"I know that. Serves him right. Snooty." The other man began polishing his shield again, "So annoying. And I stuffed him in that rag of Legolas�s, so you won�t have to worry about our elf wearing it."
"Alas, poor Haldir!" Adhara sighed, "You shall be eaten up. Yummy. Yummy. Yummy."
All the hobbits perked up, "FOOD?!"
"Where is Haldir?!" Legolas suddenly came running up to the flet, "I need him! Now! Before Lindir has a mental breakdown!"
"YOU are Haldir." Aragorn replied, pointing to Legolas, "You are right there."
"NO!" The elf shrieked, "I need the REAL one!"
"Right." Boromir rolled his eyes, "Go take that out with the landlady�s garbage!"
"I am not doing Galadrial�s garbage!" Legolas ran up to Aragorn and fell to his knees, "PLEASE! I need Haldir or else I�ll never be able to leave here! And if I don�t hurry and escape HE�LL be here!"
"WHO WILL?" Aragorn frowned, "Sauron?"
"No!" The elf gasped, "Worse! Much worse!" And suddenly, as if on cue, boots began thumping up the stairs and with a squeak, Legolas dove behind Boromir and the man covered him up with his shield.
"WHERE ARE YOU?!" Lindir, sopping wet, came moping up the stairs, bawling his eyes out, dragging himself all over the flet, "I�m sure you�re here Haldir! Don�t LEAVE me!"
"Who are you looking for?" Adhara asked gently, and Lindir collapsed at her feet, tears and goldfish pond water flowing everywhere, "What is wrong?�
"Haldir wants to leave me!" Lindir mumbled covering his face with his hands, "My very own twin! He doesn�t like me anymore!"
"I�m sure Haldir has a place in his heart for you," She breathed in return, and touched his hair gently, "Haldir wants to leave? Leave for where? With the Lady�s permission?"
"AHA!" With a gigantic leap, Lindir sprang to his feet and screamed, "THAT�S IT!"
"What is it?" Frodo asked, swallowing the last piece of pizza, "Have you solved all your problems, master elf?"
"Yes!" Lindir screeched, "I shall summon all the elvish army to search for Haldir the traitor!"
"Traitor." Adhara frowned, "Aren�t you rushing to conclusions?"
"NO!" The other elf grinned, "You see, he intends to LEAVE without PERMISSION . . ." With this, Lindir tossed back his elven fair head and cackled evilly, "WHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Okay . . ." Aragorn pointed out, "Lindir, you may wish to reconsider . . ."
"RECONSIDER?!" Lindir barked, "NEVER!" And took off running from the flet, slipping across a very large puddle of some unidentified liquid, and with a squeal of �AIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!� took the short cut down to ground level.
"Oh no!" Boromir frowned, "Poor Haldir! Big spiders are the LEAST of his problems! We must go get him back!"
"Mmm." Aragorn rose and touched the hilt of Narsil, "True. I shall go with you to fetch Haldir."
"Yes, and when we bring him back, we�ll take him to the Lady." Boromir shouldered his shield, "And explain everything." He brightened, "Do you think we�ll get a reward?"
"No Boromir." The man rolled his eyes, "I am not a bounty hunter. Let us go."
"Mmm." Pippin squeaked, "Look out for the . . ." With screams of �AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!� both men crashed down onto the very poor and squished Lindir. "Pizza grease."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What is going on here?" Haldir looked down, hoping to avoid the stares, but found himself not clothed in his wondrous silver armor, but instead, something . . . white! BEADED! And FEMININE! The elven captain gasped, nearly toppling out of the tree. And on his poor head . . . SILVER LEAVES?! He tried to wretch it off, but the crown was stuck on tight! "WHAT IS GOING ON?!"
