There was no answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don�t see a doorbell." Sirius dismounted from Legolas�s steed just before a large stone fence that spanned a rather furious and foaming white river and seemed to led to what seemed to be Rivendell. Or at least the Place of Pretty Palaces. "Isn�t it rude just to walk across the bridge?"
"Well, do you usually knock before going into your own home?" Boromir asked skeptically, still mounted, "Let�s go. I�m hungry. And if we don�t see Elrond quickly, our little elf-friend�s pretty little nose will be the least of his worries."
"Alright, alright," Sirius sighed and led the white stallion across the rather wide and spacious stone bridge to the Last Homey House of the East (or at least, he called it the Last Homey Home), staring a little skeptically at the river. The water crackled and spit at him, as though they knew he was not truly Aragorn, son of Arathorn. I know I�m not. Sirius replied tartly, Just that everyone thinks I am. The river became silent, as though it could not argue that. Now don�t you even start thinking I am Aragorn. Because I�m not. I�m Sirius! The river did not speak again.
"Hmm, that river seems to know you�re home." Boromir noted as the duo rode through a beautiful light colored forest trail, sunlight dancing across their paths, although Sirius was a little afraid what was at the end of it. "Doesn�t it feel so good to be back?"
"Err . . . yes . . ." Sirius murmured, and decided to come home as though it was really his home although he didn�t have a home, unless you counted Azkaban, and one could hardly call that a home. "This seems to be a long trail."
"Yes, it does." Boromir sighed, but then suddenly gasped in amazement, pointing, at something ahead of them in a trail, "Oh, Aragorn! You never told me you lived in something that beautiful!"
"Don�t call me Aragorn, I�m Sirius." Sirius scowled bitterly, but it was Sirius�s turn to stare, as he looked up and his senses took in the wonders of the House of Elrond, a delicate and beautiful combination of stone and wood, suggesting . . . Sirius paused and turns to you, "If you actually want a description of Rivendell, just watch the darn movie."
A sudden surge of warmth flooded through him, and Sirius leapt off his mount and raced up the marble stairs, flung open the richly carved light wooden doors which suggested some type of leaf motif and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Honey! I�m HOME!"
"What?!" An elderly old chap who had been resting his eyes in a large wicker armchair suddenly sprang up, brandishing what seemed to be a large driftwood staff, screaming, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
"Hey! Wait a sec!" Sirius jumped in surprise, but managed to draw his wand (a bit of kingsfoil was still tangled on it) and waved it crazily, before recognizing whom the other was, "Am I glad to see you!"
"Am I glad to see you too!" Gandalf the wizard sighed and gave Sirius a rather large hug, "Okay, we�re getting you out of here . . . and getting Aragorn back!"
"What do you mean?" Boromir, who had been standing quietly to the side asked, his eyes narrowing, "That this is not Aragorn, son of Arathorn?"
"I�ve been trying to tell you that I�m not Aragorn son of Arathorn ever since I�ve met you, Boromir!" Sirius gritted his teeth angrily, "I�m Sirius!"
"I know you are being serious," The wizard straightened Sirius�s robes a little, "Hmm, Lord Elrond will see you now. Just through those doors." He pointed. Sirius stared.
"But I�m not Aragorn!" Sirius whimpered, "I�m not!"
"I know you�re not." Gandalf muttered under his breath, "But you�ll have to do. Aragorn is having some technical difficulties right now."
"Technical difficulties?" Sirius roared, "I�m having a technical difficulty right now too!"
"You would be doing a favor for Gondor . . ." Gandalf�s voice had that note of warning in it that made Sirius shut up. He had no intentions as to being turned into anything unnatural.
"Alright. I�m Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur," Sirius rehearsed quickly, "Foster son of Elrond . . ." He paused and turned to Gandalf, "You mean Elrond won�t be able to tell me and his foster son apart?"
"Well, he�s maturing you see, and his vision isn�t what it used to be." The wizard sighed, "And his patience is short. In you go now."
Boromir looked ready to point out something, but Sirius did not give him the chance and ran through a set of darker wood doors, still covered with some kind of leaf motif.
"You have returned, Estel." Surprised at the softness of the voice, Sirius jumped at the elf sitting at a large table covered with parchment and old books, so obviously his study, "You have stayed away for a rather long time."
