"What�s going on?!" Suddenly, Pippin was grabbed out of the water and splattered onto a barrel, "What�s all this?"
"I�m a HOBBIT!" Pippin sputtered as a gigantic head appeared in the spot he thought was the sky. He whimpered. "Please don�t eat me!"
"Hmm." The gigantic creature roared, "I�ll have to think about it." The hobbit shuddered. "I�ll tell you what, if I don�t eat you, will you polish my shield?"
"Shield?" Pippin moaned, and closed his eyes, "Oh no. Is this Boromir?"
"How did you know?" Boromir frowned, and shoved the hobbit into a sitting position, "What are you doing? And why do you have a bow in your pocket?"
"Where else would I put it?" The little hobbit asked, "You must save Merry! Galadrial has him!"
"The scary lady who does the EYE thing?" The man mimicked the Elven Queen, and his eyes nearly popped out, "And I heard she turns green."
"As green as lime Jell-O!" Pippin whimpered, "Oh please, you must save him!"
"Must get a fire extinguisher. And radioactive suits." Boromir paused in thought, "And young Took, I know exactly one place and one price where I can get them." The little hobbit looked up eagerly. "Lindir of Lorien."
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"Oh where oh where has my Haldir gone? Oh where oh where can he be? With his hair cut long and his temper cut short, oh where oh where is he?" Lindir mournfully sang for the millionth time as he checked inside his umbrella. It seemed that his twin had indeed disappeared from the face of this earth. If only they had agreed to both stay in fair Lothlorien or had decided to venture with the Fellowship onwards! Separation was such folly!
"Hey, Lindir." The elf turned to find a little figure standing in the shadows of a Mallorn, a black ski mask on his face and a wrapped paper parcel in his hand, "Look what I have."
"I am busy!" Lindir snapped quickly and motioned to his umbrella, "You see that, young man?"
"Yes, yes," The little guy seemed to laugh, "There is a quicker way of getting Haldir back."
"Oh yeah?" Hands on his hips, Lindir stared. He wasn�t that stupid. "Let�s see it, then."
"It is a map." Sure enough, the parcel unwrapped to be a very crudely drawn map. A red x marked the spot where Boromir had seen Aragorn and Haldir both watching Legolas strung up in a tree on the man�s trip down the river. "You can have this in exchange for two Grade A fire extinguishers and two nuclear suits. One little and one very big."
Lindir thought this over very long and hard. He and Haldir had secret stashes of extinguishers and nuclear suits up in their flets in case Galadrial ever had a meltdown. This may be a good deal. The elf frowned and studied the little hobbit from curly foot hair to curly top hair. "Fine." He took the map. "It�s drawn with crayon."
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"Master Frodo? Why did we leave the big speed boat with Beach Boys?" Sam asked cautiously as he peeked up the side of the little weathered gray boat Frodo was untying from the shore. The other hobbit grunted. "Do we have to wear these masks? It�s itchy."
"We wear them so no one knows who we are." Frodo explained stiffly, "So stop using my name."
"Yes, of course, Master Frodo!" The hobbit picked up a large oar and dipped it into the water experimentally, "Where are the life jackets, Master Frodo?"
"I don�t know." Jumping into the boat, Frodo looked around the bottom of it, "Bailing bucket�s got a hole in it."
"Which way are the rest of the Fellowship?" Sam looked around frantically, "Up or downstream?"
"Look," Frodo groaned, picking up an oar himself, "There�s enough room in here for us all to escape from the Elves. It�s a fifty-fifty chance. What do you want to pick?"
"Up." Sam pointed towards the sky, and Frodo shook his head, "Boats don�t fly, Master Frodo?"
"Not that I know of." Frodo managed to maneuver the little boat to the middle of the flowing river, "No, paddle!"
Despite the best efforts of the little hobbit, Sam was working up quite a sweat and wasn�t getting any where! Digging his paddle further into the depths of the river, he began to pull away from the river, although the water was flowing in the direction he was paddling in. Why was it so difficult? Inch by inch, Sam pulled on ahead, as sweat dropped off his brow.
"AHH!" Frodo hollered, "We�re getting pulled in the wrong direction! Pull harder!" Sam did, and inch by inch the boat moved, a labored, intensive battle between himself and what seemed to be the river.
Suddenly, a bunch of light laughter reached his ears, and Sam glanced over on the shore. A few dozen elves had gathered, their light robes fluttering in the breeze. All were staring at him. And smiling. He was doing something right. An inch. Sam pulled even harder, and Frodo breathed heavily beside him. They were getting somewhere. Another inch flew by.
