Suddenly, the little bell tied to his line began to ring, and the wizard snatched up a large net, peering out at the stream. Apparently, it wasn�t a fish which had snagged his line, but rather, a very large pile of soppy rags. Oh man. You�d think that people would use a garbage disposal facility! Saurman shook his head angrily, and retrieved the rags and set about untangling his line.
"This is so stupid." He muttered bitterly as he pricked his finger on his hook (luckily it wasn�t a Morgul Hook), "What kind of person would toss non-decomposable material in the stream, anyway?!" He soon found the answer to his question as he stretched out the rags (might do for wiping up the green paint spills at home) and found them to be articles of clothing. Saurman grinned, "There! I have a new paint smock!"
And quite glad, he flung the clothes onto a spiny bush to bake in the sun. He looked up in the sky and reckoned he had a few more hours of fishing time left. And hopefully they would start biting. Saurman sighed, then it would be back to Isengard again . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Legolas shivered slightly, and pointed to the three stone passageways before which the Fellowship had stopped, "I don�t suppose Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe would suffice at this point in time, eh?"
"Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe," Aragorn pointed to the tunnels, "Catch-a-black-orc-by-the-toe. If-he-hollers-let-him-go. Lord-El-rond-says-this-tunnel-is-it!" And he ended up pointing at the one towards the very far right. Gandalf gave Aragorn a perplexed look. "What?!" Aragorn sputtered, "That�s how it works!"
"Hmm." The wizard sighed, "I have no memory of this place!"
"Well, at least we won�t die of thirst!" Pippin called loudly, and to a little stone room off the side of this, was a gigantic stone tomb and a well.
Gimli placed his hands on his hips, "Have I seen you somewhere around before?"
"Look!" The hobbit was pointing down a well, "Does anyone have a penny?"
"This is not a wishing well," Aragorn replied tightly, "I suggest we�d get out of here."
"Hmm." Boromir sighed, "I say we�d better get out of here!"
"I�m getting out of here!" Legolas yelped, and before he could take a single step, Pippin had found a single penny residing in a pocket. "You�re not thinking of dropping that down the well, do you?"
"Of course not." Pippin snapped, "This is very highly mechanized!" The hobbit gestured to the skeleton of a dwarf with an arrow stuck in his chest, "We first place the penny on the arrow. Then we give the arrow a twist, and the penny will drop in!"
"Let�s see then," Adhara pushed Frodo aside for a better view, and the entire Fellowship clustered around the well, "You�d better not make a lot of noise, young hobbit, or we�ll have to slice your fingers off."
"I wish . . ." The hobbit closed his eyes, and mumbled something. Merry looked a little angry he could not decipher Pippin�s secret desire, but Pippin soon opened his eyes again, and placed the penny on the arrow. "There. Now we can work this thing . . ." And he turned the arrow. The shaft of the arrow turned. The point of the arrow turned. The bone in which the point of the arrow was buried turned. Bones do not like to be turned.
"Yipes!" Legolas squealed and jumped back (ramming over Gimli) as the entire set of 206 bones rattled noisily down the well, "Grab the chain!" And although no one realized what he was talking about in that split second, with a rat-a-thunk, the entire ensemble, dwarf, chain and bucket which were part of the well thunked their way down the deep well, their echoes surprisingly loud. "Wow. Must use that for a doorbell! It�s loud enough to catch my attention!"
The entire Fellowship gulped. So much for not making any noise. Everyone tried not to give Pippin a dirty look, but that was next to impossible. Sirius stuck out his floppy pink tongue and subconsciously, began drooling everywhere, in his doggy way. Pippin gulped again.
"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf snarled, "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"
"I must! I must!" The young hobbit squealed and if Aragorn had not grabbed him in time, Pippin would have thrown himself after the dwarf into the depths of the well, "Don�t stop me!"
"I didn�t mean literally!" The wizard growled.
"Doorbell . . ." The elf was muttering, "I don�t think that�s such a good thing."
"What do you mean by that?" Gimli was afraid of asking, "A doorbell?"
