"Of course not!" Legolas (and his attitude) had been barley bearable for the past few days as they left Rivendell and traveled eastwards, and fortunately, the elf had seemingly placed the mission before him, but the entire Fellowship knew, there would be one day when he would explode. The elf was rather irritated now, "I mean, there isn�t even an outlet to plug in my laptop! I haven�t checked my e-mail for days! Maybe someone important is wanting to contact me!"
"The only thing important to you is the eight of us and getting the Ring to Mordor." Gandalf scolded lightly, "I doubt we�ll be staying in a place with an outlet tonight, Legolas."
The elf snorted, "At least I hope it has a nice stream." He ran his fingers through his hair, "I don�t believe I haven�t washed my hair for a whole entire twenty four hours! It must be a new record for me!" Legolas bit his bottom lip nervously as the Fellowship continued to trudge through the forest, Gandalf leading the way and Sirius herding the hobbits in the rear (the rest of the Fellowship were sandwiched in between). "I wonder if I�m developing a tangle." The elf looked up at Boromir�s hair, "You seem to be."
"I seem to be what?" Boromir turned around, in surprise, "A nice stream?"
"No, you do not resemble a stream." Legolas answered, "You seem to be developing a tangle."
"Oh dearie me." The heir of Denethur pretended to look shocked and fixed his hair, "There, is that better?" The elf nodded. "It seems strange. I mean, we�ve left Rivendell a few nights ago and we haven�t met anything since, aside from that snake in the clearing back there. Is this a good sign? In that we can�t see our enemies, it doesn�t mean that they aren�t out there."
"Ah, you need an eye inspection," Legolas grinned cheerfully, "Haven�t you noticed the gathering of orcs in the direction of the Misty Mountains?" He waved his hand in the direction of the mountains which were barely visible, "A little hobbit-like creature with spew in his face seems to be with them."
"Hobbits?" Frodo piped up, "Here?"
"No, it�s not a hobbit." Legolas sighed, "It�s some slimy thing that looks all wrinkled. Has no fashion sense at all. Maybe REE�s new Wrinkle-Reversing cream would be useful. And spew in his face! Dreadful!"
"I suppose." Sirius was looking around, and was steering Pippin away from a nice tasty patch of mushrooms, lest he be left behind, when he noticed something on the horizon. "Hey, is it just me, or is there a big patch of rocks up ahead?"
"Ah!" The elf nodded, "There are rocks up ahead! A whole concert of them!"
"A concert of rocks?" Gimli rolled his eyes, "Why don�t you just say a bunch?"
"Because a concert of rocks sound much more . . . in harmony," Legolas batted his eyelashes at the dwarf, "And elves tend to be more in harmony with nature than . . ." He paused, "Cowardly little dwarfs!"
"HEY!" Gimli roared, "That was totally unprovoked!"
"Haven�t you heard the saying?" The elf continued, "Men are weak (that�s why the Ring exists � Isildur did not toss the Ring into Mount Doom when he had the chance). Elves are lazy (that�s why the Ring exists � Elrond didn�t beat up Isildur and toss he Ring into Mount Doom when he had the chance). Dwarfs hide in their hidey-holes (that�s why the Ring exists � no one was there to do anything about it)."
"Is that sort of like the vehicles of high school students of Brandon, Manitoba?" Sirius tried, having been there once in his first castle-sitting experience, "Students at Massey drive their own cars; students at Crocus drive their parents� cars; and students at Neelin steal their cars?"
"Yes, sort of like that." Boromir answered, but then paused, "What is a car?"
"Never mind." Sirius rolled his eyes, "It�s not important."
"Can you buy one on eBay?" Pippin asked, excitedly, "Can we buy one, please?"
"No. We are not buying a car." Sirius returned, "No way."
"Where is Merry?" Pippin asked, and Sirius stared at the hobbit in horror, "And Sam?"
"Oh man!" Sirius groaned, and noted that the hobbits were indeed missing. Arg. And he was supposed to be watching them! He quickly told the others, "Just go on ahead and wait for me by that big assembly of rocks up there, alright? We�ll make camp up there. Just because it�s nice and dry." The rest of the Fellowship nodded, and Sirius sent off Pippin and Frodo with Boromir who actually held their hands for the rest of the trip to the rocks so that they would not run off again.
"Arg, hobbits!" Sirius moaned and turned back into the bush. He called loudly as though calling to a lost dog, "Hobbits, where are you? Little hobbits?" Suddenly, he stopped and realized how stupid he was. A man in the middle of a bush looking for two hobbits. Wouldn�t it be so much easier for a dog? Thus, he dropped to all fours as a dog, and instantly, the world became a detailed and intricate map of scents. There. The hobbits Sam and Merry. Funny, they smelt like mushrooms.
