"Who set the bus on fire?!" Sirius jumped up, startling the four hobbits who all gave him the strangest look in the world. Quickly running over, he ran over to the four and glared at them, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Cooking elevenses!" Pippin squeaked, "Crispy bacon, scrambled eggs and roasted tomatoes!" He pronounced it to-mat-oes. Sirius stared. He stomped on the fire, to put it out (before the whole bus burnt down), to Pippin�s dismay, "That�s nice ash on my tomatoes!"
Bert grabbed the nearest fire extinguisher and stomped over to the hobbits, dowsing them all in a layer of fluffy white foam.
"What are you all, crazy?!" Sirius hollered, grabbing Bert�s shirt, "You�re supposed to be driving! You�re obviously NOT!"
"Oh." Bert blinked. "Oh."
But it was too late. Sirius ducked onto the ground and assumed airplane crash position as the Knight Bus smashed into what seemed to be a mushroom rock with a large bunch of ruins all around . . . The metal crumpled and all too soon, it was all over. Darkness covered them as the batteries of the Knight Bus gave up. Sirius groaned as he felt something warm and sticky ran down his face. Blood? His own?
"Trust a Brandybuck and a Took." Sam�s voice came from the darkness.
"Oh that," Merry chattered, "That was just a detour!"
"A detour?" Frodo called, "To what?"
"To what?!" The hobbits wiggled out a broken window and Pippin gasped, "MUSHROOMS!"
Before Sirius could groan or even sigh, all four hobbits had squirmed out of the bus and towards what he assumed were . . . well . . . mushrooms.
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Strider awoke with all sorts of pipes and what not attached to him. And he was lying in a bed. His sword was gone. And some lady was staring at him. And it wasn�t Arwen. He blinked quickly. "Where�s my sword?!"
"Your sword?!" Adhara muttered, "I don�t know! How am I suppose to know where you misplaced your articles?"
"Where am I?" He whispered, "Who are you?"
"Professor Adhara Sinistra to you!" She snapped, "You�re in the ICU of London General awaiting surgery."
"Surgery?!" Strider groaned, "Why?"
"You�ve had a heart attack." Adhara replied, "You need a quadruple-cardiac-bypass!"
"Oh man!" He screamed, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
In a sudden puff of smoke, Adhara jumped as a strange, tall, wizard dressed in all gray, "I am here!"
"You are LATE!" Strider hollered, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
"Wizards are never late, Aragorn son of Arathorn! Nor are they early." Gandalf walked over to Strider�s dinner tray and sipped at some tea, "They arrive precisely when he means to."
"They�re going to take me to surgery!" Strider continued, "What the heck is that?!"
"They�re going to cut you open." Adhara provided.
"AKK!" Strider totally freaked out, "ORCS! I SEE THEM EVERYWHERE!"
"I would suggest someone transfer this individual to another ward," Adhara rolled her eyes, "The psychology ward!"
"I�m NOT CRAZY!" Gandalf shook his head as a nurse wheeled Strider out of the room, screaming at the top of his lungs.
The wizard gave Adhara a sad little look, "He�s not usually like this, my dear."
"There is no strength left in the race of men!" Adhara screamed, tears in her eyes, "Men! Pah! Men are weak!"
"But, my dear!" Gandalf protested, "The future of Middle Earth is to lie in the hands of Men!"
"NO!" She screamed, "NO!!"
"But the elves are leaving and the dwarves do not care!" Gandalf continued, "Our hope lies in Men!"
"Women!" Adhara gasped, "You forgot about the women!" She took a deep breath, and screamed, "I will be DEAD before I see the future of this planet in the hands of a MAN! NEVER TRUST A MAN!"
Before Gandalf could protest, she ran out of the room screaming about raising her gang of women warriors. He sat down in a chair, took Strider�s tea and prescribed himself two Aspirin.
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"Okay, great!" Sirius surveyed the ruin of the Knight Bus (Bert had thankfully died), "Now how am I supposed to get you four to Rivendell?!"
"Your problem." The four hobbits were stuffing their faces with mushrooms and did not pay any attention to him, "Not ours."
