"Hello?" Saurman griped, "This is Saurman the White. Again. I want my money. It was in our contract. I want the money NOW. Good bye." He slammed the phone down angrily. Stupid idiotic dealings through Palantirs! Honestly! No one you could trust these days.
With a defeated sigh, he slumped down at his desk where he was working on the Wizard of Isengard pamphlets and changing all Isengards to Ozs on all the maps he could get his paws on. The tourists would start coming any day now. Finally. And having to coax all his orcs into flying monkey costumes hadn�t been easy either. They had threatened to walk off the job or go and work in Mordor where the pay was better. But negotiations succeeded in the eleventh hour, and everything was fine. Saurman breathed a sigh of relief. Private business was so . . . demanding . . .
That fishing trip had done him some good. And besides, once the rags dried out and were pressed, they turned out to be some pretty nice smocks for any painting projects in the future. For when he turned back into an evil wizard, the tower would need to be painted black again. No wonder the wizard of Oz made everyone wear those stupid glasses. Lot easier than PAINTING everything emerald green! What he would have to do to earn a coin. Arg.
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Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. It was enough to drive any dwarf up the wall. Gimli, son of Gloin tried to block out the annoying troll�s hiccups, but it was too much! Why didn�t the cave troll drink up on water, for Pete�s sakes? Breathing apparatus out of whack again . . . Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. The cave troll was rather preoccupied with something in a corner of a stone room at this point in time, and Gimli could care less.
The initial wave of orcs had all but died out and Boromir was finishing off the last few. On the other hand, Gandalf had placed a large stone slab over the well to prevent Pippin from throwing himself down the well again (almost succeeded on the third time, and it had taken all of Adhara�s Quidditch skills to manage to hoist him back out again) and Sam was starting a little fire in the corner, mumbling something about Master Frodo being hungry and gigantic snakes. Whatever that meant. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hic.
"Shouldn�t we do something about that thing?" Gimli asked the assembled Fellowship who had all clustered around the fire, "It looks like it found something we may be interested in, in that corner."
"No. It�s just stupid." Legolas had joined them and searched in his toga pockets, "Wait. I�m missing my REE cover up stick. Maybe that�s what he found. Hmm." He searched again, and instead of the little lipstick shaped thing, whipped out a gigantic tube the size of an average salami, "There. Found it. Couldn�t have lived without it." The elf sighed, "Getting a spot on my chin again. It�s coming back."
"Then what could it be interested in?" The dwarf was getting edgy, but accepted the sausages Legolas handed him, "Hmm."
"Don�t know. Don�t care." Boromir snarled and was nursing a dent in his shield (Aragorn was sitting suspiciously far away nursing a nick in his sword), "That is folly."
"Um." Sam was handing out the grub, "Where is Master Frodo?"
"You don�t suppose he succeeded in throwing himself down the well, do you?" Gandalf paled. "Wait. I said �fool of a Took� he�s not a Took."
"He�s part Took." Pippin suggested, and the wizard groaned, "Mother�s side."
"ARAGORN!" Frodo was screaming at the top of his lungs, "HELP!"
"Ooh!" Legolas squealed and motioned for Aragorn to sit back down (the Ranger had jumped up), "It is a perfect opportunity to use your new answering machine!" Thus, he took a deep breath and answered, "HELLO. You have reached the residence of Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He is unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message after the tone. BEEEEP!" Hic. Hic. Hic.
"ARAGORN!" The hobbit cried again, "The cave troll has my darn FOOT and wants to EAT ME!"
"I thought you were safe in a little shallow rock crevice." Merry speared an unlucky sausage with a fork, "You said you were safe."
"SHALLOW!" Frodo screamed in a panic, "Might I emphasis the word SHALLOW?!"
"Leave an answering machine message like other people," Legolas answered, "It�s not a life and death situation! Besides, weren�t you listening? He is UNAVALIABLE at the moment!"
"LIFE AND DEATH?" Frodo hollered, "Sure it�s life and death! The troll wants to EAT ME or at least BASH ME INTO LITTLE PIECES. That�s NOT life threatening at ALL!" He took a deep breath, "And HE wants me to leave a darn ANSWERING MACHINE message! OH MAN!"
"MAN?!" Legolas jumped up, eyes flashing with anger and bow at ready, "Excuse ME!" The elf stalked over to the little corner of the room, boldly strode up to the cave troll and tapped it gently on a shoulder. "Excuse me, Master Cave Troll. I do believe that THIS is my hobbit."
"Forget your manners for once, elf!" Gimli roared, "You�re not asking the troll to give you his DANCE PARTNER!"
"Excuse me, Master Cave Troll," Legolas tapped again, "I do believe that this hobbit must face my wraith first. If he did not, then once you�re through with him, there wouldn�t be much for me to fume at. Excuse me." He shoved a little harder at the troll who was ignoring him. "Sir! I will not be ignored!"
"Shoot it or SOMETHING!" Gimli screamed again, seemingly the only one the elf listened to these days, anyway.
