"Very good." Haldir glared and punched Celeborn�s face in. "There. Eat that."
"Twh-ree." Celeborn muttered through his broken face, "Twh-ree!" He touched his once rather large nose, "Ouch."
"Yes. Big ouch." Haldir stood and straightened out his cloak, "Where is the Fellowship?" Celeborn pointed to a tall Mallorn which had quite a few flets sticking out from it. The elven captain wrinkled his nose (it bunched up as it was so big), "Oh. Really. Well, I�ll be sending Greenleaf up to see the Lady in a moment."
"You come too." Celeborn fixed his face with his fingers, prodding with elven healing at their tips, "Then it would be one . . . two . . . three . . . FOUR!" He jumped up and down clapping, and sprinted up the stairs as Haldir tramped off in the opposite direction.
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"Booga-booga-booga!" A very fair elven prince draped with a white sheet floated around and scared the living daylights out of the little hobbits who screeched AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and ran to Aragorn, hiding behind his very long legs. Legolas cried, "Booga-booga-booga!" Once again, and all four hobbits screeched AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE once again.
"Get a life." Aragorn growled, grabbing the sheet off Legolas�s head (mussing up his hair in the process), and at this, the elf flitted over to his stool and vanity, perching prettily and fixed up his little braids with his equally little golden brush. The man walked over and kicked the stool (the elf nearly went flying), "What are you doing?"
"We may be granted another audience with the Lord and the Lady!" Legolas went over to his pack and dragged out what seemed to be a large UPS box which he pried open with a fair elven knife. "Luckily, unlike the Council, I shall be properly dressed!" The elf drew from the box a long, flowing piece of shining white beaded material, shimmering in the candle light. He held it up to himself, "Isn�t it so forming to my figure?"
"Your figure?" Aragorn spat, and Boromir (who was waxing his shield � no surprise), looked up and snorted. "What is that?"
"Oh, this!" Legolas lowered his chin to hold the garment in place, and demonstrated, "See, large butterfly winged sleeves that will drip around in everything, but is pretty. Also will place emphasis on my very long, slim pretty arms. Long bodily piece to emphasis my very long, slim pretty legs. And not to mention that I have forgotten something . . . my very long, slim pretty . . ."
"Ears." Pippin asked, and the elf shot him a dirty look.
"Excuse me." The elf showed the hobbit a stuck up nose, "I am not a donkey!"
"Um, that�s nice material and bangles," Aragorn picked up what seemed to be another crown of silver idealized leaves interwound with gold, "But it seems that it�s assembled in a . . ." He paused, "How should we say this?" The entire Fellowship waited. "Dress?"
"DRESS?" Legolas screeched, and looked down at the beaded frilly thing he was holding, "If this is a dress, I�m YOUNG!"
"You are." A voice sniggered and as the elven prince whipped around in anger (while shoving the garment behind him), Legolas turned to face Haldir, who was standing on the staircase, a foot on their flet, "Ah, the Lady requests your audience."
"Mmm." Legolas squinted and studied the captain with very fair, but beady elven eyes, "Give me a moment to dress, now will you?"
"Of course." Haldir dropped a very dashing bow, with a flourish of his cloak. "I shall be waiting." Legolas snorted and tramped off as the elven captain dropped himself beside Aragorn and looked at the man, "Mmm."
"Mmm what?" Aragorn snapped, angrily, "Mmm, as in �yummy?�" He jumped up and in a high-pitched, squeaky voice imitated quite well, "LEGOLAS! Something is trying to EAT ME?!"
"What? Eat YOU?!" The elf popped out from a flet above, and stared down at the Fellowship who all were wearing smiles and Pippin was rolling about, laughing. When Legolas saw Haldir, the elf snarled and bared his teeth. Although Aragorn, son of Arathorn was NOT his favorite man in the world, there was many a time the Ranger had saved Legolas�s pretty little nose. Thus, the elf owed a favor. Grabbing his two white elvish knives were they lay at his feet, he bounded off his flet, and with superior elvish aim, flew towards Haldir with a sharp, "PREPARE TO SCREAM AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"What is . . . ?" The elven captain looked up just in time to see a flash of blonde hair and candlelight off elven blades before air rushed from his lungs and he found one of those sharp blades tickling at his throat. Haldir would have gulped, but that would have placed the knives even closer. Instead, he wheezed, "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like?" Legolas snarled, raising the other knife above the elf�s head, "That man is not for YOU to eat!"