"Well, how are you guys up on styles?" Sirius tried, and got the hobbits attention, "Do you know what? Horses and busses are totally out! They went out of style years ago! The really elegant go by pony or donkey!"
"Well, what do you know?!" Sam thought of his pony, Bill at home, "I�ve been elegant all my life and didn�t even know it!"
"Well . . ." Sirius drawled, "Do you all want to be really elegant?!"
All four hobbits batted their eyelashes and chorused, "We DO!"
"You WALK!" Sirius grabbed all four of them and almost kicked their skinny rear ends down the other side of the hill, "Hurry up now!"
"We walk?!" Pippin squealed, "Oh man! I can�t wait! I�m . . ." He spun a quick pirouette, "Elegant!"
"Yes, yes, yes," Everyone laughed cheerily, and Sirius shook his head, but had a smile on his face, "Now let�s hurry up, eh?"
"The sooner we get there, the better." Frodo suddenly lost his cheerfulness and became depressed, "Before the Black Riders catch up with us!"
"The what?!" Sirius sputtered, "There�s someone after you?! What in the world for?!"
"Farmer Maggot is after us!" Pippin squeaked, "For lifting his mushrooms!"
"Well . . ." Sirius didn�t know how to do justice, "If that is all, maybe you could work for him and trade labor for mushrooms! I�m sure it will all work out!" Then reality crashed onto him, "Are you all running away from home?!" They all nodded, "Well, an angry farmer isn�t anything that horrible! I�ll talk to him for you!"
"You promise you�ll make him stop chasing us?" Pippin whispered fearfully, "Honest?"
"You promise you�ll make anyone stop chasing us?" Frodo added, "Please?"
"Of course," Sirius sighed, "I�ll do all I can!"
"THEN TELL HIM THAT!" All four hobbits dove into the surrounding bushes and Sirius whirled around in time to see a flash of sword and he quickly dropped down to the ground none too quickly for a stern blade sliced through the air inches above his head.
Spitting out a mouthful of last season�s leaves, Sirius lifted his head slightly and gasped, "Death Eaters? Here?!" But of course it was not, although the differences were subtle and not important . . . Cloaked in a cowl of the color of night, the weapon of choice this time was not a wooden wand, but a blade of steel which unfortunately could get the same results. Sirius gulped. How was he going to talk to one of these . . . these . . . Black Riders without getting his head chopped off? Maybe if he asked politely . . . or tried the mushroom approach!
Anyhow, the rider seemed to have disappeared, and the little hobbits had already started another fire near by and Pippin was asking a little loudly for some masking tape to tape up his burst tomato. Sirius groaned. You could not tape up a tomato! Arg, those hobbits . . . Getting back on his feet, Sirius was about to shout that they were totally idiotic for thinking that a tomato could be repaired with masking tape when Merry drew a large staple gun out of his bag. Staples could work. If they didn�t, the large sewing kit which Sam grabbed from his pack could work; or the tube of super glue Frodo was waving around. And you thought you knew all there was to know about hobbits . . .
"What are you doing?!" Sirius muttered, running back to the fire, "You can�t do this to me! How do you expect me to save you every time when all you do is try to get killed!"
"We don�t want to get killed." Pippin replied briskly, "Not when Sam has offered to cook his special triple mushroom omelet for tomorrow�s second breakfast!"
"Second breakfast?!" Sirius repeated irritably, "What is second breakfast?!"
"After first breakfast and before elevenses." Merry chimed in, "And before luncheon!"
"Oh." Sirius scratched his head, "That�s obvious. I suppose."
"How are we going to get to Rivendell?" Frodo was beginning to panic again, and Sirius frantically tried to remember what his limited education had taught him about keeping hobbits calm. Mushrooms. He shoved one in Frodo�s mouth and frowned at the diminishing supply. Frodo stared up at Sirius incredulously, "Wha-da-ya-da-dat-fae?"
"To keep your mouth shut." Sirius snapped, and instantly, three little hobbit mouths dropped open. With a sigh, he complied and shoved mushrooms into them as well, "Now shut up and let me think. Answer these questions with nods and shakes of the head, alright?"
"Well, you are trying to get to Rivendell?" They nodded.
"Do you have any idea where that is?" They shook their heads.
"And you want me to take you there?" They nodded.
