"We should steal this boat." Frodo jumped up and down excitedly in the first boat he saw, a large covered speedboat with enough horsepower the Riders of Rohan would be jealous. As if that were not enough, the GPS system and auto pilot were so advanced, the instruction manual would have been as thick as a telephone book. Sam looked over at the white shiny boat with some apprehension. The hobbit heaved a sigh and pointed at little silver elven rowboats that were attached to the side of the speedboat and scratched his head. Frodo looked at them too. "Lifeboats?"
"Do you know how to run this thing?" Sam hopped on board, and soon became excited as both hobbits giddily thumbed through the instruction manual only to find that it was all in Elven. Darn.
Frodo who knew the most elvish of the two, thumbed to the first page. "To . . . start . . . insert key . . . press . . . red . . . button . . ."
"That�s not hard!" Sam rushed forward, and there on the bridge was a gigantic red button.
"Well, Sam, between there are some words I can�t make out!" Frodo gulped, "And we don�t have a key!"
"I do too!" The little resourceful hobbit grabbed the specs from his face, broke off a leg and jammed it successfully into the little slot for the key. With a slight purr, the boat started. "And now . . . for the button . . ."
"To . . . first . . . start . . . boat . . . remember . . . never to . . . insert key and . . . press . . . red . . . button . . . because . . ." Frodo stammered, but alas, it was too late! A very large hobbit fist became firmly planted into the middle of the big round red button and with a gigantic thrust, the two were nearly thrown off the motor boat as Frodo finished his sentence, just as the instructions blew away in the wind whipping up against them, "Will start rocket boosters." Two of six canisters at the end of the boat erupted into jets of flame.
"Rocket WHAT?" Sam sputtered as the two flew down the river, eating up the water as though they were flying through the air. "Maybe it will stop if I pressed the red button again!"
"Don�t count on it Sam!" Frodo screamed as the boat accelerated yet again as four of the six boosters were ignited, "Not again!"
"Might as well do it once and do it right!" The two hobbits slammed all that they had into the red button and of course, on full speed, they rushed on ahead, just as Frodo noticed something in the distance hanging off the trees. Flets! Oh no! "The elves are going to kill us!"
"If they can catch us." Sam knelt down and dug up what seemed to be a CD from a little drawer, "Now what do you know, Celeborn listens to Beach Boys."
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"What the heck?" Galadrial was in the middle of stringing Pippin and Merry up a tree with nooses when what seemed to be a very loud humming filled the clearing. She turned and saw Celeborn, who stared blankly back at her, "Stop humming!"
"It�s not me!" Celeborn wheezed, "It sounds like it�s coming from the river!"
"You think I wouldn�t know Beach Boys when I heard it? I�ve been listening to it for over 3000 years you twit!" Galadrial growled, "And you�re the only self respecting elf in these parts to listen to Beach Boys! STOP HUMMING!"
"I�m not!" Celeborn opened his mouth and kept it open, "See? You can still hear the humming!"
"Stop throat singing then!" Galadrial frowned, "Or I�ll turn RADIOACTIVE again!"
"No!" Celeborn fell to his knees, "Not RADIOACTIVE!"
"YES!" The sounds of humming could be heard and Galadrial suddenly began to get a greenish tinge, "You offer this opportunity to me freely!" She began to glow, but before the elven queen could continue, Celeborn had returned in a rush of breath bearing a fire extinguisher. Glowing Galadrial gasped, "Not the extinguisher!"
"AHHHH!" Celeborn emptied the white foam onto Galadrial, and as suddenly as radioactivity had started, it was over. Galadrial stared at Celeborn, both covered with foam, lightly blowing in the breeze. "I will diminish into the West. And remain Galadrial." She sniffled, "I need some anti-depressants!" Suddenly, Galadrial looked up to the branches of the Mallorn. Two strings hung.
"What do you see?" Galadrial pointed into the tree and Celeborn looked.
"One . . . Two!" Celeborn counted quickly, "Two ropes!"
"Very good, dear!" Galadrial replied patting his hand again, "What was strung on those ropes?"
"Hobbits!" Celeborn smirked. "One . . . Two!"
"Where are they?" The elven queen frowned, crossed her arms and tapped a foot. "You were supposed to be watching them! You let TWO HOBBITS escape?! How am I going to face the world? Elrond will laugh his little eyes out at me!" Celeborn cringed. "That�s it. I�m leaving you!"
"What?" Celeborn frowned, as Galadrial stormed onto their flet, grabbed the nearest trunk, slung it over her shoulder and strode away from the Mallorn, "Not after 3000 years!"
"Yes!" Galadrial screeched, "I�m sick and tired of you!" Celeborn whimpered. "You wear crummy clothes, you let our prisoners escape, you can�t cook, you don�t like the mirror, you make fun of me when I go radioactive, you make me take blood pressure medications, you SNORE and . . ." She paused for drama. "You can�t even COUNT!" Celeborn collapsed onto the ground, sobbing at the top of his lungs.
"No! I can too! I can too!" Celeborn moaned, "These fair woods would be empty without you! Don�t LEAVE me! You won�t!"
"YES I WILL AND I AM!" Galadrial shook him off and strode towards the river, hopping in her swan motor boat and starting down the river. Suddenly, she turned and Celeborn perked up, hopeful that she would return. Instead, Galadrial screamed, "AND I HATE THE BEACH BOYS!"
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"Merry. Are you there?" Pippin whispered and poked something soft in the darkness. Merry groaned. "Why are we here?"
"Because we�re stuck in a trunk which psycho lady has decided to remove." Merry grumbled, searching around the large trunk, "See if there�s anything in here we can use to escape. We could probably bop psycho lady on the head . . ."
"What about this?" Pippin held up a glass vial, "Looks like some kind of light contraption."
"Oh, keep it. May need it." Merry shoved random objects into his pockets as well as those of Pippin�s. Finally, he grasped a large monkey wrench. "This should work!"
"What is a monkey wrench doing in here?" Pippin asked, his pockets so full, he tied his jacket closed with a belt, but not before wrapping all the other items in some kind of fabric, "There�s plenty of neat stuff in here, but a monkey wrench?"
"Look, I�m going to open the top of this trunk." Merry instructed, "You head for the controls and stop the boat. I am going to tackle psycho lady. Then you come and help me. Understood?" Pippin nodded. "Right."
"Um, Merry?" Pippin asked brightly, "There is one problem. What if Galadrial goes radioactive again?" But Merry did not hear and had pushed the top of the trunk open. The elven queen ripped around and her fingers found hobbit throat.
"AHHH!" Merry screeched as Galadrial swung him about, "AHHHH!"
"AHHH!" Pippin agreed as he ran from the trunk and was so bloated with stolen objects (including a bow) he fell off the boat and into the water with a loud SPLASH!
"You killed that hobbit!" Merry screamed as Galadrial began to glow green, eyes bulging, "Wow!" Unfortunately, the eyes bulged so much that with a tiny *pop* Galadrial had thrown the hobbit away and was on her knees, searching with her hands frantically.
"Where�s my contact lens?!" Galadrial screamed, patting the ground, "I lost one!" Suddenly, she answered her own question. She had one left. With a scream, she grabbed onto Merry�s leg and began shaking him so violently, Merry was afraid that he may pass out from Sudden Hobbit Death Syndrome (SHDS).
As suddenly as she had stopped, Galadrial became glowing green again. Suddenly, wind began sweeping in towards her . . . and the eyes began to BULGE. *Pop!*