Sirius, the dog, ran cheerfully through the forest, and it was one thing Sirius, the man, found irritating. His dog form was always so happy, so there was almost no way he could change into a dog without feeling happy, even if the occasion did not call for happiness. Arg. Finding the hobbits proved to be no problem, but that soon proved to be the least of his worries.
As he approached both figures of hobbits, he realized something was wrong. The scent of fear was everywhere, and the dog within warned him to be careful. Sirius dropped to the ground and moved silently with the shadows. Only an elf with very keen eyes could spot him now. He sniffled, and circled about the clearing which the hobbits were in, and he didn�t need his eyes to tell him that his two companions were not alone. There was a third.
For some reason, perhaps Legolas had mentioned it earlier, the stench of spew hit Sirius between the eyes and he blinked quickly. Aww man . . . He sniffled and looked at the hobbits who were both cowering on their knees before this gigantic towering man! Sirius paused. Gigantic towering man, his feet. Just because as a dog he wasn�t up to this dude in height . . . And threatening the hobbits . . . why didn�t he pick on someone his own size?
With a roar, Sirius launched himself out of the bushes and firmly clamped his jaws about the man�s leg and it was impossible to know who screamed the loudest � the hobbits, Sirius or the man. The hobbits were so afraid, they quickly jumped up and ran in the correct direction, screaming their heads off. Sirius and the man, on the other hand, were screaming for quite different reasons. The man, because he had a dog attached to him. The dog, because the man tasted so bad.
"Aww yuck!" Sirius spat out the man�s leg, "When was the last time you showered?"
They both stared in surprise. Sirius didn�t think he had spoken aloud. He couldn�t speak aloud in his dog form on Earth . . . but then again, he was in Middle Earth . . . and the man stared at the talking dog, for the reason that it was a talking dog.
"I showered yesterday." The man answered, and drew what seemed to be a flashing elven blade, "Get away from me!"
"Hey, where did you steal that steel?" Sirius roared, as elven blades were quite prized, "It had better not be Legolas�s or else he�d kill you! Those knives of his mean the world to him! Aside from his bubble bath, but still . . ." He trailed off slightly, "Who are you?"
"Who are you?" The man snarled right back at him, "Talking dogs! I�ve never heard of talking dogs! I�ve battled Nazgul, balrogs, orcs and the foulest things you can imagine!"
"What about . . ." Sirius wracked his mind for the foulest thing he could imagine, "An elf with a super big ego?"
"You�re a talking dog." The man pointed out the obvious, "Where are you from?"
"Bree." Sirius named the first place he could think of, "The village."
"You�re a long way from home." The man glared, "Where am I?"
"Somewhere between Mordor and Rivendell." Sirius supplied and the man looked relieved.
"Good," He sighed, "Them I am on the right track." The man shrugged and lowered his blade, "It was nice meeting you, talking dog," And he turned towards the west, "But I must be going now." Sirius nodded his farewells and the man disappeared into the forest, leaving Sirius to marvel at his soft step. The dog within was impatient. It wanted to leave. "Arg. Fine then." And he, too, leapt into the bushes, towards the east, and after the hobbits.
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A talking dog? Sure, stay away from home for a few days and they get a talking dog. What was Middle Earth coming to? Arg. Well, he�d talk to Elrond about it as soon as he could see him. Rivendell seemed only to be a few days away, and he�d get there soon enough. What was going to be next? Aragorn rolled his eyes to himself. Maybe a bearded elf? Arg.
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"Now that is folly." Boromir pointed to Sirius who had made his way back to the rocks, and having been preoccupied, he had not had the chance to change himself back yet, but had caught up with the hobbits who were currently patting their little hands on the flanks of their new friend. "Where did you find the dog, hobbits?"
"Um, would this be too obvious, or the forest?" Merry offered, and the elf suddenly jumped up, extremely excited, "Yes, Legolas. We said the forest."
"OOH!" The elf squealed, "THE FOREST!"
"What is so exciting about the forest we just walked through?" Boromir looked back at the trees, "I don�t see anything suddenly thrilling."
"It�s a forest!" Legolas bounded up and down and began pointing madly at the trees, "Look!"
"Yes, we see it is a forest, you idiot." Gimli snarled, "We�ve always know that it was a forest. Especially when we walked through it."
"Someone please shut up our elf." Gandalf rolled his eyes, "Oh, Havel dunght, or else I�m going have to turn you into a fluffy pink toadstool."
"Ooh . . ." Sam paled, "That�s unnatural."
"Yes, Sam, that would be unnatural." The wizard answered, "And I hope Aragorn comes back soon." He turned and looked about, "Alright, I suppose we�re good for the day. We�ll spend the night here. And tomorrow, we�ll press on to the mountains."
"Good thing I brought it." Legolas ran to his bag and began digging around excitedly, "I just knew we were going to go into the mountains!"