"The chain?" Legolas frowned, "As in ding-dong creatures of the deep! We have arrived!"
"Well, are they going to send a welcoming party?" The dwarf asked, "If we can not experience the fabled hospitality of the dwarves, at least we can experience the fabled hospitality of the orcs!"
"ORCS?" The elf�s eyes positively bulged, "ORCS?! What about ORCS?!"
"There are things fouler than orcs in these depths." Gandalf muttered, still glaring at Pippin.
"FOULER THINGS?!" Legolas�s eyes widened even more, "THAN ORCS?!"
"You�re not cut out to be a Ranger, bud," Aragorn tapped Legolas on the shoulder, "Tee hee hee."
"Ooh . . ." The elf wanted to chew a nail, but they were all worn down to the quick, "I . . . Um . . . What is fouler than an orc?"
"Um . . ." Boromir looked up at the ceiling, "You don�t want to know, Legi, if your concept of something mean and nasty is a man who hadn�t showered for a week."
"Ooh . . ." Legolas�s fair face was twisted with anguish and he gripped his night-light tightly, "Let�s get out of here!"
No sooner were the words out of the elf�s mouth when a deep droom-droom sounded from the depths, and Gandalf paled at the sound of the drums. It didn�t take Legolas much imagination to interpret the sounds as doom-doom and he gave such a shrill squeak Boromir was so surprised, he nearly dropped his shield.
"That isn�t knocking on the door, is it?" Legolas whimpered, "My BUTLER will get it!"
Gandalf closed his eyes, "They are coming."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Still with the arrow in his head, Gollum gulped noisily and wondered when would be the next time he found a nice fish to eat . . . still, that did not matter. He need to use a phone. NOW! He was starving for a double-anchovies pizza and wanted one . . . those nasty people had said that he could use their phone, but instead, ran him over with a funny green thing and shot at him with painful arrows! Darn them! Gollum crept into a large room with a large slab of funnily shaped stone. It was cold to the touch, and he yawned, needing a bit of sleep. Yawn . . . he really shouldn�t sleep here . . . always talked out loud in sleep . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Before they get here," Pippin suddenly suggested, "Let�s make a wish!"
"I HATE WISHING WELLS!" Legolas grabbed what seemed to be a million pennies out of a pocket in the toga and shoved them all down the well in one go, screaming, "I WISH THAT I WILL NOT GET KILLED!" And with another handful, "I WISH THAT I WILL NOT GET MAIMED!" With his last penny, he tossed, the elf cried, "Save my pretty little NOSE!"
"Oh gosh!" Boromir sighed, "That is folly!" And he tossed his own penny, "Save my shield!"
"That the Glory of Gondor be restored!" Aragorn, of course, and tossed a few pennies in.
"That Sirius will stop slobbering and I will figure out the opposite spell for Wingardium Leviosa!" Adhara tossed her coin and helped Sirius toss one as well, "May Sirius get . . . . lots of doggy kibbles."
"Um . . ." Gimli tossed his penny in, and realized something, "Why are we all making wishes when we should at least close the door." The dwarf pointed to the (obviously) door through which the orcs were going to come, "Don�t you think so?"
"Why didn�t you say so SOONER?!" Boromir roared, and sprang forward to the doors, "Gosh! What I wouldn�t give for these to be remote control!" Reaching them, he peered outside, only to almost be struck by a duo of arrows which came whizzing through the air. Boromir blinked, "I�m not a pin cushion!" And slammed the doors closed. Not fast enough. A decidedly awful smell smashed into his face and he coughed loudly. No mistaking THAT smell! Boromir looked at the door he just slammed shut, "Now what do you know, they have a cave troll!"
"CAVE TROLL?" Legolas bit at the very last sliver of nail, "I�m allergic to cave trolls! And now that you mention it, caves in general! And orcs!"
"Oh let them come!" Gimli roared, hopping onto the tomb (hoping that the genie was around here; he wasn�t), "There�s one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!"
"I hate to tell you, Gimli," Boromir hiked a finger at the closed door, "There�s plenty of orcs on the other side who draw breath and would like to pleasantly request that you do not use up their supply of oxygen."
