With Elf at my side (panting excitedly with his head hanging out the window), I could hardly wait until the taxi finally arrived at the airport. Although my superiors were not exactly thrilled, they decided to let me take a break from my internship to go on this trip of a lifetime as I swore that I would do all weekends on-call from now on. All weekends? This trip had better be worth it. The duffel across my knees was starting to get heavy, and sure enough, by the time the airport came to view, my feet were asleep. Very asleep.
Stumbling out of the taxi, Elf pulled excitedly at the leash, and as I was trying to juggle a backpack and two bags with numb feet, I fell forward onto my face. The taxi driver laughed. I gave him the finger. He looked confused. I drew in a deep breath and smelt asphalt. Here I was, lying face down in the middle of a road. Very smart.
A suddenly squeal of wheels caused me to fly upright, and I toppled backwards and glared angrily at the super long stretch limo that just happened to pull up to the terminal. Who would emerge but Heath himself handling too many bags for all of them to be his. Besides, one of them was pink and had Barbie on it. A cute little girl jumped out of the limo and pulled on Heath�s sport coat, "Uncle Heath, can�t we go get a drink? PLEASE?" She caught sight of me leaning backwards on the taxi, trying to wake up my legs, "Did we hit her?"
"No." Heath didn�t look up, "We did not hit anything, did we Boswell?" The driver groaned. "I thought not. Now, Maddie, maybe we could get a small drink . . ."
"And a snack," The little girl grasped his big hand and was nearly skipping with happiness, "Where are your friends?" And they disappeared into the terminal together. Elf was pulling again and with pins and needles, I stumbled forward, Boswell gave me a stern look. I flipped him the bird as well. He honked loudly and I flew up in surprise. Elf snarled.
"You�re not having a good day," From the other side of the taxi, Graham emerged, having moved here a few weeks ago trying to make a living as a wildlife photographer, after tattoo artist did not work (�Eagle? I thought you said beagle!�). He did not have a vacation and was just here to see me off, and offered me a ride on his motorcycle. Not with all this luggage. "I think you�ll like England."
"Mmm." I grumbled, and Boswell took off in a cloud of dust, "I�d better."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maddie was sipping at a very large soft drink and swinging her legs, sitting in one of the plastic orange seats in the terminal and was trying to get her Uncle Heath to buy her a rather large teddy from the gift shop. It seemed like the perfect moment to go over and introduce ourselves, so I did and Heath gave a start when he saw me. He carefully removed his toes from the reach of Elf�s tongue.
"And this is Graham," I introduced, and Heath narrowed his eyes slightly, staring at my friend, "He is photographing animals here in Perth and is originally from England." The two men shook hands. Heath�s attention turned to my hand. "Oh, yes, we�re engaged."
"That�s a big rock," Heath leaned back in the chair and narrowed his eyes more, "I suppose you would need one, to put up with him for the rest of your life." He suddenly brightened, "Does Orli know about this?"
"Um." I fingered my ring, "No."
"Orli?" Graham asked, a little put off, "Orlando Bloom?"
"Um." I fingered my ring more. "Sort of."
"SORT OF?" He asked, "How can SOMEONE be SORT OF Orlando Bloom?"
"Well, well, well," Elsie and Zoe strode up to us, "I never would have thought finding friends would be so easy in a crowded airport. Follow the sounds of screaming."
"You sort of know Orlando Bloom?" Graham asked again, in disbelief, "And you call him Orli?"
"You know about this!" I answered back quickly, "It�s all your fault Heath!"
"Okay." Heath eyed us both and Maddie stuck out her tongue at Elf who was obediently tucked into his cage on the trolley. The dog stuck out his floppy tongue. The girl laughed. "Oh boy. Here he comes."
"So that�s what the elf really looks like!" Graham announced and Orli flushed as he walked up to us, "Where is your bow?"
"I left it at home," Orli replied directly, "I shall be flying with you to Manchester."
"Oh boy." Heath whistled, "Won�t that be fun?"
"Mmm." Graham gave me a quick hug as my flight was called, "Call me once you get there."
"What?" Heath grasped his chest as though having a heart attack, "That�s it? No, but we�ll always have Paris? No romance? No mushy kisses?" Graham and I both stared at him. "Okay, then."
"Well . . ." Suddenly, Graham slipped an arm around me and dipped a kiss I thought would only be found in Elsie�s favorite romance books. We broke apart to tremendous applause. Everyone in the airport was watching. I flushed. Graham waved. "Well," He ran a hand through his hair, "I�ll see you in a week."
