The rest of the Fellowship whom did not have the ability to walk on snow were neck deep in it. They did not share the elf�s euphoria. They did not answer. Being wet, cold and irritated by a very happy elf did not do wonders for anyone�s long term health.
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!" Their elf had donned his itchy red woolies which were sticking out of the bottom of his pedal pushers and he looked quite uncoordinated with his elven boots, hobbit sweater and dwarf-inspired pedal pushers. He was singing again, and to the tune of �Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer,� he had improvised slightly, "Legolas the Pretty Nosed Elven-Prince, Had a very Pretty Nose! And if you ever saw it, you would even say it . . ." He paused and stared at the Fellowship, "What can fit?"
"Blows." Gimli grunted and the elf tossed a snowball in his face, "Mows."
"I am over my cold, Gimli son of Gloin!" Legolas snarled, "And just because there isn�t a Christmas carol about you, doesn�t mean you have to get jealous and violent!"
Gimli had a half-melted snowball dripping from his face. He was in no mood to argue.
"And if, you ever saw it!" Legolas was singing again, "You would even say it . . . was pretty!"
"That doesn�t fit." Gimli groaned and managed to duck as the elf lobbed another snowball.
"All of the other elven-princes," The elf paused again, "There�s only one elfin prince."
"Well, goodie-goodie-gosh-gosh." The dwarf rolled his eyes.
"All of the other elven-princes," Legolas sang, "Used to praise and admire his nose! They did let good ol� Legolas join in all the elven games! Then one foggy Christmas pageant, Elrond came to say. �Legolas with your nose so pretty, won�t you go and claim first prize?�"
"Oh give me a break." Aragorn finally complained, but the elf continued.
"Then all the elfin-princes loved him, and they all shout with glee . . ." Legolas sighed, "Legolas the pretty-nosed elven prince! You�ll go down in his-tory!"
"All I want for Christmas is a roll of duct tape," Gandalf sang softly, "A roll of duct tape, oh a roll of duct tape. All I want for Christmas is a roll of duct tape . . . SO I CAN SHUT UP THE ELF!"
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"Gimli, the FAT DWARF," Legolas was snarling to the tune of �Frosty, the Snowman�, as a terrible blizzard blew up on the mountains, snow swirling about the elf, "Was a very crabby soul, with a plastic pipe and a pudgy nose and two eyes made out of burnt lembas . . . Thumpity, Thump-Thump, Thumpity-Thump-Thump look at Gimli go . . . Thumpity, Thump-Thump, Thumpity-Thump-Thump, Over the hills of snow! "
"SHUT UP!" The dwarf screamed angrily, and frowned as his eyelashes had almost froze together, "SHUT UP!"
"Hey, you were jealous you didn�t have a carol about you, now you do!" The elf squealed, and as the temperature dropped, Legolas�s spirits rose, "You should hail me as your savior!"
"My SAVIOR?" Gimli spat, "YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING!"
"Elves never kid." Legolas glared angrily, "It feels so Christmas-y!"
"We�ve noticed." Gandalf replied dryly.
"Now where are my Christmas lights?" The elf dug around in his bag, and whipped out a gigantic Santa costume and held it over Gandalf for size, "OOH! This would look perfect on you!"
"No it would not." Gandalf snarled, "It would look perfect shoved down your throat!"
"But then who would entertain you with their delightful elven voice?" Legolas giggled and ran away above the light snow, out of Gandalf�s reach, singing at the top of his lungs, "Dashing through the snow, with the Committee of Nine, over hills we go, laughing all the way!"
"You�re the only one laughing." Boromir snarled and was dragging Billy and a half-frozen Sam up the mountain, "Or giggling."
"That�s because you�re not in the spirit!" The elf jumped up, "We all have to sing together!" The Fellowship gave Boromir a dirty look. "Now let�s sing something we all know!" And to the tune of �Wheels on the Bus� the elf sang, "The Braids of Gimli go flop, flop, flop . . . flop, flop, flop . . . flop, flop, flop . . . The Braids of Gimli go flop, flop, flop . . . all the way to Mordor!"
Gimli had had enough. He raised his axe and screamed, "The MOUTH of Legolas goes flap, flap, flap . . . flap, flap, flap . . . flap, flap, flap . . . The MOUTH of Legolas goes flap, flap, flap . . . all the way to Mordor! AND IF THIS CONTINUES . . . The AXE of Gimli will go CHOP, CHOP, CHOP . . ."