"LOCK IT!" A nearly hysterical elf bit at his fingertips, as Aragorn and Boromir looked around for something, "KEEP THEM OUT!"
"The thought had occurred to me!" Aragorn pointed to a bunch of axes lying by various corpses throughout the hall, "Legolas! I need those!"
"YOU HAVE SUNKEN TO THE LEVEL OF DWARVES?" Legolas shrieked, but quickly apologized, "Not to say anything negative against Gimli," He sighed, and turned back to Aragorn, "You are abandoning your good strong elven bow and your good strong manly sword for a cowardly weenie dwarfish axe?!"
"Might I remind you, Aragorn," Frodo chose this moment to point out, "You have pledged your sword."
"Well, a sword isn�t very convenient for shoving into the door as a barricade you idiots!" Aragorn growled, and everyone nodded at the truth in this, "Well, what are you waiting for, elf?"
"Oh right!" Legolas delicately stepped over to a corpse of a dwarf, still gripping an axe in hand, "Excuse me Master Dwarf, I must borrow your axe to save my friends!" And thus, he yanked the weapon out of the skeleton�s hand and tossed it to Aragorn and Boromir who knew what to do with it. The elf proceeded onto the next dwarf, "Excuse me, Master Dwarf . . ."
"Legolas," Gandalf suggested, "It may be a good time to forget your manners."
"Of course not." The elf replied, "I will not have dwarfish ghosts after me for I did not use manners before borrowing their weapons!"
"Gosh." Gimli growled, "Here�s a spell I picked up in Dwarfish Grammar School. It prevents dwarfish ghosts from rising." The elf looked interested, "It�s abracadabra!"
"Oh!" Legolas yelped, with a big smile, "Sounds great!" And he yanked axe after axe out of the dwarfs� grips, screaming, "Abracadabra! Abracadabra! Abracadabra!" Boromir and Aragorn exchanged grins of amusement as they shoved the axes into the splintery wood of the door to the best of their knowledge, and took a few steps back to admire their handiwork.
"Nice on the crossing of axes in the left corner," Boromir was saying as he readied his shield (with a quick Gondor Shield Wax Quik-Wipe) and his sword, "Aragorn, but it must be balanced. In this era of decorating, you must balance it both to make it symmetrical!"
"Oh really?" Aragorn looked genuinely concerned, but then frowned, "Hmm. I like asymmetrical abstract door decoration much better!" He strung his bow and examined it, "Elven hair is fraying a little."
"ELVEN HAIR DOES NOT FRAY!" Legolas screamed, "And why would a MAN have an elven-strung bow anyway? He is obviously LYING." The elf was nibbling very hard at his fingertips, once again nervously preoccupying himself as he had nothing else to do aside from snap nasty comments at people, "Oh . . . I wish I had something to do . . ."
"If you really wanted to know, it was my 11th birthday gift from Lord Elrond." Aragorn patted his bow fondly, "Back then I called him Papa Elrond, though." Gandalf raised a bushy eyebrow.
"Aragorn called someone papa?!" Boromir frowned, "I just called mine mama."
"You called your father mama?" Legolas asked, confused, "Men are confusing!"
"No!" Boromir rolled his eyes, "I called her mama."
"Your father was a daughter of another man?" Legolas frowned, and scratched his head with bleeding fingertips, "That does not make any sense."
"NO!" The man screeched, "That�s what I called my MOTHER!"
"Your Mother was called NO?" The elf�s brow wrinkled, "Ms. NO? Is that her maiden name?"
"NO!" Boromir looked ready to punch the elf�s lights out, "I CALLED MY MOTHER MAMA!"
"Then your mother is the same as your father?" Legolas checked the tension in his bowstring and found it satisfactory, "Or did you just call them both mama; a generic term for �parent.�"
"MAMA is my MOTHER." Boromir snarled, "And PAPA is my FATHER."
"You called your daddy Papa too!" Aragorn grinned, "Tee hee."
"In like . . . the Second Age!" The Heir of Denethur growled, "It�s Daddy to YOU!" Never passing a chance to pull rank, Boromir sniffled, "My daddy is better than all of your daddies combined!"