"I�m afraid I have." Sirius stammered and stared at the tall, chestnut haired elf who had a few locks of his hair delicately arranged into some kind of airy arrangement (that was a compliment. Sirius was willing to bet a yank on either one of them would cause the hair to spring into knots) on either side of his rather thin face, a look of amusement lit up his features. "Sorry."
"I see." Elrond replied, and stood, motioning for Sirius to come forward, "I see you haven�t had a chance to freshen up yet." He chuckled pleasantly, "There was a young fellow this morning who thought it would be rather humorous to bathe in my goldfish pond. I have set the Armies of Rivendell after him. Probably that bratty little wood-elf from Mirkwood again."
"Quite right." Sirius replied plainly, "Where is this goldfish pond of yours?" He stammered, "I seem to have forgotten."
"Oh that old thing," Elrond led the way out of the study (Sirius paused to stare at some sort of golden globe, and had to run after the elven-lord to avoid getting lost), and down many flights of stairs and through brightly lit hallways, each more uniquely and beautifully decorated than the last. These elves had some obsession with light and water, for those elements were everywhere, not to say that Rivendell was a damp place or anything. "Well, that young lad, any how, should be caught by now." Elrond was still grinning, "You should have seen Arwen�s face when she ran in here! It was a Kodak moment."
"You use Kodak film?" Sirius gawked, "Well, so do I!"
"Of course." The elf nodded, and Sirius was surprised that he felt so at home in his company, as opposed to bratty little Legolas�s. Actually, Legolas wasn�t that bad. As long as no one teased him about his looks. "Here we are!"
It was truly a mystery to Sirius how Legolas could have thought that the white tiled pool, brimming with fragrant water lilies in the middle of a bright courtyard could have been an ordinary pool. Pretty little goldfish darted to and fro in the pool and Sirius delighted in watching them so much that he sat on the raised edge, and Elrond settle himself beside him.
"Ah, it�s been so long!" The elf-lord sighed and looked over Sirius carefully, "You seem to have matured!" Recalling his limited elven, Sirius figured this to be a compliment, "Ah, but your ears are ever as round,"
"I know. Couldn�t get them pointy." Sirius pretended to sound displeased.
"Are you pinching them every morning?" Elrond asked sternly, and Sirius nodded, "Well, they will eventually turn pointy. Don�t worry."
"I�m not worried." Sirius sighed, "Oh well. It just proves I�m not an elf. Like you."
The older elf smiled sadly and was full of understanding, patted Sirius�s hand, "Don�t worry. We�ll figure something out. I suppose you�ll want to see Arwen."
"Who is Arwen?" Sirius asked, "Oh, the one who spotted Legolas in the gold fish pond."
"So it was the Mirkwood brat!" Elrond fumed, "I�ll have his pretty little nose ripped off before the day is out and . . ." He paused, "Arwen? Well, let�s say she is your . . . er . . ." Elrond laughed, "Very close and dear fianc�e!"
"My WHAT?!" Sirius gasped, "This wasn�t in the job description!"
"Well, then, you shouldn�t have been singing that stupid song while walking through the forest then!" Elrond laughed again, "But don�t be late for the Council, alright?"
"Oh." Sirius nodded.
"And yes, I suppose we can�t rip that Mirkwood elf�s nose off now can we? His daddy would get mad." Elrond stood and made ready to go, but clearly wanted Sirius to stay where he was, "I�ll talk with you later." He turned and strode away, murmuring softly to himself. "Maybe we should just rip off the ears. Or a toe. Or a finger. Or his hair. Or . . ."
"Poor Legolas." Sirius shrugged and turned back to the goldfish, "Hey little fellows, I hope that elf didn�t disturb you this morning . . ."
"He certainly disturbed me!" Sirius looked up to see a rather beautiful elf, but then again, all elves were beautiful, and supposed that this pretty young woman was Arwen. Lucky Aragorn. "I was looking out the window and into the court yard and all of a sudden HOLY CABOOSES there was this nude elf swimming in this pool and . . ."
"Slow down!" Sirius laughed as she took Elrond�s abandoned spot, "What?"
"And he was apparently taking a bath with lavender soap!" She gasped, as though that was the ultimate wrong doing, "And after that, I had to change the water before Daddy�s prize goldfish died!"
"Oh." Sirius nodded, "What happened after that?"
