and says, "That�s the one I'd get." At which point a Cyclops walks round the corner and kicks his head in.
What's green, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?
A pool table.
Do you want to hear the joke about the bed?
Well you can't, because it hasn't been made yet.
What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?
Pat.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Paddy and Murphy were sitting on a kerb, Paddy fell off
A man walks into a vet and the vet said ow (cred Dave Kirkham)
What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
Robin, get in the car (cred Dave Kirkham)
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.
So Happy got up and left.