"NO!" Legolas whimpered, "Not my pretty little ears! Nor my nose! Nor my chin! Nor my toes! Nor my foot! Nor any other part of me!" A wolf growled, "Alright!" The elf screamed, "I�ll make a deal with you!" The wolves licked their lips, "You can eat any part of me that is not pretty!"
"Oh bother." Gimli groaned, "There goes our elf."
"No, no, no, no, no!" The elf continued, motioning to himself, "I am 100% pretty! You can not eat me! I am too pretty to be eaten!"
"We are pretty too!" The hobbits chorused, "You can�t eat us!"
"You can eat the dwarf!" Legolas shoved at Gimli, "He�s so ugly . . ."
"Hey, since when has it become a matter of prettiness or ugliness?" The dwarf grunted, "Eat the elf first! He�s lean! Lean meat!"
"Eat the dwarf!" The elf screamed, "He�s BBQ flavored dwarf jerky!"
"Eat the elf!" The dwarf hollered, "He�s Tabasco flavored elf jerk!"
"Eat the dwarf!" Legolas begged, "I�m not a jerk!"
"Eat the elf!" Gimli roared, "He�s a jerk!"
"Eat the dwarf!" Legolas pleaded, "He�s very tasty!"
"Eat the elf!" Gimli tried, "He smells like lavenders!"
"Eat the dwarf!" The elf screamed, "Why do we even need him?"
"Eat the elf!" Gimli cried, "We don�t need him!"
"Eat the dwarf!" Legolas poked at Gimli, "I HATE him!"
"Eat the elf!" Gimli poked at Legolas, "I HATE him!"
"Eat the dwarf!" The elf motioned to himself, "I�m not crispy!"
"Eat the elf!" The dwarf motioned to the elf, "He�s tender!"
"Eat the dwarf!" Legolas pointed to Gimli, "He�s compact in size!"
"Eat the elf!" Gimli pointed at Legolas, "He�s stretched out!"
"Eat . . ." Legolas paused and looked around. All the wolves were gone. Gimli gasped with relief and they slumped against the rock together, "Phew. That was a close one."
"Yeah." Gimli grunted and looked around again, "Where are the hobbits?!"
"Oh no." Legolas paled, "They took the hobbits!"
"Who took the hobbits?!" Aragorn demanded as he ran up to the duo, "Where are they?!"
"The wolves!" Legolas pointed in a random direction (up), "They�re gone!"
"Hmm." Adhara frowned, "And you were with them? Why didn�t you protect them?"
"Because we were busy protecting each other�s hide!" The elf and dwarf screamed together, "We had to decide which one of us was tastier!"
"Oh gosh!" Boromir threw up his hands, "Now what are we to do?"
"That is a very good question." Gimli sighed, "They�re gone! All gone! All eaten up . . . smack, smack, smack!"
"That�s not good." Legolas frowned, "We�d best go find them. Or their remains."
"But how?" Aragorn looked around, "They could be everywhere!"
"You mean anywhere." Boromir corrected, "But they could be everywhere if they were diced up to make hobbit salad!"
"I have an idea!" Adhara turned to the elf, and steered Sirius towards him, "Sniff up, Sirius! We�re trying to find the Tabasco sauce laden hobbits! Can you smell them?"
With a small howl, Sirius the dog tore away from them and disappeared into the woods, the entire Fellowship (minus those unfortunate hobbits) trailing behind him. Aragorn screamed, "Let�s go hunt some TABASCO SAUCE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You�ll never believe what I have!" Pippin fished out a dried mushroom from his pocket and waved it at the wolves, "Look! Mushroom! Wouldn�t you rather let us go if we give you this nice tasty mushroom?"
"No." The leader of the pack snarled, "If we don�t let you go and chow you up, we can have the mushroom anyway!"
"Um, that�s right." The hobbit squeaked, "Funny you should point that out."
"I shall not yield to you!" Sam suddenly drew his little hobbit sword and waved it about, "Do you know who I am?"
"No." All the wolves stared, "Not exactly."
"Prepare yourselves! For I am the snake-slaying-mushroom-eating-Frodo-protecting-blade-yeilding-currently-questing-Tabasco-covered-Samwise Gamgee!" Sam roared, and all the wolves stared at him as though he were daft. Frodo tapped Sam on the shoulder.
"Sam, what are you trying to do?" Frodo whispered softly, "They won�t eat us! We�re covered with Tabasco sauce!"