"Hmm." Orli looked at me with a frown, "Nice rock."
"Starved for three months to get it," Graham shrugged.
"If anyone�s asking me," Maddie took my hand and stared at my ring, "I got one like that from the gum machine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Private jet." I was pulling my roll-a-long suitcase along the tarmac, "I approve." On the side of the sleek and small jet, a splashy computer accent read in bold letters ORLI. "I suppose that�s your plane."
"I can�t afford one," Heath shrugged, modestly, "I have to take a regular airplane."
"Well, you see, I can�t have that," Orli grinned, "I get air sick easily." Elsie and I exchanged a look.
"Mr. Bloom!" Whom I assumed was the dark uniformed pilot ran forward from the red carpet already laid out and he seemed flustered, "Who are they?"
Orli did not miss a beat. "I am Orli and these are my angels."
"Who does that make me?" Heath asked, frowning.
"Bosely." The star shrugged, "I suppose."
"Boswell is my limo driver." The Aussie sniffled, "It had better have air conditioning."
"It has a good record." Orli motioned to his plane as we stepped along the red carpet, Elf�s cage rattled. "It hasn�t ever crashed!" We all paled.
"What are these?" We climbed up the spiral staircase to the jet and Heath (who went first) came back out of the jet, holding up what looked like a backpack. "It says parachute on the side."
"Better safe than sorry." Orli tisked, "I�ll ask that everyone strap one on."
"I think I�ll just take a plane." I was about to leave, but Elf was already loaded and Orli handed me a parachute with pleading eyes. "Oh fine. If I get killed, it�s all your fault."
"We have to wear parachutes." Elsie frowned. It was not a question. We all piled into the simple, but tastefully decorated interior. My friend looked in a luggage holder and pulled out long thin rods, "Orli, what is this?"
"Oh, fly fishing rods." Orli shrugged, "We are flying ocean." We all paled and looked at him. "What? There are enough for everyone!" He looked at me and suddenly tossed me an extra parachute, "Stick one on the dog." Elf had been released from his cage and was sitting in the middle of a chair, drooling on the ground. I obliged.
Instead of the regular interiors of a plane, Orli had obviously gutted and refitted this jet. No seats could be seen, aside from the beach chair Elf had planted himself on, and instead of carpet, the ground was covered with a heavy layer of fine sand. In one corner were blow-up palm trees. In the other, a wading pool half filled with water. Beach towels were spread out all over, along with Elf�s chair, there was the standard patio furniture. A large barbecue stood alone by the washroom. Even the walls were painted a very falsely cheery blue with lazy white clouds. The crowning achievement of his �beach away from the beach� would have to be the neon sun hanging from the roof complete with sunglasses.
"I told you to bring your beach stuff!" Orli laughed at our surprised expressions, "Isn�t it great?" Before we could answer, he kicked off his shoes, peeled away his socks and grabbed a cool soda from the cooler, leaning back in a chair. "I�m going to hit the pool a bit later."
As soon as the door of the jet closed, the Beach Boys began playing and I was halfway torn between ripping Orli apart and running out of the darn place to find myself a real plane. Instead, I just twisted the ring around my finger, nervously.
"What happens on takeoff?" I asked, and my friends all claimed their beach chairs and were looking up at me, "You know, everything slides backwards."
"Oh, don�t worry," Orli grinned, lowering shades over his eyes as the engines revved, "Everything is screwed into place."
Elsie rolled her eyes and raised her glass as though in a toast, "Except Orli�s head."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heath was stirring up something on the barbie and we were already in the air when Orli looked at my ring again. "Could I see that?" I handed it to him. The star grinned. "It�s not real."
"What�s not real?" I took it back and slipped it on my finger, "It�s the intent that matters."
Elsie looked up from burying Orli in the sand, frowning. Zoe packed in most of the sand at his feet, but for most part, he was covered aside from an am. Orli had insisted that we bury him after we played finger-surf-boards in the wading pool (another of Orli�s brilliant ideas) and went bobbing for kiwi fruit.
Elf growled and I walked over to see what was the matter, but something caught my eye. The posture Orli was buried in � arms crossed over his chest and a stupid grin plastered on his face � oddly resembled the Oscar statuettes.
I snorted. "Conceded."
"You�re just jealous because you�ve never won an Oscar!" Orli sniffled right back and Elf leapt off his chair and stuffed his big black nose in the sand covering. "What are you doing?"
