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FF7 News ©Shadowphoenix 2000-2001 |
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FF VII KiDs This is a very bizarre fanfic about…. uhh…weird stuff. In this fic, Cloud, Zack, Hojo, Vincent, Luccresia (sp?), and Sephiroth are all children of Jenova ( cuz they got Jenova cells in themselves. ) ::At Jenova’s house:: ::Cloud, Zack, and Sephiroth are having a strangely bloody pillow fight.:: ::Vincent is sleeping:: ::Hojo is operating on Red, Jenova’s dog/cat thing, who is running around the house breaking everything:: Jenova: ::extremely stressed out due to all the chaos:: All right children, it’s time to go to the park and play! Everyone but Zack and Vincent (who are unconscience): YAY!!!!! ::At the park:: ::Queers in black cloaks run up to Sephiroth:: Queers: Hi Sephiroth! Sephiroth: Hey guys! Queers: What are we going to do today Mr. Cool? Sephiroth: Hmm….. I KNOW! Let’s go pick on my dorky brothers! Queers: Yay! ::At the teeter-totter:: ::Vincent’s sitting at one end:: ::Luccresia walks by:: Vincent: Hi Luccresia. Wanna play on the teeter-totter? Luccresia: Eww!! Not with YOU!!! You’re a freaky monster! I’d rather play with Hojo!! Vincent:…… Vincent:….(sniff)……nobody likes me…..(sniff) ::Vincent sulks on the teeter-totter:: ::Meanwhile, at Tifa’s lemonade stand; The 7th Lemon:: ::Reno and Rude are drinking lemonade:: ::Rude’s drunk:: Reno: Dude! How can you get drunk by drinking lemonade? Rude: I dunno……(hic!) Tifa: Rude’s very "special." ::continues to eat her teriyaki chicken:: ::Reno looks at her food, then at her:: Reno: Dude! Where’d you get that food? I thought this was only a lemonade stand! Tifa: Uncle Barret’s our chef. He’s helping me attract more customers in order to increase our stock value at to boost our profits. ::Rude smiles:: Rude: I like it when theee talkthh that way… Barret : Hello children. Reno and Rude: Hey Barret. (hic!) Barret: How are you guy doing? Reno: Bad. Barret: Bad? Why bad? Reno: Rude and I are trying to have a farting contest, but we don't have enough gas. Barret: Is that your problem? Here then. Eat these beans. They'll help a lot. Tifa: Uh...Uncle Barret? That isn't quite necessary..... ::Barret gives them some beans:: ::They start eating beans and chugging lemonade:: Reno and Rude: Heh heh heh. Alright! ( hic!) Tifa: Oh no..... ::Not too far away:: Cloud: Hey Zack, let’s go play some basketball. Zack: No thanks. I’m gonna try to talk to her again. Cloud: Oh-no! Not again! Zack: Maybe this time I won’t vomit when she talks to me. Cloud: Well, here. Take this. Y’know…just in case. ::Cloud hands Zack an Air-Sickness bag:: Zack: thanks. ::Zack leaves:: Cloud: Gee…I wish I had a girl friend… ::Leaves in other direction:: ::Somewhere….over the rainbow…(can’t help myself):: ::Hojo is removing a squirrel’s "tumor":: Hojo: Don’t worry Mr. squirrel! I’ll save you! ::Rips something out of the squirrel:: ::Blood spews everywhere:: ::Squirrel explodes:: Hojo: DAMN! I couldn’t save him! oh well. ::Throws squirrel in trash can:: ::Wipes blood on his lab coat:: Hojo: gotta be sterile, y’know. ::Luccresia walks by:: Luccresia: Hi Hojo. Hojo: Hey Luke. Luccresia: Whatcha doin’? Hojo: I was experimenting on a squirrel, but it died. Want to help me look for another test subject? Luccresia: Sure Dr. Hojo! Hojo: