Aragorn knocked softly twice. "Knock, knock."
"Who�s there?" A sing-song elven voice called.
"Me." Aragorn sighed (the elf on duty was in the mood for games).
"Me-who?" The elf snarled.
"I have no time for this!" Aragorn pounded on the door.
"Who are you and what do you want?!" The sharp voice demanded, and Aragorn stared. He had never got that type of response before!
"I�m Aragorn, son of Arathorn!" Aragorn replied crisply, "Remember me?"
"Oh, go away!" The voice returned, "I�m not a drunk Mirkwood elf. I�m not that stupid. Aragorn�s gone to Mordor and even if he were riding an elven steed, which I note he is not, he couldn�t possibly be back yet. Now go away!"
"I�m not going to go away!" Aragorn screamed, "I want in!"
"Well, I�m not going to let you." The voice replied, "Unless you tell me whom you really are!"
"I�m Aragorn, son of Arathorn!" He pulled out the sword, "I even have the darn sword to prove it!"
"You could have stolen it." The voice snarled, "Go away before I sic my dogs on you!"
"Look, what�s this about me going to Mordor? I�m not going to Mordor! I was stuck in some place called Earth!" Aragorn began to get desperate (elven dogs are quite nasty), "Let me talk with Lord Elrond, then!"
"If you are Aragorn, Elrond already sent you to Mordor a few days ago." The voice laughed, "That�s a joke . . . Aragorn getting lost!"
"I�m not LOST!" Aragorn roared, "I�m not going to Mordor! I have to find that impostor! AND GUT HIM!" The elf at the other end was silent. Aragorn tapped, "Let me in."
"No." The elf replied crisply, and Aragorn looked around at the doors as though there was to be some message left by Elrond that a key was under the nearest bush or something. There was none. No posters at all except one.
"For Sale: Lady�s Apartments. Rooms with a View." Aragorn read, "Contact Lady Arwen for a private viewing." He paused and read it again. Arwen was leaving?
"HEY!" The elf suddenly yelled, "Are you gone yet?"
"Arwen is selling her apartments?!" Aragorn asked, confused, "What do you mean by that?"
"OH!" The voice seemed suddenly very friendly, "You wish to inquire about the apartments!" Seizing the opportunity, Aragorn screamed that he did, "Then why don�t you come on in? Private viewings today during sunlit hours only."
"Thanks!" Aragorn could hardly believe his luck.
"Wait a moment." The elf suddenly screamed, "You�re a MAN aren�t you? Then why are you interested in apartments for a lady?"
"Because . . ." Aragorn scratched his head, "I�m thinking about getting a gender change!"
"Arg!" The elf moaned, "That�s so disgusting! Get out of here! Rivendell will not welcome the likes of you!"
"Hey!" Aragorn tried again, "I�m just joking. I�m looking for a nice place for my . . . er . . . sister!" And remembered he didn�t have a sister. The elf didn�t know that though . . .
"Aragorn doesn�t have a sister." The elf snarled, "I thought you said you were Aragorn!"
"I�m not Aragorn!" Aragorn tried, very extremely desperate by now, "I�m . . ." He thought of the first name he could come up with, "Boromir!"
"Boromir went to Mordor too, nice try." The elf laughed, "Try again."
Aragorn began naming all his friends, "Gimli . . . Gandalf . . . Legolas . . ." and thought of the hobbits, "Frodo . . . Merry . . . Pippin . . . Sam . . ."
"Do you have multi-personality problems or something?" The elf was laughing so hard, he could hardly breathe, "They�re all off to Mordor!"
"Seems like a regular party." Aragorn pounded on the door, "Why are so many people going to Mordor? The yearly �hot spot� for travel?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" With a laugh, the elf was pounding on something now, "Yes, Mordor is quite hot . . ."
"JUST LET ME IN!" Aragorn finally screamed, "NOW!"
"We�re on tight security." The guard snarled, "So if you want to come in . . . TOO BAD!"
"What�s the standard protocol?" Aragorn tried to recall, "Don�t I have to recite an elvish rhyme or something?"
"Are you kidding?" The elf laughed again, rather annoyingly, "You can download them from the Internet!"
"The Internet?" Aragorn frowned, "What is the Internet? Oh never mind." He looked around, "I�ll find my own way in."
"Well, there is only one door." The elf thought the conversation was finished and Aragorn walked away.