"Well, I think they have caught up with him now." She sighed and looked about the empty courtyard, covered with beautiful flowering plants and ivy, "I suppose that we could go see him. There would be a public flogging . . . I think something along the lines of . . . ninety lashings." Sirius winced. "No, one hundred. Ninety was for urinating in the pond. And bathing in the pond is much more . . . vulgar . . . considering that those," She waved to the handful of apartments that looked into the courtyard, "Are all mine! My own . . ." She cooed, "My precious . . ."
Suddenly, in a flash of silver light, Gandalf stood before them, looking very disturbed, "Your precious? It�s been called that before. Not by you." He paused and stared at Arwen, "I think young lady, you have had those apartments for quite long enough!"
"They�re mine!" She snarled suddenly, and Sirius jumped, "You just want them for yourself!"
"Lady Arwen!" Gandalf roared, "Do not take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks! I am not trying to ROB you!" He sighed, "I am only trying to help you." Arwen suddenly burst into tears and grabbed Gandalf, crying into his robes, "There, there," The wizard patted her hair softly.
"You�re right," She sniffled through her tears, "Those apartments must go to Frodo!"
"Frodo!" Sirius jumped up in surprise, suddenly remembering, "Oh, crap! I have to talk to your father! Now!"
"Why, what is so urgent?" Arwen pulled out a hanky and was wiping at her face, "Frodo is supposed to be here for the Council!"
"When is the Council?" Sirius gasped.
"In about twenty four hours." She nodded, and Sirius was ready to faint.
"Go get Boromir! And Legolas! We ride at once!" Sirius screamed, "Oh crap! Gandalf! We�re going to have to find those hobbits before the Council and I thought that we could have asked Lord Elrond for help but now with the goldfish incident and the hobbits missing and . . ."
"Missing?" Arwen frowned, "But then, who will I give my apartments to?"
"To whom you give your apartments is the least of my worries, lady!" Sirius shrieked, "I need to get my grubby paws on hobbits NOW!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Are you alright in there?" Adhara was pounding loudly on the door. There had been no answer for three hours. "Answer me, Aragorn, or I�m coming in there!"
There was no answer.
"Alright then!" She screamed and grabbed a chair, "This door is going to get the CHAIR!"
Whapping the door without mercy, the hinges soon gave way and Adhara found herself in the direct path of what seemed to be a busted dam. Check that. She was in the path of a busted dam! But before she could react, she found herself soaked, and standing in the middle of a hallway knee-high in water.
"Never underestimate the power of the water in a little room." She groaned, and looked around quickly. It was quite obvious that Aragorn had escaped through the ventilation shafts and was quite far away by now. Adhara sighed. Men. Can�t live them, can live without them. Arg.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You lost the hobbits." Boromir moaned, and gave both Sirius and Legolas a deadly look, "And I suppose you�ve lost the One Ring too."
"I suppose so." Legolas sniffled (since his bath and his running around in the cold, he had acquired (to his ultimate embarrassment) a rather severe head cold) and blew his nose with the very best Kleenex he could afford. He had a green box of this tucked under an arm right about now, and hoped that the continuous friction on his pretty little nose would not make him look like Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. It was the last thing the elf wanted. And it was so lucky that Sirius and Boromir pulled him away from the Army of Rivendell just seconds before they were going to slice off his pretty little nose . . . Ah yes, a nose in need deserves Puffs indeed. He sniffled again. "They were taken by orcs. Isengard, I would say."
"Well, why didn�t you say so sooner?" Boromir was nearly hysterical, "I mean, for all we know, Sauron has the darn ring on his finger and we�re about to be squashed!"
"I would suppose so." Sirius quipped.
"And the trail is all cold!" The bearer of the Horn of Gondor continued, his eyes growing wider, "And we can get the ring and use it against the enemies of Gondor and . . . and . . . and . . ." He paused and stared at his companions and at the backdrop behind them which was Rivendell. "Why are we standing here arguing?"
"We�re not." Legolas blew his nose again, "You are."
"This is folly!" Boromir rolled his eyes and ran in a random direction, "I�m getting my steed NOW!"
"Then you would be going in the incorrect direction." The elf replied tartly, and hoisted a finger over his shoulder, "The horses are that way."
