An orc scurried by and the wizard hucked a paint brush at it. It screamed. Stupid orc. Painting again. Saurman looked around, might as well start here. The smock was a bit small and not at all comfy. And stinking of LAVENDERS? The wizard wrinkled his nose and opened the lid of the tin. Fresh paint. Mmm. Just as he was about to begin, a voice filled the room. One not his own. And it was calling.
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"Stairs!" Gimli gasped, "If I see one more stair I�m going to gut an elf!" Haldir and Legolas gave the dwarf a very offended look. The elven captain had led the Fellowship at first dawn to a series of steps which formed stairs. They had been assured that the elevators were not working and that they would have to walk. Darn nab it! Suddenly, Legolas noticed Haldir�s look and punched him in the face.
"No one insults MY dwarf!" The elven prince screeched and Haldir rubbed his sore nose.
"If you will wait a sec," He muttered, still rubbing his nose, Haldir gestured to a large platform springing off one of the Mallorn trees, "The Lord and Lady will see you." With a short elvish bow, he led his archers away, but was not quite out of the tree before Boromir growled, "I thought you said she was WAITING!" The elven captain gave the man a dirty look before retiring.
"Okay, we are ripped off." Boromir snorted and crossed his hands over his chest, "This is so stupid! I�m hungry! And tired!" He tapped his shield, "Well, might as well." Without further ado, he plopped down, sitting atop what he thought was a chair (it was an elven birdcage. Compressed.) and whipped out some polish and a rag.
"Hmm." Legolas muttered, hands clasped behind his back and began to pace back and forth. The rest of the Fellowship spread out and Adhara busied herself braiding Mallorn leaves into Sirius�s coat. The dog growled. "Oh look." The elven prince looked down at himself, "Here I am. Legolas Greenleaf. Elven prince of Mirkwood. In a sack."
"Your own fault." Boromir growled. The prince gave him a dirty look. "Well, it is!"
"Look Boromir!" Legolas ran up to the man, pointing in the air, "Crebain from Dunland!"
"Where?" The man gasped, and before he knew what was happening, found himself minus belt. His fine leather Gondor-made belt now was wound about the elf who hung his white knife off it, fussing with its largeness. Boromir growled, "What do you think you are doing?"
"Oh!" Legolas beamed, "You were admiring my new BELT?"
"ADMIRING?" Boromir roared, "I was NOT admiring MY OWN belt!"
"Oh let it go," Gimli tapped the man�s arm, "We all know how the elf gets his clothes."
"All too well." Frodo was still mourning the loss of his mushroom sweater, "Mmm."
"Ah." Legolas cooed to himself, grabbing a mirror from Adhara and fixing his hair with his little golden brush, "You�re so pretty!"
"You�re so vain!" Pippin moaned, "VAIN!"
"Oh, Peregrine!" Legolas laughed, "You are so clever!" The hobbit sat up, "We can make a very nice weather vane with my likeness!" The elf sighed, "Ah, it would be so beautiful atop the White Tower!"
"The day YOUR vane goes on MY tower is the day I die!" Boromir growled angrily, "NO POSSIBLE WAY ELF!"
"Well!" The elf prince snarled, and brushed at his cloak as though dismissing something dirty, "I am sorry to interrupt you and your shield polishing! What is up there on the tower? Your OWN face?" Legolas shuttered, "How hideous!"
"HEY!" Boromir jumped to his feet (he thought his profile quite sharp) and drew his blade. Only then, he remembered he didn�t have one. And the elf had a knife. Not a particularly good combination. But his shield! "TAKE THIS!" The man shoved the shield in the elf�s direction, and taken totally by surprise, Legolas gasped, and grasped onto the edge of the shield.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Legolas roared, fingers tightening, as he was teetering off the edge of the Lord and Lady�s platform, "What type of combat is this?"
"COMBAT BY SHIELD!" Boromir roared and pushed. "HA!"
"NOOOOOO!" Their pretty elf screamed, "AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
SPLAT! The entire Fellowship ran over to the edge and peered down. Their elf had landed and was quite fine. Legolas even waved up to them. What he had landed on, however, was not quite so fine. Pushing Legolas off, the Lady Galadrial stood up to her full daunting 6�3" and glared at the 6�2" of Mirkwood. Face beet red, she screamed, "GET OUT OF HERE GREENLEAF!"
"Oh." Legolas whimpered, "You�ve heard of my glorious reputation?"