"Hmm." He muttered to himself, and eyed the rather slick, but climbable walls of Rivendell, "No one said I had to enter through a door . . ." But then he paused. Aragorn was off to Mordor? No he wasn�t! And elves of Rivendell did not usually drink until they were drunk . . . so perhaps everyone did think he was off in Mordor! Now what would he be doing in Mordor? But that was not the important point. Someone (how dare he) was pretending to be . . . Aragorn, son of Arathorn!
"I suppose I�d better go figure this out first." Aragorn frowned, and looked back at Rivendell. He really ought to drop by and say hello to Arwen, but since the stupid elf wouldn�t let him in, it wouldn�t be his fault now would it?
"You know," The elf suddenly spoke, "I know you�re still there."
"You said I�ve gone to Mordor?" Aragorn asked, "What for?"
"To destroy the Ring!" The elf sighed, "Frankly, I don�t see why, it isn�t that ugly or anything, just a little plain. Take my own ring for example. You see it came from my grandmummy�s granddaddy�s grandmummy thrice removed on my third mother�s side . . ." He trailed on, but Aragorn quickly paled.
The situation became clear. Someone was pretending to be him. And all this friends thought that this person was him. But that wouldn�t be possible! A person couldn�t possibly look like and think like another unless magic were involved! Magic! Dark magic! Aragorn groaned, why didn�t he see this before? And without a further word, he quickly left Rivendell and started eastward, hoping to catch up with the rest of the party before the next day, muttering all the while, "I�m not called Wingfoot for nothing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ah, it is such a very pretty day! A very pretty breeze is blowing in my very pretty hair!" A very pretty elf sighed, and perched prettily on a pretty rock, prettily watching the hobbits prettily prepare their pretty breakfast, "Oh, that is such a pretty smell from such a pretty breakfast prettily cooked by some not so very pretty hobbits."
"Hey." Pippin glared at the elf, "I heard that."
"Mmm . . ." Boromir was polishing his shield and looking forward to an early start while Gandalf sat upon a rather large stone blowing smoke rings into the air. "Looks shiny. Like a mirror."
"Ooh, let�s see!" Legolas pretended to be interested and Boromir who loved his shield very much held it up for the elf to see. He stared into it, and Boromir honestly thought Legolas�s look of joy was over the prettiness of the shield, but once the elf whipped out a little brush and started fixing his hair, Boromir turned his shield away in disgust. "Oh well, I am still very pretty. I just need a slight tan." And thus, their elf lay down on a rock to catch some early rays.
"Hey look," Sirius stared on the horizon and there seemed to be something coming towards them, "What the heck is that?"
"Just a wisp of cloud." Gimli shrugged, and looked as well, "I think."
"No, you idiot." Legolas looked, "It�s the swarm of flies you attract with your stench!"
"WHAT STENCH?" The dwarf snarled, "It�s the bees you attract with your lavender bubble bath!"
"It�s coming fast. Against the wind." Boromir commented on the reflection in his shield.
"I thought clouds traveled with the wind!" Frodo sighed, "Don�t they?"
"Yes, they do." Gandalf replied tartly and looked as well. Like Advil, one look was often enough and the wizard quickly paled and caught Sirius�s attention. "Looks like birdies. And I don�t mean the badminton kind, either."
"Would hide be a very good suggestion at this point in time?" Sam asked, and before you could say yes, Sam, that is very obvious, the entire Fellowship had managed to conceal themselves in a tiny little crevice Sirius had at first thought to use as a bundle stash. Unfortunately, as he was placing the very last bundle in the little crack, Legolas stuffed the man in and followed suit by stuffing himself into the hole. As the Fellowship members were not very original, they fought like tiny piglets and managed to squish all nine of them and Billy into a little crack not much bigger than a Vincent Massey Senior One locker. Group mentality.
"My face is squished!" Sirius moaned, as he struggled to breathe (Gimli and Legolas were sitting on him and his face was pressed up against Billy and a stone wall), "Can�t someone move?"
"Shut up." The elf (who was sat on by two hobbits and a very warm frying pan was placed on his face) kicked him sharply, and at the very top of the pile, Gandalf (sitting on three hobbits and a man with a honking shield) poked around with his staff. "Shut up."
Everyone shut upped and it was not a moment too early, for suddenly the birdies were upon them, and fortunately, they soon flew away after that.
"They didn�t see anything!" Pippin whispered, "Phew!"
"Hey, do you smell smoke?" Frodo asked, and tried to get out from underneath Gandalf, "I smell smoke."
"Who put out the fire?" Sam kicked at Gimli who kicked him right back, "I didn�t."