Boromir paused in his tracks and stared at Sirius, "Aragorn, son of Arathorn, I must insist that you stop making fun of me, for pity�s sakes! Even though I do owe you my allegiance, I don�t enjoy jokes on me! They are folly!"
"Yes, of course." Sirius muttered, rolling his eyes right back, "For pity�s sake, stop saying everything is folly!"
"Oh, that is folly!" Boromir waved a casual hand and pointed to the sun, "It�s getting late. Let�s be on our way."
"Again." Legolas rolled his eyes (all the companions seemed to be doing this a lot), "Aren�t we supposed to go to Isengard after the Council of Elrond? Trust me. I�ve read Lord of the Rings."
"Lord of the Rings?" Boromir asked, "What�s that?"
"Not FOLLY!" Sirius hoisted his novel out of his bag, "See? Tolkien!"
"Oh, for pity�s sake, stop occupying my time with such trifles!" He snorted and began walking in the opposite direction, "This is all FOLLY!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He turned the corner. And thus, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, made his first mistake out of Middle Earth. Having climbed onto the ceiling of the London General hospital and taking a good look around, Aragorn randomly took a corner and turned it, walking towards what seemed to be the edge of the roof. These roofs couldn�t be much higher than those of Rivendell or Mirkwood. It would be an easy jump. And then, he would find Gandalf and demand if the wizard was feeling alright, leaving the heir of Isildur to torture and pain in the hands of that . . . woman!
Actually, if he had turned the corner in the opposite direction, Aragorn, son of Arathorn would have made his first mistake anyway. There was no way of avoiding it. Aragorn, son of Arathorn was going to make a big boo-boo. And it would result in him having a really big boo-boo.
Aragorn walked to the edge of the roof and wondered why there was an iron railing, but as he gripped that and looked down, his stomach seemingly flopped out of his mouth and down the one-hundred-and-thirty-second floors of the London General, right down onto Main Street and a yellow cab ran it over. In short, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, turned aside and was sick. He had experienced his first skyscraper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I don�t know how this will make you feel, Legolas," Sirius remarked as the trio were reunited (and the elf still had his nose and had acquired some more clothing, and was toting around that annoying box of Puffs tissues with lotion), "But after this morning, Arwen is selling her apartments and calling them rooms with a view."
"I don�t know how this will make you feel, Boromir," Legolas suddenly snapped, "But after this morning, Arwen doesn�t like you." Boromir stared in confusion. He hadn�t even met the elven princess. But someone had . . .
"I don�t know how this will make you feel, Aragorn," Boromir quipped, "But after last night, the hobbits may be dead and the One Ring off somewhere . . . Are you positive it was orcs, Legolas?"
"Of course," The elf shot daggers at him, "I am an elf. My senses are superb. And so are my looks."
"Can you smell any now?" The man looked around, and wondered if after half a day of very hard riding on very fast elven horses (stolen) if they had gotten any closer to the orcs, or at the very least, Isengard. "I mean, how far off are they?"
Legolas sniffled, and suddenly, whipped out a Kleenex and blew out his dear little heart. Waving the little clump of snot-filled tissue, the elf demanded, "Do you think I can smell with snot clogging my pretty little nose?"
"Well, can you see?" Boromir asked, "Hear?"
"My ears are all plugged up because I�m sneezing so much and I can�t see because I�m feverish and everything seems to be swimming . . ." Legolas sneezed again, tossing the dirty tissues at Boromir in disgust, "Haven�t you ever had a cold?"
"Of course not." Boromir stuck his nose into the air, "Colds are folly!"
"Then let�s see if this will give you a cold!" The elf snarled and whispered a few words of elven so that his horse sprang forward and he was riding parallel to Boromir. Suddenly, he leant over and sneezed very violently at the man, "Elven germs!"
"AKK!" Nearly falling off his horse in shock, Boromir kicked Legolas� steed away from him, but not before grabbing an elven Kleenex with which he wiped angrily at his cloak.
"That�s not going to work." Sirius felt like pointing out.
"Oh, for pity�s sake," Boromir shot Legolas a dirty look, "Elven booger stains on my cloak. Now how am I going to explain that to my Daddy? This is FOLLY!"
"Your daddy?" Sirius rolled his eyes, "How old are you man?"
"Older than you, Aragorn, son of Arathorn!" Boromir snorted, "And how would you like elven boogers on your cloak!"