"They like hot spicy hobbit!" Merry squeaked, "Haven�t you been listening?"
"No." Frodo admitted, "Should I have been?"
"Well, technically . . ." Pippin rolled his eyes, "Yes."
"Oh." Frodo shrugged sheepishly, "Sorry."
"WE WANT!" The wolves began to chant again, quickly circling the hobbits into a smaller and smaller circle, "WE WANT! WE WANT!"
"You forgot your manners!" Pippin screamed, "You must say please!"
"PLEASE WE WANT!" The wolves hollered, "PLEASE WE WANT!"
"Oh gosh!" Frodo squeaked and looked at Sting which didn�t glow at all, "You glow when orcs are around but not when I�m surrounded by tons of wolves all looking for fast food? You�re so stupid!" Sting glowed slightly orange in response. "WHAT does THAT supposed to mean?"
"It�s sort of like a mood ring." Pippin suggested, "Red. You seem lightly stressed." He took the blade which then turned black, "See? I am very stressed!"
"LIGHTLY STRESSED?!" Frodo shook Sting a few times, "This thing is hay-wire!"
"WE WANT NOW!" The wolves all roared and were about a hobbit�s lying distance in front of them all, "WE WANT NOW!"
"NO!" Sam quickly stepped in front of Frodo, and raised his blade, "YOU CAN NOT PASS! I am a servant of the Secret Gardener�s Guild, wielder of the Blade of a Hobbit. You cannot pass! The dark fire will not avail you, Hungry Wolves! Go back to the shadow!" And suddenly, Sam�s blade became wreathed in a halo of green light, and a bolt more powerful than Gandalf�s fireworks shot into the brilliant night sky and above the hobbits, a slowly revolving flowerpot glowed slightly green, the sign of the Secret Gardener�s Guild.
"OH NO!" All the wolves screamed, horrified, and quickly turned and ran away, their tails tucked between their legs, "OH NO! Not the Secret Gardener�s Guild!"
"YES!" Sam hissed and waved his sword about, "The Secret Gardener�s Guild will get you! AND PLANT PINK PETUNIAS IN YOUR GARDEN!"
"Not the pink petunias!" The last wolves screamed as they finally ran away, back into the shadow.
"Yay Sam!" All the hobbits squeaked and gave their friend a big hug, "Yay the Secret Gardener�s Guild!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the depths of the fortress of Isengard, Saruman the White stared into a little crystal ball he picked up at the local flee market. It looked like a good deal. It probably was. He tapped on it with a knuckle, calling, "Hello? Is anyone HOME?!"
A strange type of hissing filled the room, and Saruman looked around cautiously. There was no one, aside from himself. The crystal ball soon filled with blackish red smoke. The wizard grinned, "Now what do you know? I�ve found myself a Palantir! ON SALE!"
"HELLO?!" Saruman tapped again at the ball, "Is anyone on-line at this time?"
"BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!" The voice hissed.
"Are you kidding?" Saruman laughed, "I have no idea who you are!"
"SAURON!" The voice hissed again.
"Yeah, and I�m Elvis Presley and I work at McDonalds." The wizard rolled his eyes, "Come on, I�m not stupid."
"BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!" The voice repeated.
"Okay, okay. NO!" The wizard snarled, and discovered he was a bit hard of hearing, and he heard (unfortunately) Build me a ROAD worthy of Mordor instead. "Build me a road worthy of Mordor, yakity-yakity-yakity!"
"A road worthy of Mordor?" Saruman suddenly repeated to himself, and had a brilliant idea. Rushing to the bookshelves, he picked up his favorite all-time book. The Wizard of Oz. Surely the Wizard of Mordor couldn�t be much different. And through Middle Earth, a yellow brick road? Why not? The wizard wrinkled his nose and pulled on a bell pull.
In the next moment, a rather grubby orc was bowing low in front of him, "What are the orders from Mordor, my lord?"
"They want a road." Saruman sighed, "Make it. Yellow Brick."
With a wide sweep of an arm, the orc hissed, "Consider it done!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elf, a dwarf and four hobbits were very busy washing themselves in the next stream they came across, and Aragorn breathed a huge sigh of relief. Sirius was at his side, in his dog form, sniffing at the air for coming signs of danger. Technically, an orc stunk so much, you didn�t need to be a dog, nor an elf, nor even a Ranger to smell it coming. P-U. The inside of a stinky Vincent Massey locker in June was nothing compared to an orc. Aragorn sighed again.