"You brought what, Legolas?" Gimli asked, "A snowboard?"
"No," The elf pulled out something rather large and wooly, "Long underwear!"
"Arg," Boromir rolled his eyes, "That is folly!" And motioned to his heavy fur lined and expensive cloak, "Now this works. Not some itchy red woolies."
"And I also brought . . ." The elf whipped out a pair of red woolen mittens on a string, along with fluffy pink ear muffs, "See? This will keep me toasty warm!"
"What else do you have in there, Mary Poppins?" Gandalf wandered over to the little group (the hobbits were off preparing a nice dinner) and appeared quite interested, "Maybe a pair of snowshoes?"
"Of course not," Legolas snapped, as though offended, and pulled out what seemed to be a pair of lead weights, "These are needed to ensure that I do not blow away!"
"Won�t that be a pity?" Sirius, who had (to the astonishment of the Fellowship) turned back into his human form, "I�m just sure we need an elf!"
"Of course you need an elf." Legolas had pulled a foldable camp bed out from his bag and was currently sprawled out on it, lying on his stomach, "And your friendly elf needs a foot massage. My feet ache."
"My feet are aching too," Sirius stared at his feet, "You don�t see anyone giving me a foot massage!"
"That�s because you�re not a prince," The elf propped himself up on an elbow, "You�re just a king in exile. Princes are special-er."
"Special-er?" Sirius repeated, and quickly sat down, "Sure."
"That means that this elven prince is getting a foot massage!" Perhaps just to shut Legolas up, but definitely not because he was an �elven prince,� Boromir gave a huge sigh and tossed what seemed to be a tube of pink REE foot cream at him. Sirius rolled his eyes and to Legolas�s amusement, �Aragorn� began to give him that darn foot massage. "Ah, my feet feel better already. Now that you mention it, I seem to have a kink in my neck."
"Oh, give me a break." Sirius rolled his eyes and wondered if the strawberry scent of the foot cream would make his hands smell yucky afterwards, "You�re just getting a foot massage. And then you�d better shut up or else I�m going to have to hit you or something."
"Umm . . ." Legolas did not register the threat and began humming a little tune, "Hey!" He suddenly pointed to Merry and Pippin, "I have two rolls of red carpet I brought. Starting tomorrow, you two are going to lay it out in front of me as I walk. Alright?" The hobbits stared defiantly at him. "Yes, that�s about it. And for your efforts, you can use a spot of my foot cream." He turned back to Sirius, "It sure hits the spot, eh?"
"Oh!" Legolas suddenly had another idea and pointed to Gandalf, "I have a camp shower in my bag. Could you go and set that up? And . . ." He pointed to Gimli, "You there, I�m hungry. And a little cold. Why don�t you go and get me a nice hot water bottle?"
The dwarf rolled his eyes, "Yes, I am your low and humble servant and I�m going to kiss the ground upon which you walk!"
"Oh, Gimli!" Legolas clapped his hands, "That�s such a good idea! You should start doing that tomorrow."
"Me and my big mouth." Gimli rolled his eyes again, and wondered if the elf had forgotten about the hot water bottle. "Hey." He suddenly stood, "Why are we all listening to him?"
"Because I am the elven prince of Mirkwood!" Legolas�s jaw dropped slightly, "Are you threatening me?"
"Yes, we are threatening you." The dwarf snarled, "We don�t have to grovel to you if we don�t want to. We�re the Fellowship of the Ring. Not the Fellowship of the Legolas."
"OOH!" Legolas gasped, "Gimli, you�re so full of wonderful ideas today!" He clapped his hands, "There. That�s it. We�re the Fellowship of the Legolas now."
"No we�re not!" Sirius suddenly screamed, "We�re not the Fellowship of the Legolas!"
"And I suppose you want it to be the Fellowship of the Aragorn?" The elf rolled his eyes and flicked a piece of lint at Sirius, "Look, it doesn�t sound cool. The Fellowship of the Aragorn. You have to be kidding."
"I�m not kidding." Sirius snarled, "We�re the Fellowship of the Ring and that�s it! We�re not the Fellowship of anyone!"
"Of course we�re not the Fellowship of the Anyone!" Legolas rolled his eyes, "We�re the Fellowship of the Legolas!"
"GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!" Sirius roared, "We are not your Fellowship!"
"You�re just jealous because of my pretty little nose." Legolas stuck his nose into the air, "Your nose is fat and ugly."
"I�ve never paid any attention to my nose!" Sirius returned, "Nor any other part of my body!"
"I have a pretty little face," Legolas grinned, "And pretty little fingers. And pretty little toes. And pretty little eyes. A pretty little teeth. And a pretty little mouth . . ." He hugged himself, and laughed, "I�m a pretty little me!"
"Oh man." Gandalf turned away from the elf, "I think this is the epitome of vainness."