"My daddy�s pinky is better than your daddy�s pinky!" Legolas snarled (his pinky was currently bleeding and wrapped in a pink Band-Aid the elf had just whipped around it).
"MY DADDY IS BETTER THAN ALL OF YOUR DADDIES!" Aragorn hollered, "THAT INCLUDES THE DARN ELF!"
"Well, at least my daddy is ALIVE!" Gimli snarled, and instantly, he knew it was the wrong thing to say. A loud bawling cry was heard behind him, along with a gigantic sound of teardrops splashing onto the stone floor. The dwarf�s heart softened, "I�m sorry Aragorn!"
But I wasn�t the Heir of Isildur who was crying his eyes out (Aragorn was a little stronger than that), but it was Frodo the hobbit, on the ground, bawling louder than anything any of the Fellowship had heard (and since Legolas remembered the days when he was an infant; Frodo�s cries surpassed that). Merry and Pippin were trying to comfort their friend, but Sam had his sword drawn, a look of utter fury twisting his face. He opened his mouth and growled, "GIMLI, SON OF GLOIN!"
"Oh no." Legolas whimpered, "This is going to get bloody."
"I didn�t mean it in a bad way!" Gimli backed away from the hobbit who was waving his sword about furiously, slicing the air, "I meant it in a good way!"
"How is at least my daddy is alive meant in a good way?!" Sam snarled, "Stand still dwarf! You need a shave!"
"Yipes!" Gimli abandoned walking backwards slowly, and turned on heel, fleeing from the tiny hobbit screaming, "NOT THE BEARD!"
"YES! THE BEARD!" Sam roared and took off after Gimli and soon, the two spun a large blurred circle about the rest of the Fellowship with the hobbit shrieking loudly "YOU SHALL PAY!"
Suddenly, the doom-doom seemed a little louder in the elf�s ears. Legolas gulped. "Do you hear that?"
"What?" Boromir listened, "All I hear is Gimli and Sam."
"No." The elf�s eyes narrowed, "Listen HARD."
"Just some drums. Or a metronome!" Aragorn offered, "Wait. Not from the depths of Moria . . . a bit closer than that . . ."
"Like the door?" Pippin pointed out the obvious, and all (except for Sam who was still chasing Gimli, and Gimli who was still being chased by Sam) turned towards the door which was shaking in response to the pounding orcs on the other side, "Or is that just an earthquake. Very localized."
"An earthquake," The elf repeated dryly, fitting an arrow to his bow, "Very localized."
"I knew it." Pippin drew his sword, and reached into the blurry circle around them. Successfully grabbing a tuff of Sam�s curly hair, the hobbit came to a stop, "Oh stay still. You are making me dizzy."
"What is it?" Gimli noticed Sam had stopped chasing him (thankfully), and puffed a little (try running in armor yourself!). He looked about, "Why is everyone all ready to beat some orc-butt?"
"Cuz here it comes!" Legolas yelped, just as with a horrific bang, the entire wooden door slammed off its hinges and the elf cringed at the ugliness of his enemy. "Oh man, these people need a bath!"
"My decorative axe arrangement!" Aragorn shrieked and plunged his sword into the crowd with a vengeance, "Take THAT! And THAT! And THAT! All for WRECKING my SHIELD DISPLAY which MARTHA STEWART could have been PROUD of!" Suddenly, his sword did not meet flesh but metal. Ooh. A worthy opponent! Drawing a quick intake of breath, Aragorn did a bit of fancy blade-work, swishing at his enemy, but every time, they managed to meet metal with metal, or duck from the blow entirely. Aragorn growled, "TAKE THIS!" and slammed his sword against the metal, which gave way.
"MY SHIELD!" The opponent quickly shrieked, "IT IS DENTED!"
"Oops." Aragorn�s eyes widened, and rather than face Boromir�s wrath of denting his shield much less ATTACKING him, the heir of Isildur, sliced a path through the orcs and tried to sneak very silently away . . .