"This isn�t working!" Frodo screamed from behind him, "The elves! Hurry!" Frodo paddled with more intensity.
"I am! I am!" The pulling just got tougher for Sam, but he pulled even harder. He grunted, "Must. Save. Master. Frodo!"
Frodo pulled even harder.
Sam paddled with all his might.
Frodo gritted his teeth and dug in.
Sam�s forehead was crying sweat.
Frodo gave a loud grunt and continued.
Sam gave an even larger effort.
The boat was not moving. Frodo knew that it was useless. Two little hobbits could not possibly out power the might of the river. Fighting back a tear, he hardly could imagine his fate in the hands of the laughing elves. Finally laying down the paddle, heart heavy, the boat was in motion and floated down the river. The hobbit buried his face in his hands, feeling the cold tears slide through them.
"Yes, Master Frodo! It is working!" Sam paddled to his little heart�s content. Finally, they were pulling away from the mean elves and the boat skittered along, powered by the little hobbit�s valiant strokes into the water, "Why are you sniffling, Master Frodo? Do you have a cold?"
"No, Sam. It is not working." Frodo answered slowly, wondering how he was going to break the news to his dear friend, "We are not going where we have been paddling."
"Sure we are!" Sam returned, cheerful as ever, "I was paddling hard this way all the time."
"You were not paddling hard this way all the time!" Frodo sniffled, "It was . . ." The hobbit paused. The tears stopped. He pulled his hands away from his face. "What do you mean, Sam, you were pulling this way all the time?"
"We�re going up stream, right? Well, that�s where I�m of to." Sam kept on paddling, merrily along.
"You were PULLING this WAY all the TIME?!" Frodo hollered, "YOU IDIOT!"
"AHH!" Sam dropped his paddle and cringed at the other�s wrath, "No, Master Frodo, you mustn�t turn me into anything unnatural!"
"I�LL TURN YOU INTO A SPONGE CAKE!" Frodo yelled, "I was working to go up the river THAT way." Frodo pointed upstream, "YOU WERE GOING DOWNSTREAM!"
"It was fifty-fifty." Sam whimpered, "I didn�t know!"
"I won�t turn you into anything unnatural." Frodo slumped down, "Now what are we going to do?" Sam looked relieved, but the other hobbit noticed something, "You�re glowing. Green."
"That�s unnatural!" Sam gasped, and looked down. Sure enough, he was glowing. He looked up in ultimate horror, and there, Frodo also spotted an eerie glow. "We�re both glowing! Is it an evil of the elves?"
"Yes! Look!" Frodo pointed over Sam�s shoulder, and as the two hobbits looked on in shock, their little boat rounded the bend and there, standing on the banks of the river, was the source of the acid green light.
Where once only beauty stood, there now was ultimate horror. The elven queen of the day had now transformed into a looming radioactive beacon of green, eyes bulging in fury, iron fist clamped around the ankle of their dear friend Merry. And she was wearing horn-rimmed glasses, complete with little jewels on the sides. On the shore, amidst the tangle of grasses were two figures in full white radioactive suits, the plastic glowing with reflected light. One of their saviors was little, and curly hair poked out of his hood, while the other�s back of the plastic suit was stretched over a dinner plate shield. In their hands, they grasped gigantic extinguishers, and weren�t afraid to use them.
"NO, YOU . . . !" Galadrial screamed, but it was too late! Pippin and Boromir unleashed all there was in the canisters on the elf before she could finish saying, "CAN�T!" The force of the double blast was too much even for Galadrial to withstand. As the wave of foam collided with her body, the force was enough to toss her through the air and send her spinning into the nearest Mallorn which stopped her flight, collapsing to the ground. Sam clutched onto Frodo with frightened fingers as Galadrial shrunk before their very eyes, the green fading, and fading, from acid to a more natural color, then disappearing all together. Covered in slimy foam, Galadrial knocked out cold was hardly intimidating.
"TIMBER!" Galadrial�s flight had been enough to crack the bole of the gigantic Mallorn and it had been swaying dangerously, letting fall its magnificent leaves. Pippin and Boromir ran for their lives as the tree came crashing down, the shock waves so great Frodo and Sam were nearly washed out of their boat by the wave of water that hit them. From amongst the branches of the once magnificent tree, even before the leaves had settled, the elves who had been living in flets all poured out of their homes and stared to wave their fair fingers in the faces of Pippin and Boromir.
