There were wargs in these woods. The man fingered Narsil anxiously.
Spiders. Aragorn grasped the hilt of his sword.
Trolls. He licked his lips nervously.
Ravens. A quick scan of the heavens revealed only leaves.
Wolves. Eyes riveted back onto the ground.
Orcs. Aragorn drew Narsil with a surprisingly steady hand.
ELVES. With a shriek of, "AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Aragorn tore off through the woods as though a balrog himself were after him, and the man did not stop running.
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"PRETTY!" Legolas bounded over a fallen log, "PRETTY!" The elf glanced back over his shoulder to find Aragorn missing. Oh well, the man�s loss. "PRETTY!" Suddenly, not spotting a rather large rock in front of him, a very fair REE elven boot caught on the boulder and our very-very-very-very pretty elf tripped and went flying into the coarse grasses of Mirkwood. Legolas quickly sat up, and gave a little HIC. He blinked.
"Ooh." The elf whipped out the little golden brush, and patted at his hair, "What a nightmare!" Thus, he also drew out the little mirror with the little crack in it and set about fixing a spot of frizz when he spotted something in the mirror. Legolas frowned, studying the shadowy thing, "What is that?"
Breathing on the mirror, he quickly wiped it off with his cloak, "Still there." The fair elven eyes peered deeply into the reflection. Sure enough it was big. Black. Bumpy. Hairy. And YOUNG. "AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" Legolas shrieked at the top of his lungs, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" In a sudden burst of violent emotion, the very fair elven prince took the mirror and smashed it against the bole of a tree, "IT CAN NOT BE!"
Taking deep breaths to calm himself, Legolas touched a long finger to his chin, and frowned, "I think I have a wart!" But then, the fingertips felt absolutely nothing, "No, it�s not a wart." The elf scurried over and picked up a shard of mirror and studied the reflection again. Sure enough, big, black, bumpy, hairy, but worst of all . . . YOUNG. Legolas touched his chin again, but it was as smooth and pretty as always. How odd. What was this ugly apparition?
"Ugly thing." Legolas stared into the mirror again, "What are you?" He wrinkled his nose in frustration, then suddenly turned to see IT behind him. BIG. BLACK. BUMPY. HAIRY. YOUNG. And it was carrying a BLADE. The elf turned around, back to his mirror and took a very deep and slow breath, "I can handle this. I can handle this." Legolas only had time for a quick look in the mirror again before he tossed back his head and screeched, "YOU CAN�T KILL ME!"
The thing hissed back, "And why can I not?"
"Because I�m too PRETTY!" Legolas dropped onto the ground, curled up in a fetal position and covered his head with his arms, "Don�t mutate me!"
"I simply want to slice off that little nose of yours." The voice returned, "And those ears."
"NOT MY NOSE!" Legolas shrieked, tears flying everywhere, hands clasped over his pretty little nose, "And not my EARS!" The hands rapidly flew to his ears, "Why are you trying to EAT me?"
"Eat you?" The other laughed, "I will never eat your stinking corpse! I only wish to mutate you as retribution for the suffering I have had to endure!"
"Ooh. Dramatic." Legolas blinked rapidly, "Who are you?"
"If I speak my name, I fear that you will not be able to handle it." The voice snarled, "You will be so scared that you would scream and bite through your lip!"
"Ooh." Legolas moaned, "Not my pretty little lip!"
"YES!" The other yelled, "YOUR PRETTY LITTLE LIP!"
"NOOOO!" Legolas shrieked, "Not me!"
"I shall now speak of my name!" With a triumphant roar, the black and ugly thing screamed at the top of his lungs, "HALDIR OF LORIEN!"
"Haldir?" Legolas peeked through his fingers, "Oh, gosh. And I thought you were Gandalf." Jumping up, the elf straightened out his clothing, and peered at the other, "What happened to you?"
"I was SQUEEZED by a very friendly SPIDER." Haldir coughed, and gestured to the black goop on him, "And it kindly deposited some hair gel for me. A free sample."
"Hair gel!" Legolas giggled and stared at the snapped crown Haldir grasped in his hands. Suddenly, he realized what the other was wearing. Hair gel. And . . . "Is that NOT my pretty little SUIT?"
"Pretty little suit?" Haldir dropped a fake curtsy, "Dress is more like it!"
"It is NOT a DRESS!" Legolas shoved Haldir into a bole of a tree, "Take that back you weenie!"
"Hey!" The elven captain flung Legolas off him, "Watch where you place those hands! This is fine elven specimen here!"
"Fine! You?!" Legolas snarled, "You�re not fine!" He grinned evilly from pointy-ear to pointy-ear, "Why, Haldir of Lorien, you seem to be . . ." The elf paused for drama. "YOUNG."
"YOUNG?!" Haldir growled and sprung onto the other elf, knocking him back against the bole, "If I�m young, that makes you an INFANT!"
"I think NOT!" Legolas gave Haldir a quick upper cut and scampered up the tree, cloak flying. Suddenly, Haldir backed away from the scuffle and held up his hands. "You give up!"
"No." The elven captain cleared his throat, and his hands were clenched in fists, "You may be interested to see what I have here." The long fingers opened to reveal two items. A little golden hairbrush and shards of a shattered mirror.
"NOOOOO!" Legolas spat angrily and clawed at Haldir, but the elven captain took a step backwards and the other elf fell out of the tree with a SPLAT, "Give them back! My Preciouses!"
