"Excuse me?" Aragorn called down the hall to the guard who was on duty, "We have a problem."
"You have a problem." The guard corrected gruffly, "What is it?"
"There are orcs around here." Aragorn answered, "You know, big slimy people?"
"The only one who is big and slimy around here is you." Sniffling, the guard narrowed his eyes, "When is the last time you had a shower?"
"Yesterday!" Aragorn sniffled, "But there are orcs!"
"No there aren�t. There are no such things as orcs." Through the bars of the little holding cell which Aragorn was in, the guard looked in skeptically, "Now I think you are under the influence of narcotics."
"My elven blade is blue though!" Aragorn tried desperately, "There are orcs!"
"Yes, and I am the President of the United States." The guard stuck out his tongue and walked back to his station.
Aragorn paced the cell nervously, biting at his fingernails and wondered if the guard was right. But of course he was. There were no such things as orcs in this world. But then again, his blade was blue. Blue? Why blue? There had to be orcs! Elven blades did not lie! Elves did not tell the truth nor lie, but they did tell you something!
"Excuse me?" Aragorn tried again, and the guard looked angry, "I really think there are orcs."
"Well, I really think there aren�t any." The guard rolled his eyes, "Now if you will kindly shut up, there are no such things as �"
With a BAAM! the far door of the gaol flew off its hinges and into the concrete building, the least likely creature Aragorn could imagine burst into the room, screaming, "My Precious! Where is my Precious?" Gollum! He gulped. There was more to come. Behind the little ex-hobbit-like creature, came an army worthy of Mordor, quite a large number of orcs . . . The guard behind the counter was screaming and firing his pistol at the orcs which suddenly had taken control of the entire prison, swarming all over the place . . .
"Prison riot!" Someone down the hall called and Aragorn rubbed his temples. "What the heck are THOSE?"
"They are orcs." Aragorn felt like answering, and suddenly, all the orcs turned and stared at him.
"HEIR OF ISILDUR!" They all screamed and as a gigantic wave of slimy beings, turned and walked towards his cell, "VERY STINKY HEIR OF ISILDUR!"
"Hey!" Aragorn shouted, "I took a shower yesterday!"
And all too suddenly, he found himself facing what seemed to be all the orcs from Mordor with little more than a rather small elven blade. He drew this as one of the orcs tossed aside the barred door as though it was toothpicks. A split second before the distance between himself and the first orc was closed, he marveled at what he thought. A simple elven blade in hand, a million and two orcs before him . . . and not even a light fluttering of fear had crossed his heart. Instead, there was hope. There was a chance he could get back to Middle Earth.
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"Um, what�s all this?" Boromir tapped a well packed cardboard box labeled ominously as Very Important. Sirius shrugged and turned back to loading their meager supplies onto Sam�s pony, Billy, which he had ordered through eBay from Bree. It wasn�t as though they had decided to travel light, they didn�t have a choice. Mordor was quite far away and in order to get to the Cracks of Mount Doom, they would actually have to hoof the trip for after what happened to the elven horses they snitched last time, Elrond refused to let them take the ones they had ordered and kept them as replacement for the ones that had been used as bowling balls.
Boromir was still staring at the cardboard box in confusion. Beside the object in question, there wasn�t much for loading onto the pony, simple and basic supplies, aside from the large canister of shield wax labeled �Property of Gondor� and the large sack of mushrooms bearing a tag reading �No Hobbits Allowed.� Sirius was almost done strapping the large barrel of apples onto the pony and Boromir looked about for the next article to place on the pony who was giving them a really strange look.
The rest of the Fellowship, Legolas had herded off to the West Rivendell Mall early that morning, insisting that they required some new clothing. Sirius and Boromir had politely declined and the elf promised to pick out something for them from the new REE store that had opened. Sirius and Boromir then less politely declined, on the grounds that they were not elves. Legolas had calmly noted that he had noticed.