Heh, I like the sound of that.. ::Hojo and Luccresia walk away together:: ::In a place that looks pretty:: ::Aerith is admiring the beauty of nature:: Aerith: (Ahh…. It sure is lovely today) ::Smiles:: ::Zack walks up to her but stops about four feet away:: Zack: uh…H-hi Aerith… ::Turns to look at Zack and walks up to him:: Aerith: Hello Zack. Zack: ... ::Zack turns to a lovely shade of puke green:: Aerith: Zack, are you okay? (Oh-no…he’d better not vomit on me again…) ::Touches his shoulder:: ::Zack turns blue, then purple, then red:: Aerith: Hee hee hee. You remind me of a chameleon, Zack. ::Zack weakly smiles:: Zack: Heh, heh…..um…Aerith…would you like to walk around the park with me? Aerith: Sure, I’d love to. ::Back at the 7th Lemon:: Reno: Ey, dude! I’m not thirsty anymore! Whattayawantado now? Rude: ……meat, …cheese, …cheese, …meat, …cheese, …meat, …cheese….(hic!) Reno: Dude! Pay attention! ::Rude starts singing softly, but, terribly out of tune:: Rude: I belive I can fly…
::Rude suddenly starts to pay attention:: Rude: Yethh! Lethh thearch for treathure…!!(hic!) ::Both stare at each other:: ::Both fart at the exact same time:: Reno and Rude: Ha ha ha ha ha!!!! (hic!) Tifa: (Oh God…why do my regular customers have to be a bunch of drunk bastards??) ::Cloud walks by:: ::Cloud takes a seat:: Cloud: Hi. I’d like a glass please. ::Tifa smiles at Cloud:: Tifa: Sure! That’ll be 5 gil. Cloud: 5 gil? The sign says 10. Tifa: Oh, you’re so honest, but I’m giving you a discount! Cloud: Huh? Really???…but why? Tifa: ‘Cuz I like you, and I think you’re really cute. ::Cloud blushes and smiles:: Cloud: R-really? ::Rude whispers something to Reno:: Rude: I wish she’d thhay that to me. (hic.) ::About to drink the lemonade when Jenova suddenly yanks him away.:: Jenova: Don’t drink that my baby! Keep away from that devil child, you hear?? ::She points at Tifa:: Cloud: B-but Mom… Jenova: DON’T TALK BACK TO ME YOUNG MAN!! Cloud: ….. ::Jenova drags Cloud away:: ::Tifa looks really sad:: Tifa: Ohh… ::Reno puts his hand on Tifa’s shoulder:: Reno: Don’t worry, Tifa. We’ll always be with you! Tifa: EEEEEEEK!!!!!! NO!!! IT CAN’T BE TRUE!!!! WAHHHH!!!! ::Vincent is still sulking at the teeter-totter:: Vincent: Everyone hates me…They think I’m a monster…(sniff.) ::Yuffie walks up to Vincent:: Yuffie: Aww…cheer up. I’ll play with you on the teeter-totter. Vincent: Hmm? Really? ..Aren’t a little too light though? Yuffie: Of course not! ::Vincent stands up to let the other end fall down:: ::Yuffie gets on the other end:: Vincent: Hmm.. It’s too high… ::Vincent jumps onto his end, but poor Yuffie is catapulted into the distance:: Yuffie: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK………!!!!!! Vincent: Damn….. ::Near by:: ::Yuffie lands between Hojo and Luccresia:: Luccresia: Whoa!! Hojo: Alright! Just what the doctor ordered! A test subject to experiment on! Luccresia: Yay! ::Zack, Aerith, and Red are walking through the park:: ::For some reason, Red has chicken leg sewn onto his head and has five asses:: ::Zack spots the 7th Lemon in the distance:: Zack: Hey, Aerith, want some lemonade? Aerith: Sure. (Hmm…I used to think Zack was a total dork, but now, he seems pretty cool.) Red: Yipes!! ::Red dives into some bushes:: Aerith: What’s wrong with him? Zack: Oh, he probably want to go to the bathroom. This’ll take a