"Precious!" Gollum wailed and then realized he had no idea where it was, "Where are you, Precious?" Alas, if only the ring could talk!
Suddenly, the sound of running water brought sailing hopes in Gollum. A stream in the middle of the forest! Very good! He could wash his face off, then! But as he followed the sound, he realized that it led up the side of a very steep mountain which was covered with snow. Oh well, it was worth it if he could wash his face.
All too soon, he came to what seemed to once have been a very clear stream. Unfortunately, it was not so clear anymore and there were little bubbles floating in the water. Gollum dipped a finger in the water and sniffed at his hand. Lavenders. Now why would the stream smell like lavenders? Gollum stuck the finger into his mouth. Ugh. Tasted like bubble bath. A stream of lavender bubble bath?
Sticking to a large bunch of shrubs which grew along the side of the stream, Gollum continued up the mountain to find the source of this strange wonder. Quite quickly, he found the source to be quite unexpected, and stared. Unfortunately, the source stared right back at him. The source had a very loud annoying voice and threw what seemed to be a wooden back scrubbing brush into the woods at Gollum and the brush bounced off his head. Ouch. What manners. The source took off screaming.
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"ARAGORN!" Legolas hollered at the top of his lungs, flying from the stream where he had been taking a well deserved and peaceful bath, "There�s SOMETHING in the BUSHES!"
"Really?" Sirius looked up, "What are you doing, Legolas?"
"And it was staring at me when I was . . ." The elf paused, "Scrubbing my back with my brush! And I tossed the brush at him and the brush bounced off its head . . . it was little." Legolas paused. "I have reason to believe it was a hobbit!"
"A hobbit?" Boromir who had been tending the fire next to Sirius looked up next, "Really, now? What would a hobbit have been doing in the woods?"
"Staring." Legolas flushed, "At things it shouldn�t have been staring at."
"Look, elf." Gimli stared at the elf who had diverted his attentions from sharpening his axe, "If there was a hobbit he didn�t see anything I don�t see now."
"What do you mean by that?" Legolas looked around and the Company, minus Gandalf (who was off scouting) and minus the hobbits (who were off hunting mushrooms), all laughed at him, "Hey wait a second." The elf looked down, flushed and quickly ran in the direction from whence he came.
"Why do we have to travel with an idiot?" Gimli set his axe down and picked up a pipe, "But still I wonder what was in those bushes."
"Maybe the yeti." Sirius rolled his eyes, "Or maybe just something from the elf�s overactive imagination."
"Hey!" Legolas was back and had uprooted a gigantic bush which he was currently holding out in front of him, "Aren�t you going to go investigate?"
"Investigate what?" Sirius sighed, "Look. There�s nothing."
"It could be an orc!" The elf began to panic, "Or Sauron! Or . . ." He shivered, "Maybe it could have been Gandalf!"
"I�m sure it wasn�t." Boromir replied tartly, "Now why don�t you go put that bush away and put something on. We�re leaving as soon as we have finished breakfast. The mountains aren�t going to wait for you, you know."
"Alright." The elf shrugged, "I suppose that works. I�ll be going now."
"Oh, and walk backwards." The dwarf suggested, "That way I can still eat my breakfast without tossing it afterwards."
"Humph!" Legolas snorted and walked backwards into the bushes.
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Gollum had finished cleaning his face with a bottle of strong purple stuff, and had wiped his face dry with a large pile of what seemed to be wrinkled cloths. Anyway, they were no good now, all wet. Gollum took them and tossed the cloths and the bottle down the stream and watched them wash away. All better. A twig snapped and Gollum looked around quickly. Maybe the thing with the brush and the loud voice was coming back! Quite glad that his face was clean, Gollum quickly jumped into the shrubs and hid in the shadows.
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"Where are my clothes?" Legolas looked around, holding his bush in front of him, turning over rocks at his bathing spot, "Okay, this is it! They peek, steal my bubble bath and even take my clothes! This is so stupid!" And seeing no other way to go about this, he quickly ran back to the Company to which the hobbits and the wizard had returned and were eating cheese and ham stuffed mushrooms. "Someone stole my clothes!"
"No one stole your clothes, Legolas." Sirius murmured, getting a headache, "Who would want them?"
"But I don�t have any!" The elf protested, "Look, we�re all going to have to form search parties and cover a fifty mile radius!"
"To look for clothes?" The wizard glared, "No."
"Then what am I supposed to wear?" Legolas rolled his eyes, "They wouldn�t let me bring my box and all they let me bring were my hair care and body products. Arg."
"Just wear your bush." Sirius tossed the elf a length of elven rope, "Tie it around your waist or something."
"OOH!" Legolas suddenly screamed, excited, tying the rope about himself, "That is such a good idea! Oh, Aragorn! You have such fashion sense! This is so castaway look, I mean . . ." He paused and finished his knot and wiggled his toes, "Don�t I look so tropical?"