"OH YOU IDIOTIC ORCS!" Boromir screamed and with one furious swipe of his sword, managed to behead a record of three orcs. One of the orcs died a very bloody death and a single drop of black orc blood touched the sacred shield. The man almost fainted. "NOOOO! NOT MY SHIELD!" Thus, he quickly wiped the spot off before kicking the orc corpse halfway across the room (he was good at football), and stabbed his sword into orc flesh many times, hacking the creature into little pieces in revenge.
"I think he�s quite dead." Legolas calmly noted, from where he was perched, a high rocky ledge. He was currently sitting down, and Boromir noted he did not have a bow in hand, instead, a golden mini-hair brush and was fixing one of his braids. "Hmm. I�m getting split ends again. I need some REE shampoo!"
"LEGOLAS!" Boromir cried, "What are you doing?"
"I am fixing my hair." The elf slipped the brush away and took out a mirror, fine elven fingers patting his hair into place, "Hmm . . . missed a spot." Out whipped the brush again, and he fixed up a spot of frizz on his forehead, "Need a bit of facial cream . . ."
"We are in the middle of a BATTLE!" Boromir killed yet another half dozen orcs, the furious warrior he was, "Don�t you think that since you are up on a high perch, your ARCHERY may come into handy?�
"Oh, that is a good idea." The elf replied and quickly whipped his hair into a bun through which he stuck an arrow. Legolas studied his reflection in his hand mirror, "No, looks stupid." And took the arrow back out which mussed up his hair. Out came the brush.
"Arg!" Boromir decided to let the elf fend for himself and fought his way through orcs again and came upon Aragorn who upon seeing him, quickly turned on heel and cleared the orcs-way to another part of the stone room. Boromir hurried to catch up, orcs falling all around him. Aragorn noticed and changed direction again, quickly slaying orcs. "ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME THE SILENT TREATMENT?!"
"NO!" Aragorn hollered back, "STOP FOLLOWING ME!"
"Fine then!" Boromir snapped and fought back into the thick of battle where he came upon Gimli who was atop Balin�s tomb and rubbing it quickly with a foot, "It�s alright if it�s dirty, Gimli. I�m sure Balin won�t mind. There�s only like a few dozen dead orcs lying around."
"I�m trying to get the GENIE to come out!" The dwarf flopped onto his knees, and began rubbing at the stone furiously, "COME OUT!" But it did not. "THIS IS MALFUNCTIONING!"
"I know! I must call for reinforcement!" Boromir whipped the Horn of Gondor to his lips and blew a long, clear note.
"AWWW MAN!" Legolas screamed from where he perched, his clear elven voice rang over the din of battle, "My TUGBOAT is leaving!"
"Armies of Gondor!" Boromir called, blowing more toots to the tune of the William Tell overture, "To me! To me!" Suddenly, from the end of the stone hall, what seemed to be massive footsteps came to tremble the very stone upon which they stood. Thump. Thump. Thump. "Yes! They are here!"
"That isn�t the Armies of Gondor!" Sirius screamed where he was aiding Adhara the best he could in a canine form, "That CAN�T be the Army of Gondor!"
"Why not?" Boromir asked, snootily.
"There is only one dude!" Sirius called back.
"One guy?" The heir of Denethur stood on tippy-toes and looked above the little orc�s heads. The torchlight of the hall was now blocked by what seemed to be a gigantic monstrous shape of muscle and bone twisted into the form of a . . . Boromir sighed and whispered very softy. "Cave troll."
"CAVE WHAT?!" The elf shrieked as the big honking cave troll smashed through half of the stone archway trying to get into the tomb room, "TROLL?!" Legolas jumped onto his feet, "As in Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum I smell the blood of a PRETTY ELF? Be he alive or be he dead . . . cut his locks to make me a wig?!" Eyes growing wide, the elf positively panicked, whipping both mirror and brush into his pocket, "HELP!"
"You�re up there already." Boromir pointed, "We need help down here!"
"WELL . . . TOO BAD!" Legolas shrieked, and clung to a very large stone column, whimpering something, and singing in his clear elven voice some elven song.