"Yes, okay, you�re very pretty." Sirius tried to keep the peace, "Now will you just shut up about how pretty you are and worry about getting the Ring to Mordor?!"
"Oh, that reminds me," Legolas gestured that Sirius should continue the massage, "About the Cracks of Mount Doom. There�s hot air coming out of there, right? Well, if all that hot air touches my face . . ." He shuttered, "It would ruin my complexion!"
"Your complexion is the least of our worries." Frodo replied and handed out dinner, thinking to distract everyone, "Why doesn�t someone sing or something?"
"I am so pretty . . . I am so pretty . . . I feel so pretty and witty and gay!" Legolas sang very loudly, moving his arms about crazily, as though he were dancing about, and he would have if he was not getting a foot massage.
"Oh, West Side Story is a bit out of place. We are heading east." Gandalf pointed out dryly, "And I suppose the rest of us are all so ugly."
"Well . . ." The elf paused and stared at everyone, "Yes." Sam nervously ran his fingers through his hair and hoped that Rosie did not share the elf�s opinion. "I am very pretty."
"Why pretty?" Sirius leant forward and asked, "Why not beautiful?"
"Because I am not very beautiful. And there is no song that goes along with that." Legolas rolled his eyes, "I am very pretty and that surpasses beautiful!"
"Funny." Boromir was polishing his shield, "I always thought it was the opposite way around."
"Maybe it is." The elf paused for the briefest moment, "Anyway, I am pretty." He pulled out an elven knife, "And if anyone wants to protest . . . they�re going to get gutted!"
"Gutted?" Gimli looked down at his stomach, "Well, if you say you�re pretty one more time," He pulled his axe, "I�m going to gut you!"
"You wouldn�t dare harm such a beautiful specimen of an elf!" Legolas roared, twisting a lock of hair about a finger, "I am too pretty to be gutted!"
"That�s it! You said you�re pretty!" The dwarf hopped to his feet, and as did the elf.
Well, sort of. Legolas was in the middle of a foot massage, and Sirius had just applied some more lotion and oops the elf slipped and landed on his back with a thump. "Ouch. I think I broken something." He pulled out his elven blade which had snapped in half, "Darn cheap things. Mirkwood smiths were never as good as the ones at REE."
"Aha!" Gimli roared and raised his axe above his head, as the rest of the Fellowship glared at the spontaneous fight, "I�m going to take pleasure in guttin� you boy!"
"AKK! I�m not a man!" Legolas screamed, "I�m too pretty for this bloody death!"
"You�re worried about your prettiness more than the fact I�m going to gut you?" The dwarf snarled as the elf nodded, "It�s going to hurt!"
"Pain is nothing compared to prettiness!" Legolas shoved his nose into the air, "Just don�t get any blood on my clothing or my face. I must be pretty. Even in death."
"Arg." The dwarf threw aside his axe (it almost hit Boromir, but bounced off the large shield), "You�re hopeless, Legolas." He paused and the poet within flourished. "That sort of rhymed."
"I knew you couldn�t do it!" The elf sprang to his feet, slipped, and fell to his back again, "I am too pretty!"
"Yes, you�re as pretty as my second aunt, mother�s side, twice removed." Gimli rolled his eyes, "The thirty time winner of the Dwarf�s Daily Most Ugly Hag Award."
"Hmm." Legolas sat up, and looked interested. Sirius stood up and was glad that he was done with the darn massaging. "Is there a prize?"
"You don�t plan on entering a beauty contest, now do you?" Gandalf asked warily, "Might I remind you we are on a quest."
"A beauty contest!" The elf squealed, jumped up, did not slip and ran over to the wizard and gave him a big hug, "That�s the best idea I�ve heard all night! That�s it! We�re entering a beauty contest! Look out Middle Earth! Prepare to meet your newest Mr. Middle Earth!"
"Mr. Middle Earth?" Sirius rolled his eyes, "I didn�t know there were beauty contests for men."
"Of course they are not." Legolas replied snootily, "Men are so ugly!"
"Okay, then." Sirius had never exactly thought of himself as very ugly, but shrugged to keep the elf silent (as if that were ever possible). "Where to you plan to enter?"
"Oh, haven�t you heard of the Lady of the Wood Contest?" Legolas looked shocked, "That is the one I plan to enter!"
"Don�t you have to be a lady to enter?" Gandalf asked, "I�ve heard of it. To find the most beautiful elven maiden. You hardly classify."
"Well, a bit of pink here," Legolas pointed to his foot, "And a bit of luck, and a bit of skill and Bob�s your uncle! I seem to be winning!"
"You�re going to . . ." Boromir groaned, "Is it really worth the effort?"
"To be declared the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth is of course worth the effort!" The elf screamed, "That�s it, my friends! With the dawn, we will head east . . . and to my victory!"