"Oh, Sam! You were supposed to!" Frodo pinched Sam.
"Ouch! Oh, I�m sorry Master Frodo!" Sam pinched Frodo.
"So that means that the birds saw this big fire?" Boromir pinched Gimli.
"Oh, and they thought twenty four blackbirds in a pie." Gimli pinched Boromir.
"No, they knew that we were around you idiot." Legolas pinched Gandalf.
"They knew we were here?" Gandalf pinched Legolas.
"Maybe it started of natural causes!" Merry pinched a bundle (he thought it was someone).
"As if a natural fire would have tomatoes, bacon and sausages on it!" The bundle pinched Merry.
"Why didn�t you put out the fire?" Sirius pinched Pippin.
"Because I thought you were going to." Pippin pinched Sirius.
"I was stuck in here with my face against a pony." Sirius pinched Billy. Billy didn�t say anything. He kicked Sirius in the face. Sirius felt his nose crumple. "An action is worth ten thousand words."
"Let�s get out of here!" A very squished (at least to himself) Gimli roared, "I�m not spending time in a confined space with an elf!"
"Well, you stink!" Legolas hollered right back, "And your axe is taking up too much room in here!"
"Well, you are taking up too much room in here!" Gimli made a move to pitch the elf out of their little hidey hole but Sirius grabbed him just in time.
"Look, those birds may be still out there. I think an elf or an axe popping out of no where just might grab their attention." He wisely sighed, "My nose is bleeding."
"EEW!" Legolas shrieked, "I�m in a little hidey hole! I just realized it! I have sank to the level of all you rabble! Hiding from my enemies!"
"Oh shut up." Gimli kicked their elf, "You�re so loud they can hear you in Mirkwood."
"Oh, really?" Their elf kicked their dwarf, and Legolas roared, "HELLO TO ALL BACK HOME IN MIRKWOOD!"
"I was exaggerating." The dwarf rolled his eyes.
"Now, this is folly." Boromir tried to turn around so that he could face the duo he was talking to, but he managed to wedge himself closer to the wall as he twisted and his shield fell across him and Billy took the rest of the space. "Oof. For pity�s sakes! Move over!"
"Stop pushing!" A hobbit voice insisted and a tiny shove hit Boromir�s leg.
"I�m not pushing." Boromir kicked in the direction of the shove.
"Stop pulling." The hobbit voice returned and with a larger shove at the leg.
"I�m not pulling." Boromir kicked out again.
"What�s this?" The hobbit grabbed Boromir�s leg, and examined it in the limited light, "It looks like an . . ."
"Oh, Master Frodo! Look! A big ugly snake!" Sam�s squeak came with the drawing of a blade, "Do not be afraid, Master Frodo! Sam is here!" And instead of the little �shove� a sharp pain ran up Boromir�s leg. "See, I have slain it!"
"The thing you have slain, you fool of a Gamgee is my leg!" Boromir roared.
"No it�s not." Sam insisted.
"Yes it is!" Boromir was in pain for obvious reasons and was glaring angrily at where he thought the hobbits were.
"Prove it!" The hobbit snarled.
"Alright," Boromir wiggled his toes, "See? I�m wiggling my toes?"
"AKK! The snake!" Sam screamed, "Don�t worry Master Frodo! The snake is coming back to life, but I will hack it rightly apart this time!"
"NO!" Boromir yelled, "That�s my leg!" And as he tried to move away from the hobbits, he only managed to fall against Gimli who in turn bumped into Legolas who was brushing his hair.
"AKK!" Legolas screamed, and shoved at Gimli, "You stupid dwarf! Can�t you see I�m busy?" And set about untangling his hair. "You see? You made a knot. Now I must slice it off or something!"
"I could care less!" The dwarf, who had fallen against Boromir (sending the man back to square one), screamed, and punched the elf who ducked, but the blow caught his stupid hair brush. "OUCH!" Gimli yelped as a million little pins smashed into his fist.
"Oh no!" Legolas lost the grip on the brush and it fell into the darkness, "Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Master Frodo!" Sam was saying, "Don�t you see? The snake is alive again! And it�s thrashing around! I must slice off the head!" The hobbit paused, "Which looks like it is stuck in a boot!"
"THAT�S MY LEG!" Boromir screamed, "Don�t you dare you little halfling!"
"Little halfling." Sam paused. "Isn�t that redundant? Oh well, must save Master Frodo by chopping apart snake . . . it would make a good stew, you know." The hobbit added as an afterthought.