"But I don�t have any idea where that is! None!" They shook their heads.
"Okay, so are you saying I have some kind of hidden knowledge?" They nodded.
"Do you know how I can access that?" They shook their heads.
"Well, we obviously can�t take the bus." They nodded.
"The plane?" They shook their heads.
"And you all want to be really elegant and fashionable?" They nodded.
"Remember how you walk?!" They shook their heads.
"Well, we are walking!" They nodded.
"And we are leaving right now!" They shook their heads.
"Okay, after the meal." They nodded.
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. And then he noticed the fire. More precisely, the fact that they were on top of a very high plateau and were in plain view to anyone within a large radius and that the fire was pinpointing their location. He breathed a sigh of frustration.
"Why is there a fire here?! Can you explain yourselves?!" They shook their heads.
Sirius quickly stomped all over the fire and Pippin ran to cover his tomatoes with his hands to prevent them from gaining ash again. Giving them all a quick glare, Sirius growled, "You are all idiots!" They nodded.
"Are you only answering yes and no?!" They shook their heads.
"Well, it certainly seems that way." They nodded.
It dawned on him. "Why are you answering only yes and no to these questions?!" They shook their heads. Sirius screamed a loud holler which seemed to be more of an animal cry than human, "You idiots! I said you shook your head when you believed the answer to the question was no and you would nod your head when you believed the answer was yes! Not to answer yes and no alternatively to everything I say!" They nodded.
"STOP THIS OR ELSE YOU WILL NEVER SEE RIVENDELL!" Sirius roared.
"Neither will you!" All four hobbits chorused and dove for the bushes.
From experience, Sirius didn�t even need the customary look over his shoulder to realize that some Black Rider was breathing down his neck again . . . With a small yelp, he jumped forward and unfortunately, into to the still burning fire and caught his robes on fire. The other who had been bearing down on him also lost his balance and fell into the fire (unfortunately). Aww crap! Sirius swore and quickly remembered the posters . . . Suddenly, he looked around at five other flaming figures, and wondered why Black Riders liked to catch themselves on fire so much . . .
"STOP!" He screamed at the top of his lungs and every did as they were told, frozen in time.
"DROP!" Sirius hollered and everyone dropped like stones.
"AND ROLL!" He yelled and all six people started rolling on the ground like crazy.
By the time Sirius was satisfied that he was no longer on fire, he stood with slightly singed robes (the singed parts were barely noticeable with all the travel stains) and stared around him. Frankly, he was standing alone on this plateau. Sirius quickly ran about the circumference, looking downward. A quick run told him instantly that all five of the riders had managed to roll themselves off the plateau and had landed in sprawled, unnatural positions at the bottom of the plateau. Oh well, proves that they aren�t very sharp people.
Eventually, the hobbits crawled out of their bush, looking very frightened but physically they were fine. Sirius grabbed a length of silvery, fine rope that just happened to be lying around and tied each of the four hobbits� wrists together in a chain, as one would do with boxcars or little children. That way, at least, he wouldn�t lose any of them. Taking one end himself, Sirius marched them down the side of the slope and into the darkness in a direction he hoped was Rivendell, although he couldn�t be sure.
There were mountains on the horizon, covered with what seemed to be mist, and seemingly these were Misty Mountains. Anyway, there had to be some elves around such places, Sirius reckoned. Why not Rivendell?
Before they had ventured a grand total of fifty paces, Pippin started to complain again, and Sirius growled that the next hobbit to say something would be fed to a . . . he faltered for a sizable threat, and finally settled on the meanest creature he could think of . . . a wizard by the name of Gandalf! And that shut them up pretty quick. Sirius grinned and led them on. Perhaps with a quick speed spell, they could cross the mountains in a few days and he could be rid of the pesky foursome . . . maybe . . .
"Are we lost?" Pippin called out of the darkness, and Sirius tugged on the soft rope.
"No." Merry was quick to answer.
"I think we are!" Pippin whimpered and Sirius stopped to stare at him angrily.
"Shh! It looks like he is thinking!" Merry pointed to Sirius with his free hand.
"Merry?" Pippin whispered, timidly.
"What?" Merry sounded a little annoyed.