"Um," Aragorn chose this moment to tap Legolas on the shoulder. Freaked out, the elf didn�t even turn his head from the victim (who was being sat upon) and slashed a blade backwards. The Ranger stared at his now slashed hand. "Um, Legolas?"
"That is MY man!" The elf snarled again, bitterly, "Haldir of Lorien! Who do you think you are?"
"You just told me!" Haldir squeaked, "Haldir of Lorien!"
"Mmm." Legolas twisted the blade slightly, "That young cloak of yours shall hide this blood well!"
"YOUNG?!" Haldir spat a little too violently, and kicked Legolas off him (the elf went flying into Aragorn), standing quickly, hand sliding to his sword. "If I were not to come to inform that the Lady requires your audience, your ugly thing you call a nose would be on my trophy wall!"
"Along with the three ounce minnow?!" Legolas snarled, and made a grab for Haldir�s neck, but Aragorn held him back (wasn�t really that hard. Just grabbed onto Boromir�s belt). "What about your mess of pudge you have between your eyes?"
"PUDGE?" Haldir screeched, "My very dashing nose, PUDGE?!"
"NOSE?" Legolas screamed, "YOU CALL THAT A NOSE?"
"AHHHH!" The elven captain yelled and Boromir took this moment to tackle him to the ground. Knocked down once again, Haldir squeaked, "You obviously work out with the Big Strong Guys of Gondor!"
"Of course." Boromir snorted and shoved the elf into the bole of the Mallorn tree, "Go now, and tell the Lady it may not be such a good time to request the audience of her northern kin."
"Mmm." Haldir stood and straightened his cloak, "Eastern." He sighed, and glared at Legolas, "Many things come from the east. Ugly things. Orcs. Uruk-hai. Goblins. Balrogs. Trolls." Pause. "Mirkwood elves."
"WHAT?!" Legolas squeaked, "ELVES?" In an attempt to spring free, he ran backwards into Aragorn, catching the man off guard and with a bite at the hand, was free. The Ranger howled in pain (elven teeth are sharp) and Legolas sprang onto Haldir, tackling the other off the flet, and with a chorus of �AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!� both elves found themselves splat at the bottom of the Mallorn.
"Ooch." Haldir moaned, "I think I�ve broken something."
"Your NOSE!" Legolas punched the other elf in the associated part of the anatomy and Haldir flopped to the ground, unconscious. "Finally." The fair elven prince stood and flexed his fair elven fingers. Boromir looked down from the flet and gulped.
"Legolas?" He asked, and the prince nodded, "Um, you know, Galadrial expects Haldir to return soon. And he�s in no shape to do so! So . . ."
"NO WAY!" Legolas jumped into the air and flung his fair fists about, "I am NOT dressing as this UGLY THING!"
"He�s an elf too, Legolas." Aragorn called down, "Just do it. I would do it. But would I look like Haldir?"
"Not unless he has been working out with the Big Strong Guys of the North." The elf snapped, "And has not been washing for about a month." The man prickled. "No, it is I who must do this awful duty." Legolas sighed, and wiped away a tear, "But yet, I am glad to do it! For the sake of the quest and for Mirkwood!"
"Oh go on!" Frodo growled, "It�s not as if you were going to go and commit suicide for the good of the nation!"
"This is worse than death!" Legolas bawled, "To be seen as that THING!" Still, after he took a moment and a deep breath, grabbed onto Haldir�s cloak and dragged him into the trees. Suddenly, he looked up, "Does this mean I�ll have to unbraid my hair?"
"YES! You weenie." Aragorn snarled, "Now hurry up, I hear some elf approaching!"
"YIPES!" Legolas dove into the bush just as Lindir walked up to the spiral staircase of the Mallorn, and looked up at the Fellowship�s flet. The hobbits waved.