"CAVE TROLL!" Pippin squeaked suddenly, and grabbing Frodo by an arm, "RUN!"
"RUN WHERE?" Frodo screamed over the din, but could not be heard, but grabbed Merry by an arm and three hobbits began running, when they passed Sam, Merry reached out and grabbed Sam�s arm. Screaming, "HELP!" and the top of their lungs, Sam ran past what he thought was a hobbit and grabbed his arm. Thus, in a gigantic link, all five of them ran into a little stone alcove out of the battle and breathed a sigh of relief.
As it was a very small space and there were very many hobbits, they were a little cramped. Pippin was on the inside, still gripping Frodo�s arm, who was holding on to Merry, who in turn was grabbing onto Sam who also clung to an arm. Pippin did not let go of Frodo, but lit a strike-anywhere match. In the errie orange glow of the light, the hobbit looked about the circle. There was himself. And Frodo. And Merry. And Sam. And a smiling orc who needed braces.
"MUSHROOMS!" Before the orc had a chance to slay all the hobbits, they ran as one, panic stricken out of the alcove and eight tiny furry feet overran the unfortunate orc and it found its face permanently disfigured. "MUSHROOMS!"
"Eww." Sam waved his toes, "There�s some orc grease stuck between them."
"Oh Sam!" Frodo pushed him out of an orc�s way, "Look out!" But, alas, it was too late! The little hobbit stumbled over his own feet and landed, sprawled on the ground. Before Frodo could hoist his friend up, Sam fought his way to his elbows and saw a sight he wished never to see again. There, through the many orc feet in front of him were two, gigantic and hideous snakes, each with their bodies wrapped in fine Gondor cloth and their heads stuck in boots. Sam gasped, and shook off Frodo. With a mad war cry, the hobbit drew his sword and made a straight bee line for that snake who seemed intent on his master�s life.
"You shall never harm Master Frodo!" Sam snarled, and fell onto the snakes with tooth and nail, as well as sword. The little hobbit tried taking on both snakes at once, but alas, he was out numbered and as he hacked at one snake, the other started beating itself violently against him, almost in a kick-move. "NOOO!" Sam hollered and bit the snake with all his might, "Get lost you stupid snake!"
"MY LEG!" Boromir howled, eyes bulging, "THERE�S SOMETHING EATING MY LEG?!" And as he was rather preoccupied with the swarms of orcs before him at eye level, he was not able to hack at the thing gnawing at his leg. Thus, he began kicking at the thing, quite randomly. And there was the problem of the cave troll.
Boromir sighed. Even HELP would not satisfy his cry of need or a toot on the Horn of Gondor. In this dire, life-threatening situation, there was only one cry which could come from the human throat which would sum up the entire situation. Boromir drew in a deep breath and belted, "ARAGORN!"
"What?!" Aragorn yelled back, "Can�t you see I�m BUSY?!"
"There is a THING on my LEG and a BILLION orcs AROUND me and my SHIELD is DENTED and the HORN is MALFUNCTIONING and if that�s not ENOUGH . . . a CAVE TROLL breathing down my NECK!" Boromir snarled, "Let�s see YOUR situation!"
"That sounds pretty bad!" Aragorn screamed back, "How about we SWITCH PLACES?"
"What do you mean," Boromir suddenly grew suspicious, "Switch?"
"I�ll take the thing on a leg with a billion orcs around me, with my shield dented and my horn malfunctioning and a cave troll breathing down my neck." Aragorn snarled, "And I�ll scream �BOROMIR� and expect you to come to my aid!"
"Well SOR-RY!" Boromir snapped, "My DADDY is still BETTER than YOUR daddy." Suddenly, the orcs about him thinned and the man turned around, and looked up to see a gigantic hunk of flesh and muscle which was not on a spit and roasting on a fire. The cave troll fixed its beady little eyes on the man and gave a horrific ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR � hic! And it blinked. Hic. Hic. Hic.
"The cave troll has hiccups?" Boromir winced, "Oh man!"