"I�ve never been so embarrassed in my life!" Legolas gasped as he washed his face with a matching off-white face cloth (fluffy), "Chased down by wolves saying that they want to eat me."
"Hmm." Gimli tried to scrub the last bit of barbecue sauce out of his beard, "Elf-burgers. Yummy, I�m sure."
"YOU WOULDN�T DARE!" The elf�s eyes widened and he quickly pushed the dwarf into the river and ran to where the rest of the Fellowship were gathered (the hobbits were splashing water happily at each other a bit further downstream), "ARAGORN! SOMETHING IS TRYING TO EAT ME!"
"Not again!" Aragorn (who had conferred with Sirius) moaned as the dog covered his face with paws, "What is trying to eat you this time, Legolas?!"
"You won�t believe it!" The elf was in tears as he ran up to them, "I can�t believe it!" And he threw his arms about Aragorn�s neck, weeping and wailing, "Gimli! Our ugly dwarf is trying to eat me! ME! He wants to eat me! His SAVIOR!"
"You�re Gimli�s savior?" Aragorn tried to shake off the elf, "Why? No wait. I don�t want to know why."
"Nobody knows, the troubles, I�ve seen," Legolas wailed, "Nobody knows my sorrow!"
"Oh no!" Boromir stood, "This is all folly!"
"Swing low, sweet UPS van, coming forth to carry me home! Swing low, sweet UPS van, coming forth to carry me home!" The elf bawled at the top of his lungs, tears soaking Aragorn to the skin, "Look over Mordor and what do I see? A shiny, golden UPS van waiting just for meeeeeeeee . . . it�s gonna carry me home!"
"For pity�s sakes!" Boromir roared, "SHUT UP!"
"Oh, Legolas!" Aragorn tossed the elf off him, "Gimli will NOT eat you!"
"Why not?" The elf sniffled, "Is he a vegetarian?"
"No. Not exactly." Gimli had walked up behind them, "But I do not like elf." He sniffled, and added as a joke, "Unless it was with a bit of malt beer."
"YOU . . . !" Legolas�s face turned beet red, "You wouldn�t even dream of eating something so pretty!"
"Um." Gimli frowned, "No."
"Good." The elf snarled, "Stay away from me! Savage brute!"
"Um, I wouldn�t be talking." The dwarf stuck his hands into his pockets, "Let�s just go through Moria. Alright?"
"You said the FORBIDDEN WORD!" Legolas gasped, "THE FORBIDDEN WORD GIMLI!"
"What�s the forbidden word?" Gimli was not impressed.
"I can�t say it!" The elf gasped, "For then I would have said the forbidden word!"
"Then how am I supposed to know what the forbidden word is if no one will tell me?!" Gimli roared.
"Fine." Legolas whispered very softly, "The m word!"
"MORIA?!" Gimli roared and the elf cringed, "Is that it?"
"And the g word!" The elf gasped.
"GO?" Gimli roared again, "GO MORIA?" The elf nearly fainted.
"Moria?" Legolas� bottom lip quivered slightly, and his eyes filled with tears, "The mines?"
"Yes, the mines." Gandalf sighed reluctantly, "I suppose so. If we must."
"But . . . but . . . . but . . ." Tears spilt down the elf�s pretty face, "It�s dark!"
"Yes, generally." Gimli frowned, "Why, you scared?"
"Scared . . . ? Who . . . who . . . who?" Legolas stuttered, turning paler than any parchment, "ME?"
"Yes, you." The dwarf stared, "Legolas Greenleaf is scared of the dark?!"
"No!" Legolas shrieked shrilly, "NO!"
"Fine then." Gimli gave a very evil smile, "Into the mines we go."
"NO!" The elf dropped onto his knees and fastened his arms about a large tree, "YOU SHALL NEVER MAKE ME!"
And indeed, the Fellowship tried, everyone pushing and pulling at the elf, but Legolas did not budge, screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE MINES!"
"Why not?" Aragorn asked, tugging on an elven leg, "You said you weren�t afraid!"
"I�m not!" Legolas squeaked, "HELP ME!"
"We are trying to unfasten your fingers from around this tree." Boromir explained, "We are helping."
"DON�T LET THEM TAKE ME ALIVE!" The elf shrieked, "SOMEONE HELP!"