"You big booger." Haldir stepped away from the elf who was clawing at his boots, "Tell me now, why are you dressed as I, the fairest elven captain of them all?"
"Fairest ELVEN CAPTAIN?!" Legolas spat, "I don�t think so!"
"Did you speak, INFANT Elven prince? SPEAK?" Haldir screeched, "Or was that a fart?"
"If it was a fart," The elven prince kicked out, "Then you would be . . ."
"Dead?" Haldir gasped.
"SMELLING LIKE LAVENDERS!" Legolas screeched, and before Haldir could even yelped, found a very fair elven specimen tackling him into the ground.
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"My Lady!" Lindir screamed at the top of his lungs, running up to the flet of Galadrial and Celeborn with Adhara in tow, "She claims that she is no longer in possession of the object which I am currently seeking!"
"One . . ." Celeborn strained his eyes on his quaking fingers as he raised one, and then the other. Drawing a deep breath and sweating up a storm, he finally raised a second, "TWO!"
"Very good, dear." Galadrial whispered quickly, before turning to Lindir, "What do you mean? Corpses simply do not walk away!"
"Um . . ." Adhara thought quickly as the hobbits were unattended in the flet, "Legolas . . . VAPORIZED!"
"Oh, what folly!" The elven queen laughed loudly, "Vaporized?"
"I didn�t know bodies could vaporize." Lindir looked at Celeborn who was mopping his brow with a sleeve, "Did you?"
"ZERO!" Celeborn screeched angrily at Lindir and went back to mopping.
"Now what am I to do?" Lindir moaned, "I can not bring Greenleaf back and Haldir will be lost to us forever!" Suddenly, he jumped up, "I�ve got it! I can go and collect the little molecules of Greenleaf!"
"Um . . ." Adhara moaned, "That will not work."
"It can too!" Lindir screeched, "Don�t you know that if you condense gas it will turn to liquid and then freezing it will turn it back into solids?"
"That works with water, but not an ELF!" She rubbed her temples, "Oh man."
"But elves are 75% water!" Lindir fled down the flet stairs screaming, "I�VE SAVED YOU, HALDIR!"
Celeborn frowned and finished with his mopping. He really should install an air conditioner.
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"Don�t tell anyone about this." Major Eep placed a finger to his lips as he led Boromir into the depths of Mirkwood�s Elven King�s hall, "You see, the raft-elves and the lake-men team up to send us nice vintages every year. I just so happen have some to share." Boromir followed with a small whimper. After the balrog, he didn�t particularly fancy hovels.
"Just a very little drink." Boromir whispered, "I need to fight afterwards. Never Drink and Fight."
"Oh, of course not." The elf nodded and finally, proceeded to a cellar which he slid elvishly into (very silently and with no mussing of the hair), "Come on." The man followed and saw that there were already other elves there, gathered about a rough wooden table and with pints in their hands. "You see, this is the out port," Major Eep pointed to a trap door in the floor, "The empty barrels go out here, and they float into Lake Town."
"Lake Town." Boromir repeated, and he eyed the barrels hungrily, "Anyone ever use this as an escape route?"
"Measly little thing, once." Major Eep shrugged and handed the man a full tankard, "Here. Enjoy." He quickly rallied the elves, "Here�s a nice toast for our new man-friend who is being tracked down by none other than our very fair," He coughed loudly and the elves whistled, "Elven prince!"
"Oh gosh." A rather drunk elf replied, "If he is fair then I�m beautiful." He had a single wart in the middle of his rather large nose. "The infant."
"Shh." His drinking companion whispered, "Do not let anyone hear you speak so!" The first elf gave a grunt and took a gulp at his wine.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Boromir jumped onto a barrel, "Let us drink!" And although none of the elves noticed, the man urged them to drink probably quite a bit more than they should, while the man sneakily poured his own brew down the open trapdoor. "This is good stuff, Major Eep!"
"Hic." Major Eep was slung over a table, drunk, "Hic."
"I must leave you." Boromir quickly found a large bunch of empty barrels and began rolling them into the river, "Farewell!" As he could not shut himself in a barrel, Boromir grabbed a length of rope and tied two together, and fell with these into the water, though not before screaming, "I HATE ELVES!"
"Hic." Major Eep waved, "Bye-bye!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sound of a very loud and very violent fight drew the attentions of Aragorn, and as the man wandered closer, he could see the sparks flying. With a wild war cry, he drew Narsil and charged through the woods screaming, "HANG ON! I�M COMING!" Then, just as he burst through the last of the bushes separating the distance, a very distinct voice called out;
"Yay! Aragorn! I knew you were going to come and save me!" Legolas was suspended up in a tree currently being hung by a very long rope composed of some beaded material roped together. "Haldir wants to hang me!"
"He guessed the word wrong!" Haldir tied the other end of the rope to a low branch so that Legolas was now swinging in midair back and forth, "You know it, Aragorn? Four letters. Two vowels; �u� is the first letter, �y� is the last."
"Ugly." Aragorn shrugged, and Haldir looked impressed.
"UGLY?!" Legolas spat, clawing at the air, "You LIAR! Haldir told me that the hint was �Describes Prince of Mirkwood!�" The man and elven captain exchanged a small smile, "Oh man. YOU TWO ARE IN KAHOOTS!" Without further ado, Legolas began screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs, "HELP!"