Hic. Hic. Hic. The cave troll raised a gigantic stone club above his head and aimed it at Boromir who had no intentions of getting mauled by a troll with hiccups. Hic. Hic. Hic. The cave troll hardly seemed intimidating any more. Hic. Hic. Hic. Boromir plunged his sword into the lump at his leg and pried the thing off it, and quickly ran out of the stone club�s path, looking around for the rest of the Fellowship.
With a nasty gash on his head, Sam blinked and touched the blood. The snake had fangs! Darn nab it. The hobbit lay still, and touched the wound again. Ah, it was worth it. The snakes were gone now. He had saved Master Frodo.
Hic. Hic. Hic. What the . . . Sam looked up to see a gigantic slobbery cave troll. Oh well. At least it wasn�t a snake.
Hic. Hic. Hic. What the . . . The hobbit stirred again, and saw that it was a gigantic slobbery cave troll WITH a stone club. Oh well.
Hic. Hic. Hic. What the . . . Squinting, Sam looked up. A gigantic slobbery cave troll with stone club coming towards him. Oh well.
Hic. Hic. Hic. What the . . . Wait a moment. Gigantic. Slobbery. Cave. Troll. With. Stone. Club. Coming. Towards. HIM.
Hic. Hic. Hic. What the . . . The hobbit sighed, then drew a deep breath, "MUSHROOMS!" And managed to leap out of the way of the club just in the nick of time, jumping through the troll�s legs and banging his head on something hard on the other side.
"FLYING PROJECTILES!" Boromir hollered as something solid smacked against his shield. Luckily, it wasn�t damaged, and the projectile cracked loudly. The man glared down at the curly-haired covered thing, "What the phooey-potato?" He looked again. A hobbit! "SAM!"
"What?" Sam asked, waking up to be extremely dizzy and looked up towards the voice. Actually, as he looked up, he looked horizontal. And saw none other than the SNAKE! Hic. Hic. Hic.
"SNAKE!" The hobbit squealed, and having lost his sword somewhere, proceeded to pound at it with weak fists, "SNAKE!"
"HEY!" Legolas suddenly screamed, "What�s with the hic-hic-hics?" The elf paused and studied the large battle scene below, "You know, that has a nice rhythm to it." And the age-old dance-rap-longing of his people stirred within his heart. The elf gasped, and closed his eyes, listening to the steady hic-hics for the briefest second. "Ah. I hear it now."
As suddenly as his first exclamation, Legolas bound to the middle of the large stone ledge he was on, and as though on a stage, looked down at his rather busy audience. Not seeming to care that no one was actually paying attention, the elf screamed some cry in elven no one could interpret (Gandalf probably could, but he was busy keeping Pippin from throwing himself into the well again). In a swift, smooth motion, he raised his arms above his head and from some subconscious part of his mind, Legolas drew out age-old skills and began some type of rapid footwork dance, screaming, "I am the Lord of the MORIA-DANCE!"
"Oh gosh!" Aragorn sighed, "Not Moria-dance!" But the elf was beyond any advice. To the rather rapid but steady hic-hics from the cave troll, Legolas slapped out crazily impossible rhythms with his pretty elven booties while singing something at the top of his lungs in elven.
"I think the elf has lost it." Boromir calmly noted to Adhara, "Finally."
"I don�t like Riverdance that much." Adhara replied, "It�s alright, I suppose." As though the elf heard, he quickly whipped out a funny shaped hat, slammed it on his head, and lowered his arms to his sides and began to slink across the stage in a very convincing Michael Jackson impression. Adhara clapped and whistled loudly. The elf touched his hat and continued, snapping his fingers in time to the hic-hics still coming from the cave troll which was trying to extract Frodo from a small rock crevice in which he had taken refuge.
"ARAGORN!" Frodo hollered at the top of his lungs, "HELP!"
"Try calling for BOROMIR!" Aragorn screamed back, and ran a gigantic spear through three orcs in one go, "I�m a little BUSY!"
"You should get an answering machine, Aragorn!" Legolas cheerily suggested as he continued his little routine, and continued in a highly mechanized voice. "HELLO. You have reached the residence of Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He is unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone. BEEEEP!"