"Come on!" Gimli tugged at an elven arm, "Hurry up!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas cried again and again, "NOOOOOOOOO!"
"Hey, wait one second." Boromir looked at the elf, "This is folly!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas screamed, crying, tears flying all over, "Yes! THIS IS FOLLY! GOING INTO THE MINES IS FOLLY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"We are trying to pull the elf away from the tree. It will probably be easier to remove the tree from the ground." Boromir tapped on the very solid 3000 year old oak, "Most likely."
"CAPTAIN PLANET WILL GET YOU!" The elf cried as Boromir easily lifted the tree out of the ground and the Fellowship (the hobbits carrying the elf�s feet), hauled the tree and elf towards the doors of Moria, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THIS IS MURDER!"
But alas, it was too late! The entire Fellowship dragged the elf and tree to before a door made from figures mirroring only moonlight, a doorway with an inscription which Gandalf was reading. "Hmm." The wizard sighed as the rest of the Fellowship set the elf down, "Doors of Moria. How shiny. Not automatic opening? How particular. Hmm." The wizard sighed again, "Speak, friend, and enter."
"What do you suppose that means?" Merry asked excitedly, "We can enter?"
"Oh, it�s quite simple." Gandalf laughed, "It means, if you are friend, you speak the password and the doors will open!"
"Oh." Merry frowned, "That�s tacky."
"Hey!" Gimli screamed, "That�s insulting!"
The instant Aragorn and Boromir let Legolas�s feet touch the ground, the elf gave a blood-curdling scream and was about to flee out of there, screaming his pretty hair off, had not Boromir managed to grab onto an elven leg.
"OH LET ME GO!" Legolas screamed, kicking out wildly, "YOU CAN�T MAKE ME GO IN THERE! IT�S AGAINST MY ELVISH RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS AS OUTLINED IN THE MIDDLE EARTH ELVEN CONSTITUTION!"
"Oh gosh." Adhara sighed, "Come on, Legolas. Calm down and tell us what is wrong."
"NOTHING!" The elf screamed, kicked Boromir in the head, and managed to get away, running into the deep dark depths of a gloomy lake nearby, as the rocky path was being guarded by Sirius, "I�m running away!"
"May the saints be praised." Gimli rolled his eyes. "No more elf for us."
"YOU MURDERERS!" Legolas splashed noisily through the water, "GET LOST!"
"No! Legolas!" Aragorn suddenly remembered something, and called softly, "Come back!"
"Why ARE YOU TALKING SO SOFTLY?" Legolas roared, standing in the middle of the lake. Suddenly, the entire Fellowship remembered something very important.
"You should not disturb the water!" Boromir hissed, and pointed to the water, "Shh!"
"WHY SHOULD I?" Legolas screamed, "I DON�T HAVE TO IF I DON�T WANT TO!"
"Be quiet!" Adhara whispered, and pointed to the shore, "Get back here!"
"WHY IS EVERYONE TALKING SO QUIETLY!?" The elf roared.
"Look!" Frodo gasped and pointed to soft ripples in the water, definitely not made by an elf, "Something is in there!"
"YES! SOMETHING PRETTY!" Legolas screamed, cupping his hands about his mouth, "ME!"
"No!" Gimli whispered and although he hated the elf�s guts, did not want him to die a very painful death, "Please come back here!"
"SAY THAT AGAIN!" The elf screamed, "THE DWARF IS SAYING PLEASE!"
"Shut up!" Gandalf ordered, "Come back here at once!"
"YOU CAN�T MAKE ME!" Legolas stuck out his tongue, "Nah-nah-nah-nah-boo-boo!" Suddenly, the elf paled, "Something is swimming around my leg."
"There goes our elf!" Gimli whimpered, and covered his face with his eyes, "Oh no!"
"Wait, wait, wait!" The elf began to panic, "You have to save me!"
"We are under no obligation," Sam pulled out what seemed to be a business contract, "See? Elrond said we had to accompany each other. Nothing about protecting one that was not the Ring Bearer!"
"Oh, so you are being so Fellowship member-ist!" The elf shrieked, "Don�t save me because I don�t have a ring?!"
"Exactly." Sam snarled, "You do not have the Ring!"
Frodo was not about to stand by and see his friend be eaten by whatever was swimming around, thus, he took the Ring off the chain about his neck and tossed it into the air, "Catch Legolas!"