"No," Gimli snorted, "You look like a nude elf who has tied a bush to himself."
"Arg," The elf rolled his eyes, "You see, Gimli, son of Gloin, you don�t have much fashion sense. I am doing the tropical getup! This is how it works!" He gestured to the bush, "Genuine 100% woodland grass kilt." And to his foot, "Genuine 100% invisible footwear." And to his hair, "Genuine 100% free flowing." And to his arms, "Genuine 100% tanned." And to himself, "Genuine 100% elf." And to his nose, "Genuine 100% pretty!"
"The elf�s new clothes," Boromir sighed, "Alright, hurry up there. Get you stuff. We�d best be going."
"Ah, yes," Legolas ran back to his belongings and jammed his booties (which were not gone) onto his feet and after a bit of looking around, slung his bag and quiver across his back, waving his bow in the air as though a trophy, "I am so pretty!"
"Yes, Legolas, you are so pretty." Gimli offered, "And you�re going to freeze your rear end off once we get to the areas with snow!"
"Oh, my pretty little rear end!" Legolas gasped, "That would be such a scandal!"
The hobbits (who had been stuffing the last of the mushrooms into their mouths) stared at the elf. And finally, Sam piped up, "That is so creative!"
"And you can so make do!" Frodo chorused.
"And that�s so pretty!" Merry sang.
"And economical!" Pippin offered.
"Hey, what�s that?" Gandalf suddenly interrupted and pointed to a mountain stream which washed past their camp. Everyone looked. The wizard was pointing at a clump of what seemed to be soggy and wet cloths floating in the stream. Correction. They were a clump of what seemed to be soggy and wet clothes floating in the stream. "Looks like someone�s misplaced articles!"
"Oh, who would be stupid enough to lose their clothes in a stream?" Legolas screamed, shocked, and lightly bounded over to the stream and plucked up a piece of clothing between two fingers. The elf carefully turned the thing around in slow revolutions, didn�t seem to recognize it, and began searching for a tag.
The little white tag bore black letters big enough for the entire Fellowship to read REE. For some reason, the elf thought that they couldn�t see it, thus he tossed the cloths (clothes) back into the stream and gave them a hearty kick with a foot. "Oh, the idiot!" He fumed and as the entire Fellowship tried to keep straight faces, their bush-clad elf headed up a mountain trail and waved at them to follow.
"Well, come on!" Legolas tapped a foot, "I�m waiting!"
"What�s your big rush?" Gimli snarled, "Not as though we were going to Moria!"
"Well, we can come back for that later." The elf snorted and led the way up the side of the mountain, his bush swaying in the wind.
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Gollum stared at the nine walkers, and especially long and hard at the one clad in a bush. Very original. Looking around at the now deserted camp, Gollum came across a long piece of dental floss. Very similar to elven rope. Light and strong. Thus, he uprooted the nearest bush he could find and tied that about him. Now he was fashionable too!
Before he could congratulate himself though, Gollum began to itch. He looked down at his legs and began scratching madly. He looked at the bush. The pattern of the leaves seemed familiar. Oh no! Gollum ripped the darn bush off him and jumped into the stream where the cool water soothed his aching and itching limbs. He looked around, and found that they were all around. Poison oak bushes. Shiver, shiver.
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"Hey. Stop." Legolas raised a hand to halt the Fellowship who were halfway up the mountain, "I feel a slight itch."
"That�s because you�re wearing a bush. And the little branches tickle." Gimli offered.
"Of course, Gimli, son of Gloin!" The elf sighed and resumed his journey, "You are filled with such splendid tid bits of science!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a long walking day, Aragorn sighed and came across a large, but slow stream which originated in the mountains. Thinking to stop and rest his weary feet, he plopped down on a rock and propped his legs up, and in the same motion, managed to collect some water in a cupped hand and brought it to his mouth. Aragorn, son of Arathorn was no stranger to the wilds. He knew to sniff his water before drinking it! And thus, he did. And instead of the clear freshness of mountain water, his nostrils were bombarded with the reeking stench of artificial lavenders.
"Pee you!" Aragorn screamed, and fell off his rock and fortunately onto a soft patch of grass. He looked about the stream as though for a source of this smell. And in explanation, a glass bottle with a purple label and no cork bobbed by, followed by a pile of sodden cloths. "What the heck?" But Aragorn, son of Arathorn, thought that following his friends was much more important as their very lives could be in danger from the impostor! Aragorn shivered, picked up his sword, and resumed his walk westwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey! Stop!" The elf held up his hand again, "I�m really starting to itch!"
"Well, maybe try using a different soap." Sirius suggested, "Maybe you�re allergic to it."