while since he’s got five asses. Aerith: (Gasp!) Who’s that?!? Zack: OH SHIT! It’s Sephiroth!! ::Sephiroth walks up to them, along with his queer friends:: Sephiroth: I’ve been looking for you Zack. ::Looks at Aerith:: Sephiroth: My, my…she’s a pretty one you have there. Give her to me. ::Aerith hides behind Zack:: Zack: Leave us alone, Sephiroth. Sephiroth: Give her to me or… ::Pulls out Masamune:: Sephiroth: ..I’ll get her anyway. Aerith: Oh, Zack, please don’t fight him! Aerith: I’ll go with you Sephiroth. Zack: No! Don’t! Sephiroth very dangerous! I can’t let you! ::Zack pulls out the Buster Sword:: Aerith: No, Zack! Please!! ::Sephiroth instantly kills Zack:: ::Anime sweat drop:: Sephiroth: Uhh.. whoops. I was supposed to just hurt him. Red: Oh my God!! They killed Zack! Aerith: YOU BASTARD!!! ::Kicks Sephiroth in the stomach:: ::Aerith runs away, crying:: ::Red’s chicken leg pokes Sephiroth in the eye as he follows Aerith:: ::Sephiroth is extremely embarrassed:: Queers: Aww.. she’s not good enough for you anyway. Sephiroth: SHUT UP!! ::Clenches fist in rage:: Sephiroth: I WILL win her heart! She will be mine and no one else’s! And if she refuses, I’ll kill her too!!! Queers: Yeah! You go Sephiroth!! ::Vincent seems to have stopped sulking:: Vincent: oww… my legs are sore from crouching down so long. Vincent: I think I’ll go walk around and think about philosophy now. ::Gets up and walks away:: :::Back at the 7th Lemon:: Tifa: Man! This bites! You guys keep scaring away all the customers!! I can't even get a decent boy freind anymore!! I should probably quit this stupid job! But.....I need the money! Wait a second....You guys are my only source of money. How the Hell can you have some much money?? Reno: Uh...I dunno. ::Rude farts:: ::Reno farts:: Reno: DUDE! That was awesome! Tifa: Oh God...... ::Somewhere else in the park:: Hojo: Hmmm…The experiment went very well. I’m surprised. Luccresia: What’s there to be surprised about? You’re a great scientist. Hojo: Heh, heh. Luccresia: But do you think that weird chunk of metal will stay on her arm? Hojo: Let’s hope so. ::Yuffie slowly opens her eyes:: Yuffie: U-uhh? Luccresia: LOOK! She’s waking up! ::Yuffie looks at her arm:: Yuffie: EEEK!! I’M A MONSTER!!!!! ::Steals Hojo’s Ragnorok sword and runs away:: Hojo: Hey, that bitch stole my surgery knife!! ::At another pretty place in the park:: ::Cloud walks up to Aerith:: Cloud: Hey Aerith. Aerith:……Hi…. Cloud: Um….where’s Zack..? Aerith: …Dead……Sephiroth did it….. Cloud: What!?! He’ll gone too far! I’ll make him pay for this!! ::Aerith turns around to look at Cloud:: Aerith: No! Please don’t go! Zack tried to fight him too, and that’s how he died!! Cloud: Oh… okay. I guess I won’t fight him then. Aerith: Huh? You actually listened to me? W-wow… Cloud: Of course I did. If I was your boy friend, I’d listen to you a lot more then Zack would’ve. Aerith: Really…? Cloud: Yes. Oh, and don’t be so sad. It’s not healthy y’know. Aerith: Uhh…okay…. ::Sephiroth and Queers approach:: Sephiroth: Come my sweet! Listen to me and fall in love with my wonderful song. Forget this moron and pick me as your soul mate instead! ::Turns to Queers:: Sephiroth: Alright boys! Hit it! ::Queers start playing the music:: ::Sephiroth starts singing:: Sephiroth: I’m gonna make love with you woman!