"You wouldn�t dare!" Legolas touched his nose, "This nose is far too pretty!"
"You DON�T want to try me!" Gimli roared, and as the elf sprang away, he hopped up onto the thin upper crust of snow, but crashed through again with a muffled yell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wind whistled outside their little camp, and Sam looked about at the �shelter� Aragorn had found, claiming that it was as good as they were going to find. Precisely, it was little more than a stone overhang and a magical fire was burning the many faggots of wood Boromir had insisted they haul up the mountain. Sam waved his little toes and wondered if he were going to have to get them removed. They were getting a little stiff. And it was so cold! The rest of the hobbits huddled together with Billy and the dog as Boromir and Aragorn played at dice, Gandalf puffed on his pipe and Gimli sharpened his axe (for the millionth time). Across the ways, however, was a tiny, but brightly lit dome tent of lime green. Within, with a portable heater, was a certain elf who thought that the cold would damage his complexion.
"It�s cold up here." Adhara offered, her teeth clattering, and Boromir rolled his eyes (he lost again to Aragorn), "Why are we up here, anyway?"
"Because we can�t get through the Gap of Rohan and some weenie won�t go through Moria." Gimli snarled and gave Gandalf a mean look, "And I don�t mean the elf either."
"I heard that!" A nasty voice of Legolas snapped as he peered out from his tent, "It�s cold out there!"
"Hmm." The rest of the Fellowship glared angrily as the elf zipped up his tent flap and disappeared again. Frodo was afraid that the Ring would get permanently affixed to his skin with the nasty cold, "Why can�t we go and warm our little feet in the warm tent?"
"This is it!" Aragorn stood and tossed the dice cup at Boromir angrily, "You are using loaded dice! I WANT MY MONEY BACK YOU CHEATER!"
"Hey!" Boromir cried, "You�re the one winning!"
"I WANT MY MONEY BACK!" Aragorn hollered loudly, "GIVE IT TO ME!"
"I don�t have your money!" Boromir snarled right back, "We played five times and YOU won all five times! YOU use loaded dice! THEY ARE YOUR DICE!"
"You are an idiot!" Aragorn pelted the five dice one by one at Boromir who tried to run away, but was stiff with the cold. The final die bounced off Boromir�s shield. That was it. The heir of Denenthur had had enough. "Why are we out here? The hobbits are freezing to death while our ELF is all toasty warm in his stupid tent!"
Boromir stalked up to the tent and knocked on the tent flap loudly, "ARE YOU IN THERE ELF?"
"No!" Legolas whimpered, "I�m not in here!"
"Then who is this, you IDIOT!" Boromir screamed, "IF YOU DON�T SHOW YOUR UGLY FACE OUT HERE NOW, I WILL TOSS THE TENT OVER THE MOUNTAIN!"
"Oh, you wouldn�t dare!" Legolas cringed, "But anyway, it won�t do no good. The elf is not home!"
"THEN WHO IS THIS?" Boromir screamed again, "THAT IS TALKING TO ME?"
"Oh! I am just the . . ." The elf faltered, "Butler!"
"THE BUTLER?" Boromir whapped the side of the tent, "YOU HAVE A BUTLER?"
"Oh, I�m the butler! The butler does not have a butler!" Legolas cried, "Oh, maybe you want to speak with Legolas Greenleaf? He�s NOT HOME!"
"Then why do you sound suspiciously like Legolas Greenleaf?" Boromir growled, "EH?"
"Oh! Me?!" The elf pinched his nose, "I don�t sound like Legolas Greenleaf now do I?"
"You sound like Legolas Greenleaf pinching his nose." Boromir pushed at the tent, "I�m serious. Honestly. And he was in the tent two seconds ago."
"Oh, Master left by the back door!" Legolas called, still pinching his nose.
"The back door?" Boromir kicked the tent, "There is no back door."
"Yes there is! Have you checked?" The elf thought he could no longer keep up this charade, but his tent was HIS and not the measly hobbit�s! The instant Boromir walked off to the back of the tent, Legolas unzipped the tent flap and zipped it up again.
"There is NO BACK DOOR!" Boromir roared as he stalked up to the front again, "OPEN UP!"
"Alright, no rush." Legolas answered in his normal voice and peeked out, "You were asking for me? My butler said that you were calling."