The large spider hissed softly at the slim and prime-cut elf sitting in the midst of the white fibers of his net, and watched its pitiful struggles to free himself of his garments. Well, even if he did, he would still be stuck to the web. A feast tonight . . . it would only be better if the elf were a little bit more plump, but anything in these parts of Mirkwood these days was not of that description. Pity, really. There were the good old days when all elves walked around, juicy and with slight marbling . . . aged fourteen days to perfection! Elf steak! He snapped his pincers in anticipation.
Haldir saw that the crown and the dress were the least of his problems. The sticky thing he had clung to was a large spider leg, and luckily, he let go of that, and the beast had scurried away. Probably afraid of this ugly thing, Haldir looked down in disgust, "I thought I once saw Galadrial in these very same robes." He faltered. Did the Lady sentence him to this fate? Did she put the Fellowship up to this? To carry her most loyal (and only) elven captain to the depths of Mirkwood? Alas! What cruelty was this?
Biting down hard, Haldir vowed revenge. He would not die so easily! He would free himself and return to the Lady and demand an explanation! THERE HAD TO BE ONE! But now, to be free of this stupid web . . . He grabbed the crown from his head with an angry tug (nearly took off his ears with it � ouch!) and snapped it in half. Cheap plastic model. With the sharp edges, the elven captain made quick work with the web, and with a quick �AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!� dropped onto the ground. Finally.
Standing and dusting himself off, Haldir was about to walk off, glad that all his troubles were over when he heard it. Soft breathing. The elf turned around and saw nothing but darkness. Wood elves were crazy. Living in here. Gave Haldir the heebie-jeebies. Darn nab them. He shuttered. Might as well go home, at least Lindir will be glad to see him. Slipping the broken crown into his belt as though a knife, Haldir stalked off, muttering, "Just wait until I find that Greenleaf . . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somehow, Lindir had managed to drag himself back to his flet before he collapsed into gales of tears, sobbing at the prospect of losing his dear gray-eyed and red-cloaked favorite twin brother. Life! What cruelty was this? Despite the lump in his throat, Lindir mumbled, "Why? Oh why?"
"Is someone�s plumbing leaking?" The elves from below asked, "Tut, tut, it looks like rain!"
"Legolas!" Lindir suddenly gasped, tears stopping, "Haldir wants to leave with the Nine for they lack an elf! But if I find Legolas . . . And he can�t be exactly dead . . ." Marveling at his own genius, Lindir quickly jumped to his feet, intent on seeking the Fellowship to demand to see the corpse of the late Prince of Mirkwood when he did so a little TOO quickly. His fair elven boots slipped out from under him and slid off the flet with a very shrill, "AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Okay, here�s the plan." Legolas�s red cloak was beginning to itch, so he had thrown it casually over a low Mallorn branch and the hobbits were using it to play hide-and-seek amongst each other. Frodo kept on trying to climb the Mallorn to find a better hiding spot, but found that he could not reach. Somehow, all the hobbits found this to be humorous and would burst into gales of laugher at regular intervals. Legolas cleared his throat again, "You leave under the cover of darkness with the body of �Legolas� which will just be Haldir tied up. Then we�ll let Haldir go on the outskirts of Lorien with his vocal cords ripped out or something, so he can�t squeal on us." The elven prince grinned, "Then we�ll be out of here and Lindir will be off me!"
"Very good." Aragorn stood from where he sat atop a large barrel which formerly held apples, "Now, Boromir. You must fetch Haldir from Mirkwood!" All three were walking towards Mirkwood, hobbits being hobbit-sat by Adhara who bristled when assigned the task. The only alternative was for her to go to Mirkwood and she had an issue with spiders.
"I must fetch Haldir?" Boromir snorted, "You must fetch him! I brought him, and you have to take him back!" The man walked up to a large and sturdy tree, tapping on the trunk with his knuckles, "This is the very tree!"
Legolas looked up into the tree whose dark branches were strung with whips of webbing, "How do you know this is the right tree?"
"It has a web in it!" Boromir stuck his nose into the air, feeling quite annoyed, "Do not mock me, young fellow!"