"I have lawyers!" One lady elf, with her hair all in curlers called angrily, "You�ll get it you will!"
But that was not all. The Mallorn trees were not used to falling and had grown very densely. The next Mallorn on that elven street sported a large crack in its bole, which Pippin noticed. Quickly grabbing Boromir and running out of the way, that Mallorn also fell, sending more elves diving off their flets in shock, one landing very close to the boat of Frodo and Sam. As quick as dominoes, all the prime properties of river-side Lothlorien fell to the ground in a gigantic uprising of dust, grass and leaves, shocked elves springing out of the destruction on all sides.
"What�s going on?" Brushing dust, leaves and foam off herself, Galadrial picked herself up, regal elven queen once again, albeit one with blond locks slightly out of place, "Who destroyed all my trees?" Looking down the way, the elf could plum see down to Mirkwood. "Speak!"
"Whoever knocked down the first darn tree." An elf grunted, quickly forming the idea of dominoes in his head (he would later go on to manufacture the game and make a Middle Earth fortune). All the elves nodded in agreement and admired each other�s bathrobes. One had fluffy warg slippers.
"I�m nothing but an elf-lord!" Celeborn suddenly waltzed onto the scene, singing at the top of his lungs, but spotted his wife, "Oh, Dear! I thought you were going to leave me."
"I am." Galadrial replied through gritted teeth, "I�m on my way out."
"Yes, I thought as much." The elven lord frowned, and handed her a paper baggy, "You forgot your heart pills. There are one hundred and thirty seven. I counted them all. I can too count."
"AHHHH!" She screamed, rising to her full height, towering over Celeborn, "What did it take you, all night?! AND STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!"
"I�m not making fun of you Green-ladrial," He hurriedly assured her, but realized his mistake, "Oops. I mean . . ."
"That�s it!" Snatching the little baggy from Celeborn, Galadrial stomped off in the direction of the still standing Mallorns, "I am moving to Rivendell!"
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"Merry! Oh Merry!" Pippin gently shook the fainted hobbit who lay on the grass after being tossed by the elven queen, "Please wake up!"
"I�m up, I�m up," The hobbit leaned up against a fallen Mallorn, "Why are you wearing that thing?"
"It�s a nuclear suit!" Pippin announced proudly, but seeing that Galadrial had faded, took the hood off, "We traded for them with Lindir. He�s off to find Haldir."
"Good, he�ll take Legolas off our hands." Merry grinned, and rubbed his hands together as Frodo and Sam ran up to them, "You two have a boat, I see." They nodded excitedly, having ran quickly through the water, gasping for breath, "You two no longer have a boat, I see." Frodo and Sam looked at each other. Then back at Merry. Merry rolled his eyes, "I�m a Brandybuck. I know current when I see it. Tie up your boat next time." Sure enough, as all four hobbits turned, all they could see was their little silver boat floating down the river, bobbing with the current. "Darn."
"That�s okay, we�ll steal some more." Pippin announced rather loudly and all the elves gasped. "I mean . . . borrow."
"No, the wanderers that are Nine, I shall bestow them upon you!" Celeborn announced generously and Boromir grinned, pulling off his nuclear suit, "And of those gifts . . ." The elven lord pointed specifically to the bow poking out of Pippin�s pocket, "You may keep. I have no need of my wife�s little knick-knacks."
"What was she doing with three men�s belts?" Boromir looked through the gifts, extracting two little silver ones and one longer gold one, "They don�t fit you, do they." It was not a question. "Maybe she liked collecting men�s belts?"
"Perhaps." Celeborn darkened, "Well, off you go then. Lindir will see you off. If I can find the little bugger."
"THE HOBBITS! THE HOBBITS ARE GONE!" Adhara cried, running up the path, and seeing Boromir, quickly ran over to him, "Where are they?" All the elves began to murmur, she turned to them, "Have any of you seen them? They have curly hair on their head! And on their feet! They�re very little and . . ." Pippin tugged on her sleeve and she grabbed him by the shoulders, shoving him forward, "Look like this elfling!"
"Um," Pippin squeaked, and all the elves grinned. "Miss? I�m a hobbit."
"What?" Adhara grabbed his scarf and pulled his face to hers, "Oh yes, I see that now. I�ve found the hobbits."
"More we found you." Pippin choked, "Put me down."
"Of course." She complied and turned to Boromir, "That gold belt looks ridiculous on you."
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