Most of the luggage was in color-coded bundles. Gandalf was the gray, Gimli was the off-white, Frodo was the dark green, Sam was the forest green, Merry was the French green and Pippin was the lime green. Boromir, on the other hand, had totally stayed away from the green and gone with a dark blue, but now, he kicked at Sirius�s black bundle and looked suspiciously around. There was no bundle for the elf. Just his bow and quiver were set carelessly on top of the cardboard box. That was odd. And Boromir had suspected that the elf would have the most crap-a-munga they would have to haul.
"Hey, have you seen Legolas�s stuff?" Boromir picked up the rest of the bundles and handed them to Sirius, "I can�t see any of it!"
"Hmm," Sirius returned and looked over Boromir�s shoulder, "Look at that cardboard box. Maybe Elrond bought a refrigerator big enough to feed Rivendell or something! Just look at the size of it!" And so, Boromir turned around and looked at the box.
"Oh, I�ve noticed that before. Just not the size of it." The man was totally shaded in the box�s shadow and Boromir frowned, for the box was as big as a large straw hut. "Now what do you think it is doing here?"
"Waiting for garbage pick up?" Sirius suggested, and Boromir shrugged. "Could you get me the rest of the stuff?"
"There�s not much more." Boromir looked at the box again, "Just Legolas�s bow, quiver and arrows are at the top of the box. You don�t suppose he�s waiting to send them to the garbage truck, eh?"
"No. He said he�s taking them with him." Sirius muttered, and tied on the last bundle, patting Bill for being such a patient and hardy pony, "You don�t suppose it�s just a coincidence that there�s this colossal cardboard box, do you?"
"It�s rather large." Boromir repeated once again, "Rather."
Lord Elrond, who had just walked out onto the balcony of the highest room in the tallest tower of Rivendell waved to the Fellowship. Actually, he didn�t. Not exactly. He found himself waving at a large sheet of cardboard. What the heck? Why was there some large honking cardboard box in his yard? And worse of all, it seemed to be on top of his goldfish pond! Arg. And it was about the size of a . . . HOLY CABOOSES! It was the largest cardboard box he had ever seen! Larger than a straw hut! A whole entire stone HOUSE! And square too! What the heck was in there? The box, for Pete�s sakes, was dwarfing the entire city of Rivendell! The attack of the GIGANTIC CARDBOARD BOX!
"What the heck?" Elrond climbed onto the large cardboard box, crossed it and looked down to see Boromir and Sirius staring up at him, "Why is there this BOX in my YARD?" He had to yell, for he was quite a ways up (three stories, by the looks of it), "GET IT OUT OF HERE!"
"It�s not ours!" Boromir and Sirius replied, and they too had to yell, "Hey, while you�re up there, could you toss us the bow and arrows?"
"Oh. Sure." Elrond shrugged, and made his way over to the corner to which they pointed. Elrond stared. Eww. Mirkwood products. He shivered slightly, and not wanting to touch them, he prodded the bow gently with the tip of his boot and it fell over the edge. Next, he prodded the quiver gently as well, and there was a muffled oof as Boromir caught it. "Did you get them?"
"YES!" Sirius hollered back, "Hey, is there anything in this box? If we figure out what is in it we may be able to deduce why there is a box as big as Safeway around here!"
"Sure," Elrond shook his head and pulled out his elven blade. The sharp edge made short work of the well-stuck packing tape and he ripped this stuff off, and climbed inside the box.
The first smell that struck him was not of garbage, or something he would have comprehended, such as a large pile of used parchment. But instead, it was tissue paper. He pushed this all aside to let in some more sunlight and made his way through the large box, glad that he was standing on something solid. The sunlight filtering through colored tissue paper made everything seem purple and the synthetic smell of lavenders hit him. Arg. What a smell. What a stink. He looked around, and as all he could see was darkness, he ripped the paper at his feet and found himself staring at bottles. Bottles of what? He grabbed one and quickly clambered out of the box. Running back onto his balcony, he joined Sirius and Boromir in the courtyard, a little breathless, and handed over the bottle.
In the sunlight, the bottle�s contents gleamed purple. The label was one Sirius could not read, but he unscrewed the cap and sniffed at the contents. Lavenders. What the heck was this gel-like substance? Boromir dipped a finger into it and stuffed the finger into his mouth. He stuck out his tongue and shook his head afterwards. So it wasn�t for eating. Elrond snatched the bottle and read the label. A look of utter disgust and disdain flooded across it, and he turned green.