"YOUNG?" Eyes flaming, Legolas roared, "FELLOW?" Boromir started to back up, "You mean as in a NOT mature MAN?!" With a flash of teeth, the elf sprang for Boromir�s throat, but Aragorn grabbed onto Legolas about the waist, and the elf failed crazily, snapping jaws and slashing nails.
"RUN BOROMIR!" Aragorn screamed, just before the elf turned on him with very sharp French-manicured nails, "Save yourself!"
"I think I will!" Boromir quickly spun on heel and ran through the forest screaming at the top of his lungs, "KILLER ELF! KILLER ELF! KILLER ELF!"
Snarling and spitting furiously, Legolas attacked Aragorn with a new fury and the man held him off for as long as he could, but alas! The elf fell on the man and the future of Aragorn looked bleak until he managed to draw Narsil and hold it up to one of the elf�s fair braids. Legolas�s fingers, streaked with blood were clenched about Aragorn�s throat, and the once-fair elven eyes shone now only with madness.
"WHY?" Legolas snarled, "Why did you HOLD me, Aragorn?" He spat angrily to a side, tightening his grip on Aragorn, who was lying flat on his back and feeling quite prone, "I was beginning to like you, too. And now, I must do this," The nails tightened.
"NO!" Aragorn squeaked, raising Narsil slightly, "My blade will cut your braid if you do!"
"NO!" The elf released Aragorn�s throat and both hands flew to protect his little braid, "Not my hair!"
"I thought so." Aragorn tossed the elf off him and massaged his throat (which was aching quite a bit), bringing from his pocket a little bottle.
"What�s that?" Legolas asked, pointing to the white plastic bottle with the child-proof lid. The elf was interested, and started to sniff at it, "Eh?"
"Kingsfoil tablets!" The man replied, screwed off the lid and popped three of them into his mouth, quickly swallowing them, and the elf marks upon his face disappeared. Aragorn stuck the lid back onto the bottle and tossed it to Legolas, "You can have one if you want."
"Ooh!" The elf squealed and as Aragorn looked on, amused, stuck his fingers around the cap and pulled. It did not open. The elf pulled harder. It did not open. The elf turned it clockwise. It did not open. Anti-clockwise. It did not open. The elf pried at the lid. It did not open. The elf stuck the lid between his teeth. It did not open. The elf turned the bottle upside down and turned. It did not open. The elf turned himself upside down and turned. It did not open. The elf slashed at the bottle with a knife. It did not open. The elf threw the bottle against a tree. It did not open. With tears in his eyes and bottom lip quivering, Legolas whimpered, "It�s locked!"
"It is not." Aragorn picked up the battered bottle from the forest floor, wiped off the elf drool and easily popped the lid off. "See?"
"MAGIC!" The elf snarled, "Evil magic!"
"It�s actually," The man gave a sigh, "A child-proof lid."
"YOUNG?" Legolas screeched and lunged at Aragorn again, striking out with teeth, nails and pointy ears, "HOW DARE YOU CALL ME YOUNG?!"
"I didn�t say anything!" Aragorn pried the elf off him, "You assumed!"
"Stupid bottle!" Legolas took the bottle from Aragorn and before the man could protest, threw it into the forest as far as he could. "Now let�s go find Haldir and GET OUT OF HERE!" He shivered, looking about in the shadows, "This place gives me the creeps!"
"Hey, I thought you lived here." Aragorn picked himself off the ground and followed the elf who was sniffing the air and seemed to know where to go, "Don�t you like it?"
"I LIVE IN NORTHERN MIRKWOOD YOU IDIOT." Legolas snarled and with every syllable, pressed a fair elven finger into Aragorn�s chest, "GOT THAT?"
"Okay!" Aragorn rubbed his sore chest, "Ouch." He looked about, "Where�s Haldir? Or Boromir?"
"At the rate Boromir was running," Legolas dryly replied, "You�d think he was back in Minas Tirith by now."