"Your butler?" Boromir shoved his head into the warm tent and looked about. Just a sleeping bag, half-eaten dinner and a portable heater. "Where is he now, then, elf?"
"Oh, my butler?" Legolas sighed, "He left by the back door."
"THE BACK DOOR? WHAT BACK DOOR?" Boromir roared for the final time, grabbed the elf by the scruff of the neck and tossed him out of the tent. The elf went flying and went screaming, "I DON�T HAVE A PILOT�S LICENCE!"
"Oh, hobbits! Look!" Adhara shuttled the hobbits into the warm tent and they finally unthawed themselves, warming their cute little toes by the portable heater, snuggled up in the squishy pink sparkly sleeping bag, "Isn�t that better?"
"We want in too!" Boromir suddenly decided, and soon, the hobbits were squished up against the heater (Sam who was the nearest, thought it was much too warm and began sweating like crazy), as Gimli, Gandalf, Adhara, Sirius, Boromir and Aragorn squished into the tent. Billy was nearly forgotten outside, but Sam cried for his pony who was brought in as Boromir zipped up the tent.
Unfortunately, as there were so many in the tent, Boromir had to pull extra hard at the little zipper pull. The zipper pull was supposed to be for gentle elven hands and soon snapped off. Boromir glanced at the little silver pull in his hand, "Oops."
"We�re stuck in a tiny tent with no way to get out because some MAN pulled too hard on the ZIPPER?" Adhara groaned, "Well, at least it is well grounded. When the storm is over, then we can just slice our way out with blades." The wind tore at the sides of the tent with a loud flapppppp sound, and the tent moved. Slightly. Adhara gulped. "It is well grounded, isn�t it?"
"It probably was." Boromir admitted sheepishly, "Before I kicked it."
"This makes our situation a little different," She snarled sarcastically, "We�re stuck in a tiny tent with no way to get out and we�re going to get BLOWN off the mountain!"
"Wouldn�t that be fun?!" The hobbits chorused, their little faces rosy with happiness, "OOH!"
A small knock at the door soon diverted their attention. "Butler?" The voice called, "Are you home?"
"NO!" The entire Fellowship chorused.
"Ooh, my staff seems to have grown!" The little elven voice outside the tent cheerfully called, "What seems to me to be aside from my butler; a valet, a cook, a secretary, a gardener, a janitor, a baker, a massager, a manservant, a groom, and even a second butler!"
"Oh gosh." Boromir called, "Get lost, elf!"
"What are you all doing in my tent?!" Legolas called, and began pounding on the outside of the tent, "LET ME IN!"
"We can�t!" Adhara called back, "The zipper was pulled off!"
"Oh you wrecked my tent?!" The elf shrieked and with his bare hands, tore the kevlar door to shreds and with a gush of cold wind, hopped in with a terrific bang.
"NO!" Boromir screamed, as the tent shuffled slowly closer to the edge of the precipice, "The tent�s not grounded well!"
"Of course I ground things well!" Legolas waved his arms about, "See? You don�t see the tent falling now do you?" He pushed at everything he could see, "FALLING . . ."
The rest of the statement was drowned out as with a final pitch, the last cable snapped with a snap and the entire tent (with Fellowship) was pitched over the side of the cliff.
"Ooh." Legolas suddenly called, "Why do I feel as though I am free falling?"
"Maybe because you are, you idiot." Aragorn growled, "We are falling over a cliff. It seems to be a bottomless pit."
"But that would mean we�d fall forever!" The elf patted down his hair, "Ooh . . . that would ruin my hair!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gollum looked about the clearing into which all the people had disappeared. They were not there either. Must have gone up mountain. They had promised to let Gollum use the phone and he was quite intent on making them keep their word. Gollum had just managed to get to the foot of the mountain when he paused and breathed in the fresh mountain air. Ah! It was so lovely! And to think that he was so intent on getting a phone to make a call when he could have paused and smelt all this splendor! What a beautiful day! Not a cloud in the sky!
He looked up again. In the expanse of blue, there was something funny. A dark shape falling towards him. A very dark shape. A dark lime green dome shape. Gollum frowned. Maybe he should step away. Nah. Funny dark shapes never ever hurt him . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CRUNCH! The entire Fellowship crashed back down to square one, namely, the bottom of the mountain. Aragorn heaved a large sigh and kicked angrily at their elf who thought that it was the dwarf and pinched Gimli instead.