"What is it?" Sirius asked, taking the bottle back, "Is it poison?" Boromir turned green.
"No!" Elrond squeaked softly, and pointed to the wispy words of elven streaked across the purple label in silver letters, "It�s lavender bubble bath!"
"Now what do you suppose all this lavender bubble bath is doing here?" Boromir tilted his head slightly in thought, "There has to be enough in here to wash all of Middle Earth�s elves a million times!" He paused as the words floated out of his mouth, "And we all know who washes themselves that frequently . . ."
"You don�t mean . . ." Sirius�s jaw dropped and he pointed to the cardboard box, "That is supposed to go on the pony do you?" Billy�s eyes bulged so much, Elrond was afraid that they would drop out and the Fellowship would have a blind pony.
"I told you I couldn�t find the elf�s stuff!" Boromir roared, and kicked the large box angrily, "A box of bubble bath? He wants us to cart bubble bath to Mordor?!"
"NO POSSIBLE HOT DIGGITY DOG WAY!" Sirius screamed at the top of his lungs, "This can not be happening!"
"It is labeled very important." Elrond muttered helpfully, "I�m just glad to get him out of here. You couldn�t possibly lose him on purpose in the Mines of Moria, now could you?"
"Very important?" Boromir coughed, "Where is that elf? He�ll get a piece of my mind! A box as big as the White Tower!"
"Maybe if we told him we forgot." Sirius blubbered, "We grab Bill and lead him out to the front of Rivendell and usher them all on the way to Mordor! And maybe the elf will forget!"
"It may be hard to forget something this large," Boromir rolled his eyes, "And the gate won�t work. You can see this honking thing from Minas Tirith, and that�s for a man, not an elf!"
"Oh, how are we going to ditch it?" Sirius bit at his nails nervously, "I�m going to have a mental breakdown if we have to haul that!"
"I�ve got an idea!" Elrond suddenly screamed, "Look, Legolas isn�t going to be back for a few hours right? What if we use it all up? Hold a Wash-Rivendell-a-thon!"
"No, that won�t work." Boromir began to pace, "There�s too much for that and Legolas would kill us all!"
"Maybe if . . ." Sirius reached for his wand and a shrinking spell, but changed his mind. "Um . . ."
"Aragorn!" Boromir pleaded, "You have to think of something!"
"I�m thinking!" Sirius protested, "I�m thinking! Give me some time!"
"It�s too late!" Elrond suddenly screamed and with a small squeak, ran off in the opposite direction, leaving Sirius and Boromir staring at the large cardboard box.
"Too late?" Boromir echoed, scratching his head in confusion, "What do you mean, it is too late?"
"Look!" Sirius grabbed his arm and motioned towards their companions who were rapidly approaching, and all seven of them were swinging large bulging shopping bags labeled in elegant script, the words Royal Elven Exchange. "You�re back!"
"Yay! It was so fun!" Frodo hugged a large bag to him, "You�ll never guess what I found! A green sweater with a mushroom on it!" And all the hobbits hugged his legs and told him that they had all found different colored sweaters with their favorite food on them. Sirius tried to shake them off, but they were so bursting with happiness, they didn�t really care that he was struggling, "And you wouldn�t believe the other stuff we found there!"
"I told you REE was an interesting experience." Legolas brandished two shopping bags and handed them to Sirius and Boromir, "I promised I�d pick out something for you!"
Sirius was about to voice that a rubber chicken wasn�t going to do him any good, and Boromir was about to say that buying him a nice book on the advantages of elven-hair bowstrings wasn�t going do him any good when Gandalf and Gimli strode into view, and they both stared at the large cardboard box, with Gimli calling, "Crap-a-munga! You probably couldn�t find anything like that in all of Moria!"
"Of course you can�t!" Legolas stuck his nose into the air, "You couldn�t find another box like that in all of Middle Earth!"
Before the elf could ask why his gigantic crate of bubble bath was not loaded yet, Sirius quickly announced, "So, let�s get an early start and hit the road, eh?"