"Mmm." The man rubbed his palms together and looked up to see nothing but darkness, similar to all around him, aside from the masses of silky webbing dangling from all the trees. Aragorn turned to Legolas, "It seems the spiders are busy. Spinning." He eyed Legolas�s armor, "Hey, what is that stuff made of? Spider�s silk? It�s quite strong."
"This?" Legolas looked down and tapped at the armor which rung, "Aww, cheap stuff. Not even from REE. Haldir doesn�t know how to buy good armor." He looked at Narsil, "A snap from that little one would cause this armor to shatter like the nose of the Sphinx." The elf sighed, "It�s a cheap stainless-steel alloy. My own armor at home, which we should go get," He blinked fondly, "Is made of much better stuff! And it will defend me from any foe!"
"Oh, really?" Aragorn grew interested, "Mithril?"
"Of course not!" Legolas snapped, "It is a beautiful shade, true, but my armor is truly extraordinary." The man waited patiently, and the elf replied, "It is made of millions of little lavender blossoms."
"LAVENDER BLOSSOMS?" Aragorn buried his face in his hands, "Why am I not surprised?"
"Because lavenders smell pretty and I am pretty." The elf smirked, and then suddenly began bouncing up and down, arms and hair flailing, screeching all the while, "PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY!" As though a non-stoppable pogo stick, the elf bounded through the forest to a chorus of "PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY!" Aragorn was not sure that even if a big spider were to show up, he would have saved Legolas. "PRETTY! PRETTY!" PRETTY!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"KILLER ELF! KILLER ELF! KILLER ELF!" Boromir shrieked as he tore through the forest as though a balrog were after him, "KILLER ELF! KILLER ELF! KILLER ELF!" He had been running for the better part of the day and the forest seemed to be forever long, and he could never be rid of all the spiders, wolves or whatever else lived in here that was always breathing down his neck. Shield and horn hanging off him, Boromir kept on running, screaming as he went, "KILLER ELF! KILLER ELF!" To warn all behind him of the terrors he had left.
Suddenly, Boromir ran into a clearing he had not seen before, and the grass had been cropped quite short, as though a lawn. The man stopped and looked at the ground, where there existed a long dirt road, leading up to a small hill in which there were a set of large doors. Mmm. How odd. Boromir took a deep breath and walked up the stairs leading to the doors, noting that in the dirt, he left heavy footprints. Odd. No one had been this way before him?
Perhaps someone inside could help him to be free of the killer elf which surely was breathing down his neck and was two paces behind him! Oh poor, poor Aragorn! Boromir looked down at his torn clothing and dirt streaked self. Surely this was no way to come and greet someone whom he sought help from, after all, he WAS the heir to the Stewardship of Gondor! He heaved a sigh and looked about the hill for a source of water. A small splash from afar finally caught his attentions and Boromir walked off towards the sound.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My Lady," Lindir dropped a bow and Galadrial giggled as Celeborn counted ONE, "I would like to request from you the audience of the material form of the late Prince of Mirkwood."
"And why in the world would you want to do that?" Galadrial frowned, "He is, after all, the concern of the Fellowship."
"Aye, Lady." The elf flushed, "I merely wish to consult with my brother to bring the late Prince of Mirkwood back to life, thus, Haldir will not be forced to join with the Fellowship and he can stay and serve the Lady."
"Me." Galadrial tilted her head, and elbowed Celeborn who jumped, "Sounds good, eh?"
"Mmm." Celeborn gave a little burp. "One."
"Very good, dear," The Lady patted the hand and replied so automatically she was hardly aware she had whispered anything at all. "Very well, Lindir. You may proceed to the flet of the Fellowship and request visitation with the late Prince of Mirkwood with my permission."
"Thank you, my Lady," Lindir dropped a bow again, before quickly disappearing.
He missed the look of disappointment which came over Celeborn�s face when he quickly side-stepped about the puddle of water. Celeborn sighed, "Zero."