"I�m hungry!" Pippin muttered hurriedly.
"You always seem to be hungry." Sirius frowned, "Is your life centered around food?"
"Of course!" Sam and Frodo chorused, "We are hobbits!"
"How could I forget that admirable fact?!" Sirius groaned and yanked on their wrists, pulling them into the darkness.
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Adhara sat alone in the hospital cafeteria. She wouldn�t have been alone if the establishment was still open for business, but it just so happened that by the time she got down there, it had closed for the night. With the help of a simple charm, she entered and managed to warm up a nice plate of French Fries as well as some coffee. Not the dinner she would have preferred, but still, it was good food for a cafeteria. There were more pressing issues at hand. Take Sirius�s disappearance for example. And Strider�s emergence. Now that the two event were placed hand in hand it seemed that . . .
She shook her head. How could that be even possible? Sure, Strider and Sirius did resemble each other, but they were totally different once someone actually took a good look at them. And what about that wizard, Gandalf? The fate of earth seemed to be pending on feministic action and Adhara wasn�t about to let her planet fall into the hands of men. The race of men were fading. The blood of Adam has been but all spent. Men were weak. Rise the women.
But to save the earth, she must first find the source of all this evil . . . Voldemort again? No, this foe was beyond Voldemort . . . something darker, more sinister, and seemingly so foreign; perhaps not originating on this planet . . . Adhara ran to the nearest pay phone, plunked in a quarter (she had misplaced her cellular phone) and dialed 1-888-WIZARDS and waited impatiently for it to connect. She needed to speak to the operator. And eventually to Gandalf. She was getting to the bottom of this . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We are going the wrong way!" Frodo supplied the obvious as the troop had stopped for second breakfast a few days afterwards, "I�m sure we would have at least be in forest by now! Rivendell is in the forest!"
"Well, do you see any forest?!" Sirius snapped irritably, and looked around at all the mountains he could see, "I don�t see any!" But on the horizon, there seemed to be a tower sticking out of the mountain�s side, its shadow cast upon a tiny assemblage of trees, a small oasis not more than a few dozen kilometers large. Perhaps this was the fabled Rivendell. Still, Sirius was not very impressed. Look at the location, he mused, in the shadow of this big tower, at the foot of mountains, and inhabited by what he assumed where gigantic spiders (their webs were strung all over the place and the hobbits were always getting caught up in it). "What kind of location is this?!"
"I don�t know!" Pippin whispered timidly and suddenly, all four hobbits were scurrying about Sirius, looking very scared. Frodo was clinging to Sirius�s robes and before Sirius could shake him off, Pippin whimpered, "I don�t like this! Something�s out there!"
Sirius glanced across the barren wasteland, "Are you kidding? There�s nothing out there! And if there was . . . I would have been able to see it! DO NOT FORGET . . . that . . ." He took a deep breath, "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox � " A flash of sunlight reflecting off the tip of a silver arrow aimed at his head quickly caused Sirius to swallow his words whole. How could he possibly have not seen . . .
Fortunately, the arrow had not been released and was currently being held at ready by a fairly young fellow, Sirius reckoned to be of about Harry�s age, fair of face and seemingly of manner. After a brief and awkward silence, the other finally spoke, fortunately in English, "You breathe so loudly, I could have shot you in the dark, with my eyes blindfolded, with one arm, with my toy bow, with my ears chopped off, with no legs, with 100 km/h crosswinds, and . . ." The other paused and Sirius wondered if that was not enough, "WITHOUT ARROWS!"
"Arrows?!" Sirius demanded, "How could you shoot me without arrows?!"
"I only need one." He grinned, "And I believe that is known as an arrow!"
"Word play." Sirius groaned, "Who are you?! Who do you think you are? Robin Hood?!"
"Well . . ." The other paused, "I do like to bake and I do use Robin Hood flour products . . ."
"That is not what I meant." Sirius griped and all four hobbits were now clinging to him with sticky little hands, "Not quite what I meant." What kind of young man would spend his time during the early days of fall, having finished his homework, prancing around some forest? But then again, what kind of young man in his right mind would spend what seemed to be hours braiding a few locks of hair? And what kind of young man would look so clean and smell like . . . Sirius couldn�t place it . . . cedar? Well, he certainly did do the Lincoln Green outfit. "Where did you get the get-up?" Sirius couldn�t help asking, "The Robin-Hood-Wanna-Be catalogue?"