"I�ve got it!" The elf nimbly caught the Ring, but Frodo misjudged the distance, and Legolas�s balance was slightly tipped . . . "Look!" Legolas held up the small gold band, "I�m the Ring Bearer now!"
"Just don�t go radio-active on us!" Adhara moaned, but it was too late!
Suddenly, a halo of green surrounded Legolas as he screamed in a voice not his own, "You offer the Ring to me FREELY! And in place of a Dark Lord you shall have an ELF PRINCE! Not dark, but as PRETTY and TREACHEROUS as BURNING LEMBAS!" He cackled evilly, "Stronger than the FOUNDATIONS of ELVEN COSMETICS! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DISPAIR as they are NO WHERE NEAR AS PRETTY!" As suddenly as he had turned radio-active, the green halo faded and Legolas tossed the Ring back, tears streaming down his fair face, as he whispered, "I pass the test. I will remain pretty and go into the West, and remain Legolas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Um, I hate to break your bubble, elf." Gimli grunted, "You�re not going anywhere."
"Okay," The elf chose to ignore the dwarf, "Now that I have passed the test, you can save me, right?"
"No." Sam pointed to the contract again, "You�re not a ring bearer. We don�t have to save you."
"I was a ring bearer!" Legolas yelped, "Save me anyway!" And he looked down, "It looks like a big snake. Check that. A lot of big snakes."
"Do they have any boots over their heads?" Sam asked, and Boromir cast the hobbit a dirty look, "Are they wrapped up in fine Gondor cloth?"
"No. They don�t have anything over their heads. They look kind of flat. And slimy." Legolas nervously murmured, "And they�re swimming around me."
"Um . . ." Boromir bit on a fingernail, "What do you think we should do?" He turned to Aragorn, "Push the pony in and hope that the snakes will eat him instead?"
"NO ONE IS SACRIFICING THE PONY!" Sam suddenly roared in a very loud voice for a hobbit, and everyone (Legolas most of all) gave the hobbit an angry look, slapped a finger to their lips and as one hushed, "Shh!"
"If we save you," Gimli drew out his axe, "Does that mean you will stop acting like a pest?"
"I�m not a pest." Legolas glared, "So, yes."
"We must make the terms and conditions of this rescue quite clear," Sam flipped the document onto its back and then pulled out a pen, "Let�s draft a constitution!"
"A CONSTITUTION?!" Legolas roared as loudly as he dared, "YOU WANT TO DRAFT A CONSTITUTION?!"
"Although it pains me very much," Gandalf sniffled and blew his nose into a hanky, "We must press on through Moria and leave the elf for dead!"
"PAINS YOU? It would PAIN ME even more! And besides, do I look very dead to you?" The not-very-dead-but-very-much-alive (perhaps too alive) elf snarled, "And what�s the hurry?"
The wizard glared angrily, "I will not have my agenda tampered with!"
"Okay, okay! Mr. Punctuality!" Legolas rolled his eyes, "But you can�t get into Moria!"
"Humph." The wizard snorted, "I can too. I am a friend. If I speak the password, I can enter."
"Well, I�m waiting!" The elf sang, and Gandalf marched up to the doors, "Maybe your friendly elf could give a helping hand here!"
"I can read elven!" The wizard snarled again, and tapped at the door with this staff, muttering something under his breath. Unfortunately, the elf was right. Even as more and more snakes wound their way about him, Legolas retained a bright smirk on his face that irritated Gandalf even more, who had tried every single word in his elvish vocabulary (even the alphabet!) to try and get the stupid door open. But it wouldn�t. Time ticked on and Gandalf began to pace angrily, "I�m going to be late! I�m falling behind schedule!"
"You�re late! You�re late! For a very important date!" The elf sang (very softly), but very irritably, "The fluffy white wizard bounds down a dwarf-ie hole! HA!"
"I AM NOT FLUFFY!" Gandalf roared and the water stirred (Legolas gave him a dirty look), "And I�m not bounding anywhere until I get this door open!"
"You can open it, can�t you?" Boromir frowned, and looked up from where he and the rest of the Fellowship sat atop a dark concert of rocks. He was polishing his shield again, "I mean, it�s just a door!"
"Swords are of no more use here." Gandalf pounded on the door with an angry fist, "ARG! This is so stupid! The elves and the dwarves are giving their friends mental breakdowns! Speak friend and enter, MY FOOT!"