"Hmm. You�ve loaded everything." The elf didn�t ask. He meant it as a point. And Legolas stared daggers at Sirius and Boromir, "What about my stuff?"
"Legolas, your stuff?" Boromir made a big show by going through the bundles on Billy, "Oh, man, it�s in here some where, I remember packing some bundle that had to be yours . . ."
"I don�t have a bundle," The elf shuttered, and waved an elegant hand at the large cardboard box behind him, "You are a bad liar, son of Denethur! If you have loaded my stuff, then pray tell me, what is it doing here?"
"Look, Legolas," Sirius cried, exasperated, "There is no possible way we can get that cardboard box to Mordor in one piece!"
"Why not?" The elf asked, "It�s corrugated cardboard!"
"Yes, yes, I�m sure it is!" Boromir nodded, and rapidly began clicking through excuses in his mind, "You see, I can�t lift it." Sirius nodded quickly in agreement, "Yes, we can�t lift it so we can�t get it on the pony! So that means we can�t take it." Sensing the dilemma at hand, all eight members of the Fellowship nodded their little heads.
"Oh you little wussies." Legolas screamed, and waved his arms, clearing the path to poor little Billy, "Move out of the way!" And he quickly strode back to the box the size of Rivendell and quite elegantly, without having to stoop, the elf picked it up in his hands as easily as though a little hobbit, and began carrying it, quite easily, towards the pony. "Hold Billy still!"
"NOOO!" Sam screamed, "You�re going to squish him!"
"No I�m not!" Legolas snapped irritably, "Ponies are stout. They aren�t weak. Like men." He gave Sirius and Boromir a dirty look, "There really is no strength left in the race of men! Maybe you guys should all go home and leave this mission to the pretty elves."
"You wouldn�t last a day without us, Legi." Boromir snarled, "So shut up."
"Are you holding Billy?" The elf�s head peeked about the side of the box to scout the location of the pony, "Now how to you want me to put this on? The back or the sides?"
"Legolas!" Sirius screamed, and threw himself in front of Billy, "Look, your stupid box is the size of an apartment block, for Pete�s sakes! How do you think a little pony can carry all that?"
"If I can, he can." The elf huffed, "Now get out of my way!"
"I�m warning you, the humane society will be after us!" Sirius was becoming very desperate, "Well, if you can carry it, why don�t you carry it to Mordor?"
"None of you have to carry your own stuff," Legolas snarled, "Why do I, the elven prince of Mirkwood, have to then?"
"Because no one has as much stuff as you do!" Gandalf pointed out the obvious, "If you drop that box, you are going to squish the pony!"
"No one is squishing Billy while I�m around!" Sam screamed and balled his hands into fists, "I�ll fight you!"
"Why do you have to be so difficult?" Legolas snarled bitterly, "Just get out of the way! I would carry it but the container is so not aerodynamic and will ruin my appearance!"
"Does Billy look aerodynamic to you?" Frodo pointed at the pony who looked ready to faint, "Look at the poor little beast! It looks ready to flop!"
"I told you hobbit ponies were pieces of crap!" The elf rolled his eyes, "Why couldn�t you get a good pony, but no you had to go to the �experienced pony� lot to get one. Arg."
"He�s from eBay!" Pippin protested, "Not the Experienced Pony lot!"
"Move!" With a swipe of the box, Sirius got knocked aside, and Billy�s eyes grew wider than Elrond�s goldfish pond as the elf prepared to deposit the box, and surely squish the pony alive. Everyone was so shocked that their dear, quite pretty, companion would even do such a thing, they were frozen in time. All except Gandalf who pushed the elf�s box until the elf stumbled and the wizard placed himself between the box and the pony, brandishing his wand. Legolas peeked about the side again, "Now what do you want?"
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The wizard screamed, the end of his staff glowing bright purple, and Legolas stared in confusion, "GO BACK TO THE SHADOW!"
With a brilliant flash of light, the elf found himself holding, quite frankly, nothing. Everyone blinked a few times to get rid of the afterflash, and Legolas burst into tears when he saw the gigantic pile of ashes before him, the only remnants of his gigantic box. "What happened to my REE products?"