"Very good, dear." Pat. Pat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY!" Legolas jumped over a log and Aragorn was breathless, trying to keep up. Somehow, the elf found the energy to bound over the rough terrain, arms and hair failing, face locked in an expression of permanent joy, and always screaming, "PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY!" Perhaps he had been following the elf about for a day. Or two. There was no way you could tell in these woods, especially with the leaves covering the sun. Good thing, Aragorn reckoned, he had a Rolex strapped to his wrist and with the date display. Late gift of departure from Elrond who had picked it up on sale off e-Bay.
"Where are we going?" Aragorn gasped, stepping across a stream as the elf bounded over in one leap with jaws still flapping, "Tell me that much, will you?"
"PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dropping to his knees in thankfulness, Boromir cupped his large hands together and drank the cool and fresh waters from a large pool close to the two great doors which surprisingly, were not surrounded by windows. On the far side of the clearing, the vastness of Mirkwood came again, and into this, the man did not want to wander. There had to be some road out of this forest, and he WOULD return to Lorien where he could find a sword! Then that killer elf will get what he deserved!
Boromir drank again from the pool and wiped off some caked dirt on his face, scratching at the stubble on his chin. He sniffled in the clean air, and burped, "Stupid, stupid elves!" Tears began running down his face, "To kill Aragorn! Aragorn, the destined king of men! The destined brat that will steal my stewardship! How could they?" He collapsed onto the ground, pounding at the grass with angry fists, "Elves! So stupid! STUPID ELVES!" Suddenly, his breath caught in his throat. There was something at his neck. Long. Cold. Boromir gulped.
"Speak not stranger!" A cold voice hissed, "Speak not at all!"
"Stranger?" Boromir squeaked, "Eep!"
"Speak not!" The cold thing dug into his neck, "I have been oft told I am quite skilled with thy spear!"
"Spear?" Boromir squeaked louder, "EEP!"
"Speak not!" The voice insisted, "If you do so again, I shall not be as courteous!"
"Courteous?" Boromir hollered, "MAJOR EEP!"
"How did you know?" The pressure at his throat lessened, "Yes, my reputation must have preceded me. I am the Elven Major Eep of Mirkwood, at the service of none other than the Elven King."
"ELF?" Boromir screeched, "EEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPP!"
"That is my name. Don�t wear it out." Major Eep snapped back and the pressure on the spear grew, "Speak now, stranger, who are you, and what business of yours is it to drink out of the Royal Goldfish Pond?"
"GOLDFISH?" Boromir moaned, "HELP!"
"Speak!" Major Eep snarled, "I demand it!"
"I am Boromir, son of Denethur!" The man moaned, "Heir to the stewardship of Gondor! Wait! Aragorn is going to take that, never mind!"
"And what was it you were saying about ELVES?" Major Eep growled, "Speak now!"
"Legolas was trying to kill me!" Boromir squeaked, "But in general, I love elves! I really do!"
"Hmm." Major Eep frowned, "You speak of Prince Legolas, of this fair elven realm!"
"YES!" Boromir gasped, "Yes! You can�t kill me because otherwise Legolas will kill you!"
"You just told me that the Prince was trying to kill you." Major Eep frowned even more, "Then would I not be doing him a favor?"
"Oh crap!" Boromir whimpered, "I just wanted a drink!"
"Mmm." Major Eep brightened, and lifted away the spear, "You seem to be a good, honest Man. Prince Legolas probably wants to kill you because you criticized his manicure or his hair or SOMETHING like that." The elf rolled his eyes, and Boromir could see that he looked nothing like Legolas, with a less pretty nose and a shade darker hair, "Come with me, and I will bring you back to the barracks. I believe we will have something to drink there." The elf laughed, "Something special."
"Poison?" Boromir gasped, and the elf nearly took his head off with fits of laughter. The man saw nothing funny in this, but did not say so, and it seemed all he could do was follow Major Eep to what hopefully was not his final glass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~