"We must use a shield, then!" Boromir announced, and marched boldly up to the doors of Moria, "LET ME IN!" The doors didn�t budge. The man glared at the door, "Do you have any idea who I am? MY DADDY IS BETTER THAN YOUR DADDY!"
"Um," Aragorn sniffled, "I don�t think that�s going to work, Boromir. You can�t pull rank on a door."
"Rescue the elf!" Legolas piped up, "Don�t forget that!"
"It�s on my to-do list!" Gandalf snorted back, "You�re going to have to help yourself!"
And suddenly, a bright light bulb flooded the elf�s brain with light and his eyes grew as wide as Gollum�s, "I have an idea!"
"Oh no." Gimli covered his face with his hands, "The elf has an idea."
"Look, look, look!" Frodo stuttered and pointed to the now slightly churning waters, "We can�t just stand here, can we?" All the hobbits looked pleadingly at Aragorn, "We have to do something!"
"Well, it�s his own fault he�s there." Gandalf snorted, but stared at Aragorn, "So?"
"Why is everyone looking at me?!" Aragorn stood and put out his pipe, "Okay. So everyone is looking at me."
"Definitely not because you�re pretty!" Legolas hissed, "I�m pretty!"
"Well, you�re not going to be pretty for much longer!" Gimli whimpered and peeked slightly between his fingers, "Oh no!"
"Hey, look!" Frodo suddenly gasped, "It�s a riddle!"
"No it�s not." The dwarf answered, and all the hobbits grinned excitedly, "What�s a riddle?"
"Speak friend and enter!" The Ring bearer gave Legolas a little look, "What�s the elvish word for friend?"
"Not dwarf." The elf spat, "Mellon!" And thus, the doors of Moria sprang open.
"Yippee. Where�s the congratulations party?" Boromir snorted and the entire Fellowship (minus elf) followed Gandalf into the darkness of Moria.
"Hey!" Legolas hissed, "What about me?"
But everyone had disappeared into the dark depths, only illuminated by Gandalf�s staff. The elf stared. He could not believe it. They were leaving him. And to think if it wasn�t for them he could be in Rivendell reading the latest REE catalogue, sipping a pink lemonade, and be lounging by Elrond�s goldfish pond! Legolas sniffled and looked down into the dark waters. Life was so unfair.
"YIPE-A-DOODLES!" Boromir suddenly screamed and the entire Fellowship fled out of Moria as soon as they had disappeared into it.
Before Legolas could ask what was so scary, his quick elven eyes caught the quick leap of a dark snake out of the water and grab a quick bite-sized hobbit for a light snack. Wait a moment. That snake was a little long. And it would have a pretty small mouth and surely couldn�t chug down an entire hobbit in one go. This wasn�t a snake. It was something else. Legolas�s mind (fortunately) worked pretty fast. His daddy had told him something about these waters. The watcher in the waters. There was something important about it. Hmm. The elf�s mind raced, but he just couldn�t put a finger on it. Hmm . . .
"AKKK!" Frodo, meanwhile was screaming as the snake grabbed him about a hobbit ankle and was lifting him into the air, "I AM FAR TOO SHORT FOR THIS RIDE!" With a growl, Sirius had managed to attach his large jaws about the dark snake, but the dog was no match for the thing and he too, was lifted into the air. Frodo saw the dog, "YOU DON�T MEET THE HEIGHT REQUIREMENT EITHER!"
The height requirement, meanwhile, was the last thing on Adhara�s mind as she drew her wand and screamed the very first spell that came to her mind, "Wingardium Leviosa!" Unfortunately, this levitated both hobbit and dog even higher and she smacked herself on the head, "What�s the opposite of wingardium leviosa?!"
"Oh no!" Sam gasped, wading into the water, trying to find something to hack with his sword, "The big snake has managed to unstick his head from the boot and wants Master Frodo!"
"Oh no!" Boromir yelped, "There goes our Ring Bearer!" And as he rushed to help Aragorn who had found something to hack apart, he tripped over the slimy rocks and his shield flew out of his hands.
Luckily, it was so well polished, it skimmed very lightly over the surface of the lake, as though a skipped pebble. Legolas saw this as an opportunity. Quickly jumping onto the shield, and fitting an arrow to his bow, the elf did a quick 360 and sped back towards the shore, to the amazement of all who was watching (namely, no one. Everyone else was too busy at the time.)