"Um," Gandalf shook his staff angrily, "I meant to send it back to the shadow, but now it seems to be wreathed in flame." The wizard paused. "Shadow and flame. Maybe I sent it to the balrog by mistake."
"Now what is a balrog going to do with my REE products?" Legolas covered his face as he wept, "It should shop at the RBE!"
"The Royal Balrog Exchange?" Sirius groaned, but the entire Fellowship quickly felt sorry for the elf and told him that they were sorry. Actually, they were sorry for reducing him to a state of tears, but they were not sorry for banishing all his cosmetics. But then again, Billy was not sorry for neither. How would sorry for banishing all his cosmetics. But then again, Billy was not sorry for neither. How would YOU like it if you had to cart a big carton to Mordor?
"I�m DOOMED!" The elf whispered, and sank to his knees, his shoulder heaved as he wept, "I am doomed!"
"Doomed, why?" Frodo asked softly, resting a comforting hand on the elf�s shoulder, "I have some soap if you needed it."
"Thanks, but," Legolas sniffled, "I�ll miss my bubbly bath most of all!"
Boromir suddenly remembered the bottle he had in his hands and shoved it towards the elf, "Look what I found!"
"Oh, Boromir!" The elf jumped up, all tears forgotten, and beamed, "My bubble bath! Perhaps I�m not doomed after all!" He gave the son of Denethur a big hug, "Just wait two seconds. I have to grab my eyelash curler and a few hair care products. And then we can go!" Before anyone could marvel at their luck (the elf was talking sense and they would not be seen with a totally non-aerodynamic cardboard box the size of Rivendell), Billy most of all, the elf was back, his arms full of various spray bottles and brushes, a large bag slung over his shoulder. "Ready or not Mordor! Here we come!"
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"Ready or not, Mordor, here I come!" Aragorn muttered under his breath as the orcs streamed into his little cell, "Hey! Hey you!" He suddenly hollered and all the orcs looked at him as though he were crazy, "Um, do you take live prisoners?" The orcs glared at him and Aragorn hoped that they would take him back to Middle Earth. He�d think of some way to escape later.
"HEIR OF ISILDUR!" One of the orcs screamed and they all nodded. Aragorn wasn�t sure if this was a good thing, or if it was totally not a good thing. "SMELLY!"
"Yes, yes, yes, you stink too. You shouldn�t be talking." Aragorn tried soothingly, "Now take me back to Sauron or Saurman or whomever sent you!"
"HEIR OF ISILDUR!" The orc called again, and with far too much ease, he simply grabbed Aragorn about the middle and swung him over a shoulder.
"This is definitely undignified." Aragorn, son of Arathorn rolled his eyes, but thought that getting a free ride back to Middle Earth was a great idea. Maybe Sauron had thought of some way to get orcs here, so if they reversed that . . . then he could get back to Middle Earth! Most likely Saurman, though, as it was Gandalf who sent him here . . . The orc swung Aragorn around and quickly walked out of the cell, brandishing his trophy and all the other orcs bunched around them. Aragorn tapped the orc on the shoulder, "You won�t mention this to anyone back home, now will you?"
"HEIR OF ISILDUR!" The orc roared, and Aragorn winced as his ears exploded with pain, "HEIR OF ISILDUR!"
"Ooh, who has a limited vocabulary?" Aragorn muttered as the orc swept him down a concrete hallway, and out into the sunlight of the main reception hall. Unfortunately, there, he happened to look around. Fortunately, he did some people he seemed to recognize. Unfortunately, what they saw was Aragorn, son of Arathorn being toted on an orc�s back, quite undignifiedly placed upside down like a sack of flour.
"Aragorn!" Adhara screamed, "What are you doing?" She had found out about Aragorn�s predicament and had hurried to the gaol to see if she could free him, "And what are those?!"
"Those are orcs." Aragorn answered, and all he saw was the entire room upside down, "I am being taken back to Middle Earth! Be happy for me!" He tried to grin, but it didn�t work, and she was nearly in hysterics, "I couldn�t get onto the platform and Bobbies brought me here! And they put these shiny bracelets on my wrists and I got to spend time in a little concrete room!"