"No, the REE catalogue a few moons ago," The other looked down at himself, "Except for the booties. Those I got from a friend. For Christmas." Sirius didn�t think the rather dashing tall leather boots should have been called �booties� but then again, he was in a strange land . . .
"The REE catalogue?" Sirius tried again, "What�s that?"
"Oh, you don�t know REE?!" The other gasped, "REE?! Well, my new catalogue just arrived last night, and if you and . . . those . . ." He stared down at the hobbits, "Halflings would like to follow me to my place, I can surely wrangle you up a copy of the catalogue, although it is only available to . . ." He lowered his voice, "Exclusive members."
"And I�m sure you�re an exclusive member." Sirius muttered.
"Of course I am!" He snorted, almost snobbishly, his fair face twisted with anguish, "I have always been and will always be!"
"Then, pray, friend," Sirius tried again, "What is REE?"
"REE?!" The other gasped, "The Royal Elven Exchange!"
"The ROYAL ELVEN EXCHANGE?!" Sirius groaned, "But how could you be an exclusive member if you are a man?"
"A MAN?!" The other roared, "I AM NOT A MAN! MEN ARE WEAK!" He growled, angrily, "There is no strength left in the race of men!"
"Then what are you?!" Sirius muttered, "A dwarf?"
"Excuse me." His eyes narrowed, "Do I look like I have a beard?"
"Well, no," Sirius acknowledged, and rubbed his own two day stubble on his chin, wondering if the other was even old enough to begin shaving. If he was, that was one fine razor, for he looked quite clean-shaven. Must be ordered from that REE again. Sirius�s eyes strayed towards his new acquaintance whose fair face was now twisted with confusion. Finally, his eyes settled on the pointy ears. That was it. He was an elf!
"You�re an elf?!" Sirius goggled, and the other laughed, a rather musical sound, "I�ve never seen an elf before! And aren�t you a little tall for Santa�s elves?"
"All elves are tall!" The other grinned, cheerfully, "And no, I�m not really that tall. I�m a wood-elf. Try the sea-elves if you really want to see tall! And I suppose you�re a Man."
"Yes, I suppose I am." Sirius tartly replied, and gestured to his companions, "And these are my . . . charges; hobbits, you see; Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Spam."
"SAM!" Sam the hobbit tugged on Sirius�s robes (at this point Sirius was quite glad he had a belt on), "Not Spam!"
"Oh, yes, Sam," Sirius tousled the little hobbit�s curly locks, "We�re trying to get to Rivendell. They want to see some elves." All four hobbits nodded in unison and gawked at the fair elf before them. "I suppose we are here."
"No, no you�re not. But yes, yes, you are." The elf stuttered, "You�re not in Rivendell. You�re hopelessly lost if you�re trying to get to Rivendell. But yes, you can see some elves here. What is left of the elves, anyway."
It was only then that Sirius noted that his new elven friend carried a quiver not quite full of arrows and that the elven blade at his side glowed slightly blue, even visible through a finely crafted scabbard of leather and silver. As if the weapons were not enough, his long, pale blonde hair looked slightly tousled (a major fashion no-no for most elves) and what seemed to be a few scrapes marred his fair face. Battle? A fair tread of smoke wound its way heavenwards from the trees, and even from here, Sirius could smell the raw stink of a butcher�s yard. There had been battle. The elf was the only one left. Of his kind? Of his family? And he had sacrificed that darn catalogue! How could he have not noticed it earlier?
"Oh, we can see elves here?" Sam finally spoke up, "I see you!"
"Yes, yes," The elf groaned, "You do see me."
"Where are we then," Sirius sounded a little (understandably) impatient, "Not Rivendell?"
"Oh no." He replied, quickly, "You�re almost in Mirkwood. Or what is left of it, anyway."
"What is left of it?" Sirius repeated, and heaved a sigh. "Alright, would you happen to know a guy named Gandalf? Wizard."
"Oh, yes, of course." The elf nodded, "So you were summoned as well. Although I thought it was only Elrod who was giving out the summons."