"Good idea, Gimli, son of Gloin!" Legolas grinned approvingly, and fitted an arrow to his bow, "I shall be required to take extreme action if you do not give me the honor of beating the crap out of this hobbit." Hic. Hic. Hic. "I�ll take that as a no." The arrow flew straight and true (of course, there was only about two inches distance between the elf and troll), and fortunately, it pierced the cave troll�s hide. The troll gave a snort which sounded oddly not intimidating, SNOOOOOOOOOOR-hic!
"Excuse me, Master Cave Troll, again," Legolas pushed on the troll�s shoulder, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
Hic. Hic. Hic. The troll had been shot at. Poked by an elven finger twice. And shoved at once. It wasn�t very happy. Hic. Hic. Hic. And it had the hiccups. Hic. Hic. Hic. With one swipe of his strong arm, the elf went flying across the room screaming, "THAT�S NOT VERY NICE!" Hic. Hic. Hic. Gimli gulped as Legolas smashed into the opposite stone wall and crumpled to the ground in a heap of very pretty elf.
"Ooch." Legolas whimpered as the entire Fellowship, save Frodo, crowded around him, "I think I�ve broken something." He reached in to his toga and dug around for the longest period of time.
Finally, fury marked his fair face and he grew redder than any elven lipstick available from REE. His eyes positively bulged and everyone stood back to give the elf fair screaming room. Legolas drew out his prized cover-up stick and to everyone�s (elf most of all) ultimate horror, it was snapped in two. The elf jumped to his feet, pulled out his knives (got them mail order from REE after the flimsy Mirkwood one snapped), and ran towards the troll screaming, "JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT PRETTY THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE TO BE NOT PRETTY!" And with a final scream of LONG LIVE REE AND PRETTY ELVEN PRINCES, the elf threw himself onto the cave troll and started hacking apart his back.
"Ooh. Look at the elf go." Boromir whistled approvingly as Legolas finished and slid off the troll�s back, covered from head to toe in blood, but looking very happy. Hic. Hic. Hic. Hi . . . THUMP. The unfortunate cave troll smacked to the ground, quite dead (well, he was half slashed apart), and everyone (Frodo who was most relieved) gathered around to admire the elf�s handiwork.
They had not been random slashes of knives, but instead, a very good flesh-sketch of Legolas Whiteleaf himself now marked the back of the troll. The drawn elf seemed to be holding a bow at ready, to Sirius at first glance, but then when he looked again, the bow turned into a non-broken cover-up stick. Sirius groaned loudly. "It�s pretty good, eh?" Legolas admired his picture himself, "Check out the nose, isn�t it pretty?" Everyone nodded as one (didn�t want to get carved up, I suppose).
"I have not forgotten about you, FRODO BAGGINS!" The real elf prince turned on heel and glared at the little quaking hobbit, and with both elven blades still dripping black blood, clenched in his hands and the elf himself, covered with troll blood, Legolas Whiteleaf sure looked like the scary Legolas Blackleaf. The hobbit quivered again. "For calling me a man . . ." Before anyone could stop him, the elf plunged one of his knives into the hobbit, and yanked the blade back out as Frodo fell to the ground. Legolas screamed, "I HAVE BEEN AVENGED!"
The entire Fellowship stood in silence, their mouths hanging open. All were shocked.
Sirius stared at Frodo.
Adhara stared at Sirius.
Frodo was staring into the ground.
The cave troll was staring into the ground as well.
Sam wasn�t staring at anything, he was blinded by tears.
Pippin was staring at the well.
Gandalf was staring at the slab of stone on the well.
Merry was staring at the sausages burning on the fire.
Aragorn stared at the elf�s blade, still dripping with troll blood.
Boromir stared at the suspicious nick in Aragorn�s sword.
Gimli stared at Legolas.
Legolas stared at Gimli.
"HOW COULD YOU?" Gimli glared, "YOU IDIOT!"
"Excuse me." Legolas frowned, "You heard him. He insulted me."
"Oh you ELF!" The dwarf snarled, and drew his axe.
"Don�t get violent on me!" The elf snarled right back.
"What were you thinking, killing our RING BEARER?" Aragorn whispered, harshly, "Now who is going to carry the Ring?"
"Oh you killed Master Frodo!" Sam wept, "Poor Master Frodo."
"Sam!" Frodo sat up, "I�m not quite dead yet."
"Poor Master Frodo!" Sam continued to wail, and the entire Fellowship turned on the elf, screaming their own furious comments.
"Excuse me." Frodo sat up and tugged at someone�s cloak, "I�m down here. I�m not dead." But no one was listening. Except for a certain elf.
"WHAT?" Legolas roared, and pointed to Frodo who seemed to be alive and well, "YOU�RE NOT DEAD YET?" The elf raised his blade again, "This time I�m going for the HEAD!" But was subdued in time with a Petrificus Totalus from Adhara.