"Arg! The police cuffed you and are treating you like a criminal Aragorn! The little concrete room was a jail!" Adhara quickly explained, "Why didn�t you beat them up or something?"
"Well . . . I thought they were going to take me to Platform 9 �!" Aragorn shrugged, and Adhara screamed something after him, but it was lost as the orc was swept outside by a good dozen of its compatriots. Aragorn tapped the shoulder of the orc which was carrying him, "You know, that was rude. I was in the middle of a conversation and you dragged me away!"
"HEIR OF ISILDUR TALK TOO MUCH!" The orc shook him up a little and Aragorn felt ready to toss his cookies, but didn�t think the orc would want barf down his back, "SHUT UP!"
"Well, I am a talkative little fellow." Aragorn sighed, "Where are you taking me?"
"STINKY! NO STINK!" The orc roared, and Aragorn shook his head. "TAKE TO LAKE AND DROWN!"
"Um," Aragorn saw an obvious loophole in his plan, "Could you take me to a lake in Middle Earth?" The flood of orc�s stench was now too much and the Heir of Isildur saw a violent need to puke. "Could I have a kidney pan?" As orcs had obviously not heard of a kidney pan, Aragorn went ahead and did it all the same and stared at his orc buddy. Not that you could tell which was puke and what was just normally on the orc. Eww. Aragorn shuttered and tossed his cookies again.
"EWW! STINK!" An orc pointed to Aragorn, "HEIR OF ISILDUR!"
"Yes, I know I am the heir of Isildur," Aragorn pointed out the obvious and managed to get his skin of water, "You wouldn�t mind if I had a drink, now would you?" The orc stared as Aragorn (who had had practice with this), took a long drink from the skin, although he was hanging upside down. "It�s peristaltic waves. You�ll learn about it in biology."
As the entire flood of orcs stormed across the country as though a herd of elephants, seemingly knowing where they were going, a small, slimy hobbit-like creature crept up to Aragorn, behind the orc which was toting him, and whispered greedily, "You stoles my precious . . ."
"Your precious?" Aragorn asked, "I didn�t steal anything."
"It came to me on my birthday!" The creature, Gollum continued, "You give back precious!"
"Oh, you�re Gollum, aren�t you." Aragorn frowned, "Your precious? The One Ring? That�s going to Mordor. I heard that it�s going to be destroyed."
"Stolen! You stoles my precious!" Gollum threw such a hissy-fit, Aragorn glared at him, "Give back my precious!"
"It�s not mine to give." Aragorn sighed, and thought it was going to be a long trek to Middle Earth. Might as well take a nap. "Excuse me, I would like to take a nap."
"Precious!" Gollum screamed, almost as though possessed, "Precious!"
"Yes, I know you are upset. Maybe you should seek therapy." The creature didn�t seem to want to go away, and Aragorn�s stomach was churning again. "I think you should step back. I feel some spew coming."
"Spew! My PRECIOUS!" Gollum half sobbed, "My PREC � " The creature never finished as he was rather rudely interrupted by a gigantic stinking wave of pressurized vomit spraying in his face. Gollum soon recovered, "Precious . . . yuck!"
"When a man�s gotta go, he�s gotta go." Aragorn rolled his eyes as he reached for his water again, but instead, he looked about and saw that the orc carrying him was quite close to the rear, and something about this misty place they had just entered seemed rather familiar, and he felt for the elven blade instead. Gollum gave him a strange look.
"Speaking of going," Aragorn grinned, "I must be doing so myself." Before either creature nor orc could process that thought, Aragorn, son of Arathorn had made short work of the dozen or so orcs. Never underestimate the power of Aragorn, son of Arathorn and an elven blade he received on his 10th birthday from Lord Elrond. As Gollum finally thought to blink and turn around, he was surrounded by (and covered with) a big bloody mess and the man was already so far away into the mists, he was already almost out of sight.
"Precious?" Gollum sniffled, wiping away a tear, "He got my precious!"
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