"NO!" Boromir screamed, "For pity�s sake! That�s my leg!"
"Oh, Boromir must be going crazy!" Sam sniffled, "Poor Boromir! He thinks big snake is his leg!"
"IT IS MY LEG!" Boromir screamed right back.
"Oh well, it must be done!" The hobbit screamed, and lifted his blade which just caught the lock of hair Legolas was holding out to catch the limited light, and luckily, the cut was clean and the little knot of hair fell into the darkness. Sam brought the blade down and Boromir shrieked with pain as the hobbit paused at his hacking. "This snake is very tough. Can not get through. Very bloody though."
"Oh, man, what�s going on? It smells like rain!" Sirius, who was still stuck on the bottom, held out his hand and caught a few �raindrops� in one hand, and a golden elf brush in the other. "Whose brush is this?"
"Brush?" Gandalf looked interested, "Must be Billy�s."
"No, it�s golden and it looks elven." Sirius looked at it closely.
"Well, then, it might be your elf�s." Legolas snarled and dove in the darkness towards the back of the cave, ending up sprawled across Gimli and Billy. "Give me my brush!" And an elven hand reached down through the little cracks the squish of Fellowship allowed, and Sirius handed over the brush.
"My LEG!" Boromir screamed, "STOP HACKING AT MY LEG!"
"Oh, look, Master Frodo!" Sam pointed out something interesting, "Look at this! The snake wears a boot on his head and clothing on his body!" He touched at the bloody material, "Looks like good Gondor cloth! A snake of Gondor!"
"No! It�s a leg of Gondor!" Boromir kicked out at the hobbits.
"Look!" Sam gasped again, "It is still alive, the vile thing!"
"GO AWAY!" Boromir kicked out randomly, and finally managed to contact something.
"Oh, Master Frodo! Your poor face! The snake has eaten it!" Oh. So Boromir had kicked Frodo. Sam redoubled his hacking efforts, "EWW! You vile thing! Give it back! Give it back!"
"The snake can not give back my face, Sam." Frodo�s voice came from somewhere below them, "Look, it didn�t eat my face. It kicked my eye."
"You can have a shiner in the morning!" Sirius grinned, but as he was in the darkness, no one could see but himself. "Are the birds gone yet? Can we get out of here?"
"Oh, what�s wrong?" Gimli sounded offended, "Don�t you like caves?"
"Not when I�m squished up to eight other men and a pony." Sirius snarled.
"MEN?!" An elf gasped (guess who) and began madly tearing at everything he could get his hands on, "This is it! I quit! This stupid Fellowship! Everyone keeps on calling me a MAN!" He took a deep breath, and continued, all in one breath, "This is so totally insulting and I don�t understand why Elrond would have chosen such rabble and I thought that men were better than stupid dwarves but the truth is they both tend to stink and smell and don�t go to REE and technically therefore from my research I am allowed to conclude my course of action which is that I must resign from your stupid idiotic Fellowship because you all try to insult me because you are all jealous of me because I am prettier!"
"We are not trying to insult you, elf." Gimli snarled, "And we are NOT jealous of you because you claim that you are pretty!" And then paused, "You know, there�s a way we can get out of here."
"Yes, you idiot, the same way we came in." Legolas pinched the dwarf.
"No, you idiot, by digging." Gimli pinched the elf.
"Yes, you idiot, elves dig." Legolas pinched the dwarf.
"No, you idiot, a dwarf does." Gimli pinched the elf.
"Yes, you idiot, we would go deeper." Legolas pinched the dwarf.
"No, you idiot, we�d go up." Gimli pinched the elf.
"Yes, you idiot, that would be helpful." Legolas pinched the dwarf.
"No, you idiot, we�d go into the Mines of Moria." Gimli pinched the elf. Hard.
"WILL YOU STOP PINCHING ME!" Legolas slapped Gimli in the face, "NOW GET OUT OF HERE!"
"YOU STARTED IT!" Gimli punched Legolas in the face, "YOU GET OUT!"
"Why did you punch me?" Legolas screamed and pinched Gimli, "You wussie!"
"At least I don�t slap." Gimli screamed, "You�re the wussie!"
"HEY!" Legolas punched the dwarf in the face, "Is that better?"
"Can we stop arguing?" Sirius moaned, "Please?"
"If he says he is sorry!" The dwarf pointed to elf.
"If he says he is very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sorry with sprinkles and a cherry on top!" The elf pointed to the dwarf.