"Hey! Look!" Sirius strained his eyes and on the horizon, he could see what seemed to be a small group of dark creatures, "There�s some kind of gigantic primitive ape man over there."
"Ape men? What are apes?" Boromir shaded his eyes from the sun and looked in that direction as well, "Those aren�t apes!"
"Wait, you�re right!" Sirius was still staring, "They have pointy ears! Elves!"
"An elf that dark?" Legolas suddenly grew serious, but quickly lost it, "They must have forgotten their SPF 93 sunblock!"
"Those aren�t elves, my dear friends." Boromir�s voice grew grim, "They are orcs."
"Good. Then they probably have the hobbits!" Sirius suddenly grew cheerful again. First of all, everyone was serious once more, and they were very close to recovering the hobbits. After they found the hobbits, then they could return to Rivendell for some stupid Council. Sirius hoped that lunch and dinner were inclusive.
"And the One Ring!" Legolas provided and frowned, "My aim is off."
"Ooh . . ." Boromir teased, "Now isn�t this folly?"
"Your head is folly." The elf snapped, "And for pity�s sakes . . ."
"Stop using my expressions!" Boromir snapped right back, and was about to say more, but Sirius held up a hand for silence.
"How are we going to do this?" He whispered as their mounts still powerfully raced beneath them, "Run in there screaming our heads off and maybe they�ll scatter? What�s the chance of that?"
"None, you idiot." Legolas stuck his nose in the air (it was a little pink), "Here�s the plan. We breathe elven germs onto them and when they flop over and die . . ."
"Look, Legi," Sirius rolled his eyes, "That is NOT going to work."
"Legi." Legolas tilted his head, "I like that. It sounds cute. And adorable. Like me."
"Folly." Boromir whispered under his breath. "FPS!"
"What is FPS?" Sirius asked, "Full Postage Service?"
"No." The other man lowered his voice so that it was full of conspiracy, "For pity�s sake!"
"Oh. FPS! OMG! AKK! REE!" Legolas suddenly screamed as the ending to their argument came so suddenly, as all three elven steeds slammed into a wild cluster of orcs, whom they had approached without notice. As objects in motion tend to stay in motion, unless an external unbalanced force is applied, all three riders went flying as all three horses slammed into a whole shebang of orcs. Spines all shattered and they lay there, dead.
In what seemed to be a doggy-pile in a high school football field, a big tangle of dark orcs and light horses lay, all in death. All three riders breathed a sigh of relief. They had been tossed, and Sirius currently sat up, nursing a bruised tail bone, Boromir was a bit worse off, with a nasty bump to his head, but of course, for our dear hero (FPS) Legolas Greenleaf, everything was worse than worse. Upon impact, his Puffs Kleenex box had hit first and there was no chance the flimsy cardboard could have withstood contact with the hard ground. The box exploded. And they flew everywhere, tissues, into the air, and fluttered softly to the ground, large butterflies flitting their wings in the wind.
"FPS? OMG? AKK? REE?" Boromir sputtered, rubbing his head, and finally caught sight of the pile of dead orcs and horses, "Hey," he turned to his companions, "You�re pretty good at this! Three horses and thirty orcs! Down in one go! Is that like . . . three strikes in three frames of ten pin bowling?"
"No, Boromir." Sirius wondered where the Heir of Denethur would have heard of bowling from, "FPS = For Pity�s Sake; OMG = Oh My Goodness; AKK = AKK; REE = Royal Elven Exchange."
"Oh, that is so straight forward!" Boromir giggled, "I don�t believe how daft I am! I didn�t see it right away! That is such folly!"
"He hit his head." Legolas observed, as he picked up as many tissues he could get his hands on and stuffed them in a pocket after shaking the dirt off, "Now were are the hobbits?"
"We�re here! We�re here!" And before Sirius could exclaim with joy, four little curly-haired hobbits ran up to him and threw their arms about his legs again, and the four little hobbits wept with joy. Sirius couldn�t help noticing that Pippin and the other one, Merry, was holding a rather large burlap bag which he was willing to bet contained mushrooms.
"Where�s the Ring?!" Boromir demanded, and Frodo looked up, happy tears glistening in his eyes, "You have it, don�t you?"