"Legolas!" Aragorn screamed as he hacked off another one of those annoying black snakes that kept on squirting out of the water everywhere, "Shoot it in the eye!"
"Aye, captain!" The elf did a quick salute and aimed at the nearest eye it could see and loosened his arrow.
"AKK!" Frodo screamed, "LEGOLAS IS TRYING TO KILL ME!"
"I am not!" Legolas screamed back, "I�m just trying to shoot you in the eye!"
"NOT FRODO IN THE EYE YOU IDIOT!" Aragorn screamed, and over the sound of splashing water and a hobbit screaming upside down, the elf heard, "SHOOT IT IN THE EYE!"
"Aye, aye, captain!" The elf saluted again and aimed his next arrow at the second closest eye he could find.
"NOT ME EITHER!" Sirius the dog growled, but in doing so, lost his grip on the snake and fell into the water with a gigantic splash.
"Legolas!" Aragorn screamed for the final time, "BE SERIOUS! SHOOT THE THING IN THE EYE!"
"WHAT THING?!" The elf screamed back, but his question was answered as a little thing suddenly caught his eye.
The slight movement would not have been seen by anyone but the sharpest-eyed elf, and fortunately, that was Legolas. With a quick spin, he did a 180 and loosened an arrow into the dark, after a gray wrinkly thing in the shadows. This was followed by a screech of pain. "YES! I�VE GOT IT!"
"NO YOU HAVEN�T!" Frodo screamed and the elf kick-spun another 180 and turned back to the battle, "That�s the WRONG WAY!"
"What am I supposed to be shooting?!" Legolas demanded angrily, getting a little dizzy from having to spin the shield about constantly to keep it afloat (he was not going in the waters again!). Suddenly, from the dark depths of the lake rose a gigantic mound of thing, more thing than any of the Fellowship had ever wanted to see in their lives. And most of the thing was made of teeth. They weren�t snakes after all, but the many tentacles of a gigantic squid-thing . . . the Watcher in the Water! The elf gulped. "Oh, never mind."
"SHOOT THAT THING IN THE EYE!" Aragorn screamed, and although he had shouted the same instructions twice already with no results, this time, the elf was on the same train of thought. Quickly fitting two arrows to his bow, Legolas loosened them both at the same time, and by some miracle (perhaps just elvish aim), they both managed to strike two eyes, dead in the center. Which two eyes . . .
"Oh no." Legolas whimpered, spinning on the shield as though a ballerina, "Oh dearie me!"
"ARG!" A certain, now blinded dwarf hollered, and raising his axe above his head, made in the direction of the elf, "I WILL HACK YOU TO BITS LEGOLAS GREENLEAF EVEN IF IT IS THE LAST THING I DO!"
"AKKK!" The elf yelped and quickly sped away on Boromir�s shield, paddling with his bow in the water, as though a gondolier, "HELP ME!"
"HELP YOU?!" Frodo screamed as the Watcher lowered the hobbit towards his many teeth, "HELP ME!"
"AKKK!" Legolas spun the shield quickly to gain more speed and he was getting even dizzier than a kid on a merry-go-round (uniform circular motion), "SOMEONE HELP ME!" But the elf was spinning quicker than a top and soon lost control of the shield entirely. With a last desperate effort, Legolas kicked out a pretty leg and the shield spun even quicker, making the elf a blur on the water.
"Look at my shield go!" Boromir roared, "Now that is quality waxing!"
"NOOOOOOO!" Legolas hollered as the shield spun even quicker and as though a spinning top, smacked dead into the big lumpy body of the Watcher, and did not stop nor even slow. As though a gigantic circular-saw on the loose, the shield whirred angrily as it sliced easily through the monster of the depths.
Large lumps of dark Watcher spun away from the elf-top and as the chunks of flesh splashed into the water as Legolas made his way through the entire beast, Frodo was finally dropped into the water. After many long minutes of top-like spinning, Legolas emerged on the other side, still on the fast-spinning shield. As it was spliced in half, the lumpy Watcher sunk back into its depths, quite dead.
"AKK!" Aragorn and Boromir jumped out of the water before anything else could eat them. Boromir wiped some water from his face, "My shield can spin!"
"YES IT CAN!" The elf on the still rapidly spinning shield finally crashed into a large rock and the motion stopped. With a large splash, Legolas and the shield fell into the dark depths of the water, and Boromir screamed with concern (rust, you know).