"It�s a full body bind." She explained, but no one was listening.
"But what?" Aragorn asked, "That knife hacked apart a CAVE TROLL. Hobbits have tougher hides than CAVE TROLLS?"
"I think there is more to this hobbit then meets the eye." Gandalf murmured wisely, "Must be in the skin cells. On a cellular level."
"Actually," Frodo explained, "There is a very simple explanation. I bought a nice vest."
"Oh!" Gimli gasped, "Mithril!"
"Not exactly." The hobbit frowned and thrust out his chest proudly, "100% KEVLAR!"
"Kevlar?" Adhara�s face twisted, "You have a BULLET PROOF VEST?"
"Yes." Frodo stuck his nose into the air, "I bought it from the Army and Navy surplus store."
"They sell bullet proof vests at Army and Navy?" Adhara frowned again, "Okey-dokey."
"You are full of surprises, Mister Baggins!" Gimli snorted, "Have any idea how we get out of here? There�s one door. And that�s where the orcs are coming from."
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." Frodo drew out what seemed to be a hand held computer thing and a large block of white tofu. "This is a form of nitroglycerine."
"Oh no." Sirius whimpered.
"We have to find a soft spot in the wall, or where we want to go, and I can blast us through!" Frodo nodded happily.
"What about that far door?" Sirius suggested.
"Very good!" The hobbit noted that it was blocked with large slabs of fallen stone, "Hmm. Nitroglycerine time!"
"Oh no." Sirius whimpered again as the quartet of hobbits all rushed forward and with a terrific BANG! the entire room went up into hazy dust stirred up by the explosion.
Hack. Hack. Hack. All of the Fellowship coughed crazily (except Legolas, he was still petrified), and Gandalf snarled, "Should have told me earlier, hobbits, that there was going to be this much dust!"
"Well, we weren�t quite sure either." Frodo pointed to the now cleared passageway, "See? We can go through now!" The entire Fellowship nodded happily for aside from a knee-high pile of gravel, their way was indeed clear. And not a moment too soon. What sounded like an army of orcs was coming from the far passageway.
Gandalf raised his staff, "To the Bridge of Khaza-Dum!"
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Gollum ran into a large stone room littered with the bodies of many freshly slaughtered orcs and looked about. Nothing was left standing and a gigantic troll was lying on the ground with an arrow sticking out a shoulder and an elf carved on its back. Gollum touched his own arrow. Must be some kind of secret code. Actually, there was one thing standing in the room.
The creature strode up to the elf which looked very much like the elf on the back of the troll. It also looked very much like the screaming thing which had tossed the wooden brush at Gollum�s head. Darn thing. And the arrow was a cause of it too! And the elf wasn�t moving. Gollum picked up the largest stone he could find and threw it at the elf. The stone bounced off its head.
"See how YOU like it . . ." Gollum hissed, "Where are the others? Where is my Precious?"
The elf did not answer. It seemed to be made of colored stone or something.
"PRECIOUS!" Gollum hissed, poking at the thing, "GIVE ME MY PRECIOUS!"
The elf did not answer.
"ARE YOU GIVING ME THE SILENT TREATMENT?!" Gollum poked again, "TALK!"
The elf did not answer.
"Nice toga." Gollum remarked, and then suddenly, heard voices passing through the far door. He hurried to it just in time to see the rest of the stone elf�s friends disappear through a doorway at the far end. Oh well. That�s just where all the big herds of scary orcs lived. Too bad for them.
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"Wait." Gimli held up a hand, "We�ve forgotten something!"
"No we haven�t." Gandalf looked at the hobbits, "All four are here."
"OUR ELF!" The dwarf screamed, "We forgot Legolas!"
"Oh man!" Frodo whimpered, "Not again!"
"We have to go BACK for him!" Gimli ran quickly back the way they had came as did the rest of the Fellowship, all mumbling about traveling with a stupid elf.
"This is so stupid." Adhara sighed, "He could have SAID something!"
"WAIT!" Gimli held up a hand again, and pointed to a large stone slab which read something in Dwarvish. The slab looked like a notice stuck by the door Frodo had blasted open. "It looks important."
"Read it when we come back." Gandalf and the others pushed the dwarf through the door as Adhara mumbled something about forgetting the opposite spell. Gimli thought he noticed something gray with an arrow sticking out of his head in the shadows, but did not say anything.
"I�m not really sure." Adhara turned to Sirius, "Do you remember?"
"No." Sirius confirmed, "Bet we don�t have time for that. Just grab the elf and get out of here!"
Thus, if Legolas Whiteleaf were not petrified, he surely would have violently protested to Boromir picking him up around the middle and slinging him over a shoulder, as though a bag of flour. The elf had a suspicious bruise on his pretty forehead. No one noticed. Instead, Boromir just grinned wickedly. Aragorn hid his nicked sword behind his back.
"Okay, let�s try this again," Gandalf composed the group in front of the door, "To the Bridge of Khaza-Dum!"
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