"Oh, I have got rid of that darn thing!" The hobbit grinned happily, and all the company were relieved. Except for a certain man.
"Get rid of it?" Boromir asked again, "But you couldn�t have! That is folly! You would have needed to throw it into the cracks of Mount Doom!"
"We didn�t need to get rid of it that way!" Pippin added, and whipped out a large IBM Laptop computer (Sirius goggled. Now where did that hobbit get that?), "You see, we threw it into the great cracks of eBay!"
"YOU DIDN�T!" Sirius hollered, and because he knew a thing or two about Muggles, he had clearly figured that this was a gigantic auction center on the World Wide Web, "Who bought it?"
"Oh, some guy, of course we don�t know who it was but by the screen name," Pippin patted his trusty laptop, "We were paid, quite handsomely. And none of that wimpy Earth money either. It was good Middle Earth gold!"
"Middle Earth!" Sirius gasped, for that could only mean one thing! The enemy had this ring! The ring that could destroy them all and everything they fought for � the very existence of a free Middle Earth!
"Of course Middle Earth has the Internet!" Legolas snapped primly and patted his bag, "I happen to have a computer at home. And it�s a Pentium-4 custom built Bell with DVD-drive and 40 inch flat screen and . . . oh, all the elves are hooked up on the Internet, don�t you know?"
"What was the screen name?" Sirius growled, "We have to find them!"
"Oh, some vain person, quite a stupid screen name, actually." Sam rolled his eyes, and Sirius noted that the other hobbits were starting a fire and pulling what seemed to be tomatoes, bacon and sausages out of their pack, "Something I�ll never forget! It was . . ." He paused to shutter, "I_have_a_very_pretty_nose." The blood drained from Sirius�s face. Sam continued, "And you wouldn�t believe his e-mail address! [email protected]!"
"Does it leave any room to doubt who the identity of whom this may be?" Sirius whispered harshly, and rubbed his temples, "That stupid idiot!"
"It was Haldir!" Legolas suddenly jumped up, "All that pretty crap, he�s not pretty! He�s so ugly, and I mean, I have a very pretty nose. Besides, all elves are pretty but I am the prettiest!"
"@Mirkwood.com?" Sirius rolled his eyes, "What was Haldir doing in Mirkwood?"
"I�m his fashion consultant!" Legolas stuck his nose into the air, but then paused. "Hey, what was the screen name again?"
"I_have_a_very_pretty_nose." Sam repeated.
"SOME ONE HAS BEEN USING MY DARN SCREEN NAME!" Legolas jumped up from where he sat, screaming, "HOW DARE HE?"
"What was the last thing you bought off eBay, Legolas?" Sirius asked in what he hoped was a very casual voice, "The very last thing?"
"Oh, that little thing, quite cheap," The elf plunked himself down on the ground and began pulling at his booties, "I got it just a couple of nights ago. Arrived by Eagle Post."
"Owl Post." Sirius muttered. "I hope it is what it is. Then we don�t have to go looking for something that we already have."
"It was a little small and the sizes kept on shrinking and it was so small, I couldn�t get it to do anything but become what it has become!" Legolas was fussing, and tossed his bootie aside, starting to pull of thick gray wooly socks (Merry was disgusted at the way the elf�s foot smelt. Not stinky. But of lavenders). "See?" The elf waved his elegant toes (the ones on the other foot were broken) around in the air and to the entire company�s amazement, there, on his tinniest toe, was a small band of gold. "My toe ring. That is the last thing I got off eBay."
"Your TOE RING?" Boromir roared, "YOUR TOE RING?"
"Yes, my toe ring." Legolas kept on waving his toes, "When I first got it, I threw it into the fire to see if that would make it expand but it didn�t, and instead, there was some mumbo-jumbo on it. Old elven. I really couldn�t read it. The language of Mordor. It said something along the lines of . . . One elf to rule them all, one elf that�s pretty, one elf to beat them all, and in the darkness ever pretty . . ."
"No." Sirius gasped, "It should read, One Ring to rule them all . . ."
"AKK!" Legolas shouted and began pulling at his toe ring, "EEW! I have the ONE RING on my TOE?"
"Yes, yes, you do." Boromir was quite quick to point out without a trace of humor in his voice, although all four hobbits were on the ground laughing, "The One Ring."