The little hobbits clustered on the shore with Gandalf and Adhara who were arguing about the opposite spell for wingardium leviosa, but Sirius had returned after helping Frodo to shore. The latter hobbit was a soaked to the bone and cursing crazy elven archers with every breath. "Oh gosh!"
"Where�s Legolas?" Gimli looked about, and took off his arrow-proof goggles which he had especially ordered from a mail-order catalogue he found lying around Rivendell. He had thought they�d come in handy. And they had. "I must congratulate him on slaying the Watcher in such STYLE!"
"Um . . ." Aragorn turned back out to the waters on which not a single ripple rode, "I thought he was out there! Where is he?!"
"Elves can swim, can�t they?!" Sirius asked, and the hobbits backed away from the talking dog, "Aragorn! You don�t suppose he . . ." The only answer was the stillness of the night and the glistening of the moon on water. "Legolas couldn�t possibly have . . ."
"OH NO!" Boromir dropped to his knees and wailed, "NO!"
"There, there," Gandalf patted his head, "Boromir . . ."
"Gone!" The heir of Denethur roared, "Gone forever!"
"Elves can�t drown can they?" Aragorn frowned, as the entire Fellowship mourned for their elf whom had been Public Enemy #1 about half an hour ago, but now as Public Friend #1. "To have saved us all!"
"My shield!" Boromir sobbed, tears flying everywhere, "I want my shield!"
"It�s alright," Aragorn sighed, "You�re a good swordsman, you don�t need one."
"But how can I sleep tonight without my security shield?!" Boromir wailed, to the amusement of the entire Fellowship, "I want my shield!"
CLUNK! Suddenly, out of the now calm waters, a single shield was thrown. Boromir rushed forward to reclaim his shield and clutched it to himself, happily. The man grinned, "Thank you, oh Lord of the Waters! You have given me great joy! Please appear so that I may thank you in person for your wonderful gift!"
There was no answer. The waters remained as calm as before. The entire Fellowship waited, intensely. Suddenly, there was a small ripple. And another, and another. Small waves began crashing onto the rocky shore and the heavens began lighting up with an unearthly glow. Aragorn gasped as the waves became larger, and out of them came a gigantic pearl-white clam, tightly closed. And from the heavens above, descended a quartet of angels, blowing on golden trumpets, announcing the arrival of this gigantic clam.
As the angels played, the clam floated onto the rocky shore, the waves softly caressing it, and the top slowly opened. The entire Fellowship watched in awe as the beautiful clam slowly opened to reveal its soft pink insides and nestled inside was truly a sight to behold! The hobbits gasped as one as the marveled at the true beauty that stepped out of the clam and stepped through the waters, an immortal golden glow radiating. Gimli�s jaw dropped in amazement as dwarves loved beautiful things and as the true image of beauty stepped onto the shore, tall and silent. Draped in robes of white that shone even brighter than the clam shell, true beauty was born! The angels slowly flew back up towards the heavens and the clam slowly closed, sinking back into the waters. And the waters were silent once more, without even a ripple. Upon the shore, however, was . . .
"LEGOLAS?!" Gimli screamed, in disbelief, "What happened?"
"Me?" The elf�s golden glow had faded, but as he twiddled with a finely brushed lock of golden hair and straightened his snow white robes which were draped toga-like about him, Legolas grinned, "Ain�t I pretty?!"
"Yes!" All the hobbits whistled and cheered, clapping their little hands together, "You�re so pretty!" And suddenly, the quartet improvised a quick routine, spinning about with head-stands and cartwheels, waving white pom-poms in both hands, yelling, "Give me a L . . . Give me an E . . . Give me a G . . ."
"Oh gosh!" Gimli gulped, as the hobbits continued, "Cheerleaders!"
". . . And what does that spell?!" The hobbits finished, "PRETTY!"
"Thank you." Legolas bowed deeply, "You ask the question how. And I shall answer. I had fallen into the shadow of the great lake as I could not swim. But now, I have passed through all four elements, earth � rocks, air � or lack of it, water � obviously, and fire � friction. I am reborn. Legolas Greenleaf is dead. But you can still call me Legolas. I am reborn as Legolas Whiteleaf."
"Legolas the White?" Gandalf�s eyes narrowed, "Give me a break."
And the hobbits, still in character, waved the pom-poms and screamed, "Give me a B . . . R . . . E . . . A . . . K!"