"Should I stop him?" I rolled my eyes, but it was (fortunately) too late. The dog seemed to give a laughing bark, and raised a hind leg.
"NOOOOO!" Orli screamed, but Elf, having marked his territory, stalked off back to the beach chair and a very bored look came over his face. At the same time, Heath discovered something by the barbie. "That confounded dog!"
The Brit bounded out of his sand prison and shook off the clumped sand. Maddie seemed to find it amusing and tugged on Heath�s sleeve, "Uncle, can you take me to England every year?"
"Now I have to take a shower!" Orli was still ranting, about half an hour later, having chased the dog around the cabin a few times with an inflatable palm tree. The star was panting, but Elf sat on his haunches, a very knowing look in his eye and his tail flapping all over the place. "You beast!"
"Who? Me or the dog?" I asked, and he snarled bitterly before jumping into the washroom (shaped like a tropical outhouse) and slammed the door so hard, it dented inwards. "Oh boy." Elf sat.
"Why do dogs do that?" Heath asked, handing my dog the fifth burnt hamburger which was gobbled up instantly, "Why don�t they just pee in one spot? I mean, you don�t see me going up to something, pee, and then reserve myself enough pee to last me for the rest of the day."
"I didn�t know you peed on lamp posts, Heath," Elsie replied, not looking up from fishing in the wading pool with gummy worms, "Do you think I�ll catch anything?"
"Maybe that squashed kiwi," I suggested, pointing, "Next flight, I�m catching a real plane."
"Oh, but you haven�t seen my jungle theme one!" Orli protested, the sound of a shower running loudly, "Or my Troy jet! It�s shaped like a gigantic horse!"
"And I wonder what stars do with their money." I rolled my eyes, and walked into the bar area, where all the bottles were expertly chilled and every glass was in the shape of an Oscar statuette. I opened the fridge. Oscamayer wieners. Why was I not surprised? "The Oscar really got to your head, didn�t it, Orli?"
"Nonsense," He replied, shutting the shower off, "I�ll never let that kind of stuff get to my head."
I opened a drawer. The pulls were tiny and golden, carved into the words Academy Awards. All the silverware was etched with Oscar statues. I found his cooking pots. The handles were shaped like those statues. I looked on his calendar. More statues. His tile on the ground were all little statues. The final crowning piece, though, was that every single little hole in the board in the ceiling was a silhouette of an Oscar statue. "Oh boy."
"You think old Viggi is ever going to get one?" Orli shouted, and Elsie snorted, huffed up, "I mean, for one of his weird movies he�s not blonde in."
"Well, I don�t know," Heath flipped a burger. The meat was in the shape of an Oscar statue. I ran over and looked at the flipper. Oscar shaped. I looked again at the condiments. Oscar shaped. I looked at the palm tree�s bases. OSCARS EVERYWHERE. I threw back my head and screamed at the top of my lungs. "Wow. That was a good Tarzan yell," Heath noted.
"Are you sure this isn�t the OSCAR jet?" I asked, and Orli did not reply, "The seatbelt buckles have Oscar statues on them!"
"I got them on sale," Orli explained, "Clearance."
"Don�t look now, Glor," Zoe pointed out, "But the buns are also in this shape. And that�s the shape the lettuce is cut into too."
"Uncle Heath?" Maddie asked, suddenly, "Why isn�t the Oscar man wearing any clothes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Get out of there!" Heath tugged on the bathroom door, denting it even more. "You are going to come out here and explain to my niece why exactly you have so many Oscars everywhere!"
"Oh, well, they might nominate me again." Orli answered, "I thought it was kind of cute."
"I caught it!" Elsie declared suddenly, "I have the kiwi on my line!"
"Real her in!" Zoe cheered her on, and Elsie nodded.
"EEEE!" Elsie tugged.
"SQUISH." The kiwi dragged.
"EEEE!" Elsie tugged harder.
"SLLLIIIDDDEEEE." The kiwi dragged more.
"EEEE!" Elsie insisted.
"SQUISH." The kiwi hit another.
"EEEE!" Elsie reeled in excitedly.
"POP!" The little kiwi broke the surface of the water.
"EEEE!" Elsie screamed at the top of her lungs.
"ARF!" Elf made a dive for the brown thing (probably thought it was a hamburger) and swallowed the kiwi whole. "Urp."
"Oh dear." I frowned.
"I get a kiwi and catch a dog!" Elsie grinned.
"How are we going to get the hook out of the dog?" I demanded, "Huh?"