"Sure." Sirius nodded.
"Well, I suppose we can travel together. To Rivendell." The other cast a sad look over his shoulder, "There is nothing left for me to go back to." He smiled ruefully, "Except for my REE catalogue."
"I�m sure you can get a new one in Rivendell." Sirius hurriedly assured him, thinking that traveling beyond would not be such a good idea, "So, I�m Sirius. Sirius Black. I was whisked here by Gandalf the Grey and I�m supposed to get these four to Rivendell."
"Ah, I must apologize for not introducing myself earlier!" The elf finally lowered his bow, "A friend of Gandalf is a friend of mine." He extended his hand in friendship, "Elven prince of Mirkwood, Legolas Greenleaf."
"Oh. You must be the one who created Lego." Sirius smiled, "Leggo my Eggo."
"Sure." The elf looked eastward, and shaded his eyes from the wind, "If we wish to make safe camp before nightfall, I suggest we�d best be on our way. Orcs are about." He tapped the handle of his sword, "Why, you travel unarmed?"
"I have a wand." Sirius whisked it out, "See?"
"Ah, a wizard!" Legolas grinned, looking impressed, "Magic could come in handy."
"Alright, we�d best start walking then," Sirius shrugged, and turned to walk eastward, but the elf simply gave him a strange look. "Or do you have some better way of getting there?"
"Of course I do!" He snapped and quickly stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled a long, single note, quite high pitched and almost out of the human hearing range. Suddenly, Sirius gulped as the ground began to shake and thinking that it was an earthquake, he fell onto all fours and assumed airplane crash position.
The shaking grew and a loud rumbling filled his ears. It seemed that something was moving. Moving. Closer and closer. And closer. Closer? Before Sirius could yelp with panic, the entire plain was silent again, and he peeked up. In his direct line of vision were Legolas�s boots and many hooves. Horses. Duh. Gulping back embarrassment, Sirius stood, shaking dust from his robes, and admired the many fine white steeds before him. Legolas grinned, "Well, see any that you like?"
"All of them." Sirius mumbled, and the elf laughed, "Alright," He closed his eyes and pointed randomly, "That one!"
"Fine, you shall ride him." Legolas nodded, and Sirius looked towards the herd, wondering which fine animal he had chosen. Maybe the white one with the broad chest. Or the tough looking one. Or the one with the black patch. Or . . . Sirius�s heart sank as from the sea of white, a scraggly gray donkey emerged, grinning with perfect white teeth. He had seen that donkey before. Somewhere. And there was absolutely no way he was going to ride a donkey. But he wasn�t going to tell Legolas that . . . and look like an idiot!
"A donkey!" Sirius pretended to be amused, "Oh, how charming!"
"Yuck!" The donkey suddenly barked, "Your breath still stinks! You need some Tic Tacs or something!" It was at that moment, Sirius placed the voice. This wasn�t a donkey. It was the donkey. More correctly, it was Donkey. Oh no!
Digging into his pockets, Sirius quickly swallowed an Aspirin and by the time he was finished, the rest of the horses had vanished except for a quartet of sweet little ponies which the hobbits had mounted, and that fine white stallion which Sirius had noted at first, which was bearing the elven prince. Legolas looked down at Sirius, "I don�t understand why you chose that donkey, and would have suggested a different mount, but since you were so insistent . . ."
"I�m not being insistent!" Sirius insisted. "I�m not!"
"All the better then." Legolas cast a cautious look about him, and motioned westward with a gentle sweep of his elegant hand, "We shall ride hard for Rivendell then!"
"Yes, of course," Sirius nodded, "But you�re an elf!"
"I know that." The other replied.
"But why do you wish to travel to Rivendell? If you wanted to see an elf, you could just look in the mirror!" He snapped.
"Do you think it is that easy?" Legolas laughed, "I have been summoned to take part in the Council. As I imagine you have been, as well."
"Oh. Sure." Sirius shrugged, not knowing if denying this fact would get him into trouble again, "Yes." Before he could argue further, Legolas had nudged his horse into a quick gallop and all Sirius and the hobbits could do was urge their own mounts to quicken their pace, and not be left behind.