"Ah, the fabled Fellowship of the Ring!" Lindir grinned as he greeted Aragorn with a handshake that crushed the man�s hand (which was slashed, so was bleeding all over the place), as well as Boromir with a clap on the back which sent that man sprawling (no AIEEEEEEEEE though, this time). "Am I glad to be finally meeting all of you!" Seemingly well prepared, the elf whipped out a super-large double-mushroom pepperoni and bacon pizza from behind him and all the hobbits squealed delightfully.
"Mmm." Sirius growled, head stuck between his paws (Adhara had braided even more Mallorn leaves into his tail and they were flopping about), "What brings you here?"
"Actually," Lindir pried himself away from the hobbits with their pizza-greasy fingers, "I was looking for my brother. The Lady had asked him to bring you a certain message, and he has not returned yet. She has requested that he would do so, before Lord Celeborn has a mental breakdown." He lowered his voice, "Three minus one is still causing him some difficulties."
"Two." Adhara snapped, and whipped out a calculator, "Here is a nice contribution to them! It�s solar cell."
"Mmm." Lindir accepted it with a little swirl of his gray (fortunately not red) cloak and a smile (with teeth smaller than Haldir�s). He looked up, "Still, I wonder where that brother of mine has gone . . ."
"I�m right here." Legolas stepped lightly up to the flet, and Aragorn grinned proudly as their elf showed up entirely decked out as Haldir, from the cloak to the silver armor, although the nose was a bit smaller. "I was just checking out my latest REE order, slightly delayed, you�ll understand."
"Mmm." Lindir mumbled again, "Well, shall we bring Greenleaf back with us?" Legolas visibly paled. "What�s wrong?"
"He . . ." Legolas thought quickly as he could not possibly be both Haldir and himself at the same time, pointed down to the ground, "Fell out of the flet. He has fallen into shadow!" Lindir gasped and ran to the edge of the flet. Luckily, Haldir�s feet were sticking out of the bush at that point in time, deprived of the boots which Legolas now wore on his feet.
"Funny. Falling out of the tree has caused him to shed his boots." Lindir noted, and Legolas shrugged. "How odd."
"He was an odd fellow." Clasping a friendly hand on Lindir�s shoulder, Legolas grinned, "Alas, we must leave the company of this fair Fellowship and seek out the Lady to inform her that she has a dead elf-corpse to contend with."
"That fall couldn�t have possibly killed him." Lindir frowned, "I�ve fallen out of the flets many times. I�m still here."
"Well, you see," By this point, Legolas was frantically making things up, "He was fragile." Lindir�s eye brows shot up, "Delicate. Like porcelain!" Aragorn moaned. "And since he was so pretty and delicate, the fall took so much out of him, and he died!"
Lindir gave the other elf a queer look, "Still we should prepare our departed friend for burial then, or at least send word to his father."
"His FATHER?" Legolas squeaked, "Oh NO! We can�t do THAT!"
"And why not?" Lindir frowned, eyes narrowing, "If you died in far off Mirkwood, wouldn�t you want OUR daddy to be told?"
"Well, YES!" Legolas protested, "But it�s just that . . . . HIS DADDY CAN�T READ." Aragorn moaned louder. "He is VISUALLY IMPAIRED."
"I thought he was a scholar." Lindir placed his hands on his hips, "Right?"
"YES!" Legolas mumbled, "But he listens to Audio-Books!"
"Oh." Lindir wrinkled his nose, "Really? An elf who could not read?"
"He CAN read!" Legolas snarled, "Remember? He�s visually impaired!" Aragorn cleared his throat very loudly, "Let us go back to the Lady, then."
"We can�t just LEAVE him lying there." Lindir looked down, "It will attract crebain." The entire Fellowship (save Boromir and Legolas) looked down to confirm that all articles of clothing (especially belts) were on them.
"We can too." Legolas almost physically hauled Lindir off the flet lest Haldir wake up, "Let�s go! She is waiting!"
"Okay, okay, okay!" Lindir squeaked, "Don�t PUSH!"
"I�m NOT!" Legolas snarled back, and gave the elf a final shove. It was that shove that did it. That and a combination of a loose flet board. Lindir tripped and fell with a deafening �AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!� Landing sprawled at the bottom of the stairs.
"I�ll get you." With a misshapen jaw, the elf squeaked, shaking a fist at the other, "I�ll get you!"