thought I'd found my soul
drown in the bottom of my fears
I thought I saw the twilight
breeze of warm moist air
settle all my trembling
calm the voices in my head
not quite sure where I'm going
or what I'm searching for
I used to have such lust for life
now this empty feeling claws
used to seem so simple
the beating of a heart
aching even through this bliss
of hope that’s torn apart
falling soft and sweetly through
the chilling evening mist
stumbling through these empty streets
left alone with all these thoughts

For Some

For some its an accent and hands that heal
For some it’s a bottle in a bar with a thousand names
For some it’s a song that tears them apart
For some it’s the god they seek and never truly find

We all have our sparks to nourish
Our lives to live
Our dreams to feed-
Our egos to preen

For some it’s poetry
For some it’s alchemy
For some it’s jaded things
For some it’s just waking

Everything is nothing
There is too much of not enough
Shallow glimmers of maybe
Cling to an evasive unknown need within us all

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