"REE Purple Lavender Bubble Bath?" Legolas rolled his eyes, "As if. It�s this stupid bush kilt!"
"But it�s the highlight of all fashionable catwalks all across the elven world!" Gimli warmed up to his role, "You have to wear it, Legolas!"
"You are very correct!" The elf snorted, and began his walk again, "This is a very fashionable bush kilt!" He paused before continuing up the mountain, "But man does it itch like crazy!"
"Well, castaways probably itch like crazy too." Frodo added, "Because they can�t bathe and stuff."
"Quite correct, Master Frodo!" Sam offered, "It is a very nice kilt!"
"I know it is." Legolas drew in a deep breath, "Now why do I feel like pulling out bagpipes and singing Amazing Grace?"
"No!" Sirius moaned, "It�s not that kind of kilt!"
"If you start singing, elf," Gimli warned, "I�ll have you kilt!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pollution? Here? In Middle Earth?! Adhara stared at the polluted mountain stream in disgust. Lavender bubble bath. A glass bottle. And cloths. How disgusting. She hiked up her robes, and waded into the stream, grabbing all three offending materials and stuffed them into a large black plastic garbage bag she carried with her as part of the Clean Up Britain government program.
How could Aragorn live in such a polluted area? She sighed to herself, and looked around for a garbage can. Exactly. That�s why there was pollution. No garbage receptacles. She grabbed another plastic bag out of her pocket, but this wasn�t a garbage bag. It contained a genuine British inflatable garbage can. Adhara took a deep breath and began blowing into it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gollum stared at the large purple thing suddenly in the middle of what was a clear field. He had followed the mountain stream into this field and had passed a man with a sword, a lady with strange robes, and now, he saw a purple thing.
The purple thing itself was quite pretty. The light shone through its translucent sides and he could see a large sticker on the side of it. Within was a black tough kind of bag with what seemed to be a glass bottle, and cloths in it. Gollum stared at the purple thing some more. In the Common Tongue on the side of the purple thing, it read Clean Up Britain! And on the other side, Vote Tony Blair.
Gollum scratched his head in confusion. What was the purple thing trying to tell him? Maybe it was good to eat. He scrambled onto it, and bit down. Suddenly, a snake-like sound issued from it, and Gollum jumped backwards. Fortunately, the purple thing did not prove to be a threat, but simply fell to the ground in a deep sleep. How stupid. Gollum picked up the purple thing and tossed it into the stream. What a piece of trash.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Halt!" Legolas turned and gave the Fellowship a panicked look, quickly sizing them all up, "Look, this kilt is really itchy."
"Maybe next time, Master Elf," Gimli quipped, "You should not have made kilt out of poison oak bush!"
"A poison oak bush? A poison oak bush?" The elf yelped, "AKK!"
"Fashion and beauty can hurt," The dwarf sighed, "It �tis but a small price to pay!"
"Oh you can just can it!" Legolas screamed and looked over the dwarf, "I�m glad that the rest of you travel with extra clothing!"
"What�s that supposed to mean?" Merry asked, scratching his head, "Glad that the rest of us?"
"It�s quite simple." Legolas placed his hands on his hips, "It means that if you are a friend, you speak the magic words and the rest of the Fellowship will give you clothing."
"Oh, why would we?" A certain dwarf snorted, "We don�t have to give you anything!"
"Well," Adopting a very stern look, a certain elf jabbed a long finger into a certain dwarf�s chest, "Would you rather travel with a very itchy and nude elf?"
"If you cut it that clear . . ." Gimli gulped. "It doesn�t seem like we can do much."
Ever the diplomat, Gandalf looked around and declared, "Let�s hold a Council!"
"A problem of inappropriate dress?" Sirius looked up, "The Fellowship has a dress code? Uniforms?"
"You are all bound to the same fate! This one doom!" Legolas hollered, "You have but one choice! HAND OVER SOME CLOTHING!"
Frodo tossed the elf his mushroom sweater with a sigh. He had liked the bush more. It was so Shire like. Maybe when he got home after all this ring business, he could start a little shop or a boutique of natural clothing choices. The hobbit sighed.
Sam nudged him. "Dream on, Master Frodo."
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Gollum sniffed the air experimentally, trying to figure out where his Precious was. It had a very distinctive metallic smell, similar to that of 24-karat gold. Gollum could never quite figure out why. He tilted his head and plugged a gigantic whiff of air down his nose, and coughed lightly. Those darn lavenders were still in the air. But towards the west the Ring was traveling. Whom with? An eagle? Or maybe . . . maybe that group of nine with the strange one clad in a bush. Perhaps that would be it! Why else would they be heading west? Gollum licked his lips happily, turned around, and headed westward once more, quickly passing the lady in strange robes and the man with the sword.