"OOH!" Merry piped up, "I think I�ve broken something!"
"Okay! That�s it!" Legolas hopped out of the tent, his nimble elf self, and waved his open hand in front of everyone, "You owe me a new TENT!"
"And YOU still owe me for that sweater." Frodo (who was squished beneath Sam and the portable heater) yelled, "Now give me my money!"
"I wondered what we landed on." Adhara shooed the Fellowship out of the tent and peeled the kevlar away from what seemed to be one very squished Gollum. "Aww, poor Gollum!"
"Poor Gollum squished!" Gollum squeaked and found himself squished flatter than a pancake, "It just hit me. Ouch."
"Hmm." Aragorn stepped out of the tent and looked about, "We seem to be back at Square One."
"It doesn�t take a genius to figure that out." Boromir offered, "Hmm."
"Hmm what?" Gimli looked up, "Well, I suppose we could try that again."
"Oh, no we can�t." Legolas glared, "Not without my thermal tent! I�ll get a complexion problem!"
"Alright," Gandalf shushed everyone up, "We can�t go up the mountain. There are two choices."
"Ooh, sounds better than Elrond�s You have but one choice!" Legolas giggled, and Gimli shut him up with a mean look, "Sorry."
"The elf apologizing?" Gimli bent down and kissed the ground, "OOH!"
"Shut up." Legolas kicked the dwarf in the head, "You�re an idiot!"
"We could go through the Mines of Moria!" The dwarf suggested, "Or I suppose we could go through the Gap of Rohan . . ."
"The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard," Aragorn offered, "But I wonder . . ."
"Hmm . . ." Legolas sighed, "Mines of Moria, is that a shopping mall?"
"Shh . . ." Sirius turned back into a human and Aragorn quickly ducked behind a bush, "I smell something funny." Gimli shot the elf a dirty look. "No, it�s not lavenders. But . . ." He looked about in the falling night (where oh where has the time gone?), "There . . ." Sirius pointed and out of the dark shadows of trees, yellow eyes blinked. Many pairs of them.
"Those aren�t flickering Christmas lights now are they?" Legolas whimpered, "They can�t hurt us, can they?"
"Enemy forces!" Aragorn suddenly got the idea and stepped out of the bush as Sirius turned back into a dog (this was getting a little inconvenient), "Wolves!"
"Hmm." Legolas pulled out a large bottle, "Tabasco sauce!" And proceeded to slather it on himself as though it were sunscreen, humming a little tune.
"What are you doing?" Gandalf had drawn his sword and the hobbits were hurriedly building up their fire, "Maybe stringing your bow may be a better choice of activities!"
"No, no, no." The elf hummed again and continued to spread the sauce until he was generally red all over, recapped the bottle, and tossed it back into a pocket, "There!" And then he proceeded to ready his bow for battle.
"What was the point of the Tabasco hot sauce?" Adhara asked, wand drawn and Sirius at her heels, "We�re not at a barbecue!"
"So the wolves won�t eat me." The elf offered, "They will think it�s too hot and burn their little tongues right out of their mouths!"
"Well, maybe these wolves like hot spicy elf!" Gimli grunted, "Spicy and crispy!"
"And 100% lean!" Legolas chorused, "And certified ORGANIC!"
"Oh gosh." Boromir rolled his eyes, "At least he doesn�t smell like a lavender any more."
"Oh, thanks for reminding me." The elf grinned, "I must get some more lavender scent!"
"Um." The heir of Denenthur growled, "Right."
"Wolves." The hobbits chorused, "They�ll huff and puff and they�ll blow us all down!"
"Only if you�re three feet tall." A certain elf snapped, but Legolas tossed over the Tabasco sauce, "Here. This may help." And all the hobbits covered themselves from their curly tops of hair to their curly bottoms of their feet hair with Tabasco Deluxe Hot Sauce With Additional Peppers, "There. The wolves won�t eat you now."
"Here." The elf continued and tossed another bottle at Gimli who decided to slather it on in big brown globs, "This will help you."
"What is it?" Gimli sniffed at his covered hands as he handed back the bottle, "Doesn�t smell like Tabasco."
"It isn�t." Legolas confirmed, "It�s BBQ sauce!"
"BARBECUE SAUCE?!" The dwarf hollered, "THIS IS MURDER!"
"No." The elf sighed, "You put it on yourself. It is merely assisted suicide!"