"YOU COME IN HERE WEARING A SACK STINKING LIKE HOBBIT PEE AND YOU TALK ABOUT REPUTATION?" The Lady of the Golden Wood screamed, picking up Legolas by his belt (Boromir�s belt) and the scruff of his neck, tossed him to Celeborn. "GET OUT OF HERE!"
"Hobbit pee?!" Legolas protested as he was hauled off by Celeborn and Haldir, "It�s �Urine du la Hobbit!�" Pippin burst into gales of laughter and would have fallen, too, off the platform if Sirius had not grabbed his cloak with doggy teeth.
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"BUILD me an army, WORTHY of Mordor!" The Palantir screeched and Saurman glanced angrily at it. He had no time for Mr. I-Am-So-Great Sauron�s tricks today! The wizard growled, dipped his paintbrush in the paint and slathered it in heavy globs over the crystal ball which fizzed angrily. Sauron screeched, "Fine! Don�t!"
"I don�t have time to build roads and armies!" Saurman tried to explain, but then realized what he was doing. Grabbing the wet Palantir angrily, he sprinted up to the top of his tower and threw it as far as he could. There. Be rid of that darn thing. Saurman turned and headed back down the stairs. Still green, he mused. A lot more painting left. The Palantir sailed on, north-east wards.
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"Welcome, strangers from afar," Celeborn greeted the Fellowship and Aragorn growled (he was no stranger here), "Eight there are, yet nine set out from Rivendell."
"Very good," Galadrial patted is hand fondly, "You can count!"
"I try, my dear." The elven lord grinned faintly, but turned back to their company, "Tell me where is Gandalf for I desire very much to speak to him." He quickly scowled, "Last time he put a spell on my favorite pair of boots. Made them a hideous pink color. Must get that fixed up."
"He has fallen into shadow," Galadrial answered, with a snigger.
"Oh no!" Celeborn covered his face with his hands, "Not my boots!"
"The quest stands upon the edge of a knife." The Lady consulted some cue cards, "Yes. Knife." She looked up, "You�d better hope it isn�t sharp or else you�ll cut your feet."
"Stray but a little and the quest will fail." Gimli looked to the way where Legolas had been hauled off, "To the ruin of all."
"The doom of REE?" A certain voice asked from afar, "Not the fall of REE! NO! I WON�T HAVE IT!"
"Darn nab elven hearing!" Celeborn glared angrily at Legolas who was just in the process of being kicked out of the Golden Wood, "Humph!"
"Yet hope remains," She continued and he stopped whimpering, "While the company holds true."
"Someone in there is a wizard!" The elven lord�s face lit up upon seeing Boromir, "Must be him!"
"ME?" Boromir squeaked, "WIZARD?"
"Do not be afraid," Galadrial directed this at Pippin who was leaking �Urine du la Hobbit� all over her fair white marble, "You shall rest well tonight, for you are weary of grief and much toil." She took a deep breath, "And dealing with Greenleaf."
"Oh, my Lady!" Gimli dropped a quick bow, "He�s not Greenleaf! He was reborn, as Legolas Whiteleaf!"
"Oh may Udun curse him!" Galadrial scowled, "Legolas the White my foot!"
"Pippin?" Merry asked, placing a hand on the little hobbit�s shoulder, "What are you doing?"
"Mmm . . ." Pippin moaned and held up a leaking water skin, "Don�t worry, it�s just water."
"Water?" Celeborn roared, advancing on the hobbit, "DO you have any IDEA what WATER can do to marble?"
"No . . ." The hobbit squeaked, as the elven lord poked a finger into hobbit chest, "No . . ."
"It makes it SLIPPERY!" Celeborn gave a shove and with a screech of �AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!� Pippin went flying off the platform and landed smack dab in the middle of Haldir who was just returning.
"No!" Haldir cried, tossing the hobbit off him, "Not you! Not on THIS cloak! NO!" The elven captain straightened up the hobbit and pointed him in the direction of shrubs, "Go in THERE if you have to!"
"Oh, okay." Pippin went scurrying off, but then hesitated at the shrubs, "Are you sure?"
"GO!" Haldir fixed up his cloak which was (thankfully) still perfect, "JUST DO IT!"
"Alright." The hobbit�s voice was shaking and finally came back. "There. I did it."
"OOH." The elf glared, "You must be so proud of yourself."
"I am!" Pippin grinned, ran up all the stairs and to Galadrial�s side. He tugged on her skirts, and she bent down as he whispered, "Do you have any idea what Haldir made me do in your goldfish pond?"
"Not the goldfish pond!" Sirius moaned, but alas, it was (of course) too late!
"HALDIR MADE YOU DO WHAT IN MY GOLDFISH POND?!" Galadrial, in her haste to go wring some Haldir neck, ran to the stairs.