Once he reached the nine, however, he kept back in the shadows. Gollum�s head still hurt from the thing that the screaming creature had lobbed at him. That was not very polite. Maybe he should tell the creature so. At this time of night, the creature was stretched out on what seemed to be a funny animal on metal stilts, and another of his companions was doing funny things to the screaming creature�s feet. Nothing around the screaming creature looked like it could be thrown. All of the other companions were gathered about a fire, almost all asleep, except for the wizard who was blowing pink smoke rings.
Finally, the screaming creature had finished with the funny feet thing and the one who was giving the feet thing had fallen asleep. It was the perfect time to strike. Gollum crept silently up to the screaming thing, and looked down into its sleeping face. The screaming thing was dressed funny, but at least he didn�t have a bush any more. But how to wake him? The screaming thing was now snoring loudly, and Gollum was torn between smashing his nose in or simply spewing on him. For some reason, none were really appealing. Instead, Gollum stuck a finger into his mouth and slowly moved the cold finger to hover over the nose of the screaming creature.
The moment the wet, slimy, but slightly glowing finger touched the nose, Gollum hissed, "Gollum phone home!"
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"ARAGORN!" Legolas screamed in a panic as his eyes whipped open and he found he was staring at this gray wrinkly thing that was not an old sock, and something had touched his nose! The elf screamed so loudly, the thing withdrew its finger and quickly, but silently, ran back into the woods. "SOMETHING IS TRYING TO EAT ME!"
"What�s going on?" Sirius rubbed the sleep from his eyes and saw the elf sitting bolt upright on his camp bed, "I gave you the massage! Now GIVE ME SOME PEACE!"
"Aragorn!" The elf gasped, "You wouldn�t believe this! There was this thing staring at me, and it touched my nose and said something about phoning home! IT WANTED TO EAT ME!"
"We should have let it." Gimli groaned, rolled over, and fell back asleep.
"Go to sleep, Legolas." Gandalf moaned, "I was on watch. I didn�t see anything."
"There was this little kind of thing . . ." Legolas paused and gave mean looks to the hobbits, "First you spy on me when I bathe, now you want to eat me?"
"Maybe it didn�t want to eat you." Boromir suggested and followed Gimli�s example, and fell asleep.
"Then what did it want?!" The elf snapped and pulled at his dark green sweater with a gigantic white mushroom on it, "My mushroom sweater?"
"It�s my mushroom sweater!" Frodo piped up, "You�re just renting it from me."
"Hey," Legolas�s eyes narrowed, "Who said anything about rent?"
"I just did." The hobbit snorted, "You owe me a lot of money, elf!"
"HEY!" Legolas roared, "I DO NOT!"
"Oh, shut up." Sam glared, "Master Frodo is always right!" And he waved his fist in a threatening sort of way, "AND YOU ARE WRONG!"
"Okay, okay!" The elf smoothed out the sweater, "I don�t want that thing coming back."
"Well, then, don�t go to sleep." Sirius curled up in his blanket, and soon, the entire Fellowship, save for the wizard was asleep again.
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Adhara decided to keep on walking in the night, as otherwise, she�d never catch up to Aragorn who had a rather large stride. Whistling a little tune to herself to tell everyone she was not afraid, she wandered through the forest, wand in hand, and wondered when would be the next time she see someone. Well, wouldn�t it be ironic if she bumped into that Aragorn, king in exile? Truly King and I.
"Shall we dance?" Adhara began to sing rather loudly, as there was no one to hear how horrible her voice truly was, and as there was no one around to see how horrible a dancer she truly was, she began twirling around, but always walking ahead. Spinning crazily, she suddenly stopped as something stared at her out of the darkness. Adhara paused, returned the look, and the thing scurried.
On the other side of the bush, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, ran his hand over his head of hair and hoped that he would never loose it, much less become the king of Siam. Elrond�s conditions were king of Gondor and Arnor and not Siam. Wherever that was. And he didn�t want fifty-one wives either. Adhara, meanwhile, had resumed dancing and singing, "Shall we dance?"
"NO!" Aragorn hollered, and startled her so much, she almost fell, "What are you doing here?!"
"Looking for you!" She screamed back, and when he gave her a little look, "Then we have failed. You think it�s a good idea for us to separate. Our friendship has failed."
Suddenly feeling so dramatic, Aragorn wondered if he was getting a fever and placed a hand on his forehead (nope, quite normal), "Not if we hold true to each other! Now lets go hunt some ARAGORN!"
"Oh yeah!" Adhara became so excited she placed her hand on her forehead (quite normal), "Wait."
"Yes, I�m Aragorn, but this is a long story," Aragorn shrugged, "And we have a long way ahead of us."
"Yippee." Adhara shook her head, but followed Aragorn eagerly, for she was finally to see Sirius, once again.