"AHHHH!" Gimli screamed and before he could rub the goop off his arm, Aragorn hollered a warning.
"Look!" Boromir called as from the darkness, a wolf leapt, but fortunately, never got even close to them as the bow of Legolas sang. Unfortunately, with this, the voice of Legolas sang.
To the tune of Broadway classic, On the Street Where You Live, the elf belted out into the darkness, "I have often shot, in the dark before. But my aim has always stayed within my sights, before. Now all at once I am, aiming far too high. Now that I�m cov-ered with Ta-bas-co! And oh, the towering feeling, just to know I am so hot and spicy . . ."
"Oh man." Adhara complained, "Someone shut up the elf."
"Man?" Boromir asked, "Oh, I�m a man! I must shut up the elf!" And proceeded to whack Legolas on the back of the head with a shield, "Oh shut up!"
"Hey! That damaged my cranium!" Legolas whimpered, "Ouch!"
"MUSHROOMS!" The hobbits suddenly screamed and all ran away from the fire towards the direction of the mountains, and the rest of the Fellowship turned in time to see a gigantic stampede of gray wolves coming towards them
"WHAT THE HECK?" Boromir screamed and quickly followed the hobbits into the dark, followed by the rest of the Fellowship, "AKK!"
The entire flood of wolves screamed in the Common Tongue, as one, "WE WANT! WE WANT! WE WANT!"
"AHH!" Legolas screamed and sprinted ahead of Boromir, "AHH!"
"What do they WANT?!" Aragorn screamed at Gandalf who shrugged, "AHHH!"
"WE WANT! WE WANT!" The wolves changed, "HOT SPICY ELF WINGS!"
"AHHH!" Legolas confirmed and sprinted even faster, "AHHH!"
"I told you they liked hot spicy elf wings!" Adhara screamed to the elf, "I told you!"
"WE WANT!" The wolves were chanting again, "HOT SPICY HOBBITS!"
"MUSHROOMS!" The entire hobbit population of the Fellowship screamed in the darkness, "AHH!"
"WE WANT!" The wolves chanted (once again), "BARBECUE DWARF!"
"NOOOO!" Gimli roared and ran after the fleeing hobbits and elf, "NOOOOOOO!"
"Well, at least it doesn�t want to eat us," Aragorn sighed, and slowed down as did the rest of the Fellowship who were not running for their lives. Boromir sat down on a large rock as the wolves passed them in a blur of gray, setting down his shield and looked at it to see if it required any polishing.
"Wait a moment." Adhara frowned, "You�re the Fellowship of the Ring, aren�t you?"
"Yep." Boromir nodded as he took out a buffing cloth and a tin of shield wax, "Of course."
"Um," She paused, "Aren�t you supposed to be protecting the Ring bearer?"
"Yep." Boromir unscrewed the lid of the wax, "Of course."
"Um," Adhara placed her hands on her hips, "Then you are just going to sit here?!"
"Yep." Boromir began to polish the shield, "Of course."
"Wait a second." Aragorn jumped up, "What are we doing here?"
"Polishing the shield." Boromir applied a heavy coat of wax, "Of course."
"We should be over there!" The future King of Gondor pointed to where the hobbits had disappeared, "We must go protect Frodo!"
"Yep." Boromir waited for the wax to dry slightly, "Of course."
"GET OFF YOUR REAR END THEN!" Aragorn roared and hopped onto a rock, "Let�s go hunt some WOLF!"
"Um, alright. If you�re so excited about it." Adhara rolled her eyes, "I never thought that wolves were that exciting."
"Yep." Boromir began to buff the shield, "Of course."
"Boromir are you just going to stay there?!" Aragorn sighed, "Get up!"
"Yep." Boromir finished buffing the shield, "Of course!" And thus, the bearer of the Horn of Gondor sighed, and then finally stood, looked around and asked, "Hey, shouldn�t we be protecting the Ring Bearer?"
"That�s a good idea!" Adhara snapped sarcastically, "I never would have thought of that myself!"
"So let�s go hunt some RING BEARER!" Aragorn roared, "YEAH!"
"Well, if you said let�s go hunt some Ring," Adhara sighed, "I�d be scared."
"So, let�s go hunt some HOBBIT!" Aragorn roared again, "Nice, crispy and fried in Tabasco sauce!" And thus, all that was left of the Fellowship dashed off into the dark after the hobbits, an elf and a dwarf.