"Why do I have to be more sorry than you?" The dwarf swung a punch.
"Because you are a dwarf." The elf swung a punch.
"Hey, stop hitting me!" Gandalf (who was getting elbowed by the elf) and Boromir (who was getting his leg chopped off and elbowed by a dwarf) roared, "Let�s get out of here!"
"I�d rather face all of Mordor and Isengard�s evil in one blow than sit here for another second listening to you two!" Boromir screamed, and with a mighty shove, the entire Fellowship (Billy included) popped out of the little cave as though a champagne cork, and all ended up sprawled on a snowy bank of some high mountain.
"Ah, the fresh mountain air!" Legolas stood and shaded his fair elven eyes from the sun, "I must sing for you! These hills must be alive with the sound of music!"
"No, not the singing!" Gimli pleaded, but it was too late. Their elf had burst into song.
�Round and �round the concert of rocks,
The elf-ie chased the dwarf-el!
The elf-ie thought it all �twas in fun,
Pop goes the dwarf-el!
"Hey!" Gimli roared, "And you didn�t pop out of there?"
"Elves do not pop my stinky dwarf!" Legolas laughed, "Dwarves do."
"Oh, yeah right!" The dwarf began to sing his own version of Pop! Goes the Weasel, but before he had proceeded past the end of the first line, Legolas had begun to chase the dwarf and Gimli�s voice adopted a very �airy� sound as the dwarf was getting a little out of breath, but the dwarf kept on singing;
�Round and �round the concert of rocks,
The dwarf-ie chased the elf-el!
The dwarf-ie thought it all �twas in fun,
Pop goes the elf-el!
"GET BACK HERE!" Gandalf screamed, but to no avail, both dwarf and elf rounded a rocky corner and were gone, leaving the wizard to mutter something about the evils of civil war.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"For Sale: Lady�s Apartments. Rooms with a View." Adhara read, "Contact Lady Arwen for a private viewing." She paused and read it again. Finally. Civilization. After following that bunch of slime-covered ape men and a spew-covered thing for about three hours, she had realized that Aragorn had gone somewhere to the west. And after that, she had decided to follow and came to a large white wall with a set of gates and a large sign boasting apartments for hire. There was no sign to indicate where she was. "This is stupid."
"What is stupid?" A voice asked from inside the gates, "Are you trying to give me the silent treatment?"
"What are you talking about?" Adhara looked around, and saw no one, so she assumed that it was some guard with too much time on his hands, "I�m not giving you the silent treatment. Where am I? Who are YOU?"
"You are almost in Rivendell. ALMOST." The other laughed, "And I am an elf and my name is Ackabara."
"Ackabara?" Adhara stared, "What kind of name is Ackabara?"
"It means in elven, the female driver of the taxi." The voice replied.
"But you don�t sound feminine." Adhara frowned, "Ackabara?"
"Yes, Ackabara." Ackabara laughed again, "I�m named after my mother. You see, my parents had this bet on and the first born (they thought it was going to be a girl) would be named after her and the second would be named after him. My sister�s name is Ackabar."
"As in . . ." Adhara paused, "AKK! A BAR!"
"Yes, as in AKK A BAR!" Ackabara sighed, "You see, my father was a Mirkwood elf and frequently drunk. So when he tried to prevent this dreadful thing from occurring to him (getting drunk) he stayed away from alcoholic beverages! But alas, his resolve was always tested when he saw a bar so his favorite saying was always, "AKK! A BAR!""
"Oh." She sighed, and recalled Aragorn mentioning something about an Arwen. Maybe this was her. Maybe he was here. Maybe she could find him . . . and then what? Arg, what part of England were they in now, anyway? This didn�t look like any tourist attraction she�d ever been to. Maybe it was that new theme park. Yes, that had to be it. Rivendell? Water park, then. "Do you know anyone named Aragorn?"
"Yes, I do." Ackabara replied, "Actually, there was a fellow here a few hours ago. Claimed to be Aragorn."
"What did you do with him?!" Adhara knew this to be the real Aragorn, "Where did he go?"
"I didn�t let him in because the real Aragorn is off in Mordor! East." Ackabara protested, "Are you still interested in the apartments?"
"YES!" Adhara screamed and pulled out a sack of gold, flinging it in the mail chute, "There, that should hold the apartments for me! I�ll be back!" And before Ackabara could protest, she ran off towards the east and hoped that it would not be too late and that she could catch up with Aragorn.