Gonna caress your womanly body… Gonna make you moan, and perspire… ::Takes Aerith’s hand and they walk away:: ::Sephiroth is too busy singing:: ::Back at the 7th Lemon:: ::Tifa is wearing a gas mask:: ::Rude is having a contest with Reno about who could fart the most:: ::Hojo is having a drink, and seems to be depressed about his experiment running away:: ::Luccresia is playing in a playground with some other kids:: Reno: Ha Ha! I’m winning baldie! Rude:…(hic!!) Tifa: Will you idiots quit farting so much?? ::They continue to fart:: Tifa: That’s IT!! I’ve had it with you (*^%(^%(!!!! Reno: Hey, if I were you, I wouldn’t insult me. Whoa that sounded very weird. We’re your best customers. Tifa: ( grumbles ) Reno: Ey. You got a hairball stuck in your throat again? ::Tifa glares at Reno:: Hojo: Man…what has the world become? Protests against unethical experiments, test subjects rebelling against their masters, medical equipment being stolen…I just don’t know what this world become… ::Looks at Tifa:: Hojo: Hey, nice lady! Gimmie another lemonade! Tifa: Umm…sir, I think you’ve had enough…Why don’t you stop for a while… ::Hojo pounds the bar with his fist:: Hojo: DAMMIT!!! I SAID GIVE ME ANOTHER BE- er LEMONADE!!!!! ::Starts to cry:: Tifa: Okay… okay…. just…calm down…..okay? ::Gives Hojo another Lemonade. That’s his 10th in a row:: ::She pats him lightly on the back:: ::Hojo looks up, eyes red. He almost smiles:: ::Suddenly, he has a twisted look on his face:: Hojo: Oh man! Nature’s calling!! I gotta potty!! ::He quickly runs towards the bathroom:: Tifa, Reno, and Rude: ….. ::Aerith and Cloud finally stop running away from Sephiroth:: Cloud: I think we lost him. Aerith: That’s good. Cloud: Um.. Are you okay? Aerith: I’m fine, thank you. ::Suddenly, Sephiroth runs up to them, along with his Queer peers:: Sephiroth: Y’know.. that was very rude. Queers: Ya! It was rude!! Rude: Ya! I'm Rude! Tifa: Damn it Rude! You're in the wronge scene!!! Can't you even read your script right?? Rude: sheesh. I'm thorry. It'th kinda hard when I can't read--I mean, when I'm drunk. Reno: What?? You can't read!? HA HA HA HA!!! Rude: You can't either! ( hic! ) Reno: Oh yeah! Gimme five bro! ::They give each othe high-fives:: ::They fart at the same time:: Reno and Rude: HA HA HA HA HA!!! ( hic! ) Tifa: Dammit you two!! You're ruining the whole thing! Get back behind stage!!! ::Yanks the two away:: ::Aerith, Sephiroth and Cloud stare at each other, surprized and confused:: ::Aerith quickly looks at her script, then at Sephiroth:: Aerith: Quit bugging me! Can’t you see I HATE YOU!?!? You’re a stupid, physco maniac with a bunch of retarded friends! Leave us alone, you…you dumb poo poo head!!! ::Sephiroth seems shocked….then he gets an angry look:: ::He pulls out his Masamune:: Sephiroth: Grrr… Nobody calls me a dumb poo poo head and lives!! Aerith: EEK! ::Sephiroth starts chasing Aerith:: Cloud: AERITH!!! ::Starts to follow, but the Queers hold him back:: Queers: Ha ha ha ha!! Cloud: Let go of me you *%$*^%!!! ::Cloud rips off their heads and beats them up real badly:: Cloud: I must stop Sephiroth and save Aerith!! ::Cloud quickly follows Aerith and Sephiroth:: ::In a bathroom close by:: Hojo: Ahhhh… that feels soooo much better….. ::Hojo feels an odd presence near by:: Hojo: Huh?? ::Yuffie drops down in front of him. Her eyes are glowing red and she has