"My dear," Celeborn began, "Watch the water . . ." But it was (once again) too late! With one fell swoop, Galadrial fell out of her own tree platform and landed with a crash. On something.
"This will be the end of me!" Haldir squeaked, tossing Galadrial off him (she landed in the pond), and fussing with his cloak, "Why are all these things falling on my cloak?" He glared at the SOAKED elven lady, "Maybe it is so DASHING!"
"Hardly," Celeborn called down, "Haldir, if I might, I�d advise you to run. Or else the only dashing thing will be your head against a rock." The elven captain took off running.
"Stance fifty-four." Gimli rolled his eyes and turned to the elven lord, "Elven tai chi."
"Tai chi?" He gaffed, "There is no such thing as elven tai chi!" Celeborn stuck his nose into the air and it began to rain.
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"Elves are so stupid." Gimli muttered, huddled under a damp REE shopping bag and sitting on the very damp REE camp chairs Celeborn had set out for them out �to the air� as he insisted. The rain came down in sheets, and the dwarf grunted irritably. He did not like being wet. "Why couldn�t they actually make umbrellas or something?"
The hobbits, on the other hand, were under Boromir�s shield which was quite large enough to protect them from the elements as Boromir applied coat after coat of wax. "Apply liberally when wet." The Man quoted happily.
"I am an ELVEN PRINCE!" Legolas muttered, teeth clattering, having recently returned, "And I�m COLD!"
"I didn�t know that elves could feel cold." Aragorn muttered, chilled himself, "And you�d think they would invite us inside."
"I would," Lord Celeborn muttered, ringing his hands, "But you see, my Lady isn�t around and SHE usually does the inviting." He frowned, "I don�t know what to say!"
"OH IS THAT ALL?" Gimli snorted, jumping to his feet, "Why not, �I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf?�"
"That�s such a good idea!" Celeborn waved to them, "Follow me!" And proceeded to what seemed to be another staircase (Gimli growled), "Ah, there, we have prepared nice rooms for you. Just up there." As the first member of the Fellowship passed by, the elven lord dropped a little bow saying, "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Gimli grinned and ran up ahead.
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Sirius was so tired, he didn�t care.
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Adhara gave the elf a weird look.
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Boromir hauled all the hobbits physically after him.
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Aragorn shrugged, but didn�t say anything.
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Legolas didn�t take another step. He stared.
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwar�" Celeborn did not have the chance to finish. A very square fist of a fair elven prince had landed in the middle of his nose. "Ouch."
"Excuse me!" Legolas pushed Celeborn into a tree, "But do I LOOK like a dwarf?!"
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Celeborn protested, and Legolas punched him again, "What�s the matter with YOU?"
"WE ARE NOT A FELLOWSHIP OF DWARVES!" Legolas throttled the other elf, shaking him violently, "I AM AN ELF!"
"I welcome you to Lorien, Master Dwarf!" Celeborn squeaked (a little thick, eh?) "Right?"
"NO!" The elven prince tightened his grip, "Say �I welcome you to Lorien, Elf of Kin!�"
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Elf of Kin!" Celeborn wheezed and Legolas tossed him away, disgusted. "Ouch."
"Send someone up with some bath water." Legolas snarled, ascending the stairs, "And my peaches-and-cream chin scrub!"
"I welcome you to Lorien, Elf of Kin!" Celeborn screeched loudly, "I welcome you to Lorien, Elf of Kin!"
"What are you saying?" Galadrial had come back with Haldir slung over a shoulder (looking quite beaten up), "Celeborn, are you feeling alright?"
Bow. "I welcome you to Lorien, Elf of Kin!" He proudly announced, "I welcome you to Lorien, Elf of Kin!"
"I�m your WIFE!" She screeched, "What are you talking about?"
"I welcome you to Lorien, Elf of Kin!" Galadrial moaned as Celeborn bowed again.
"Okay, get this straight." She slapped him, "Say, �I welcome you back home, Lady of the Golden Woods.�"
Bow. "I welcome you back home, Lady of the Golden Woods." Finally satisfied, Galadrial stalked off. "I welcome you back home, Lady of the Golden Woods." She dumped Haldir at Celeborn�s feet.
"Take care of this wind-bag." She growled and kicked the captain, "And make him get a better colored cloak. Red, my foot!"
Bow. "I welcome you back home, Lady of the Golden Woods!" Celeborn bowed again and looked down. Haldir needed a bath! He grabbed Haldir�s arm and dragged him towards a clump of bushes.