"THIS THING OF EVIL WILL MAR MY BEAUTIFUL TOE FOREVER!" Legolas was going crazy, and finally succeeded in ripping the evil band off his toe and flung it onto the ground before him, "DISGUSTING! And to think I paid good money for that thing!"
"Yes, and it bought many mushrooms!" Pippin offered, and pointed to his mushroom he had speared on a stick and was currently roasting over the fire, "Yummy."
"My TOE!" Legolas moaned, clutching his foot, "IT IS CONTAMINATED!"
"Oh gosh." Sirius screamed, "We have to get back to Rivendell! The Council! Frodo, grab the Ring!"
"NO!" The little hobbit surprisingly screamed, pointing to Legolas who was still withering on the ground, "Look what it did to HIM!"
"Because he�s a vain doof-bag, that�s why!" Sirius kicked the elf who whimpered, "GET YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN!"
"MAN?!" Eyes flashing dangerously, Legolas hopped to his feet, whipped his sock back on, slammed his bootie onto his foot, grabbed an arrow from his quiver, slotted it to his bow, and drew the string, all before Sirius could blink. "I THOUGHT I HAD THIS QUITE CLEAR THE FIRST TIME! I AM NOT A MAN!" The elf sighed sadly, "Although my pure and beautiful soul has now been corrupted with the ring, I am still an elf. I have not sunk to the level of men. And I wish I never shall. Amen."
Then Sirius realized they had a problem. Of course you had seen it before hand, and probably are laughing at him, but you are comfy and sitting at home, but Sirius was in the middle of a foreign world and in quite a situation. Sirius opened his mouth, "How are we going to get back to Rivendell in less than twelve hours?"
"The same way we got here?" Legolas suggested but a brief look at the pile of orcs quickly told him otherwise. "Aww, man! How are we going to get out of here?"
"Exactly." Sirius muttered, "Maybe fly?"
"We�re going to be late!" Boromir screamed, "OH NO!"
"No, do not despair!" Pippin squeaked, and looked up from tapping his fingers rapidly across his keyboard, "I have found the perfect thing for you on eBay!"
"Unless it was three elven horses and four hobbit ponies," Boromir sighed, "I�m afraid you�re out of luck! We�re out of luck!"
"Aha!" Pippin continued, "It is indeed three elven horses and four hobbit ponies!"
"You can get that kind of stuff on eBay?" Sirius gasped, "I didn�t know that!"
"There are many things Men do not know." Legolas muttered, took a long stick, and poked at the Ring, "Now who is going to carry it?"
"I shall, for I am the Ring Barrier." Frodo snorted, "Wait. No. I�m the Ring Bearer."
"Much better, Master Frodo!" Sam complimented, and turned to Pippin, "Can you get them delivered express?"
"Of course!" The other hobbit laughed and before the entire company�s eyes, a small cloud of dust appeared on the horizon. It was growing. Something was coming towards them. Something brown, and square, similar to a . . .
"UPS delivery van?" Sirius rolled his eyes, "Come on guys, this is getting too crazy!"
"NOTHING IS TOO CRAZY!" The hobbits chorused.
"Well, at least we�re getting to Rivendell on time," Boromir sighed, and turned to Legolas, "You�re picking up the tab."
"Well, it�s the least I can do, forcing you guys to run across the country after my toe ring," The elf sighed, and tousled the hair of the nearest hobbit (it happened to be Pippin), "And I�m glad we got them back, too."
"Ah, the elf is talking sense." Sirius grinned, "There. Back to Rivendell. Have a Council. And then I�m going home and . . ." Suddenly, there was a lump in his throat. "We�re going to have to separate." And then he realized it. He was rather attached to them all. The mushroom-loving hobbits, the vain elf, and the rather friendly man. Tears prickled in his eyes, "I don�t know what to say."
"Don�t worry," Legolas murmured with elf-intelligence, and placed a gentle hand on Sirius�s shoulder, "Somehow, something in my heart tells me you have yet a part to play in all this before it is all over. Be it for good or evil."
"Oh. But I�ll still miss you." Sirius sniffled. They all fell silent. "I�m going back."
"Well, I suppose even if we have the horses and the ponies, we�ll still be late if we don�t hurry." Boromir suddenly suggested, and although no one answered, they all acknowledged, climbed aboard their respective mounts, and began the long journey back to Rivendell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~