the Ragnorok strapped to her back:: Hojo: ARRRGH!!! What are you doing here!?! This is the boy’s bathroom!! Yuffie: Grrrrr….. ::Yuffie raises her metal fist:: Hojo: N,no….please…. ::From outside, all sort of nasty sound are heard. Sounds like bones breaking, things breaking, and Sigma sceaming Sigma: Uaaagh! (please refer to Zero's opening animated cinema scene in Mega Man X4) ::Yuffie hears Aerith and Sephiroth in the distance:: Yuffie: Ah…my next victims….mwa ha ha ha!!! ::Just outside the bathroom:: Aerith: EEK!! Cloud, help me!!!! Sephiroth: Almost got you now!! ::Suddenly, Yuffie drops down, right in front of Sephiroth:: Sephiroth: !!?? Yuffie: Heh heh… Sephiroth: Get out of my way, you stupid bitch!!! ::Sephiroth stabs Yuffie and shakes her violently:: ::The Ragnorok sword falls out:: ::Yuffie is thrown onto the ground and dies:: Tonberry: Oh my God!! They killed Yuffie!! Tonberry: ...... Tonberry: GOOD JOB!! Gimmie five, bro! ::Sephiroth gives him five- in the face:: Tonberry: You’re pretty bad-ass. ::Tonberry disappears:: ::Aerith finds herself cornered:: Sephiroth: Now, I’ve got you ::Sephiroth is stabbed from behind:: ::He jerks forward with a surprised look on his face:: ::He turns and sees Cloud with the Ragnorok sword in his hand:: Sephiroth: Heh….who ever thought a dweeb like you would be the one to kill the great Sephiroth….? It’s so…. Cloud: Ironic? Sephiroth: ….No….It’s so stupid…. ::Sephiroth dies:: Aerith: Oh Cloud! You saved me!! ::Aerith runs up to Cloud and hugs him:: ::Cloud and Aerith start kissing each other:: ::Their toungs start to sumo wrestle:: ::Wow….for a bunch of kids, they sure know how to French kiss each other pretty well:: ::Jenova sees her favorite son dead and her other son making out with a girl she never saw. You could just imagine the look on her face huh?:: Jenova: (Gasp!) NO! My baby! What are you doing! Keep away from this ....Jesus worshipper! ::Grabs Aerith:: Jenova: YOU killed my son didn’t you….you DEMON! ::There is fear in Aerith’s voice:: Aerith: N,no…. Jenova: I must cleanse this child of all evil! Aerith: EEK! Help me Cloud! Cloud: Mom, quit acting like a bitch! ::Cloud chops up Jenova:: ::And catches Aerith in his arms:: ::She rests her head against his chest:: Aerith: My hero… ::Suddenly, Cloud realizes that he wants to make love with Aerith, but how’s he gonna "turn her on?":: Cloud: Hey, Aerith. Wanna make sweet love? Aerith: Sure! ::Gee, that was a little straight forward, but it worked:: ::Cloud carries Aerith away in his arms:: Tifa: NO!! Cloud! I want to make sweet love with you!!! ::looks like she’s about to cry:: Reno: Hey baby, Rude wants to make sweet love with you. ::Rude blushes:: Rude: I do not! You do! Reno: Who wouldn’t? Tifa: Shut up you $^#&^%#&%#$*^%!!! I don’t care if you’re my best customers, I still HATE YOU!!! ::Tifa kicks Rude in the groin:: Reno: Ha ha ha! Looks like you can’t make sweet love with anyone now! ::Tifa kicks Reno in the groin even harder:: Reno: Oh no! My little army!! WAHHH!! ::She stomps away:: ::Vincent is walking in opposite direction, thinking:: ::They bump into each other, face to face:: ::Vincent blushes:: Vincent: O,oh…. hello…. ::Tifa blushes:: Tifa: U,uh….hi..? ::They both smile at each other:: nothing could get stupider than this! the same,email me and I will add your one here as well... |