"You�re the surgeon!" She grinned again. "You try."
"Oh dear." I repeated.
"ARF!" Elf suddenly, but delicately spit out the brown thing and the hook.
"Amazing." Zoe picked up the line, "How did he manage to clean out the green stuff, but leave the skin?"
"ARF!" Elf seemed to be laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tiny white finger towel was tied at the end of a back scrubbing brush, raised over the edge of the tropical bathhouse-like washroom. We all stared at it. The white towel was nice and fine, but in a corner was an embroidered image of a tiny Oscar statue and the initials OB.
"If you reverse that, Orli," Heath suggested, "You�d be BO."
"I can�t get out!" Orli squeaked, "The door�s stuck!"
"What?" I demanded, "Stuck?"
"It seems dented inwards." Orli sounded worried, "HELP! HURRY UP! GET ME OUT! MAYDAY! SOS! SOS!"
"Okay, Orli," Heath took control of the situation, "I�m going to try and break down the door."
"You�re paying for it, right?" The Brit asked, cheerily and Heath sighed.
"No, Orli," Heath frowned, "It is your door."
"But I�m an OSCAR WINNER! I�m too YOUNG to die!" Orli moaned and moped, throwing fists against the door, "You can�t LEAVE ME!"
"Oh, he can�t even crawl out," Heath noticed that the doors were sealed, "Hmm."
"I�m going to suffocate!" Orli demanded, throwing himself against the door, "LET ME OUT!"
"We�re not stopping you!" I replied, and the star redoubled his efforts, "And you won�t suffocate. There is air circulation and if there wasn�t enough, I wouldn�t be shouting if I were you."
"AHHHHH!" Orli probably heard, �We�re . . . stopping you . . . And you . . . suffocate . . . wasn�t . . . enough . . .� or the like, as he screamed a blood curling scream.
The pilot switched on the intercom, "What�s going on back there?"
"Nothing!" Heath screamed back.
Suddenly, Orli was silent. We exchanged a worried look.
"What�s wrong?" Zoe asked, "Are you okay?"
"No." Orli whispered back, "I broke a nail."
"I know!" Heath ran to his carry on luggage and dug around, "Time to bring out the JAWS OF LIFE!"
"AHHHH!" Orli screamed in horror, and I must admit, I was impressed he could get jaws of life past customs. "AHHHH!"
"Nee-nert-nee-nert-nee-nert-nee-nert . . ." Heath hummed the theme of �Jaws� and brought out of his bag a tiny plastic shark, about three inches long. "Aha!" Finally, he took the tiny thing and smacked it against the door.
"AHHHH!" Orli confirmed.
"Smack!" The shark hit again.
"AHHHH!" Orli screamed again.
"Smack!" The shark hit.
"AHHHH!" Orli roared.
"Smack-smack-smack-smack!" The rubber shark hit.
"AHHHH-AHHHH-AHHHH-AHHH!" Orli yelled.
The intercom beeped again, "What is going on?"
"AHHHH-smack-AHHHH-smack-AHHHH-smack."
"Good heavens!" The captain gasped and the intercom switched off.
"THE JAWS OF LIFE!" Heath clutched the tiny fish and pelted himself against the door, denting it. The shark slipped out of his hands and slid into the tiny air vent and Orli picked it up. "MY JAWS!"
"THIS is the JAWS of LIFE?" Orli screamed, disbelieving, "HEATH!"
"Yes?" Heath asked innocently, "Oh, and why were you in the washroom for so long?"
"I�m beautifying myself! I have a press conference when we land in Manchester!" Orli protested, "GET ME OUT!"
The intercom beeped, "Hello, this is your captain speaking. We shall be landing in Manchester International in fifteen minutes. Please fasten your seatbelts and do not smoke."
"AHHHHH!" Orli confirmed and slammed himself frantically against the door, "I�m still stuck in here!" But we all noticed the smoking barbie, and ran for it. I grabbed the fire extinguisher, Maddie a large blanket, but Elsie and Zoe teamed up and grabbed the paddling pool. Heath grabbed a palm tree. We let the fire have it.
Soon, the intercom beeped again, just as we finished putting out the fire. "Welcome to Manchester," The captain confirmed, and I couldn�t help but disagree. The pounding on the washroom door confirmed that Orli was not very happy we had landed. Elf was sitting in front of the washroom and stuffed his nose up to it. Before any of us could stop him, the dog turned around, lifted a leg, and claimed Orli�s prison as his own.